Rookie Blue 1-2 "Mercury Retrograde"

In which even the show's foreshadowing is anvillicious, one of the supporting cast training officers battles Vampira for the title of Top Bitch, Nash gets offended when people truthfully call her a slut and give her obvious gifts like hooker knives, Ephramstein specializes in low blows in addition to being a psycho with a badge, Diaz is still a prettier and infinitely more tolerable Elizabeth Hasselbeck, McSuepants is a Martyr Sue, and the Toronto police look so good at their jobs because the criminals they deal with are equally as incompetent.

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Rookie Blue 1-1 "Fresh Paint"

Once upon a time a ho, a vampire, a himbo, your ex-jailbait boyfriend, and a Mary Sue went to the police academy, and they were each assigned rather unexceptional duties and questionably competent training officers. Except for the Mary Sue, of course, who got to save the day singlehandedly and get caught in a love triangle between a swarthy jackass and Whitney from Smallville. But I took the time to watch their TV show, and now they must all suffer my snarky ire. My name is ASLogan. I bitch-slap bad TV.

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Content: Rookie Blue

I've always had a special place in my heart for cop dramas; I blame growing up watching things like Hunter, 21 Jump Street, and most damning of all the "Mathnet" segments of Square One Television. Combine that with my abject summer boredom and my continued quest for show diversification/new material, and you might understand why I've decided to start recapping this new summer police drama, which is very nearly as anvillicious as any Power Rangers episode I've written about.

It also helps that the eponymous rookies include a ho, a vampire, a big dumb idiot who's basically there just to look pretty, a former emo/indie heartthrob turned triggerhappy budding psychopath, and a Mary Sue to lead them. Throw in the same Canadian aversion to subtlety that was rampant on Queer As Folk, and you have a show that's really just asking for it.

...And yes, there is a part of me that is hoping to see Epstein take Diaz's anal virginity while Nash decapitates Peck with her hooker knife and McNally drives a stake through her undead heart. I ain't proud.

RuPaul's Drag Race: Reunited!

In which we learn why Sonique had such a discontented stinkface for most of her stay, Mystique is out of her goddamned mind, Shangela went and turned it out while still using corn as an accessory, Morgan is only a poseur whore and don't you dare say anything different, Sahara is living mo' money mo' problems, Jessica is under $5 on the right day at Denny's, Pandora is even nice to her worst enemies, Tatianna finally gets her own raging flamethrower bitch moment, Raven surprises no one by not giving a damn, and Tyra basically won because RuPaul has transcended all logic and common sense to achieve a higher plane of existence where you don't have to stand up to bullies and walking a runway on your knees, jumping up without support, and crying behind a veil means that you are qualified to be the next drag superstar. BULLSHIT!

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RuPaul's Drag Race 2-11 "The Grand Finale"

In which SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!

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RuPaul's Drag Race 2-9 "The Diva Awards"

In which there is a dearth of Thundering Drumbeats And Silences, Tyra resorts to manufacturing an entire dress in order to play with people's minds, Tatianna contracts Shannel Syndrome because Raven is a diseased carrier (surprise, surprise), Merle Ginsberg is fucking hallucinating during the runway presentations now, and for the bargain price of $3.99, you too can own Jujubee's soul!

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RuPaul's Drag Race 2-8 "Golden Gals"

In which BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

RuPaul's Drag Race 2-7 "Once Upon A Queen"

In which Raven almost has her perfect day at Tatianna's expense, the racism line is sorely tested with Jujubee, Pandora takes some seriously out-of-line shit from Santino and responds admirably, which is apparently the story of her life, Jessica gets craaaaaaaaaaazy drunk on Absolut Berry ASAYEEEE! and Tyra wants you to believe that she used to be a mean, arrogant bitch. The same way that Mel Gibson used to be an anti-Semite, or Scientologists used to be out of their goddamned minds. Naturally.

RuPaul's Drag Race 2-6 "Rocker Chicks"

In which Raven's delusions of awesomeness actually work in her favor, Tatianna finds an outfit that is unflattering *and* trampy, Sahara pirouettes one too many times, RuPaul, Merle, and Santino's idea of dressing like a rocker is biker/rookie S&M bitch gear, Tyra doesn't know any musicians who have not previously been associated in some way with Beyoncé, and Jujubee chokes, hard. Which is especially bad, considering that this is a singing challenge this week.

