12 drag queens compete to become "America's next drag superstar." Most of them are insufferable bitches, two of them are uppity cows despite looking like melted wax and Death, and one is Topher from Dollhouse. Also there are dresses made from curtains and a Lip Synch For Your Life that is Un. Fucking. Believable.
Feedback!
Why Do I Watch This? Recap – RuPaul’s Drag Race 2-1 “Gone With The Window” or “Stylists Will Never Embrace Corn As An Accessory”
We begin the second season of what is arguably one of the most involved reality TV competitions on the air today in the main workroom, much enlarged since last season to accommodate the greater number of contestants. It’s a practical idea in more ways than one; in retrospect the sheer number of utter stroppy bitches in this season’s cast means that you reeeeally want as much space as possible between you and all the other punkass heifers. First into the room is “Nicole Paige Brooks”, 35, from Atlanta, Georgia. Remember the name and the city of origin, because if you don’t…well, it really won’t fucking matter, because she will remind you every 10 seconds. Nicole. Paige. Brooks. From. Atlanta. Georgia. is a vaguely pre-op Alexis Arquette-looking guy with gap teeth in normal life, who looks vaguely like Janice Dickinson when in drag – that is, if Janice Dickinson was about 30 lbs. underweight and had gap teeth. She interviews that she presents herself as a “southern belle” type, but in practice appears to be something of a bimbo who is easily overwhelmed by being on reality TV competition and doesn’t know what to do with herself when she walks in.
Next to walk in is “Shangela (Laquifa Wadley)”, 28, from Studio City, California. Shangela is a relatively cute young guy with a wild afro when out of drag, and looks like Rita Moreno with a wig that doesn’t really appear seamless enough when in drag. Don’t get me wrong, she’s still quite lovely, but her look really does pack on about 25 years of age from her boy self. Shangela appears to present herself like a character you’d find on The Boondocks, and Huey would totally hate her. She and Nicole. Paige. Brooks. From. Atlanta. Georgia. get to talking, and we learn that while NPBFAG has been performing as a drag queen for 15 years, Shangela has only been at it for 5 months as of this taping. I guess that explains the problematic wig. NPBFAG interviews that she really doesn’t want to get stuck babysitting this drag princess.
Next comes “Raven”, 30, from Riverside, California. When out of drag, she is a pierced drug-dealer looking guy with a shaved head and named David; whilst in drag, however, she is a hot tranny mess who looks like she’s had a bit too much plastic surgery. Her face is very tight and waxy-looking, and she looks like she’s on her way to Angelina Jolie lips (which thankfully are offset in guy mode because of his lip piercings). NPBFAG asks why she doesn’t have a purse or makeup case with her, and Raven says that she just stashes everything she needs in her cleavage. Given that her guy torso is very obvious in the minidress she’s wearing, I’m guessing that even then she doesn’t need much. Raven interviews that she prefers to present herself as a “mysterious dark ice queen” – read: nasty-ass bitch. She promptly asks and answers that she is “a perfect 10”, even though she is very much a boy in a dress when standing next to NPBFAG and Shangela.
Then a slightly shorter Kimora Lee Simmons impersonator walks in; more properly, she is “Jujubee”, 25, from Boston, Massachusetts. Out of drag, she is a tiny Asian guy with horn-rimmed glasses and Christian Siriano hair, and interviews that his Jujubee (“Juju” for short) persona is very “poppy” and “fashion-forward”, with an abiding love for accessories and “glitter, because it’s wicked spahhkly”, Boston accent included in that last bit. Like Nicole. Paige. Brooks. Etc., (and to a more ethnic extent, Shangela), Jujubee comes off as very bubbly bimbo in her first impression.
After Jujubee comes “Sahara Davenport,” 25, from New York squared. Very handsome, tall, skinny black man out of drag, lovely supermodel look while in drag. All of that goes completely out the window in the next few seconds, however, as Sahara and Shangela squee with delight and run to each other for hugs and kisses and many more squees of delight that drowns out all the other audio on the show and approaches levels of sound that make dogs howl in pain. As it turns out, Shangela and Sahara went to college together and are lifelong friends, and had no idea that they would be competing on RuPaul’s Drag Race together. But seriously, they scream in soprano for about 10 straight minutes, completely nullifying NPBFAG, Jujubee, and Raven’s attempt to have any kind of normal conversation over their oinking and quacking. I like to think my education in the world of drag has grown a lot from watching this show over the past year, but I have to ask Sahara and Shangela – y’all know you’re both still men, right? Because actual female sorority sisters at a reunion don’t make this much high-pitched noise. Not even when they’re in bed with the entire school football team.
Of course, Raven gets to have a little payback of her own when the next queen to walk in is one of her friends. “Morgan McMichaels,” 28, from Mira Loma, California, is almost as much of a hot tranny mess as her drag sister Raven. She’s dressed like a bleached blonde truck stop hooker in Daisy Duks, fishnets, and a ripped T-shirt – seriously, she belongs in a Whitesnake video from 30 years ago. Raven interviews that she and Morgan started doing drag at the same time at the same club, making them especially close. Nonetheless, while their reunion on the show is enthusiastic, it isn’t nearly as loud or screechy as Sahara/Shangela. As a guy, Morgan is a relatively cute boy with big ears, bright eyes, and ventriloquist dummy teeth; however, those teeth become truly terrifying when in drag, giving Morgan a death rictus that will give you nightmares for ages. Morgan interviews that because she is “pretty and sexy” in drag, “people” think he should always dress slutty. Could that be because you dress like a $5 whore regardless?
