In which the pilot for Drag Survivor is shot, Raven gets all cunty and thinks she's better than Mystique because she isn't fat, Lazy Good-For-Nothing Tyra remains as cunty as ever and thinks she's better than everyone by default, Mystique gets even more fuel for her skinny bitch persecution complex, Jessica conquers her limited English proficiency and no one cares, and while the split jump makes yet another appearance, its timing is just way off.
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Why Do I Watch This? Recap – RuPaul’s Drag Race 2-3 “Country Queens” or “All That Is Necessary For Tyra To Triumph Is For Better Queens To Do Urban Country”
7:28 AM. We pick up this week in the queens’ hotel rooms, where we are treated to an attractive shot of that lazy good-for-nothing Tyra peeing, among other things. The sad thing is, this is kind of going to be the tone for this entire episode. Anyway, we then cut to the main workroom, where the queens walk in to find tables with red and white checkered tablecloths and chairs lined up in a row, like you would see in a barbecue restaurant. The Racers immediately deduce that there must be some kind of eating challenge afoot, and Tyra says that he just hopes it isn’t (more) cherry pie. Or any of the innumerable bad things that “cherry pie” easily could have been a euphemism for in the last episode.
In the meantime, some of the queens take a gander at Nicole. Paige. Etc. Etc. Ad. Infinitum. Brooks. From. Ad. Nauseam. Atlanta. Georgia.’s parting lipstick mirror message, and Raven interviews that he was relieved to have beaten her in Lip Synching For Their Lives. He tells the other queens that being in the bottom two suuuuuuuucked, and talking heads that he didn’t come here to lurk in the bottom, but rather to win.
She Mail then arrives, and RuPaul drops a lot of country song titles as clues to the next challenge. RuGunn then walks into the workroom dressed in full cowboy attire, and has the queens take their seats at the feeding trough tables. He then reminds them that his career as a drag superstar began in Georgia, and that he is “a country queen at heart.” He says that in his early years he had no money and would have to eat “anything” – which is what the Racers will now have to do as well. Yaaaay, as if I’m A Celebrity – Get Me Out Of Here! didn’t show us enough reasons why Survivor challenges shouldn’t really be ripped off. Most of the queens cringe and make faces, and Raven interviews that Mystique is probably going to win this one, being a fatty and all. I wonder how well Raven’s plastic-fucked face will hold up after Mystique sees this episode, hunts his ass down, and sits on him? Because Raven sure as hell doesn’t strike me as someone who can take down a big person, so you’d really think he’d be more careful.
RuGunn elaborates that this week’s mini-challenge is to taste several different items and discern whether what they’re eating is chicken, or if it’s “What?! [sic]” The first two queens to collect 3 points will be the winners, and the Racers must perform the challenge blindfolded. Pandopher echoes my sentiments in a talking head that he did not know that “drag Survivor” was going to come up this season. But now that I think about it, wouldn’t Drag Survivor be a kickass show to watch? Get moving on this one, Logo!
So RuGunn’s Hunky Naked Minions enter dressed in cowboy hats, bandannas, boots, and booty shorts to serve the first course: something small, brown, and fried. Most of the queens answer “What?!” and Jessica and Sahara (I believe) answer “Chicken”. The correct answer: “bull testicles”, at which point I’m guessing that “What?!” is the queens’ expected response to learning the true nature of anything that isn’t chicken. The second course (also brown and fried, but slightly bigger than the bull balls) is “soy chicken,” netting Mystique, Morgan, and Pandopher 2 correct answers/points thus far. Third course comes in the form of an oblong fried something (which Sahara interviews felt like “a rat tail”), which turns out to be “frog legs.” In response, Sahara lets out the bloody fucking girliest squeal, like you have a penis, man! BUCK UP!