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RuPaul's Drag Race 2-5 "Here Comes The Bride"

In which Lazy Entitled Self-Deluded Good-For-Nothing Tyra goes too far and gets her dumb ass exposed, no one really shares Sahara's particular fantasies about her gay wedding, even Pandora gets dangerously close to being on the verge, a useless twat with a stupidified name and a fondness for mixing period costumes invades the judging panel, and Team Resident Evil gets a nickname just in time to be torn apart.

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RuPaul's Drag Race 2-4 "The Snatch Game"

In which Pink has no personality, Lady Gaga's fashion sense is tame, Kimora Lee Simmons is...also there...Beyoncé really has a droning bass voice that makes you want to kill yourself whenever you hear it and disguises herself as a drag queen in her spare time while also paying her secret identity's bills, a six-pack of tube socks can sell for over $10, and RuPaul goes out of her fucking mind on drugs because she may have been confused with Paula Abdul.

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RuPaul's Drag Race 2-3 "Country Queens"

In which the pilot for Drag Survivor is shot, Raven  gets all cunty and thinks she's better than Mystique because she isn't fat, Lazy Good-For-Nothing Tyra remains as cunty as  ever and thinks she's better than everyone by default, Mystique gets even more fuel for her skinny bitch persecution complex, Jessica conquers her limited English proficiency and no one cares, and while the split jump makes yet another appearance, its timing is just way off.

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RuPaul's Drag Race 2-2 "Starrbootylicious"

In which the queens are forced to be hustlers rather than divas, but not hustlers. Because a diva is the female version of a hustler, except when a ho is the female version of a hustler. It's RuPaul's fault for mixing her gay slang with her hip-hop slang at an inopportune time, okay?

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RuPaul's Drag Race 2-1 "Gone With The Window"

12 drag queens compete to become "America's next drag superstar." Most of them are insufferable bitches, two of them are uppity cows despite looking like melted wax and Death, and one is Topher from Dollhouse. Also there are dresses made from curtains and a Lip Synch For Your Life that is Un. Fucking. Believable.

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Content: RuPaul's Drag Race

I've spent most of my "career" as a recapper doing kid's shows, because no one really recaps them. Of course, I do watch other things on TV because I'm [REDACTED] years old. RuPaul's Drag Race is one of these.

I went through my phase of hating anything reality TV-oriented (of course that was back in the day when reality TV was new), and I recognize that the people who read my crap might not necessarily be interested in reading recaps of such a competition. In its defense, all I can offer is this: RuPaul is nice, and funny, and any competition in which eliminations are decided by lip-synching contests is just worth watching. Especially when it involves wigs being torn off and Mortal Kombat-like dance battles. Trust me - RDR is just frickin' amazing.

Content: Power Rangers

The Power Rangers franchise has always been an easy target to make fun of, but after 7 years of writing scathing reviews of the show, I flatter myself to think that I do it with a certain flair. This show has been part of my life since I was 13 years old - kind of like an STD that won't go away - and it's where I got my start as a bitchy recapper.

It's been reduced to fuckhacked reruns now, and it may or may not return to producing new episodes and series. But until it does, I may occasionally feel the need to vent my wrath on the many years' worth of episodes I have yet to review.

And Why Should I Read This? A WDIWT Introduction

Greetings.

My name is ASLogan, and I have an inexplicable addiction to cartoons and kids' shows. I am also *mmphhmmf* years old, and therefore have absolutely no right to still be watching this sort of programming. And yet I do, and find myself ranting and raving at the illogic, idiocy, shameless pandering, and other infuriating qualities I find - partly because I'm an entertainment connoisseur with a practically useless Radio-TV-Film degree, and partly because I'm a raging bitch who enjoys writing scathing and inappropriate television reviews that make people giggle.

Some of you may be familiar with my earlier work with the Power Rangers franchise, on another blog called PRWP. Others may have found your way here because...well, I don't know; maybe you're sadists or you did something bad and are being punished. In any case, welcome, and I hope what you find here gives you at least a little laugh.