A large black girl then walks through the door, and interviews that she is “Mystique Summers Madison”, 25, from Bedford, Texas. Curiously enough, Mystique still looks very much like a girl out of drag, just sans makeup. I honestly had to ask the cognoscenti of this show whether it was open to transgendered individuals, so much does she not look like a guy. At any rate, Mystique also interviews that she totally has a giant chip on her shoulder when it comes to competing against “skinny bitches”, and says that big girls are going to represent this year. And then she ate that chip, along with 256 more because you can never have just one chip, especially when you’re Mystique’s size. Ba-dum-pssh.
After Mystique comes a queen who is even more of a boy in a dress than Raven, with very aquiline features and an obvious wig. “Jessica Wild” is 29 and from San Juan, Puerto Rico, and her English is markedly even worse than her Puerto Rican forebear from last season, Nina Flowers. Jessica, who again is probably the most clearly mannish of the contestants in appearance, interviews that she knows that her poor English could be a grave weakness in the competition, and says that if she doesn’t understand something, she will just smile. I suppose that’s only slightly better than coming to this competition and not knowing how to sew, as RuPaul does judge heavily on queens being able to put together fabulous looks and present themselves well while addressing crowds and/or cameras.
Next in is “Sonique”, 26, currently residing in Atlanta and thus an acquaintance of Nicole. Paige. Brooks. Etc. Unlike Nicole. Paige. Brooks. From. The same town, however, she is mono-nomenclatured and thus has an infinitely more succinct introduction. When not in drag, Sonique is Kurt Cobain, only not dead. Dressed as a Moulin Rouge burlesque dancer type, she interviews that her mother sent her to military school in her youth in the hopes of getting “a little soldier”, only to wind up with the lead singer of Nirvana who doubles as a drag queen. Outfit aside, Sonique is quite lovely as a queen, appearing to be a cross between a (much) younger Madonna and Marilyn Monroe. Regretfully, however, she is not also a DJ/electronic dance artist who recorded “It Feels So Good” back in 2000. Letdown.
Our next entrant, “Tatianna”, 21, from Falls Church, Virginia is a stunning girl dressed like an extra out of Xanadu, which makes her slightly less stunning to look at. As a boy, she has glasses and facial hair, which essentially just makes her look like a butch lesbian because her features are so extremely feminine. She says in her talking head sequence that she started doing drag at the age of 14, by going to school as Tatianna. The ensuing beating, I’m assuming, must have been horrific.
Then a queen dressed in a pink Cyndi Lauper-esque number with blonde pigtails bursts in, hooting “Hey fake ladieeeeeeees!!!” “Pandora Boxx”, 37 (or “thirty-mumblemumblemumble”, as he interviews as a man), from Rochester, New York isn’t quite as gorgeous as some of the other Racers, but seems like she’d be a blast to hang out with. Also, he totally looks like Topher from the late, lamented Dollhouse in boy form, which just makes it that much more awesome. She describes her persona as a mix of “Madonna, Goldie Hawn, and Kathy Griffin”. She’s racking up points with me by the second. Shangela asks if she sews, and Pandora replies in the affirmative, saying that she made the “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”-type outfit she’s currently wearing. Shangela howls with glee and immediately gloms onto her, because she herself cannot sew. DUN! That is the fucking kiss of death on shows like this! RDR is, like, half Project Runway; you have to be able to sew here! Well, Shangela’s done for. Huey Freeman will be pleased.
The final contestant to arrive is a taller, slightly (ever so) more masculine Rihanna impersonator in a gold leopard-print “secretary trading on her ass” outfit. She bills herself as “Tyra Sanchez”, 21, from Orlando, Florida, and is an equally pretty black guy when out of drag. She also interviews (in an amusingly bass voice that totally doesn’t go with her look) that she absolutely thinks she’s the prettiest one here, and compliments herself for wearing her Rihanna bob wig for the first day. I know that every drag queen is at least a little full of herself – occupational hazard and all – but this chick seems to be pushing it mightily.
Suddenly a siren goes off, and RuPaul’s voice alerts the queens that they’ve got “She-Mail”. Everyone then gathers around the flat screen TV at the far end of the workroom, where RuPaul’s ginormously blonde-wigged talking head welcomes everyone to RuPaul’s Drag Race. She says that the reason they are all here is because they weren’t smart enough to release a not-so-secret sex tape to the media in order to land their own reality TV series. Heh. More seriously, she adds that this season’s competition to find “America’s next drag superstar” will be much longer and more difficult than the last, “with more twists and turns than Kim Kardashian trying to wiggle out of a pair of Spanx.” RuPaul himself then enters, out of drag, to meet and greet everyone, and the queens pretty much all interview about how incredible it is to be meeting such a drag legend. RuGunn declares that “anybody who steps out of the house with high heels and a wig is [his] hero.” Remember that one, because like Nicole. Paige. Brooks. From. Atlanta. Fucking! Georgia. It will come up again. And again. And again. And again. …And again.
