In which Lazy Entitled Self-Deluded Good-For-Nothing Tyra goes too far and gets her dumb ass exposed, no one really shares Sahara's particular fantasies about her gay wedding, even Pandora gets dangerously close to being on the verge, a useless twat with a stupidified name and a fondness for mixing period costumes invades the judging panel, and Team Resident Evil gets a nickname just in time to be torn apart.
Feedback!
Why Do I Watch This? Recap – RuPaul’s Drag Race 2-5 “Here Comes The Bride” or “It’s Hard To Pretend You Didn’t Know What You Were Doing When You Were Dancing The Mechanical Bull”
Sneakers At 7:28 AM. Morgan rises from the dead once again, along with the other non-zombie queens, to walk into the workroom, where Jujubee lets out a truly disturbingly high-pitched meow. Okay, that was officially more disturbing than all the girly squealing that Sahara has done for the past 4 episodes. Jessica then brings the mood down a little to pay respect to Sonique’s farewell lipstick message, and Morgan McSkullhead interviews that Sonique was one of the (only) new friends he made in this competition, and while he regrets having to Lip Synch For His Life against him, he would still slit his throat as soon as look at him because “this is a competition [and I’m an undead bitch].” Tatianna, meanwhile, is all too eager to erase Sonique’s message because he did not fucking like that stealth $2 t-bitch skankwhoreslut at all. Jessica jokingly tells him to get busy cleaning “[his] mirror,” and Miss Tati proceeds a bit slowly as he talking heads that he wants to savor the moment and bask in how he won the last challenge, while his surprise hater Sonique made an ass of himself and was poetically sent packing.
Afterwards, Sahara congratulates Tatianna on his win last episode, and Jessica interviews that a lot of the queens (that is to say, those not-so-stealth $2 t-bitch skankwhoresluts Raven and Morgan) “underestimate” the young queen, but his win proved that “you [just] don’t know anything here.” She Mail then arrives, and Plasma Screen!RuPaul drops a lot of hints about lifetime commitments and occasions on which you have cake. RuGunn subsequently walks in and announces that this week’s mini-challenge will be a “wrap party,” as the Hunky Naked Minions bring in stacks of large white gift boxes. RuGunn says that while the queens dazzle the judges with their drag looks on the runway each week, he wants them to apply their bedazzling skills to the boxes the HNM brought in and “queenify” them. The Racers are instructed to use gift wrap and trimmings from a provided supply cart, pieces from their own drag wardrobes, and at least one item borrowed from another contestant. They are given 30 minutes to work, and the one with “the prettiest box” will be the winner.
So the queens make a mad dash for the wrapping supply cart and get to cutting. Raven borrows a fake stuffed raven (the bird, not a voodoo doll of the drag queen, although the latter would be immensely useful and entertaining) that is apparently mounted on a hat from Jujubee. The young George Takei-looking queen, meanwhile, interviews that his intent was to create an entirely “golden box” but notes that Lazy Entitled Self-Deluded Good-For-Nothing Tyra was also using gold as the base color for his box, and was self-deluded enough to think that Jujubee was just copying him. Bidouche. Sure enough, Tyra interviews that the others are “copying [his] style because they want to be like [him].” Yeah, all the other queens want to hit people over the head with a completely delusional psychosis that will more than likely get your ass booted off this show and make other gays throw produce at you when they see you on the street. That’s totally it. Elsewhere, Pro-Ana Morgan mounts a fully dressed Ken doll on his box, while either Sahara or Jessica blows glitter onto their box.
When the 30 minutes are up, RuGunn returns for judgment. Tyra’s box is, as predicted, golden with white and pink ribbon highlights and is very weddingy. Also (shamelessly) attached is a tag that reads “To Ru, From America’s Sweetheart, [Lazy Entitled Self-Deluded Good-For-Nothing] Tyra” that delights RuGunn and makes every other queen in the room visibly sick. Sahara’s box, while also golden, is wrapped in a snakeskin print paper with a glittering high heel mounted on it because he is the fucking Towering Inferno of nelly fairies. In response, RuGunn is all, “You? Girly? You’re shitting me!” Morgan then presents his box, wrapped in white paper with colored balloon print and covered with bows, colored cotton balls, the Ken doll, a star decal, and what appears to be a set of brass knuckles with the word “BITCH” written on them. It basically looks like a Popple. He explains to RuGunn that it’s “loud and fuzzy and furry and colorful,” apparently just like him. Since he’s a zombie who’s rotted away enough to have grown a substantial coating of mold, this is unsurprising. Raven’s box is all black and tied with ribbon that looks like barbed wire, with Jujubee’s raven hat mounted on top. The melted plastic-faced $2 t-bitch skankwhoreslut declares that it’s “dark and sparkly, like RuPaul,” making RuGunn cackle with delight. Now he was sucking up to RuGunn just as much as Tyra, but that still wasn’t nearly as obnoxious as Tyra’s tag. Learn, you crazy stroppy cow.