After three rounds, Mystique, Pandopher, and Morgan are all tied for the lead, so RuGunn presents them with baskets containing fried “chicken, rabbit, alligator, and deep-fried cow brains.” The first two queens to eat everything in their baskets and show him their empty mouths will win the challenge, and Mystique sets out to win with a strategy of chewing everything halfway and then swallowing it down with water. Sure enough, he is the first one to finish and score a win, and Raven cattily interviews that he may as well have just unhinged his jaw and tipped the contents of the basket in. RuGunn notes that Morgan has two fried somethings left, which Morgan interviews were allegedly the cow brains, but the skull-faced queen winds up vomiting at the taste of them and possibly also on Jujubee. Poor Jujubee. However, Morgan winds up being the second winner anyway, and RuGunn names them team captains for the main challenge.
RuGunn then brings out a can of shortening with a cleverly faked “Disco!” label, and tells the queens that their main challenge will be to shoot a commercial promoting the product. Mystique recruits Pandopher, Jujubee, Tatianna, and Jessica, while Morgan selects Raven, Sahara, and Sonique and is stuck with Lazy Good-For-Nothing Tyra (as Mystique looked at Tatianna for advice on choosing between Tyra and Jessica, and Tatianna as he interviews replied “FUCK no to Tyra!”). Tyra, for his part, remains under the delusion that “they saved the best for last”. Oh bitch, even Nicole. Etc. wasn’t laboring under that fantasy. RuGunn then offers Mystique (as the initial mini-challenge winner) the choice of two commercial scripts, one for fried chicken and one for fried fish, and Mystique selects fish. La Supermodel says that both scripts feature the same “country queen” characters, and that both teams will shoot their spots tomorrow.
Later, Team Mystique meets to go over their fried fish fillets script, and Jujubee interviews about his doubts concerning the large queen’s leadership abilities. However when handing out parts, Mystique cleverly gives the role of “Disco Critter” to Jessica since it has the least lines, and would minimize any concerns over Jessica’s limited English proficiency. Jujubee is then cast as “Ellie Mae”, Pandopher as “Aunt June Fay”, and Tatianna as “Baby Girl”.
Over on Team Skullhead, Morgan casts Sonique as Aunt June Fay, Sahara as Ellie Mae, LGFN Tyra as Baby Girl, and Raven as the Disco Critter. Morgan reasons that Raven is “the best makeup artist” on the team, and will thus shine as the Critter, which is apparently some type of chicken-like creature. Raven, however, is not nearly as pleased and instantly pulls a face at his costume. In this case I really can’t fault him, because Raven’s initial costume makes him look like a duckling (and we’re talking a rubber ducky style duckling, rather than a realistic baby duck) instead of a chicken.
Team Mystique. Jessica is trying out some really freakish character voices for his lines, and winds up sounding like a chain-smoking pirate parrot trying to do “The call is coming from inside the house!” He interviews that even though he was cast as the Disco Critter because it had the fewest lines, he still feels like it talks a lot. Jujubee concurs, interviewing that Jessica/Critter’s lines were “the opening and closing monologues”. Jessica has some difficulty in learning the word “shortening” and then deciding between that and the more colloquial “short’nin’”, leading Mystique to have a mini-panic attack.
Later, the queens are shaving and putting on their makeup in preparation for their commercial shoots, and Mystique interviews that they were only given “about 3 hours” to learn their lines. Jujubee has since had a complete reversal of his opinion of his team leader, interviewing that Mystique is working really hard to get both his and everyone else’s lines down. Meanwhile, Team Skullhead is still bitching about how Mystique allegedly inhaled the fried Chicken ‘N What?! and Mystique interviews that it’s basically more of the same shit he’s gotten his whole life for being big. So if any of you have been wondering exactly where Mystique got that huge chip on his shoulder (which he of course ate later) against skinny bitches, you can follow my eyes proverbially over to the ex-con looking douche with the Angelina Jolie lips and his manorexic crony. In the same vein, Jessica is still having trouble with his words, and interviews that nothing that he’s wanted in life has come easy and that he just has to work harder.