After buttering up “the chosen 12” and praising their “Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent”, RuGunn outlines the RDR winner’s prize package of a lifetime supply of NYX cosmetics and the opportunity to be the company’s online spokesmodel, a 1 year contract with Project Publicity (an LGBT PR firm), a feature in the LA Eyeworks designer eyewear campaign, the headlining spot on LOGO’s Drag Race Tour, and $25,000, $5000 up from Season 1’s cash prize. He then brings in chiseled silver fox Mike Ruiz (who has appeared several times previously on the show as RuPaul’s go-to guy for photography and film/video work) for the episode’s “mini-challenge”. The girls will be doing a photo shoot with Mike Ruiz inspired by Gone With The Wind, allegedly one of Ru’s favorite movies, and the queen who “gives the best face” (transitioning into Bebe’s rap from “Cover Girl (Put The Bass In Your Walk)” on RuGunn’s part) will be the winner and presumably have some kind of advantage for the elimination challenge.
After the break, we pick up in one of the more studio-y parts of the set, where Mike Ruiz’ photography equipment is set up, along with a sunrise/sunset backdrop, a 19th century prop cannon, and two hunky black guys carrying bayoneted rifles and dressed in Union soldier uniforms without sleeves and/or shirts. Also present is a fan that is as high as RuPaul is tall, and RuPaul is pretty damn tall. Jujubee is the first queen to shoot, and Ruiz and RuGunn inform her that her motivation is to pretend that it’s the height of the American Civil War, and that she should straddle the cannon, be creative with the piece of blue silk decorating it, and “interact” with the beefy soldiers. So Jujubee rides the cannon and picks up the silk, at which point the fan switches on and produces gale-force winds. Apparently the real challenge is for the queen to strike her fiercest pose in the face of the significantly powerful air blast, which is…pretty evil, actually. Jujubee is forced to manually hang onto her wig and fake eyelashes towards the end of her shoot, but manages a fairly striking photo with the silk billowing from her arm like a flag. Afterwards, she confesses that she has “never been blown like that” before, eliciting cackles from Mike and RuGunn.
Next up is Tatianna, who believes that everything is better with a giant fan involved. She quickly changes her tune when the wind speed gets up to 120 knots, but manages to turn her flying fake tresses to her advantage in her photograph. Sonique’s shot make her look like she’s throwing the ball of silk like a Hadouken or something. Pandora Boxx appears to be screaming over the wind in her portrait, once again working her Cyndi Lauper vibe. Jessica Wild appears to be telling the ripped soldiers where to shoot by pointing. Mystique’s picture is fairly fetching, if one likes big girls, although her top appears to be slipping down off her cleavage a bit.
When it gets to be Morgan McMichaels’ turn, however, her wig is completely torn off by the fan’s winds and flies across the set. RuGunn encourages her to keep going, and to pretend that the damned Yankees have even snatched the weave right off her head. To her credit, she attempts to cover her now butch lesbian-looking head by fashioning a makeshift niqab from the silk piece, but doesn’t manage the trick before her time is up. Mike Ruiz interviews that he did manage to get a decent shot of her before her hair decided to up and leave, but the photo does make her look like she’s absolutely stoned.
Morgan then returns to the workroom and tells the others that her wig “went on vacation.” At the same time, the queens who’ve finished are changing out of drag, and several of them interview that they’re curious to see each other dressed as men for the first time and wonder what everyone will look like. Morgan tells the others that she hopes that at least some of them are “attractive boys, like [her].” Yeah, that would have come off cuter if she didn’t have that grinning skull head of hers.
Nicole. Paige. Brooks. From. Atlanta. Georgia. Who will “Never. Go hungry. Again,” she alleges, is up next. Seriously, I can barely stand to even type her name at this point, her schtick is getting so tired. After making a point of pinching the biggest soldier’s nipples she gets down to business, and Mike Ruiz interviews that while she was charming, her face was really working against her. Truthfully, the blowback from the wind did emphasize NPBFAG’s witchy features, and the half-drunk, half-high stinkface Ruiz makes while describing her shoot pretty much tells the rest of this story, though he is polite enough to simply call her “catalog rather than couture”.
Sahara Davenport goes next, and Mike Ruiz says that while she definitely knew how to pose her body, her face was really mangled by the wind. Sure enough, one of her eyes remains almost shut for quite some time while her other eye is wide open, bulging, and fluttering thanks to rapidly loosening fake eyelashes. It’s very plastic surgery-gone-awry, but her final picture comes out relatively decent, albeit with eyes closed.
Tyra Sanchez interviews that she found her shoot difficult because she couldn’t cross her legs while seated on the cannon, lest she have her cooch photographed by Mike Ruiz as well. She stresses that she tries at all times to be “perfect” but thinks that she could have definitely done better in this challenge. Her photograph makes it look like she was about to pass out from exhaustion on the cannon, with tremendously heavy sleepy-eyes.
Shangela says that she wanted to be as fierce as possible in her portrait, but admits that the wind was stripping away her top and exposing her falsies. RuGunn certainly notices this, and yells “Chicken cutlets! Chicken cutlets!” at her several times. Her final photo looks like she’s striking an old school dance pose with serious hip action, which probably wasn’t at all intentional.
When it’s Raven’s turn, RuGunn quips that her short skirt is showing off her “possum in the woods”. She also suffers from rapidly flapping fake eyelashes during her shoot, but manages a photo in which she looks like a great beast reaching out to snatch up a helpless villager and devour him. And once again, she totally looks like an unsavory man in a dress and/or a hyper-aggressive lesbian.
