In which Pink has no personality, Lady Gaga's fashion sense is tame, Kimora Lee Simmons is...also there...Beyoncé really has a droning bass voice that makes you want to kill yourself whenever you hear it and disguises herself as a drag queen in her spare time while also paying her secret identity's bills, a six-pack of tube socks can sell for over $10, and RuPaul goes out of her fucking mind on drugs because she may have been confused with Paula Abdul.
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Why Do I Watch This? Recap – RuPaul’s Drag Race 2-4 “The Snatch Game” or “Apparently `RuPaul’ Is Spanish For `Paula Abdul’”
5:47 AM. The queens get up at this ridiculously early hour and file into the workroom to see Mystique’s parting lipstick message on the mirrors. She leaves everyone with the urge to go “Balls to the walls” in the competition, and also the infinitely more cryptic and less coherent “Fishes [or] Bitches U [sic] Pick.” Kind of sounds like Mystique had some kind of seizure in the middle of writing her goodbye message. Morgan, ever the snotty little cunt (though still not nearly as much of a snotty cunt as Lazy Good-For-Nothing Tyra) jabs that “even [Mystique’s] lipstick is chunky,” and Sonique asks if it isn’t actually cake icing instead. Morgan zings that if it were really cake icing then she would have eaten it all instead of written with it, and Jujubee calls them both “cold.” Not for the first time, I note that a lot of drag queens, like a lot of gay men in general, are a lot like 14-year-old girls: catty bitches who could use a good slap from their mamas. Or if their actual mothers are fairly permissive, a good slap from someone else’s irate mama.
Raven then gets to wiping off Mystique’s message, and Sonique interviews that getting rid of it “seemed like a cleansing for the room.” Whatever; all you fugly skanks are confusing Mystique for Lazy Good-For-Nothing Tyra. Amongst themselves, Sahara says that he feels sorry that Mystique got booted off, but Sonique asserts that they all knew she was never an actual contender in this game. Tatianna interviews that Sonique has a near-permanent “stinkface” on and is constantly “talking mad shit about people.” Though if the editing is to be believed, it’s a wonder that Tatianna managed to single out Sonique’s trashy smacktalk over all the shit that Raven and Morgan have been throwing around for three episodes.
In the actual room, Sonique declares his belief in karma and implies that Mystique had his elimination coming, while Tatianna defends him and says that he wasn’t nearly as bad as they’re making him out to be. Morgan snots that he just pities Mystique more than anything else. I was about to insert something here about everyone pitying Morgan’s disgusting zombie face, only for Tatianna to talking head that “[Mystique] doesn’t need [Morgan’s] pity” and that he does indeed pity Morgan’s gruesome skullhead. High five, Miss Tati. Raven just says that he emphatically does not want to have to Lip Synch For His Life again, and interviews that spending two weeks in the bottom is seriously driving him up the walls.
The She Mail siren then goes off, and RuPaul appears to advise the Racers to work on their “sincerity” –or at least, to be able to fake it. She says that if they play the game right this week, they’ll leave “with more than just a trash compactor and a lifetime supply of turtle wax.” She also adds that they should always remember to spay and neuter their pets before signing off, and Jujubee says that the next challenge could be any number of things from that hodgepodge of clues.
Fortunately RuGunn then makes his grand entrance along with his Hunky Naked Minions to deliver this week’s mini-challenge: “The Queen Is Right.” This entails participating in a version of The Price Is Right in which the queens must guess at the correct prices of “some drag queen essentials,” with the winners of each of the three initial rounds duking it out in a “Showcase Throwdown.” He also adds that the prize for winning the mini-challenge will be the ability to phone home, as the queens are sequestered during RDR. All the queens seem to be excited by this prospect, and Jujubee interviews that he desperately wants to call his boyfriend “Chris”, who strangely looks like a less severe, less melty-facey version of Raven if the picture taped to Jujubee’s vanity is any indication.
The first round of “The Queen Is Right” is played between Raven, Jujubee, and Sahara (who once again lets out the absolutely girliest squeal as he “swishes on down” to the play area; Jesus, even for a drag queen he’s a ridiculous flamer) with the price of “a six-pack of tube socks” in question. Apparently these are used instead of “surgery” to fake cleavage in drag, as RuGunn tells it. I’m sorry, but that seems a little pedestrian for professional drag queens. You stuff your blouse with tube socks when you’re a 12-year-old girl who’s insecure about developing late; when you’re an adult female impersonator who makes money off of it, shouldn’t you be using some kind of sophisticated falsies or some shit? Slum on, fake ladies. Raven guesses (via index cards and a black marker, because RuPaul doesn’t really make enough for this show to have digital consoles or anything like a proper game show) $9.45, Jujubee bids $5.98, and Sahara guesses $6 even. What the hell, Raven? $9.45 for 6 tube socks? They were dollar store quality socks, honey; they didn’t come from the fucking Gap. RuGunn points out that Sahara totally sniped Jujubee’s price guess a la the real PIR, and Jujubee is visibly irked because he knows it. Heh.
According to RuGunn, the socks cost $10.99, which is bullshit because those are some fucking flea market socks, bitch! The only place anyone would pay 11 bucks for that crap is on the black market in some sockless third world country, and even there it would cost less to weave your own damn socks. In any case, Raven is the first winner and moves on to the Showcase Throwdown. He interviews that that win was a huge boost to his damaged confidence – which is just fucking sad, really – and says that the other queens should now fear him. Yeah, witness everything Kathy Najimy said in the last episode about Raven needing to take himself and everything else less seriously just whooshing right over his bald-ass head.