Pandopher Box’s box is wrapped in pink leopard paper with a bright blue bow tied around a sparkly blue bandanna and a black feather that is undoubtedly from newly outed Goth Raven. He says that he wanted to play with the drag queen’s juxtaposition of “he/her” and “I don’t know what she is”, making it both a reality TV contest mini-challenge effort and a study in gender politics. Jessica’s box is red with pink and black flower-print heart decals, one big red bow, and lots of streamers, as well as a cutout photo of his mother “Gladys”. He says that his mother is on the box because she is “[his] gift and [his] heart at the same time.” Aw, even my stone heart was warmed by that. A little. Somewhat. Jujubee has the third gold box with the same base paper as Tyra, but with a big puffball of magenta organza on top and what appears to be a ceiling fan pull cord. He also reveals that he borrowed Jessica’s perfume and sprayed the box with it, leading RuGunn to quip that he has “the only scented box.” Finally, Tatianna’s box is bright blue with matching blue and pink ribbons and a big-ass diamond mounted on top. He says the colors are his “signature” shades, the rock is a loaner from Jujubee, and the box is actually designed to have “different dimensions” to reflect the different aspects of La Tati. Okay, I can kind of understand how some of the borrowed materials might have been used in a drag outfit, but why the fuck did Jujubee bring a stuffed bird and a fake diamond the size of your fist to this competition? What the hell kind of Cirque Du Soleil runway presentation were you gonna do with THAT?
In the end RuGunn winds up picking Raven’s box as the winner, after a surprisingly entertaining exchange in which Raven makes the stuffed bird caw and RuGunn pretends to hold a conversation with it in order to determine the mini-challenge winner. So Raven can animate a stuffed bird, but he pouts when he’s asked to be a fake chicken? That’s bird prejudice, you bigoted bitch. RuGunn then tells all the queens to open their boxes, saying that he asked them to use “something old, something new, [and] something borrowed” to decorate them. He then adds that the blue envelopes they will find inside their boxes will complete the wedding-themed sequence and reveal this week’s main challenge. Raven reads his card out loud, which invites him to “the wedding of David and Raven,” with the ceremony taking place on the RDR runway. RuGunn explains that the main challenge will be for the queens to have their own weddings in which they portray both the bride and the groom. He says that they will have to customize “dragged-out” wedding dresses for their drag personas and compose a “male drag” look using tuxedos and variations thereof. They will then pose in each look for a composite wedding photo, which will be used to judge them on the main stage.
The Hunky Naked Minions then bring over the rack of wedding dresses and the rack of menswear, and RuGunn says that Raven as winner of the mini-challenge gets to choose his dress first. He will also get to decide the order in which the other queens select their dresses, and Jujubee tells him to remember who gave him that stuffed raven that helped him win. Raven and RuGunn are both amused by this, and Jujubee interviews that he was sure that he would be picked first because of how he helped Raven in the mini-challenge. However, Raven picks his bestest $2 t-bitch skankwhoreslut friend Morgan McSkullfucker first, and interviews himself that everyone really should have seen that coming. Jujubee talking heads in turn that that “was a mistake on [Raven’s] part,” but really – they all absolutely should have seen that coming, and Jujubee more than likely should have told Raven’s ass no when he asked for the stuffed bird.
Anysnooch, Jujubee picks his dress third, followed by Sahara, Jessica, Tyra, Pandopher a.k.a. “Pandy Bear”, and Tatianna. Tatianna interviews that he was picked last because Raven is a venomous $2 t-bitch skankwhoreslut who has been one of his haters from the beginning. Also, he is allegedly “jealous of anyone with talent” – or at least, a face that is actually pretty without having to be heavily made up or altered by plastic surgery. Tyra, meanwhile, picks “the ugly [dress]” because he allegedly wants a challenge and having to live with his cracked-out misfiring and diseased brain isn’t challenge enough.