When she returns to the workroom, Raven says that she enjoyed being able to air out her snatch. In response, Sahara interviews that Raven and Morgan are already working her last nerve on the first day, and Tyra likewise states that Morgan is coming off as a total bitch and not at all in a complimentary way. Tatianna manages to learn that Shangela doesn’t do her own hair and makeup, and Shangela talking heads that the other queens seem to be “looking down on [her]” for only having been a drag queen for 5 months. Could it be because you don’t do your own makeup and hair or sew? Two skills which are kind of absolutely fucking necessary to be a drag queen in the first place, and one without which you will probably be booted from this competition within the first two episodes? Christ.
RuGunn and Mike Ruiz then enter the workroom, along with the hunky soldiers who are now toting trays of Cosmopolitans for them and the queens. Ru then announces that while they all performed well (to varying extents) during the photoshoot, he felt that Raven’s portrayal of a Civil War era tyrannosaurus or something was the best picture, and s/he wins the challenge. Raven interviews that he thinks that his winning the first challenge will strike fear into the hearts of the other Racers, and says that she plans on winning the entire competition. Uh, not by looking like a tytrannysaurus rex, you won’t. RuGunn tells everyone to get some rest, because “tomorrow is another day.” Also, he don’t know nothin’ ‘bout birthin’ no babies, Miss Scarlet! *SLAP!* Yeah, I think we’ve drilled the GWTW quotes into the ground now.
The next morning, the queens haul their skanky asses out of their hotel beds, get dressed (as guys), and return to the studio, which has now been filled with various curtain rods and drapery panels. RuGunn is also there, and reminds everyone that the theme of this episode is Gone With The Wind. As a result, their elimination challenge will be to create “their best drag look” from one pair of curtains and assorted “used home furnishings” for use as accessories. Ouch. Have I mentioned that I would never have the balls to do reality TV because of stunts like these? The queens have until the following day to complete their outfits, and Raven (as winner of the mini-challenge) gets first pick of curtains for raw material. He winds up selecting a lovely pair of zebra-print curtains, which Pandora interviews that he totally wanted.
RuGunn then unleashes the rest of the queens to fight over the remaining pairs of curtains, reminding them that they only get one set of curtains per Racer. Gentlemen, start your engines, and may the best woman win. The remaining queens promptly trample each other to snag curtains, largely for RuGunn’s sheer amusement. One day, I hope I can set up a reality TV competition where I can have poor bastards running around doing stupid and impossible shit for my own amusement as well – because damn if it doesn’t look like fun on RuPaul’s part. Shangela interviews that they all abandoned any pretenses at being ladylike at that point – they were just “men running for curtains.” In the show proper he accuses Tyra of unnecessary roughness, while Tatianna and Morgan also duel over a set of drapes. Tatianna ends up winning because he is taller and can reach the curtains easier and because he was unwilling to let go of the curtains in contention. Hard feelings ensue on both sides.
When the queens return to the workroom with their curtains, they proceed to comb through the assorted garage sale junk which they must also incorporate into their creations. Jujubee selects a ceiling fan to work with, while Shangela sneakily arranges for Pandora-Topher to work next to him so he can “learn” to sew by watching him. Pandopher recognizes that he’s totally being used, but agrees out of pity and because he needs the workspace. Much like his reunion with Sahara Davenport, Shangela’s efforts at sewing are also accompanied by loud, high-pitched squealing. Pandopher interviews that if he runs out of time for his own garment due to having help Shangela, he may very well sew Shangela’s face to the couch and his dress form to his afro. He might also wipe Shangela’s mind with a hi-tech chair, stick his personality in a portable hard drive, and reprogram him as his sleeper assassin Doll bitch, which he will then hopefully turn on Raven and Morgan.
As Sahara and Shangela proceed to screech across the workroom to each other, Tatianna interviews that Mystique is complaining about his curtains not being “plus-size girl friendly”, since he is a size 22. Raven elaborates that the large queen just appears to have subpar construction skills since all he appears to be doing is wrapping his curtains around him to create a simple tube dress, which Raven alleges looks like “a huge pillowcase”. To be fair, Mystique does look like a big caterpillar trying to spin his curtains into a cocoon. The hot tranny mess says that Mr. Size 22 just needs to shut the fuck up and make it work. Karma then strikes back at Raven, as Morgan (who is sharing his workstation) informs him that he thinks he’s broken their sewing machine. Raven is totally all “Fuck!” and Morgan angsts at the prospect of having to Lip Synch For His Life as a result. Truthfully, I’m angsting at bit at that prospect too – Morgan doesn’t really strike me as a very classy performer. Or a very classy anything, really. He doesn’t even look like he’d make a very classy Dia De Los Muertos queen, even though his calavera-like head should make him a total ace at it.
RuGunn then walks in to appraise everyone’s work thus far. His first stop is Mystique, who complains about having to use a size 16 dress form to fashion her size 22 pillowcase tube cocoon. RuGunn asks (quite sensibly) if he can’t simply pad the dress form, but Mystique says that he “doesn’t have time”. RuGunn replies that the challenge is about “overcoming adversity” after all, which is his polite way of saying “I gave you a perfectly valid solution to your problem, but if you don’t want to do it, shut the fuck up and work, bitch.”