Next round features Pandopher, Jessica, and Morgan Skullfucker guessing at the cost of hemorrhoid cream, which RuGunn says is “a best-kept beauty secret used to decrease under-eye puffiness” after a rough night out. You learn something new and interesting every day. Pandopher opens with $2.98, Jessica (who interviews that he has no idea what hemorrhoid cream is or what it’s actually for) guesses $4.50, and Skullfucker shoots for $5.85. RuGunn announces that the cream costs $5.59 (being one of the larger-sized tubes, I suppose), making Jessica the winner. He talking heads that if he wins he will call his mother, who is allegedly also his best friend. Ah, he’s one of those guys. Yeah, having been birthed and raised by Bipolar Satan, I don’t understand this mindset at all and just have to take y’all’s word for it.
Final qualifying round is played by Lazy Good-For-Nothing Tyra, newly uberbitchy Sonique, and Tatianna over a roll of duct tape, which RuGunn explains is not just for the obvious use of tucking, but is also “an essential for any aspiring MacGyver of drag.” Once again, like Drag Survivor, Logo seriously needs to get rolling on MacGyver Of Drag – the ratings will go through the fucking roof. That Ross Geller-sounding motherfucker bids $2.98 on the tape, while SoNickelbitch tries for a nice round $4, and Tatianna guesses $3.75. The duct tape actually costs $6.98, making Sonique the last to move on to the Showcase Throwdown. Tatianna interviews that Sonique can suck it. Snerk.
In the aforementioned Throwdown, Raven, Jessica, and Sonique must guess the total price of a series of items “designed for a ladyboy night on the town” without going over. The collection includes a set of brass knuckles, a can of pepper spray, and “a brand new lace-front wig” made of actual human hair and supplied by the very pricey Wig Pro Collections. I’m sorry, but pepper spray is for frightened old ladies and brass knuckles are for 10-year-old white kids who dress like rappers and are trying to act hard. Maybe it’s just the ghetto I grew up in, but even if I were a drag queen, give me a big-ass knife and a taser any day of the week. RuGunn says that whoever bids closest to the total amount (without going over) will win all three items in addition to getting the phone call home. Sonique attempts to snipe with $225.01, Jessica takes a shot in the dark with $390, and Raven snipes Jessica with a bid of $395. The correct price for the Showcase is $1283.90, because those wigs are seriously fucking expensive. Raven wins the mini-challenge, and interviews that the opportunity to call his mother “is golden” to him.
RuGunn then introduces the main challenge, where in keeping with the game show theme the Racers will participate in “Snatch Game” – which is a drag-flavored take on exactly the same original game show that it sounds like – wherein the queens will appear in “[their] best celebrity impersonations.” He tells them that they will be judged on their “look, precision, and wit,” and that being able to make the judges laugh will earn them mucho critical points. Engines starting, RuGunn doing his best drunk Liza Minnelli, and fake women winning. Before they get underway, however, Raven phones home on what I assume is a production-issued phone and interviews that his “biggest inspiration for drag” is his mother. Hilariously, Mama Raven sounds as if she cannot be bothered to speak to her son for quite some time, forcing Raven to call out to her several times in order to get her full attention. Even Raven’s mother can’t stand him – that’s what I call “golden.” Nevertheless, Raven talking heads that his mother “is the most perfect person in the world” to him, and being able to talk to her really boosted his confidence, which is something “mom” can allegedly always do. Once again, my mother is Bipolar Satan. No entiendo.
Later the queens are flipping through fabrics for those that need to construct outfits for this challenge, and Morgan McSkullfucker asks who everyone plans to be. Lazy Good-For-Nothing Tyra intends to be Beyoncé and gives Morgan this absolute stinkface, because apparently that should be obvious. Bidouche. He asserts in an interview that Beyoncé “is sorta just like [her],” and says out loud that he practically came to the competition with that look in his repertoire. I’m not really a huge fan of Mrs. Jay-Z – Destiny’s Child is a bit of a hot button issue for us Houstonians – but I’m pretty sure that Beyoncé is not now nor has ever been an entitled dullard of an asswipe who trades on how allegedly perfect she thinks she is. Pull the other one, fucktard. Tatianna, who complains slightly about the lack of time given to them to put their impersonations together, talking heads that he has never really played any character other than Tatianna in his drag performances, and asks Jessica for pointers. But as it turns out, Jessica too usually performs simply as Jessica Wild and doesn’t usually “do” anyone else. Tatianna interviews again that “Tatianna” is his character, and says that he has no fucking clue what he’s going to do for the challenge. DUN!
Pearls, Pins, Lipstick, And Sewing. The queens are busily putting their celebrity impersonation looks together, and Morgan Skullfucker asks Sonique why he has (apparently) decided to do Lady Gaga instead of Madonna, which Sonique is a more obvious ringer for. Sonique reveals that he doesn’t actually have a Madonna impersonation up his sleeve or the equipment to put the look together. Morgan is surprised, as am I, because Sonique really does look like Madonna, and advises that he could easily borrow stuff from the other fake girls to try and pull it off. It would also be infinitely easier, I imagine, because you need to make dresses out of NASA gyroscopes and a deep fryer or some shit to be a convincing Lady Gaga. Anyone with cone bras, a cowboy hat, and a guitar can be Madonna.
Sonique then says that his first choice of impersonations is actually Pink, but Morgan has already called dibs on her. Morgan interviews that Pink is his best impersonation since he clearly looks like her, and does “a great illusion” of being her. Remember that last part; it’s going to be important later. Sonique says that he does like Pink a great deal, but backhandedly adds that he doesn’t need to do her in every performance. Morgan either fake-ignores the jab or sincerely didn’t hear it because he’s got one ear devoted to his iPod or something. Either way, Sonique sure is on the fake rag today; bitch needs some placebo Midol or something. He interviews that he actually based Sonique’s character off of Pink’s “rocker” image – even though he doesn’t look nearly as much like her as Morgan does – but says that he wants to do Lady Gaga for Snatch Game because he also really likes her and probably wants to be a little more current.