RuGunn then makes the queens vow to have CUNT until they die – which you have to admit is a fucking weird request to make of any gay man, much less a bunch of drag queens – and provides them with a “fixins bar” of what Tim Gunn likes to call “notions” before speaking of engines and the victories of fake women. Tyra immediately makes a mad dash for the supplies of fixins and notions, as he did during the RuDoll mini-challenge, and pushes the rack of wedding dresses in front of the queens who follow him. Jujubee confirms this bitch move in a talking head and calls him “damn shady.” Morgan then interviews that to top Tyra, Tatianna pushed the rack of wedding dresses on top of the other queens, but mostly on top of Tyra, who is still front and center while trying to loot all the notions. Skullhead then has the nerve to add that “cutthroat queens [are] not so cute,” as if he and Raven don’t walk around with straight razors aimed at jugulars themselves. Pull the other one, Skullhead.
Guys In Dresses. The queens are meticulously altering and fitting their wedding gowns and putting together their bouquets, as Raven interviews that the challenge is “basically to marry yourself, bringing the masculine and feminine qualities together”. Jujubee then commiserates with Tatianna about being chosen third and last instead of second and not last, respectively, and trading passive-aggressive commentary about how Raven screwed them and especially Jujubee, but “it’s all right.” Juju subsequently talking heads that every time Raven or Morgan get to choose something they immediately help each other out first, because lest we forget, these ugly fuckers are besties and think they’re better than everyone else. Young George Takei goes on to say how he’s surprised they “don’t have a name for them yet,” like “Rorgan,” “Maven,” or “Morvens.” Personally, I would call them “Team Resident Evil” as they would absolutely be bad guys in a survival horror game and are all about being dark, twisted, mofugly, and undead. That or “Team Bird Carcass.” In the end, Jujubee settles for simply calling them “douchebags,” punctuating by a lovely shot of the ever-classy Morgan belching like a thunderhead. Speaking of Team Bird Carcass, Raven continues to believe that everyone else just feels threatened by them, while Morgan reiterates that they are both cutthroat $2 t-bitch skankwhoresluts who will totally turn on each other eventually.
RuGunn then enters along with a 1920s newsboy, the latter of which is apparently “makeup artist extraordinaire Mathu [sic] Andersen.” Jesus I hate it when people pretentiously fuck up ordinary names like that. I kind of wish Morgan would be a useful zombie for once and eat his face off right now. Having worked with such luminaries as Beyoncé (totally getting Tyra’s attention), Janet Jackson, and RuPaul herself, Mathoo has come to give the queens makeup tips. Yeah, that’s totally going to chafe when it comes to Raven, who is allegedly the best makeup artist in the world along with being the best everything else in the world. Bidouche. Or perhaps “birdouche”. Anyway, RuGunn and Mathoo’s first stop is Tyra, who says that he really doesn’t have to do much because he is so naturally pretty. On the outside, of course. He does advise that Tyra should moisturize his cheeks because they’re not “dewy” enough in his drag photos, and Tyra declares that it’s because he has the only face in the room that “doesn’t get oily in drag.” Sahara is visibly all “Bidouche, please” in response, while Raven interviews that he does in fact have oily skin, which is why he still allegedly looks 22. You know. Except for all the plastic surgery that makes him look like fucked up 54-year-old Donatella Versace. Don’t hate on Raven’s skin, Tyra – she really will snatch your motherfucking eye out and eat it.
In Morgan’s case, Mathoo says that he just lacks “finesse” in drag because he’s already familiar with the “shapes” he’s going for. He warns him to watch his eyebrows, as they sometimes look like they’ve been drawn on with Magic Marker. Snerk. Morgan just interviews that he wants to prove that he never deserves to be in the bottom two again. RuGunn and Mathoo then move over to Pandopher, whom RuGunn says has drastically altered his wedding dress to the point of it being almost unrecognizable as its original incarnation. The newsboy then tells him that he’s “super cute” now, but could be really beautiful and should try modeling his makeup after Goldie Hawn because they totally have the same face. He advises Pandopher to go softer and bigger around his eyes to really bring them out because they’re one of his best features. Sounds like Pandopher might have a date after this, and while possessed of a ridiculous name, Mathoo isn’t exactly ugly. Dressed like Cyndi Lauper and in various period costumes, respectively, they might actually make a cute couple.