Next in line is Shangela, who reveals that much of his outfit is going to be “hot gunned” since he is only now learning to sew. Most of my fashion knowhow comes from Project Runway and other Bravo shows, but even I know that an outfit mostly held together with hot glue does not bode well for a reality TV competition. Although I suppose an impromptu and involuntary strip show on the runway would make for one hell of a presentation, never mind if it happened during Lip Synch For Your Life. Shangela digs his grave even deeper by interviewing that even though he is a green drag queen, he quit his job in order to be on the show because he loves being a professional queen. Now I’m convinced he’s going to be the first out. The final nail in the coffin is when RuGunn finds out that Shangela plans to accessorize his outfit with two cobs of waxed Indian corn. The Supermodel is clearly dubious, but says that Shangela has “a lot of potential”.
RuGunn moves on to Tyra and discusses how he has a young son named Jeremiah. Tyra explains that he and Jeremiah’s mother wanted to give him a biblical name, since his name also comes from the Bible. “`Tyra’ is in the Bible?” RuGunn predictably asks, though it’s still fairly snerk-worthy. Sure, Tyra is in the Bible; everyone knows Tyra 3:21 – “And yea, though I hath two beautiful ladies standing before me / I hath but one photo in mine own hand / and yon photo represents the one of ye that shall still be worthy to become The Lord thy kingdom Israel’s Next Top Model. / I shall call but one name and she whose name I do not call / The Lord shall smite thee, and ye must hie to thine tent/hut/palace here, pack thy belongings / and return to thine own land.”
Anyway, Tyra – who has probably heard this joke several times before – elaborates that his given name is “James” and is indeed biblical. He interviews that Jeremiah was born in the first week of his senior year of high school, and that he’s never been away from him this long before. So Tyra Sanchez knocked a girl up in high school and is now a drag queen 3 years later. Even if you assume that Tyra is a straight man who happens to be a professional female impersonator – yikes. That must have been almost as picturesque as Tatianna going to school in drag at 14 and probably getting the living crap kicked out of her.
RuGunn heads over to Sahara’s station next, and compliments him on the bustier he is currently hot gluing into shape. Sahara admits that he doesn’t really have a clear direction in which to take his outfit yet, and Ru is all, “This worries me.” Sahara is adamant about having an excellent garment to show, though, so RuGunn elects to leave him to it.
Over at Morgan’s table, RuGunn sees that he has attached a loincloth-looking skirt and some kind of shoulder cape to his dress form. Maybe he’ll walk down the runway as a topless Native American superhero. Morgan explains that he wants to add “a high neck” and maybe also a whole lampshade. RuGunn quizzes him on time, and Morgan assures him that he will make it work.
RuGunn then departs, but not before announcing to the queens that Kathy Griffin will be joining his judging panel for tomorrow’s runway show. All the queens seem elated, and Pandopher interviews that he is particularly thrilled because she is a great idol of his. He leaves them with his time-honored warning not to fuck their shit up. Appropriately enough, Mystique starts to panic about whether or not he will be able to pull any sort of butterfly out of his size 22 pillowcase tube cocoon.
The next day, the queens file into the workroom and everyone is nervously scrambling to finish their looks. To compliment his size 22 pillowcase tube cocoon, Mystique reveals that he has concocted an African head basket swathed in the same material and filled with wax grapes. He asks for Sahara’s opinion, and Sahara is noncommittal but interviews that he thought Mystique looked horrific. Morgan also interviews that he thought Mystique’s look was “a mistake”, but he’s a cadaverous bitch so who cares? Everyone then gets their makeup on, and Raven interviews that he loves doing drag “because of the transformation.” Yes, your transformation from rough-looking boy into even rougher-looking obvious tranny is remarkable indeed. Nicole. Paige. Brooks. From. Atlanta. Georgia. declares that “Being. Able. To Change. Yourself. Into. A completely. Different. Person. Is very. Empowering.” Or something to that effect without the stops. She is just getting on my last nerve.
Runway. RuPaul makes her grand entrance in RuKlum-Seal mode, wearing a shimmery red strapless gown that makes her look a little hippy and a slightly less poofier blonde wig than in her She Mail videos. The judging panel applauds her, as they’re probably obligated to do, and RuKlum-Seal introduces them to the audience: Santino Rice, the abrasive tool from Project Runway 2; Merle Ginsberg, 2nd place finisher from that Launch My Line show with the helium-voiced gay twin hosts, beef slab Mike Ruiz from yesterday, and the always awesome Kathy Griffin. Kathy immediately tells RuKlum-Seal that she did an excellent job in dismembering Michelle Obama and transplanting her arms onto her own body, as they are extremely flattering on her. RuKlum-Seal and Merle take a moment to indulge their ensuing giggles, after which Ru reminds everyone of the queens’ challenge to create drag looks out of curtains and assorted house crap. Engines starting, best woman winning, blah, blah, blah, realitycatchphrasecakes. Though I will say that Kathy Griffin looks totally jazzed to see the fruits of this endeavor, which is always nice to see in a guest judge.
First out is Tyra Sanchez, who has created a glossy number in different shades of bronze with a curtain finial as a cleavage brooch. Her outer skirt can fly apart as a sort of waist cape, revealing a more fitted copper and ivory gown underneath. She believes that she stands a great chance of winning because she thinks she’s the prettiest. Cow. Kathy and RuKlum-Seal love that the “carpet doesn’t match the drapes” (of her dress, that is).