RuGunn then walks back into the workroom and heads over to Team Skullhead, dubbing them the “McCoys”. He asks them if they’re confident about knowing their lines at this point, and when they reply in the affirmative he prompts them for a run-through then and there. They get through the first few minutes of their sketch okay, and RuGunn asks Morgan what he’s most worried about going into the challenge. Morgan replies that he just doesn’t want his team to end up in the bottom again, and interviews that he will almost certainly be up for elimination if they do. RuGunn then asks if any of them are basing their characters off of people in their real lives, and Raven jokingly says that his Disco Critter is based off of his mother. More seriously he does tell RuGunn that his Critter is going to be “fun” among other things, although his accent and demeanor come off more like Wilford Brimley than anything else. In his talking head, Raven laments that there’s no real way to make his Disco chicken “pretty”, which I think says a lot about his entire approach to this exercise and how it’s going to go deeply, deeply wrong.
Moving onto Team Mystique (the “Hatfields” by default), RuGunn asks them for “an impromptu table reading” as well, only for the queens to flub all of their lines horribly. Jujubee admits in his interview that the team is not at all prepared, especially him. Pandora interviews that the “pressure” of running lines in front of RuGunn may have also hurt them. RuGunn finds out that Mystique chose Jessica to be the Disco Critter and points out that while the Critter only has two lines, those lines still contain a lot of talking. Mystique perhaps lies that he is confident in Jessica’s ability to handle the part, and interviews that he is sure to “go down” if their team blows the commercial.
RuGunn then brings Team McCoy-nee-Skullhead over to Team Mystique-nee-Hatfield to inform them all that a “pro” will be helping to coach them through their shoots – one of this week’s guest judges, Kathy Najimy of Sister Act and King Of The Hill. All the queens seem pleased, until RuGunn also reveals that the teams will now have to swap scripts, making Team Skullhead the new Hatfields and Team Mystique the new McCoys. So much for all the effort Team Skullhead put into getting their lines down. Sahara and Raven are particularly displeased, and RuGunn leaves everyone to try not fucking up while learning their scenes all over again.
Shoot Day arrives, and Team MystiCoy moseys in to film their commercial in front of RuGunn and Kathy Najimy. Jujubee interviews that they are “ugly-fabulous and owning it.” Mystique is dressed in a cowboy blouse, skirt, and hat, with a large, curly white wig and several teeth blacked out to appear missing. Tatianna looks like Paris Hilton in a babydoll dress over normal (girl’s) clothes with a blonde wig tied back with a purple hair bow. Pandora looks like an aging pregnant hooker with a frizzy, distressed blonde wig, an open bottle of beer, and several artificially missing teeth. Jujubee is dressed as an oversexed Asian Dakota Fanning in a pigtailed blonde wig and orange Crocs, carrying a single rose. And Jessica is dressed in a ducky costume similar to Raven’s, accented with yellow and white striped tights, orange and white underfeathers around the sleeves, and a wild blonde wig. RuGunn introduces Kathy Najimy to the group and says that she will in fact be directing the commercial. Jujubee interviews that Kathy Najimy makes her want to pee. Everywhere. Um…thanks?
So Team MystiCoy gets rolling, and Jessica interviews that she is going to do her best to “feel like a pollo”. To her credit, she nails all of her initial lines, but Kathy Najimy advises him to slow down a little so the audience can understand her words. On Jessica’s second take, her accents needs correcting as she winds up saying “home-fried male” instead of “home-fried meal,” and Kathy quips to RuGunn that she thought the commercial might have been about trying to “fry up a boy.” Jujubee is advised to up the sexiness of her lines and mannerisms, and Pandora is told to work her cigarette and “chain-smoke” through her lines. Tatianna, who is meant to portray an actual Baby Girl via a trick basket and puppet doll arms, interviews that it was difficult not being able to use her actual body to play her role, and is told by Kathy to use a higher voice. Mystique fares the worst by far out of the group, flubbing her lines, failing to take RuGunn and Kathy’s boob-jiggling direction, and not facing the camera at the proper time.