RuGunn then walks in to greet his “squirrelfriends” and ask if they “have a nut for another squirrelfriend.” I have no idea why, but that was just ewwy. La Supermodel’s first stop is the Skullfucker, who informs him that he’s going as Pink today. RuGunn asks how he characterizes Pink’s personality, and Morgan says that she “stands up for good things” and “uses her celebrity for…PETA…and things like that.” Really? That’s what you think of for Pink off the top of your head? That’s going to be boring as shit for Snatch Game; this is the time when you need to be flashing your fake tits or setting your wig on fire or any of the dozens of insane yet entertaining things Pink has done in her videos. Get ready to LSFYL, Skullfucker. RuGunn likewise points out that “PETA is going to be a tough joke to sell,” but Morgan remains confident that Pink is funny.
Next, RuGunn stops at Sonique’s station and learns about his intent to play Lady Gaga. RuGunn says that Gaga’s desire to have “a big cock” on a potential boyfriend really spoke to him, and Sonique says that channeling her will be easy for him because he can just “say what’s on [his] mind.” Once again, THAT’S the first thing you think of when you reference Lady Gaga? Not walking around with a clear pink piano made of bubbles or wearing a brassiere that shoots fireworks? Well now we know who the other person in the bottom two is going to be. Someone needs to tell Morgan and Sonique that they are confusing Pink and Lady Gaga with Betty White and fucking Ann Coulter. Actually now that I think about it, Sonique’s shiny new case of assholitis would probably have made an Ann Coulter impersonation a better choice for this endeavor.
RuGunn moves on to Tatianna, who says that he’s going to be Britney Spears. With the heavy mascara he’s currently got on, I can kind of see that happening. RuGunn asks him what Britney does, and Tatianna responds by aggressively chewing his gum. La Supermodel helpfully adds that Britney also has a habit of sharply jerking her head around, which she totally does and you can see in any number of her videos and/or performances, and Tatianna demonstrates his mastery of the maneuver with the help of overblown whooshing sound effects. Snerk. RuGunn is excited to see the first queen who might actually be in the top this week, and Tatianna promises to also throw in some hair whipping as well.
RuGunn then asks who left “[his]” hair out in the workroom, and Jessica says that the wildly teased, enormously long blonde wig belongs to him. He then reveals that he intends to impersonate RuPaul (circa “Supermodel (You Better Work)”) himself during the Snatch Game, to RuGunn’s visible delight. He playfully calls Jessica “Eve Harrington” and accuses him of trying to “steal [his] show,” leading Jessica to show off his (not bad, actually, if a little too far into the bass range) RuPaul cackle. RuGunn asks what other sort of “signature RuPaul things” Jessica plans to use, and Jessica says that Ru has a habit of opening his eyes really wide and affecting a Sunset Boulevard grimace-glare – something that also turns up quite a bit in the “Supermodel” video. RuGunn quips that that is usually “a sign that [he has] gas,” and notes the immense risk in impersonating someone who will actually be present to witness the impersonation. However, Jessica is banking on displaying his Nerve (the N in the CUNT rubric of RDR) by “[doing] RuPaul in front of RuPaul,” and assures RuGunn that he will have an absolute gas seeing “that Latina” trying to be him.
Pandopher is up next, and tells RuGunn that he’s going to go as Carol Channing. RuGunn squees with delight, echoing throughout the room even more than he usually does, and demonstrates his own uncanny CC vocal impression. He then asks if Pandopher intends to do “Hello Dolly Carol”, “Love Boat Carol,” or “Raspberries!” which I have since learned is slang for Thoroughly Modern Millie Carol Channing; thank you Intarwebz. Pandopher says that he’s going for “Raspberries!” because it’s more fun and because he can’t do the modern Carol Channing for lack of “big saucer glasses.” RuGunn remains visibly enthused.
RuGunn’s next stop is Raven, who can barely be bothered look away from his own reflection and makeup application process to address the host. Tool. At length, he tells RuGunn that he’s going to be Paris Hilton because of the sheer amount of fun one can have making fun of her. Well at least he’s not under the misconception that she’s a political pundit or a renowned humanitarian. RuGunn reminds Raven that he’s been in the bottom twice now, and Raven says that he’s “over it,” meaning that he plans to do everything in his power to avoid a third LSFYL. La Supermodel wishes him luck in “putting all [his] eggs in Paris Hilton’s big basket.” It’s odd hearing someone refer to a female as having a big basket, but it wasn’t that long ago that everyone saw the exact dimensions of the basket in question, so who can say?
After Raven, Lazy Good-For-Nothing Tyra tells RuGunn how he’s going to impersonate Beyoncé, a.k.a. Sasha Fierce – which incidentally is also a better drag name than Morgan “Skullhead” McMichaels and Nicole. Paige. Etc. Brooks. From. Atlanta. Georgia. Ad. Infinitum. RuGunn reminds Tyra that Santino’s last critique to him was that his awful voice totally fucks over his illusion, which makes it that much stranger that he’s chosen to do an impression of a female singer. Tyra agrees that “if it’s a beautiful person, it should be a beautiful voice that goes with it,” even though he doesn’t seem to have done anything in the way of altering his voice since receiving Santino’s critique. Probably because as noted, Tyra probably considers himself perfectly “beautiful” and doesn’t need to change anything. Bidouche. In his defense, RuGunn offers that Tyra’s voice “worked for Bea Arthur and Weezy Jefferson,” so maybe it really isn’t that big of a deal. After all, Bea Arthur and Isabel Sanford were immensely likeable and Lazy Entitled Self-Deluded Good-For-Nothing Tyra is…the opposite of that. So maybe his voice really isn’t his biggest area for improvement right now.