Next out is Raven, in a zebra print curtain mini with a splash of red down the middle, a wide pleather belt, and a straight blonde wig that makes her look like the SNL parody version of Donatella Versace – a sleepy Italian zombie whose plastic surgery makes her face look overly tight and droopy at the same time. To her credit, however, she does have an excellent runway walk and has perfected the bored and vacant look of the professional fashion model – although once again, that may just be her fucked-up face on its own merits. Kathy Griffin compliments her on creating a design that gives her great waist definition.
Sonique walks out in a military green and dark gold striped number that is a cross between tribal wear and a Sailor Moon costume, using her curtain rod as a walking stick. She interviews that her look is intended to be “Southern belle, African, [and] Playboy Mansion all rolled into one,” which is an odd statement because Mystique is the only one here who could convincingly appear to be the Playboy Mansion. RuKlum-Seal quips that she wonders what Sonique intends to use the rod for. Ba-dum-pssh.
Jujubee works the runway in a couture coat outfit with a high, ruffled collar that gradually turns into cravat ruffles on her chest. She interviews that she wasn’t going for pretty, but rather fierce, hence the short platinum-and-dark spotted wig. She also claps her hands together at the end of the runway and bows because she’s Asian, which as an Asian I find really straddles the line between charming and stereotypical. Kathy says that Lauren Bacall would kill for the collar on Jujubee’s dress, and RuKlum-Seal agrees. Wow, with Merle Ginsberg and Santino Rice on the judging panel, how the heck did Kathy Griffin suddenly become the most vocal commentator on fashion?
Next comes Tatianna in a taupe babydoll dress that shows off her amazing legs. Kathy and Merle agree that her legs are stunning, and RuKlum-Seal points out that several of the queens including Tatianna have chosen to don redhead wigs in Kathy’s honor. Tatianna interviews that she had no idea what to actually do with herself on the runway, partly because she was blinded by all the lights and “Ru’s teeth glowing at [her].” The judges do not seem to notice, though, and RuKlum-Seal says that she is “serving some Raquel Welch.”
Sahara Davenport is wearing a white pencil skirt with a beachy train, the blue-and-curtain print bustier she’d been working on, and a wooden parasol with no actual umbrella lining. Kathy Griffin jokes that she must be afraid of rain in the studio, but also notes that her outfit would be perfect for South Beach. Sahara interviews that she did her best to work the runway because it’s one of her favorite things. Santino compliments her use of varying shades of blue in her outfit, which RuKlum-Seal calls “refreshing.”
After her comes Shangela, wielding a fan that looks like it was made (poorly) from a cloth napkin. Her outfit is similarly poorly made, with the saffron skirt simply looking like a large bunch of fabric tied at her waist by a curtain tie belt and her top looking like two orange woven placemats stuffed into her waistline. RuKlum-Seal titters about the waxed Indian corn on the cob hanging from her hand where a purse might normally be, and Merle and Kathy agree that they have no idea what Shangela was trying to do with that. Kathy does volunteer, however, that she has been “corncobbed” before, which is her only reference for Shangela’s accessories. This is equally strange, because by definition women cannot *be* corncobbed. Perhaps Kathy is just trying to blend in by concocting a mysterious past in which she used to be a man.
Jessica Wild has chosen to be original and created a pale gold-tone one piece bathing suit decorated with large fabric and finial “flower” ornaments, as well as giant shoulder and faux-skirt ruffles. Merle compliments her “Wild Flower” concept, and Jessica interviews that she’s never actually seen Gone With The Wind but imagines that Scarlett O’Hara is amazing in the same way that she is. I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that her poor English is what made that statement sound so unintentionally egotistical – “I imagine that Scarlett O’Hara was probably as fabulous as I am.” Kathy wonders how Jessica got her outfit back from “the sweatshops” so quickly, and that it must have taken entire legions of child laborers to create her flowers.
Morgan McMichaels has taken an approach similar to Sonique, and created a tribal-inspired outfit with large shoulder ruffles and a long loincloth skirt. To be fair, she is wearing a lovely updo blonde wig and metallic lipstick does a lot to turn her death rictus into a nice smile. However, her walk is atrocious; she’s going down the runway much too quickly and is teetering from side to side as if one of her legs is shorter than the other. Merle, Kathy, and RuKlum-Seal love her use of eyelets and grommets throughout the costume (even though Kathy admits that she doesn’t know what grommets actually are), and Ru says that her body looks amazing in the outfit.
On the opposite side of looking amazing in her outfit, Mystique parades out in her size 22 pillowcase tube cocoon, which she has managed to crop into a mini tube dress with a sarong-ish train, and her wax fruit-filled head basket. Kathy backhandedly compliments her for embracing her outfit as “a lifestyle” – that of a poor African woman who has to haul her own water, apparently. In the same vein, RuKlum-Seal adds that it’s one step further from purchasing a hybrid car. Mystique interviews that she “pulled out every single trick that [she] had in the bag,” probably because she knows her costume leaves a lot to be desired. To that end, she sets her head basket down on her return trip up the runway and does a thunderous split jump that gets the judges roaring. She says that she did it because she wanted to be “remembered for something” in the event that she was sent home tonight.