Team SkullHatfield then gets their moment on camera, and Raven fails right off the back by looking like a winged Ronald McDonald and playing her role as if she were impersonating “Meryl Streep”, and Kathy points out that she needs to be much funnier as the Disco Critter. Raven interviews that she had difficulty because she had trained in rehearsals to just have “a southern accent” rather than “be a chicken” – even though the instinct should really have been to sound like a southern chicken – and declares that she “could sell ice to an Eskimo – but not dressed as a fucking chicken.” Excuses, excuses, Plastic Annie. Kathy also says that Raven’s makeup makes her look like “The Joker,” crushing her and her allegedly awesome makeup skills just a little, and Raven talking heads that she could have made the experience “a little more fun.” So it’s up to the guest judge of a reality TV competition to entertain you the contestant? This crazy bitch is gonna end up Lip Synching For Her goddamned Life again.
Tyra, meanwhile, interviews that Raven was getting told over and over to “be energetic” and failing miserably because what Raven does best is Donatella Versace sleepy Italian zombie-face, and says that a professional should only have to be told once, if that. Sahara then hams up her character way too much, and Kathy says that she seems more like someone who “just saw an alien” rather than the sad sex kitten she’s supposed to be playing. Sonique is told to be more bossy as her Auntie character, while Baby LGFN Tyra is praised for her low droning voice for a change, with Kathy saying that it’s “hilarious” coming out of what is supposed to be a baby. She calls it “a baby just out of prison,” making RuGunn cackle hysterically.
Morgan then starts airing out her man-cooch, and Kathy stops mid-take to ask whether or not she actually saw Morgan put shortening in her crotch. LGFN Tyra interviews that Morgan wasn’t being anything close to funny, but “crude” as always. Kathy advises her to tone it down because it’s “a family commercial,” and the SkullHatfields manage to get through the rest of their shoot without incident. Morgan talking heads that he is confident that they will be the winning team.
Afterwards, the Hunky Naked Minions serve everyone Absolut hooch and RuGunn informs all the queens that this coming runway presentation will be the occasion in which they will bust out their “best country duds from home,” which they were instructed to bring with them to the competition. He also adds that Tanya Tucker will be on the judging panel, so there will be someone authentically country enough to judge them on this – bear that in mind for later.
The next day, the queens file into the workroom and begin getting into theme drag for the upcoming runway presentation, which Morgan interviews is “Country Couture/Country Glamour/Country Realness.” Lazy Good-For-Nothing Tyra is being somewhat industrious and sewing his own outfit today, probably because he doesn’t have to play on a team anymore and can safely bask in his own self-professed awesomeness, and interviews that he’s going to base his country runway outfit on his aunt; she allegedly has multiple personality disorder or something, and he’s going to try to embody each and every one at the same time. There’s already loads wrong mentally with Tyra himself, so why the fuck not?
Elsewhere, Jujubee tells the others that the first time he did drag in public was at a Halloween party in high school, and he only thought he looked cute when he actually looked like a busted mess. Mystique says that he would never have been brave enough to do drag in high school, while Tatianna chirps that he was doing drag as early as middle school. Mystique just huffs that they already know this story, and snits that Tatianna “came out the womb puttin’ on makeup,” causing everyone to giggle. Jujubee then asks if Tatianna feels “like a woman or a drag queen”, and he replies that he feels like he’s both, to varying degrees depending on the day. Jujubee and Mystique, however, say that they always feel like drag queens and keep their drag personas strictly as a performance. I suspect that may have something to do with Tatianna being ridiculously prettier and more “real” than most of the other queens, but that may be something for the liberal arts students writing gender studies papers to explore.
Jujubee then remarks that Mystique’s cheeks look really “ashen”, and he replies that he has yet to “dust” that part of his face. Jujubee asks Mystique if he is “cooking”, which a helpful drag hint at the bottom of the screen explains is “allowing makeup time to settle on the face before blending.” Sure enough, Mystique says that his makeup is on “slow roast, like that chicken we had.” He and Jujubee then get to having fun with their southern accents from the commercial, and Jujubee busts out this incredible Fat Albert voice that leaves Mystique rolling with laughter. Wow, where was that voice during Team MystiCoy’s shoot? Jujubee probably could have won this challenge if he’d used that.