Next in line for review is Sahara, who is doing the Snatch Game as Whitney Houston. RuGunn asks if he plans to do “Being Bobby Brown Whitney” or “Clive Davis’ Whitney,” and much like Pandopher’s Carol Channing Sahara is focusing on BBB Whitney for the greater fun factor. After trading a few “BOBBY!”s between them, RuGunn tells Sahara how thrilled he is that “Whitney” is back and on this show, making him giggle.
Last but hopefully not least, Jujubee has a sit-down with RuGunn and informs him that his impersonation is Kimora Lee Simmons née Perkins Simmons Lee. Possibly because he just wants to be safe this week and is therefore banking on an easy comparison made in the first episode. And also possibly because an impersonation of George Takei, while equally easy for him to pull off, would not work out as a drag illusion. RuGunn asks what Kimora is like, as she’s probably the most obscure name thrown around today, and Jujubee says that being “a businesswoman…a supermodel…[and] a mommy,” she can best be described as “a chameleon.” I suppose that’s not nearly as bad as confusing Pink or Lady Gaga with Betty White and Ann *spit* Coulter, but still – this really doesn’t sound funny or entertaining. Jujubee’s lucky that there can’t be a three-way LSFYL.
RuGunn then asks where Jujubee gets his “humor” from, as it obviously isn’t coming from his characterization of KLS. The younger queen replies frankly that it comes from the death of his father, which visibly takes Ru aback. Jujubee elaborates that “you never know when somebody’s going to leave you,” and the untimely passing of his father has taught him to “treat every day like it’s your last day” and “you give the best that you can give.” Aw. He says that maintaining positivity and a sense of humor in the face of such awful things is very much a “Why not?” response in accordance with living for the moment and embracing the good parts of life while you can, etc. etc. After a cleansing moment (likely to avoid getting untimely misty), RuGunn sends him back to work and says that he can’t wait to see his Kimora impression.
Before leaving, RuGunn tells all the queens that the Snatch Game is “[their] opportunity to steal the spotlight,” and that they should be sure to “ham it up and make [the judges] laugh.” Naturally, he adds that whoever shows the best celebrity CUNT – which hopefully will not be Raven’s Paris Hilton, for several reasons – will win, and that no fucking up will be allowed.
Afterwards, Tatianna interviews that he actually has nothing prepared in the way of a Britney costume, and finds himself turning to the cadaverous Morgan (who along with Raven is one of his chief haters) for help. Equally surprisingly, Morgan says that Tatianna’s blonde wig is raggedy and not going to cut it, and allows him to borrow a better wig from his own stash. Tatianna asks if it is the wig Morgan uses for his own Britney impersonation, but Morgan airily replies in the negative, saying that he left his actual Britney wig at home. From this exchange, Tatianna interprets that Morgan may have “[thrown him] a bone” because he doesn’t think Tatianna is a serious competitive threat. Once he’s tried Morgan’s wig out with a jaunty hat, Jessica walks by and says that he really does look like Britney in it. Tatianna talking heads again that he thinks Morgan should be knocked down several pegs and that he might be the one to do it today, and with the leering undead corpse’s own wig.
“Snatch Game 2010.” In the great tradition of the 1970s edition of the show, RuGunn (acting as host and armed with a Bob Barker stick microphone) has added the current year to the title of the game and reveals the queens in their drag impersonations seated at a two-tier desk with 4 queens in front and five in the back. He then introduces the two celebrity guest contestants: “actress, model, and…red carpet favorite” Phoebe Price, an E-lister whom I’ve never heard of before today, has a fairly minimal imdb.com curriculum vitae, and doesn’t even have a Wikipedia article to her name, and Alec Mapa, host of Logo’s Transamerican Love Story and most recently of Ugly Betty. As the camera pans over “Carol Channing”, “Pink”, “Whitney”, et al on the panel, Alec Mapa interviews that “this is a master class at staying in character” and that a really adept queen can pull off an impersonation without necessarily looking like the celeb in question.
RuGunn then greets the fake celebrity panel, starting with Carol Channing/Pandora, who chews out that she had no fucking idea where she is right now. Pink/Morgan is just Morgan dressed up as Pink and not at all charismatic. Kimora/Jujubee seems to have her act down, declining to talk about dropping “Simmons” from her name because “it’s personal,” but also not very much wow factor involved there. Lady Gaga/Sonique is actually dressed pretty tamely for Lady Gaga – the sunglasses with one lens sequined over is one of the few hands-down accurate things about her look – and ominously monosyllabic.
Then there’s RuPaul/Jessica, who is possibly in blackface (which doesn’t help the utter lack of resemblance at all) and is so busy putting on lip gloss that she doesn’t respond to RuGunn at first. Again, she’s got the cackle down, but is otherwise playing distracted and clueless and sounds like Zsa Zsa Gabor. Jessica interviews that he intends “to have fun” with his character and that he hopes that the real Ru is equally entertained by him. On the set, RuJessica then gets up and starts randomly dancing and swishing her gown’s skirts about, leading SoniqGaga to talking head that RuPaul is actually “very professional” while in drag and doesn’t really do shit like randomly “walking and running and singing.” Truth be told, Jessica’s character is more like a celebrity spaz with serious alleged substance abuse problems, like Paula Abdul. Come to think of it, maybe that’s how Jessica ended up doing what she’s doing. He admittedly isn’t very pop culture savvy; perhaps this whole time he’s been under the impression that he’s been being judged by Paula Abdul and has no idea who RuPaul actually is.