RuKlum-Seal next announces the arrival of Nicole. Paige. Brooks. From. Atlanta. Georgia. who is wearing a period-inspired minidress complete with ruffled bodice and billowing ass canopy and train. NPBFAG interviews that she wanted to be “the madam running the saloon [sic] down the street from the Tara that’s burning down.” In that case, shouldn’t she have set her ass canopy on fire or something? She manages to make herself look much more pleasant and less witchy this time, and RuKlum-Seal says that her look is “Vivienne Westwood meets Vivien Leigh.” Merle curses that as a fashion maven she didn’t think to say that first. Maybe she’s still smarting from her loss on Launch My Line, and is distracted today.
Lastly, Pandora Boxx struts out in a pale blue satin kimono and striped dress underneath, still with her fishnet stockings and sporting a clearly Kathy Griffin-inspired red wig with strawberry blonde highlights. She genuinely looks like a Kathy Griffin impersonator, and Kathy herself jokes that she can’t believe “that bitch” went into her purse and stole that wig from her. The entire judging panel breaks down laughing at this, and Pandora interviews that she definitely wanted to pay tribute to her idol since she was given the opportunity to walk the runway in front of Kathy. Kathy winks at her and ruffles her own red wig in recognition, which Merle finds absolutely hilarious.
After the runway show, the queens line up on the crossbar portion of the catwalk, and RuKlum-Seal tells them that “anyone who has the courage to break free and follow their heart is [her] hero.” And they must also step out of the house in high heels and a wig, I’m assuming. After reviewing the queens’ photo shoot prints and their runway presentations, she announces that Jujubee, Tatianna, Raven, Sonique, Jessica, and Nicole. Paige. Brooks. From. Atlanta. Georgia. are all safe, and sends them off to their stew lounge. Raven, who is still in denial about what a garish, mannish mess she is, interviews that she wants to be on top and not just safe. Unfortunately I don’t think contestants are allowed to leave the competition to get corrective plastic surgery. RuKlum-Seal tells the safe girls to step up their efforts for the rest of the competition.
The remaining six queens have the highest and the lowest scores. One of them will be the winner, and one of them will be ou…oh wait, that’s the wrong show. First to be interviewed individually is Tyra; Mike Ruiz says that she wasn’t creative enough with her design, but Santino argues that she just chose to go with a very classical silhouette. Kathy Griffin just advises that she could stand to smile a lot more, especially since she is in a drag competition where face is important. RuKlum-Seal asks what was going through her mind during the photo shoot, and Tyra answers that she was just trying not to fall off the cannon. Kathy says that falling on either or both of the sculpted soldiers would have been a definitive highlight for several reasons.
RuKlum-Seal then turns to Shangela and asks what her half-assed outfit says about her. That may have been slightly paraphrased on my part. Shangela says that she was trying to show that she was “a little rough around the edges” because of her newness to the drag world. Santino tsks that her placemat top makes her cleavage and her waist nonexistent. Mike Ruiz also mentions that her facial expression during her photo shoot sucked.
RuKlum-Seal asks Morgan what her outfit says about her, and the made-up walking corpse says that she wanted to look like a “warrior.” A zombified warrior, but a warrior nonetheless. Kathy Griffin calls her “Chergiefani” because she looks like a combination of Cher, Fergie, and Gwen Stefani – just dead and rotting away. RuKlum-Seal agrees in her best Cher voice that Cher herself wears something similar to perform “Half-Breed”, which cracks up Santino and Mike Ruiz. Santino says that her outfit could have easily been hideous, but she made it just edgy enough. Kathy Griffin then asks her “How much?” because even through the whole warrior and undead mien, Morgan still looks like a total whore.
When it’s Pandora Boxx’s turn, Kathy Griffin says that “it’s like looking in a mirror,” and RuKlum-Seal says that she must think that Pandora is the most beautiful queen up there. Ru adds, however, that she wishes that Pandora had shown the same energy on the runway that she displayed in her photo shoot. Merle agrees, saying that she seems very “demure” and subdued here, whereas her photo shows her “belting it out” like a super-blitzed Judy Garland.
The panel moves on to Mystique, and Kathy Griffin says that while you have to make allowances for it being the first challenge, you only get once chance to make a first impression, and Mystique’s first impression wasn’t exactly spectacular. Mystique says that she knows that she’s a big girl, but wanted to show that she can also pull off a short number like “the skinny bitches.” Unfortunately the close-up of her outfit used to show this also reveals that her hemline is trailing with torn threads, making her look even more unpolished. RuKlum-Seal then points out that her breasts appear to be escaping from her top in her photograph, to which Mystique shrugs and replies “Got milk?” Santino and Mike Ruiz start cracking up, but Merle says that all the humor Mystique is showing now would have done better to show up in her picture.
Sahara Davenport says that her outfit was inspired by her Asian boyfriend, thus the wooden parasol. “Nothing says `Civil War’ like `my Asian boyfriend’,” zings Kathy Griffin, leaving the other judges rolling with laughter. She then elaborates that she doesn’t think Sahara’s outfit is “draggy” enough, and Santino agrees that she could have been a little more flamboyant. Sahara replies that she wanted to go a little more contemporary because she’s a sophisticated New Yorker, but Mike Ruiz reminds her that she’s in a competition to find a drag superstar and not a chic fashion designer.