Later on in the transformation process, Mystique talking heads that the reason he started doing drag is because someone told him that he looked “cute” as a female, and that he’d never received that compliment as a regular boy. To be fair, Mystique is simply not cute as a guy; his face, like Tatianna’s, is far more suited to being a classically attractive female rather than a classically attractive male. The subject then turns to Mystique’s choice of outfit, and Jujubee interviews that she is the only one who does not “look like a country diva.” Dressed in simple black jeans, a purple sleeveless top, and a pink cowboy hat, she looks more like a normal urban woman going for a night out at a western-themed bar and riding the mechanical bull in a drunken haze. Jujubee actually tells Mystique that the pink cowboy hat doesn’t go with her outfit and she winds up leaving it behind, even though that hat was the countriest thing about the outfit. Now she *really* doesn’t look like anything resembling country. Jujubee doesn’t seem like the type to resort to sabotage in this game, so I suspect she may have been trying to get Mystique to change her outfit and not her hat, and Mystique just made the wrong choice between the two.
Runway. RuKlum-Seal makes her entrance in a high, feathered pink wig adorned with a yellow lateral flower, and wearing a matching gown of yellow frills that makes her look like she’s dressed for gay Easter or something. It’s a very Marshmallow Peep sort of couture. RuKlum-Seal makes her customary introduction to/of the judging panel, and tells Santino that she feels “like an ice-cold glass of country-style lemonade,” and Merle chimes in that she looks like “pink lemonade,” which she totally does. Like someone took a pitcher of pink lemonade and a box of yellow Peeps and sewed it into a drag queen-sized gown. Kathy Najimy is back for the runway presentation, along with Tanya Tucker, who is dressed in a leopard-print top and matching church hat – and somehow, this look is way classier than RuKlum-Seal’s. La Supermodel reminds the panel that the Racers were to “put the Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent back in `CUNTry’” – or at least, “country” – this week by way of shooting team commercials for Disco Extra-Greasy Shortening and wowing the panel with their “best denim and diamond couture.” Engines starting, fake women winning.
Sonique is first out, dressed in leather pants and a halter top with a black cowboy hat and once again looking very much like contemporary Madonna. She voiceovers that the character of Sonique is “everything [she feels] inside,” and caps her walk off with a little two-step turn and some killer sunglasses.
Jujubee is very young country tart in denim short shorts, a red tube top, and a checkered shirt tied up around her navel. She accessorizes with a small straw cowboy hat, fringed boots, and a red sucker, leading Kathy and RuKlum-Seal to make the obligatory cherry-popping jokes.
Raven shocks Merle by doing an uncharacteristic turn as Elly May Clampett, and RuKlum-Seal remarks that she’s never seen Raven “so sweet-looking” and that she looks like “the girl next-door.” “Next-door to what?” Kathy Najimy quips, to which RuKlum-Seal punchlines “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas!” Snerk.
Sahara hits the runway in a matching denim vest and skirt with fringed boots that show off her “dancer’s legs”. She interviews that she likes to show off her professional dance training as much as possible, and accompanies her runway with “a little boogie [and] a little shuffle.” Hey, anything that ‘s not a fucking split jump at this point, unless we are doing LSFYL.
Then it’s Tatianna’s turn, and she is…dressed like a Crip or a Blood. Her black and red checkered shirt is too dark, and the bandanna in her hair is tied too much like a gangsta’s do-rag. She looks more like a hooker out of Compton than someone properly affecting country dress, and interviews that she did this on purpose because she wanted to use “an urban twist” to stand out in the competition. Merle still says that she looks like if “Raquel Welch went to the country,” though, so I suppose it’s not a total loss.