Next up is Paris Hilton/Raven, whose melty nip/tucked face actually helps her pull off Paris’ habitual pointy facial expression, although Paris Hilton does smile fairly often and it is almost physically impossible for Raven to actually smile through her plastic surgery – and today is no different. She also has a stuffed Chihuahua with her, which gives her serious realness bonus points. RuGunn details how Paris has hawked a lot of merchandise with her celebutardation including clothing, perfume, and “shoes,” and PaRaven duhs (perhaps in character, perhaps for real, and perhaps even both, which would be awesome) that she wasn’t aware that she had shoes out. While Whitney/Sahara’s physical resemblance is practically nonexistent, she does a great job of talking rapidly due to lingering drugs in her system (I imagine) and reminding everyone that she is “the original diva,” punctuated by a barked “HA ha!” that is really on point.
Britney/Tatianna’s look is really strong, to the point of being almost identical if you don’t look closely, and her accent is fabulous, and it works out so well both in and out of character that MorPink so readily flips her off. RuGunn asks her what her favorite game is, to which Tatitney excitedly answers “Hide The Cucumber” because she always wins at it. RuGunn says that it’s one of his favorites as well before moving onto Beyoncé/Lazy Entitled Self-Deluded Good-For-Nothing Tyra, who interviews again that the real Beyoncé “is just like [her]” and that all she has to do is “smile [and] say nice things.” Shut up, LESDGFN Tyra; who are you trying to kid? Pandora Channing shoots her an uncharacteristic (but welcome) stinkface and interviews that Tyra is lucky that she has immunity because her impersonation was shit and that it was nothing more than Tyra dressed up as Beyoncé.
RuGunn then explains how the object of the game is for Alec Mapa and Phoebe Price to match their own answers to a series of questions to those given by the fake celebrities on the panel. First up, he asks PP to fill in the blank for “Fat Fanny the drag queen is so fat, instead of dollars, she prefers to be tipped with _____.” Phoebe, who I’ve learned is from Alabama, gives the quintessentially “southern” answer of “pork rinds.” Meanwhile, Pandora Channing responds with “Bingo!” and asks if she won before revealing her response of “turkey legs.” MorPink says that when she attended Tatitney’s concert, “which is sort of like a drag show,” she tipped her with “slices of lunch meat.” Tatitney, in turn, says that when she was fat, Kevin Federline tipped her in his “manbutter” and that it was really good. Hee, and ew. Sasha Fucktard says that while she never met Fat Fanny, she did meet Mystique down in Texas and guessed that like her, Fanny would enjoy being tipped with a “2-pc [chicken dinner] & a biscuit.” Okay, that was funny, but still – shut the fuck up, Sasha Fucktard. RuGunn snickers that Mystique may be gone, but she is “not forgotten.”
The next question to Alec Mapa is “Slutty Sally is so slutty, last time I took a ride on her disco stick, I got _____.” Predictably, he responds with “an STD.” Pandora Channing answers “scurvy” before going on a long spiel about being the national spokesperson for “Broadway Actresses Against Scurvy”, who deliver various citrus fruits and “Raspberries!” to people everywhere, leaving MorPink desperately trying not to crack next to her. Alec Mapa interviews that he thought Pandora Channing was incredible and that he loved how she was “just out of it the entire time.” KimoraBee responds with “Scabes! [sic]” along with a sad face and what I believe is a crude doodle of a bacterium or possible the scabies mite. RuGunn questions whether or not scabies is actually an STD, but KimoraBee firmly replies (again perhaps in character, perhaps not, which would be a little disturbing and still isn’t really all that funny) that it is and she has had it. (Incidentally, scabies can be transmitted through sexual contact but is a parasitic infection and not a disease. Therefore, it is not technically an STD.)
SoniqGaga’s answer to what she got riding Slutty Sally’s disco stick is “Money honey $ [sic],” which is actually even less funny than KimoraBee perhaps having had scabies in real life. Also, seriously? You’re impersonating Lady fucking Gaga and your response to a question containing the phrase “disco stick” has nothing to do with having fun, a sick beat, or playing a love game? You can Sashay Away right now, Sonique. I mean, the least she could do is not have an answer ready because she was stealing everyone’s markers and index cards and trying to fashion a dress out of them. Likewise, Alec Mapa talking heads that SoniqGaga was absolutely nothing like Lady Gaga at all.
RuGunn then turns to RuJessica Abdul, who appears to have nodded off. SoniqGaga helpfully wakes her up, at which point RuJessica bolts upright and declares that it is time to Lip Synch For Your Life. Yeah, she really must think that RuPaul is Paula Abdul and that Paula Abdul is Newt Gingrich or something. RuGunn cackles his head off – more than likely because Jessica’s RuPaul impersonation is so awful that it’s hysterical – and Alec Mapa interviews that impersonating someone “who’s standing 10 feet from you [however badly] takes gigantic balls.”
SaWhitney sings her response that she will always love “shoes…” leaving RuGunn snickering about her somehow managing to get shoes from someone’s disco stick. Tatitney then steals the show by responding that the last time she rode Slutty Sally’s disco stick, she got “lost,” eliciting raucous laughter from everyone except MorPink. Alec Mapa talking heads that Tatianna’s Britney was “eerily accurate” and “kinda spooky.”
Final (televised) question goes to Phoebe Price in the form of “Dumb Deedee is so dumb, last night she got arrested for driving without a _____.” PP, who appears to be suffering from an abject lack of personality like MorPink, SoniqGaga, and KimoraBee, replies that Dumb Deedee must having been “driving without a car.” However, Pandora Channing admits that she must have “misunderstood the question,” as her response card reads “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts.”
MorPink, true to form, gives the matching and equally dull response of “car”. Alec Mapa interviews that while Morgan looked like Pink, “the mannerisms weren’t there.” Seriously, more yelling, more flipping people off, more witty insults, and more setting shit on fire: THAT’S what Pink does. PaRaven also answers “car” but has Paris’ spazzy vocal cadence down perfectly and tells Phoebe Price that she’s “hot” (although last I checked, Paris Hilton is attempting to make “huge” the new “hot”). Nevertheless, AM chortles that PaRaven’s voice “wasn’t even close” to the real thing. If he was laughing really hard at that, he must have been rolling on the floor and gasping for breath in response to Sasha Fucktard.