With that, RuKlum-Seal sends the top/bottom six off to the stew lounge so the panel can deliberate. Once the queens have left, she puts on her very best B-girl voice and declares that Mystique was “raggedy as hell.” Her ass-saving split jump was equally raggedy but entertaining, and Kathy Griffin says that it would have gotten the gays roaring with approval at a normal drag show. Mike Ruiz concurs that her humor alleviates her fucked-upness.
Merle says that Shangela’s look was “too old-fashioned”, and I suppose that if she means that Shangela looks like she put her outfit together in caveman times, I would agree. Kathy says that she showed more personality in the Q&A session than in her walk and needs more performance experience. Mike Ruiz says that while Shangela shows potential, she doesn’t have what it takes to win this competition today. RuKlum-Seal agrees, saying that she’s not running “RuPaul’s School For Girls.”
According to Kathy, Sahara is very chic and has great poses, but is not a very fabulous queen. Mike agrees that she has no “razzle-dazzle.” Merle says that Tyra is gorgeous, but lacks personality, or “Wessonality” as RuKlum-Seal prefers. On the other hand, Merle says that Morgan really showed a lot of (dead) personality on the stage, and Santino admires the look that she ended up with. He also liked Pandora, but Kathy says that she also could stand to show more personality and command the stage.
RuKlum-Seal then summons all the queens back to the stage for final judgment, with the safe queens lined up in the back and the top/bottom six up front. She tells Tyra that she’s obviously beautiful, but has all the personality of a pothole. Tyra is safe. Shangela has “an irrepressible energy” and little else; she’s up for elimination. She fans herself with her placemat and interviews that she thought she would end up in the bottom two, and prepares to “turn it out.”
RuKlum-Seal says that Morgan made a lasting impression with the panel, as any grinning walking dead body would. She is the winner of the challenge and has immunity in next week’s elimination. Morgan also wins the opportunity to be in a photo spread for Interior Illusions furnishings to be featured in LUXE Magazine. After all, nothing sells designer furniture like a leering calavera. She interviews that it feels great to win the first main challenge of the competition and feels that she’s set the bar pretty high.
Pandora is safe. RuKlum-Seal says that Mystique’s calculated split jump successfully saved her raggedy ass this week; she is safe, but Ru tells her to get her shit together. Shangela is stunned that the fatty escaped the bottom two. Mystique interviews that she will definitely work harder now that she’s felt the fear of barely making it, and says that she really does believe that she can win this competition.
By process of elimination, this means that Sahara Davenport is also in the bottom two, and RuKlum-Seal says that she is “a beautiful doll,” but also suffered from an abysmal lack of personality tonight. Sahara interviews that she is here to win, but never wanted to be in the position of going up against Shangela directly due to their friendship. Shangela also interviews that she never expected to have to fight Sahara for a place in the competition.
RuKlum-Seal then announces that Sahara and Shangela must now Lip Synch For Their Lives. The one who impresses her the most will escape elimination, while the other will be sent home. The lights immediately go down on everyone but the squealer sisters, and Ru wishes them luck and warns them not to fuck up. The queens then head for opposite ends of the stage and the LSFYL song of the day, “Cover Girl (Put The Bass In Your Walk)” begins to play. It’s so messed up that this song is now nostalgic from last year.
Sahara and Shangela begin with some classic posing and pointing accompanying their lip-synching, and Shangela interviews that she noticed that she was only attracting the attention of some of the judges, while the rest were focused on Sahara. Thus she decides to “turn it up” by dropping her skirt (or finally allowing it to fall off, given that it was hot-glued together) and vogueing and shaking her ass in the black booty shorts she’s wearing underneath. Sahara, unwilling to be outdone, removes her heels and does a flying split jump across half the stage. Kathy Griffin and Merle are blown the fuck away, and RuKlum-Seal erupts with laughter.
Tyra interviews that she was cheering for Sahara after she broke it down, and Sahara and Shangela begin busting out serious dance moves and cartwheels. Season 1’s LSFYL’s were nothing like this spectacle, and it is awesome. Sahara (who also loses her skirt at some point) starts doing ballet pirouettes, so I suppose she must have professional dance training. Shangela is also dancing her ass off, but her moves appear much more clubby. Sonique interviews that their LSFYL “looked like Mortal Kombat”, probably due to Sahara’s martial artsy contemporary dance moves. Also, half of Sahara’s hairpiece flies off during one particularly low dip and rebound, and winds up on the floor with Shangela’s half-crafted skirt.
By the end of the song, both queens have the entire judging panel hooting and hollering with cheers and applause, because their performance was seriously unprecedented in this competition and crazy as all get out. Nonetheless, RuKlum-Seal’s “Shante, You Stay” goes to Sahara Davenport. She squees with delight (as is obviously her wont) and jumps for joy, but immediately gets sad as she realizes that Shangela is going home. She interviews as much, saying that she definitely wanted to survive elimination, but not at the cost of taking out her friend.
RuKlum-Seal says that Shangela “has only just begun” and expects to hear great things from her in the future. Still, she is sent to Sashay Away. As she undresses and packs her stuff in the workroom, she says that she’s disappointed, but glad that the queen who beat her was “[her] sister Sahara.” Back on the stage, RuKlum-Seal calls this “a bittersweet victory” as Sahara holds back sobs, and leaves the surviving queens with her customary church testimony as the new theme, “Jealous Of My Boogie” plays us out.
Next…they’re such ladies, but they’s dressin’ like they hos!
No comments:
Post a Comment