Pandora is also very “Don’t Tell Me” Madonna like Sonique, dressed in fringe-legged jeans and a brown tank top with a bandanna tied around her neck on the left. She interviews that she thinks her outfit is “cute” and appropriately country, and RuKlum-Seal and Tanya Tucker says that she totally looks like a “cowgirl” and rodeo-ready.
Jessica Wild is dressed more as a sexy farmhand, with a black corset separating her jeans (into which her shapely ass appears to have been poured, so tight and curvy are they) from her red and white checkered shirt, with black riding boots, a cowboy hat with a bolero tie, and a red bandanna tied around her right wrist. She voiceovers that she feels “sexy” and that “[she is] in the country,” and RuKlum-Seal tells her to work her “Apple Bottom jeans”.
Mystique then steps out onto the runway, and RuKlum-Seal says that she’s “Star Jones before the Pilates.” If “Pilates” is supposed to be some kind of euphemism for gastric bypass surgery or whatever, then yeah, that’s a totally fair statement. Once again Mystique doesn’t look country at all, but rather like an ordinary large black girl dressed up to go clubbing, and I totally blame the lack of the pink cowboy hat. She voiceovers that her strategy is “to stand out” from everyone else in the competition, which she is totally doing – just not in a way that I’m convinced will help her win. She does, at the very least, throw in some square dance twirls on her way back up the runway, which does not escape RuKlum-Seal’s notice.
Morgan then walks out, and RuKlum-Seal says that she is sporting “the look of today’s country girl” in a Marie Osmond wig, jeans, and a rhinestone-embroidered black tunic with bell sleeves and matching short boots. In all fairness, this look does minimize her skeletal facial features and makes her look like a country music performer. Merle calls the look “romantic,” and Morgan voiceovers that one doesn’t have to be “Podunk” and stereotypical to be properly country.
Finally Lazy Good-For-Nothing Tyra comes out dressed as a waitress from a rural diner. As much as it pains me to say it, even as kitschy as she looks, she’s still probably going to be scored higher than Mystique. She voiceovers that she wants to give the judging panel “another side of [her]” every week, and this week’s side is apparently the one that designs convertible fashions. The judges squee with delight as Tyra demonstrates that her longer curtain-material skirt comes off to reveal a belted denim mini underneath, causing Kathy Najimy to crack, “I’ll change at the gas station, Mama; you won’t even know!” The rest of the panel roars with laughter until Tyra demonstrates that her discarded outer skirt can transform into a babydoll dress/cape sort of garment, and RuKlum-Seal calls her new look “Super Tyra” and says that she wants one in every color. Honestly it was more flattering before she put on the babydoll cape; now she just looks like she’s getting a dental checkup or a haircut, wearing that overgrown bib/smock. My guess is that she’s trying to score points with Merle, who of late has been all about convertible fashion.
Afterwards, the queens line up at the front of the runway stage, and RuKlum-Seal airs both teams’ Disco commercials. In Team MystiCoy’s, Jessica is creepy-funny as the Disco Critter, Jujubee sounds as if she momentarily lost her lines on the word “short’nin’”, Mystique sounds like she’s being dubbed over by someone completely different, Tatianna just looks kind of weird and retarded, and Pandora’s smoking pregnant aunt with indigestion is still a hoot to watch. Pandora interviews that they were “hilarious” and that she was pleased with their commercial, while Lazy Good-For-Nothing Tyra looks like her assassination plot failed or something. Bidouche.
Then Team SkullHatfield’s commercial is shown, and Raven is still the freakish love child of Ronald McDonald and a rubber ducky. Tyra sounds like a Jamaican baby just out of prison. Sonique is unremarkable, Sahara is a slightly prettier version of unremarkable, and Morgan is dull and fugly as the grandmother. Even Raven’s final “cock-a-doodle-doo” is lackluster and half-assed, and she knows it.