Tatitney, staying very much in character, answers that Dumb Deedee must have been arrested for driving without “a baby in her lap.” Subsequently, before she gives her answer Sasha Fucktard pleads with SaWhitney and Tatitney to stop sniffing their markers for their own good. I grudgingly admit that that was worth a chuckle in its own right, but Tatitney then steals the show again by worriedly asking if she’s the only one sniffing the markers, and says that “it smells like home.” Oh bra-vo, Tatitney.
In the end, Alec Mapa wins the game with 5 match points to Phoebe Price’s 3, not that anyone was really counting. Morgan interviews that he’s going to be “surprised” to see who ends up in the bottom two this week and that he’s in for a sleepless night. And then only at the close of the segment does he bust out some Pink dance moves. Jesus, that’s like Mystique saving her thundering split jump for her exit. Assuming Jessica’s impersonation really was so bad that it was good, it’s totally going to be Sonique and Morgan LSFYLing this week.
The next day, the queens file into the workroom to get into drag, and Lazy Entitled Self-Deluded Good-For-Nothing Tyra asks the others who they think will end up in the bottom two, and Raven again blares that he’s good as long as it isn’t him for a third straight time. Jessica says that it can’t be that bad, and all the queens titter. LESDGFN Tyra then wishes everyone (patently fake) luck and wonders out loud if it’s possible to win two weeks in a row. Pandora interviews that Tyra is (duh!) delusional, because he’s not even close to being in contention this week.
Nevertheless, Tyra remains incredibly self-deluded and starts fishing for compliments about his Beyoncé impersonation. Tatianna admits that it was probably a poor choice to do Beyoncé because people don’t consider her to be very funny right off the tops of their heads. Of course as much as I hate defending Tyra, she did manage to take an inherently non-humorous role and make it funny at the expense of Mystique, Sahara’s Whitney, and Tatianna’s Britney, which is definitely more than anyone can say for Morgan’s or Sonique’s efforts this week. Tyra’s rejoinder, however, is that he doesn’t think Britney is an inherently funny choice either. Because apparently in the alternate universe Tyra lives in where he is the greatest drag queen in the world, Britney Spears is an immensely respected artist and a shining role model for girls and women everywhere. Tatianna attempts to realign Tyra’s brain with the Britney that lives in *this* reality, and Tyra offers that “there are a lot of things B [sic] does” that he finds funny. So he thinks Beyoncé inherently provides more opportunities for humor than Britney? Was he dropped on his head as a child, resulting in his sense of humor being wired backwards through his ass?
Anyway, Tatianna asserts (perhaps correctly) that the only thing Beyoncé ever did that was worth making fun of was falling down onstage, which appears to offend Tyra on a religious level because he is out of his fucking mind, calling it “crude” to laugh at such a tragedy. He interviews that that comment “was insulting to Beyoncé” because she may have been really embarrassed about it. Uh, yeah, because Beyoncé is so insecure, performing to millions of people every day the way she does, and totally doesn’t know how to handle tiny embarrassments like stumbling during a performance and desperately needs a bidouche of a drag queen to fight her battles for her. Shut up, Tyra. Tatianna tells him to get the fuck over himself and this weird Beyoncé complex he appears to have, but Tyra gets all “La la la, I’m not listening” and ends the conversation. Sahara agrees that Beyoncé’s pratfall was indeed funny, and Tatianna drops the science that Tyra does not know Beyoncé personally and is pulling this wounded dignity out of his poop chute. Jujubee likewise interviews that Tyra somehow “believes that she’s Beyoncé” and dares not offer her any irreverence “because somehow Beyoncé pays her bills.” Yeah, one of my high school friends’ mothers suffered from a similar affliction where she believed that she actually knew several celebrities - Beyoncé included – personally like that. She was out of her goddamned gourd too, so Tyra should probably be shot in the ass with a tranq dart and carted off to a padded cell for everyone’s safety.
Runway. RuKlum-Seal makes her grand entrance in a red, orange, yellow, and black striped sequin gown that has a very belted kente cloth feel, as well as a Marie Antoinette blonde wig and a red cellophane poinsettia in her hair. She then greets the judging panel, which for some reason includes Niecy Nash (of Reno 911!) and Lisa Rinna instead of Alec Mapa and Phoebe Price. I realize that Phoebe Price had to be replaced due to abject lack of personality and entertainment value, but why leave Alec Mapa out in the cold as well? Boo. Niecy Nash also sports a collection of lateral white flowers in her hair, and boxes RuKlum-Seal into giving her the cellophane poinsettia as well right out of the gate. See, if Phoebe Price had maybe asked to trade wigs with one or more of the queens during the Snatch Game, she might still be here. As for Lisa Rinna, I feel really guilty about saying this but she’s at a point now where at first glance she looks like she could be a drag queen herself. So that’s why she’s here.
Anyway, RuKlum-Seal explains that this week’s challenge was for the queens to do their best and funniest celebrity impersonations on Snatch Game, but adds that the object of their runway presentation is to “knock us out with their own personal style.” Engines, winning. Pandora is out first, in a silver sequined evening gown and blonde wig that makes her look like contemporary Melanie Griffith or any other blonde actress approaching their late 30s, only, you know. Classier. Alternatively, she looks like she could be one of the Real Housewives attention skankwhores, which is somewhat less classy. She interviews that she’s tried to adapt her look to all of the judges’ criticisms thus far, and RuKlum-Seal says that she looks like “a Hollywood starlet looking for the casting couch.” Or rather, an aging Hollywood starlet looking for the casting couch.