RuKlum-Seal then announces that even though they worked as teams for the main challenge, the queens will all be judged individually and no one will be safe. Of course, she then informs Sonique, Morgan, Jujubee, and Tatianna that they are safe and can leave, making that last bit just a little confusing and hypocritical. The remaining Racers are therefore the best and the worst, and left onstage for individual critiques. Raven is slammed for her performance in the commercial by Merle and Santino, with Santino saying that it didn’t seem like she knew she was supposed to be playing “some sort of an animal.” Raven admits that this is true, and RuKlum-Seal asks her why the fuck she was confused, seeing as the Disco Critter outfit should have been something of a big-ass clue. Raven elaborates that she didn’t know that she was supposed to do a chicken-y voice, but Kathy cuts right through her BS and says that Raven appears to take herself way too seriously. She says that Raven, being in a competition for drag queens, could stand to lighten up a little. Raven, true to herself as always, just looks at Kathy like the judge has just grown a second head.
Jessica is complimented on the way her rear end looks in her jeans, and Santino says that he wants “to mount her.” This makes Tanya Tucker giggle fiercely, as if that last utterance wasn’t completely and utterly fucking disturbing coming out of the not-gay Santino. He manages to recover (slightly) by elaborating that Jessica is “giving thoroughbred realness today,” meaning that she apparently has a horse’s ass. Which he would like to mount. She nonetheless takes it all as a compliment, and Tanya says that she showed no language problems during the commercial and that she would know, as she allegedly “barely speaks English” herself. Jessica says that she enjoyed the character because she “loves the Muppets” and felt like one in her costume. Heh.
RuKlum-Seal turns to Pandora and asks if she made her outfit. Pandora says that most of it is store-bought, but the cowgirl decals and fabric fringe on her legs were made from materials in the workroom and added on. La Supermodel praises her “crafty” qualities, and Tanya Tucker also gives her appreciation, saying that Pandora’s outfit reminds her of her own style. Santino, however, decries the look as “like a child pageant” and says that Pandora looks like an overly made-up preteen. Merle nonetheless overrules him, saying that Pandora’s strength isn’t in her fashion sense but in her ability to do comedy well and that she thought she was the funniest one in the commercials. Pandora admits that making people laugh is something she definitely enjoys doing.
Mystique is up next, and RuKlum-Seal asks if she feels “southern” in that outfit. Mystique replies that she was supposedly going for the look her female friends affect back in Texas, asserting that they are a form of “country.” Yeah, red state-origin rappers and Destiny’s Child songs aside, just because you come from someplace in the American south does not automatically make anything you wear or do “country.” You’re just dressed like an urban party girl who happens to live in a city in Texas. RuKlum-Seal tells Mystique as much, and the large queen attempts to dodge the critique and claim that her look is “mall-wear country.” Once again, the discarded pink cowboy hat would have gone miles toward selling this story. La Supermodel takes her to task for wearing the same top on the runway that she wore for the commercial shoot, and Raven interviews that Mystique absolutely fucked up by wearing that outfit for the runway presentation. Tanya Tucker compliments her twirls on the runway, but Santino suggests that she may have done that because she knew her look wasn’t up to snuff. Kathy Najimy says that she actually forgot that Mystique wasn’t a real female and is a gorgeous (if fake) gal, but agrees that her clothes suck.
RuKlum-Seal and Santino praise Lazy Good-For-Nothing Tyra’s convertible look, but Santino questions why Tyra can’t seem to change her deep, dull, manly voice even when she’s in drag. Tyra admits that she doesn’t really have much in the way of a high range, and even an impromptu lesson in doing Marilyn Monroe’s “Happy birthday, Mr. President” line from RuKlum-Seal doesn’t make much of a dent in Tyra’s clashing bass. Tyra then explains that she used the characteristics of her own son to play the baby in the commercial, saying that he wakes up and falls back asleep at the drop of a hat and that she gave that same trait to her character. Admittedly that was a nice touch, if easy to miss.