Lazy Entitled Self-Deluded Good-For-Nothing Tyra walks out dressed like Alexis Colby at a funeral in a retro-ish red dress and a black feathered church hat with widow’s weeds. Apparently her character has just gone from her dead husband’s funeral to a shopping spree using all the money he left her, as evidenced by her loads of shopping bags. “What recession?” Santino jabs when the judges see her. Tyra voiceovers that his concept was “a rich, couture woman, and she has endless amounts of money,” and RuKlum-Seal and Niecy Nash totally call her on looking like a gold-digging widow happily spending her inheritance. Ru then points out that Tyra’s shopping bags say “Santino” on them sending the entire panel into an uproar of laughter. RuKlum-Seal jokes that she had no idea Santino “had a boutique” – because he doesn’t, and Tyra is just blatantly kissing up even though Ru constantly reminds us that she makes the final decision as to who wins and who gets sent home.
Morgan Skullhead is out next, showing infinitely more personality than her Pink impression by dressing up as a sexy circus ringmaster, complete with jaunty and tiny top hat perched on her wig. She voiceovers that her style “is funky and fun,” and says that performing in drag is like being in the circus, and she “wants to be the director [sic].” Everything manages to go over well until the end, where she does an impromptu high kick at the back of the stage that just looks like she’s flashing her mussy or letting out a queef. Oh, Skullhead.
Jujubee then attempts to seize the tacky crown from Morgan by walking out in a blue striped fitted jumpsuit with a hot pink fur shawl and a pink-streaked blonde wig. RuKlum-Seal calls her “Lil’ Kim” and then “Lil’ Kimchee” when she removes her shawl at the end of the runway and does her lovely stereotypical Asian bow. Way to not play to typecasting, Jujubee. She voiceovers that she thinks of this looks as “superhero diva,” with the power to blow clouds of her beloved glitter with a kiss. Unfortunately she doesn’t look so much superheroic as she does skanky, and that she appears to have borrowed and used a bottle of Jessica’s blackface RuJessica Abdul self-tanner doesn’t help the image either.
Also attempting to dethrone Morgan as the tackiest queen in the competition is Sonique, who hits the runway in a carnival cat mask and a tiger-striped outfit whose skirt opens up just beneath the cooter area. It’s very Catwoman-meets-Catra from She-Ra. RuKlum-Seal hoots that Julie Newmar can “eat [her] heart out,” and Sonique voiceovers that she was going for “dominatrix feline sex kitten,” which is an extraordinarily redundant thing to say. I will say, though, that if Jujubee wants to look like a superhero diva, she should have apparently raided Sonique’s closet.
Tatianna then walks out, and RuKlum-Seal dubs her “Tatianna Porizkova.” She’s wearing a black leather corset and a ridiculously short purple miniskirt that barely covers her pubic area, with a straight brunette wig and a blue flower in her hair. The length – or lack thereof – does not go unnoticed, especially by Tatianna herself, who interviews that her skirt just kept riding up and up throughout her walk. Santino shakes his head and Lisa Rinna appears shocked, and Tatianna is forced to manually pull her skirt back down on her way back up the runway. RuKlum-Seal jokes that she would be “arrested for dealing crack” if her skirt was any shorter.
Jessica emerges in a corseted black jumpsuit number trimmed in ruffles and equipped with a cape, ruffled organza shoulders, and thigh-high leather stiletto boots. She voiceovers that she’s very happy with her horseback riding/vampire outfit, and RuKlum-Seal tells her to “party like it’s 1999”, which…Jessica’s outfit looks absolutely nothing like. Maybe in honor of Jessica’s impersonation, RuPaul has actually gotten stinking high for the runway presentation.
Raven wears an asymmetrical black and white floral print gown with one bell sleeve and a frilly orange underskirt that she can flash like a matador’s cape, accessorized with her short black wig from the first episode. She interviews that her personal philosophy is to always look her best and not “save [anything] for later, because you might not have later,” and to not blend in with anyone. Unless, I suppose, she’s being called upon to be a burlesque dancer or a chicken, in which case all bets are off. Merle quips about Raven’s ruffles having ridges, and RuKlum-Seal chimes in that you can’t have just one bite of Raven. Yeah, I think I’m Raven-intolerant – she tends to leave me with gas and stomach cramps – so I wouldn’t know.
Finally, Sahara emerges in a black leather and lace outfit somewhat similar to Jessica’s, only with balloon shoulders, a lace cape, and a short blonde wig. She voiceovers that she feels “powerful [and] strong,” and Lisa Rinna compares her to Grace Jones.
Afterwards, all the queens are lined up on the cross section of the runway holding silver briefcases, a la the late, unlamented Deal Or No Deal. RuKlum-Seal tells them that “[their] fate is in [their] hands,” as inside each of their cases is either “a heel, or no heel.” Gag. The queens who have heels in their cases are safe, while those with empty cases are either in the top or bottom. Lazy Entitled Self-Deluded Good-For-Nothing Tyra has immunity from last week, and is therefore a heel. I mean, she has a heel and is safe. Raven also gets a heel and thanks Jesus that she’s not in the bottom two again. Jessica (surprisingly) and Sahara also wind up with heels, and are safe without drama or incident.
The judging panel first turns to Jujubee, and Lisa Rinna says that her Kimora impersonation needed to be “bigger.” Niecy Nash adds that when you only have a short amount of time to do a character, you need to do “the biggest thing about them” that makes people instantly recognize who you’re supposed to be playing.
Merle tells Sonique that her Lady Gaga lacked “comedy,” and Sonique argues that she “didn’t want to embarrass [her] character,” because apparently she is Lady Gaga in the same way that LESDGFN Tyra is Beyoncé and Gaga pays her bills. She brings up that Lady Gaga is known for her fashion and therefore she tried to focus on her literal look, which once again was pretty damn tame for Lady Gaga. Seriously, why was she not stealing markers and index cards from the other queens and trying to incorporate them into her outfit during the Snatch Game? Lisa Rinna then asks Sonique to remove her cat mask, because she feels like she might be “hiding” behind it. Afterwards, Lisa tells her that she sees a lot of “fabulousness” inside her that she needs to be showing.