At length, the queens are dismissed so that the judges can deliberate. Tanya Tucker says that Mystique has a “really pretty face,” but again slams her outfit. Santino says that it was “so far off the mark” and “stood out in all the wrong ways,” and RuKlum-Seal calls it “inexcusable.” Ru then moves on to Tyra, praising her beauty and her fashion construction skills, but questions how her voice clashes with her appearance. Tanya agrees that Tyra’s realness is perfect until she opens her mouth and speaks. Kathy Najimy and RuKlum-Seal concur about Raven botching the commercial, and Kathy stresses that finding oneself in a chicken suit should be a giant bloody clue to be funny. Santino says that Raven was beautiful on the runway, but that Jessica made a far better Disco Critter. RuKlum-Seal says that Jessica’s limited English proficiency didn’t show up at all in the commercial, and Merle and Kathy both come out in her favor. Santino once again harps on Pandora’s look, calling it “pedestrian,” but RuKlum-Seal says that she is “a fabulous comedienne” and Kathy says that Pandora was “[her] favorite to work with.”
RuKlum-Seal then summons the queens back in for final judgment. She tells Pandora to “step up [her] style” if she wants to win, and says that she’s safe. Mystique did not take direction well on set and failed to put together a properly country outfit on the runway; she’s in the bottom two. She interviews that she thought this might happen and blames it on not portraying “their version of country.” You mean the version that’s actually country and not just dressing like an urban chick that happens to live in the south? I know what thereof Mystique speaks, as I come from the same state and have seen black country up close and personal. But this is, as was put to Raven, a drag queen competition. Stop taking yourself so bloody seriously! Dress up as Minnie fucking Pearl and have done with it already; ain’t nobody gonna be offended, because YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE A GODDAMNED DRAG QUEEN.
Jessica is safe. Raven’s “flashes of star power” are said to be fleeting and inconsistent, and winds up in the bottom two again. She interviews that she is beyond insulted to be ranked alongside Mystique, like, FUCK YOU asshole; you’re *NOT* better than everyone here, and your face still looks like it’s melted. And then motherfucking Lazy, Good-For-Nothing motherfucking Tyra is declared the weekly winner for making a convertible drag outfit and doing an entertaining turn as a Jamaican baby just out of prison. She wins immunity next week and “a collection of designer bags” from m. clifford Designs. That is some bullshit, especially considering that Jessica overcame the fucking language barrier to play a chicken. To make matters worse, Tyra interviews that this win denounces how she was “unfairly” labeled a (lazy, good-for-nothing, snobby, punk-ass) bitch last week, and declares that she is “America’s sweetheart.” You fucking bidouche, that’s like saying Ann Coulter is America’s sweetheart. Shut up, Lazy, Good-For-Nothing Tyra.
Now Raven and Mystique must Lip-Synch For Their Lives to the tune of Wynonna Judd’s “I Hear You Knocking.” Mystique interviews that the lip-synching stage is her “battleground” and that she’s going to go all-out. Likewise, Raven talking heads that she refuses to be sent home instead of Mystique, because bad plastic surgery and being a self-important twat totally trumps being fat. Christ, Raven’s an asshat. In reality, both she and Raven shake their asses and fake tits about the same amount, but Raven dances better. And of all times, Mystique fails to bring out her thundering split jump – so much for “going balls-to-the-wall.”
In the end, Raven is told to Shanté and Mystique, for lack of a pink cowboy hat and timing on her split jump, must Sashay Away. Morgan is visibly relieved in the back, and Raven interviews that if she had been sent home instead of Mystique, she would have slit her FUCKING SHUT IT, YOU INTOLERABLE BITCH-ASS HEIFER. God, I can’t stand her. Mystique then does her split jump as she makes her grand exit, like, what the fuck? Where was that shit when you had to Lip-Synch For Your *fucking* Life? Too little, too late, bitch. On her way out, Mystique interviews that she’s not going to change who she is to win a competition, even though making a proper effort has nothing to do with changing who you are, and “I’mma be me”s her way out the door. Alas, urban country is not actually country; it’s just being urban in a red state, and actually looking country will not offend anyone in Texas. Believe us, we know that that’s what country is, and we *really* don’t care that much. Lighten the fuck up – you’re a drag queen!
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