When it’s Pandora’s turn, Merle compliments her camp stylings and comedic talent, and Lisa Rinna agrees that she “nailed it” with her Carol Channing.
RuKlum-Seal then asks Tatianna how she thinks she did on Snatch Game, and she replies that she was pleased with her performance. Lisa Rinna reveals that the real Britney used to live around the corner from her family and so she knows her a little, and tells Tatianna that her impersonation was dead on. Merle says that she has “a million-dollar face and a five million dollar body” but is standing before them in “a $20 outfit,” and says that she needs to show “more charm and less hooker.”
As for Morgan, Santino says that her Pink impersonation wasn’t nearly obvious enough, saying that she needed to be “more butch,” and RuKlum-Seal adds that she lacked “effervescence.” Morgan admits that it “went over like a fart in a space suit,” and says that she knew she was taking a risk by doing Pink. You know. Even though Pink is allegedly her best impersonation. Well, after her impression of a mummified grinning corpse I suppose.
RuKlum-Seal then sends the queens away so that the judges can deliberate. Thereafter she slams Sonique’s Lady Gaga, saying that she could have even made some crazy shit up for her impersonation – perhaps, oddly enough, the way Jessica did with her cracked-out RuPaul. Merle reminds everyone how well Sonique did in the burlesque challenge, but agrees with RuKlum-Seal that the “fire” from that performance needed to be in her Lady Gaga.
Merle says that Tatianna needs to “go home, read about 20 Vogues, and then get back to us” because of her nasty outfit. However, Niecy Nash and Lisa Rinna concur that her Britney impression killed, and Lisa says that Tatitney was the best character on the Snatch Game panel.
Santino says that Pandora does indeed have excellent comedic timing but still hates her clothes, saying that it seems easier for her to play a character than “to be herself, as Pandora.” However Merle argues that Pandora is a drag queen and not a designer, model, or stylist, and is more than doing her job of being entertaining.
RuKlum-Seal reminds everyone that even Morgan thought her Pink impersonation sucked, and Lisa Rinna is confounded by her admission that she didn’t really want to “go for it” because of her “reverence” for Pink. She duhs that if you’re trying to win a competition, you have no business taking a “risk” that could get you eliminated unless you’re Lazy Entitled Self-Deluded Good-For-Nothing Tyra and have immunity to back up your bad decisions and lackluster talent.
As for Jujubee, Lisa Rinna says that her runway outfit was crap and tells Merle (or “Merrill”, as she addresses her) that she’s surprised she didn’t rip her a new one for it. Merle admits that she would have if it had been anyone else in that getup, and agrees with Lisa and Santino that there’s a charming part of Jujubee’s personality that lets her get away with things like this. Niecy Nash then points out that Jujubee went so far as to replicate the wrinkles on Kimora Lee Simmons’ neck in her impersonation, and says that “attention to detail” can save an impersonator whose actual impression may not be very good, and the others concur.
RuKlum-Seal then summons the queens back to the stage, where Pandora (who was excellent but “overshadowed”) is safe. Tatianna, while noticeably “cheap” on the runway, is declared the winner for her flawless Britney impersonation, and gains immunity next week and a $1000 “shopping spree” from billiondollarbabes.com. She is brought to tears, and Morgan is left seriously pissed off. Heh. She interviews that she felt “validated” by the win and that she knows now that she does belong in this competition. Sonique is in the bottom two for her failure as Lady Gaga. Morgan, who looked like Pink but didn’t bring much of anything else to her performance, joins her, leaving Jujubee safe. Morgan interviews that she knew she deserved to be in the bottom, and Raven is visibly nervous for her. Before Jujubee is dismissed, however, RuKlum-Seal tells her to stop lingering in the middle and step up her game, as her judge’s patience is running out.
Sonique and Morgan must now Lip Synch For Their Lives, to the awesome tune of Stacey Q’s “Two Of Hearts.” Right off the bat, Morgan pulls out some impressive high-energy choreography to go with her lip-synching, like she may have actually been rehearsing this performance for the past 20 years. Sonique’s dancing is more akin to a stripper’s moves, not the least reason for which is that she gradually peels off her outfit as she goes until she’s left in a two-piece tiger bikini. Lisa Rinna throws her hands in the air and waves them like she just don’t care. She then starts pirouetting and cartwheeling all over the stage, practically foregoing the lip-synch portion of the contest in favor of dancing. As Sonique continues to do backflips and splits, Morgan voiceovers that it’s supposed to be “a lip-synching competition, not a gymnastics competition.”
In the end, RuKlum-Seal says that Morgan’s lip-synch showed off incredible precision, while Sonique “pulled out all the stops and worked every inch of this stage.” However, Morgan and her insanely tight moves and performance earn her the Chanté, while the now breathless Sonique must Sashay Away. You see what comes from trying to out-bitch people like Morgan and Raven? Karma kicks your ass for being a duckweed! Sonique exit-interviews that the hardest thing about the competition was “trying to find the beauty in yourself,” and that she probably shouldn’t have been so “serious” – because around here, “serious” means “douchey,” the same way that RuPaul is Spanish for full-on cerebral palsy Paula Abdul. She admits that “there’s more to life than [trying to be] better than everyone” and that she feels humbled after this experience – you hear that, TYRA?
Afterwards, RuKlum-Seal reminds the remaining queens that things are only going to get tougher and then preaches us out. The Racers are left to dance to “Jealous Of My Boogie” during which several people switch headpieces and Jujubee…is gang-raped or something. And just when I thought I was over being freaked out and terrified of drag queens. Oy.
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