RuGunn moves over to Jessica, and Mathoo tells him in true Tim Gunn fashion that his face “worries [him].” He points out that Jessica highlights his chin too much and makes it look like he has visible stubble in some lights, and tells him to blend more so that he won’t look so goshdarned mannish. At Sahara’s station, RuGunn learns that he intends to do a ridiculous amount of alteration work on his dress. Mathoo then says that while boy Sahara looks quite young, Sahara Davenport proper looks “old,” and also advises him to work on his jawline and chin more. When they get to Tatianna, Mathoo tells him that his makeup “is all over the shop” and is only beautiful sometimes – notes that really tickle a lot of the other queens, even the ones who don’t overtly hate him. The newsboy says that Tati could stand to tone it down a little because he is also naturally pretty.
At Jujubee’s station, RuGunn admires all the rocks he’s lined his gown with, and Juju explains that the color of the organza he’s finishing the dress with is called “tawny sunset.” You hear that, Morgan? Also a better drag name than yours! Mathoo then says to him that he needs to go “more natural” with his makeup and that he should use Mariah Carey as a reference. He says that his looks shouldn’t be natural, but that he wants to believe that it is, which is pretty much the universal goal for all everyday makeup use. Raven, who appears to be creating a bubble skirt on his dress (thanks, Project Runway!) is told by Mathoo that he needs a bit more color in his makeup, as he needs warmer cheeks and a more contoured jawline. As predicted, Raven’s face is the picture of shock when Mathoo starts to give him advice, but he takes it relatively in stride. RuGunn then tells all the queens that they should get ready for judgment tomorrow, when Martha Wash (of the Weather Girls and secret vocalist for Black Box) will be joining the panel. Sahara interviews that he is a huge Martha Wash fan, and RuGunn reminds everyone not to fuck up.
Shiny Dress Shoes. The queens are getting into their tuxes, as Morgan interviews that it is time for the masculine half of their photo shoots. Morgan appears to be wearing a wig even for this part of the challenge, while Jujubee interviews that he’s insecure because he doesn’t have a lot of confidence in his masculinity because he can’t grow proper facial hair. Likewise, Raven talking heads that he was always more interested in watching his mother put on makeup rather than watching his dad shave. As for Tatianna, he once again references doing drag in junior high and says that he spent so much time impersonating a female “as an escape” so that he could be as effeminate as he wanted without getting “pointed out or made fun of” for it, as most people weren’t aware that he was really a boy. To be fair, even in a tux Miss Tati really looks like the boy you went to prom with who was so very obviously gay and came out in his freshman year of college to become a total tranny. Tyra, meanwhile, needs a reference photo of himself dressed as a New Jack Swing performer to do “makeup as a guy,” which is absolutely pathetic, and says that the other queens totally copied his idea of drawing on more facial hair. Shut up, Tyra. You probably think you invented drag, and that bloody RuPaul is copying your ass.
Chapel. The set for the composite wedding portraits is basically one white wall in a largely empty studio with a cross and some pillars with flowers. Morgan is first up and is basically dressed as Billy Joe Armstrong from Green Day, only with Pete Wentz’ shitty hair. He greets the photographer, who is billed as Joe Wilson from “Polite In Public” and puts him on the left hand side of a shower curtain rod in order to create half of the illusory photograph. Billy Joe Skullhead Wentz proceeds to strike various poses involving the throwing of corna hand signs. He interviews that his groom is supposed to be “a punk rocker” who rolled out of bed to get married. Unfortunately, he just ends up looking like a seriously butch lesbian.
Tyra looks like he’s dressed more for prom than his wedding, which may be because he’s 21 and anyone under the age of 25 looks like a fucking idiot getting married. Also, the last picture he posed for that was similar to this one probably *was* his prom picture. He interviews that he doesn’t have as much “confidence” when he has to “perform as a male” and feels more comfortable and prettier as a woman. Unfortunately that’s when he also gets more fucking obnoxious, so maybe he should hang the damn dress up and get the hell out before Raven carves out his eyes with a stiletto and eats them, while Morgan devours the rest of his corpse. Because that’s gonna happen if he keeps trying to out-bitch those nasty bitches.
Sahara has chosen to wear a military uniform for his photo, although it makes him look like a Union soldier from the American Civil War. He interviews that he spends so much time pretending to be a girl that he’s out of practice and “stressed” at being a boy. It largely shows in his poses, as he often looks like he’s doing a silent comedy film reel rather than his wedding portrait.
Jessica naturally looks like a Latin heartthrob as a guy, even with the painted-on facial hair, and it’s nice to see that severe look not work against his drag illusion for once. He talking heads that he’s smiling in his photo because he would totally go for the opportunity to actually be married to Jessica Wild. I can’t even count how many personality disorders that brings up.
Raven is also flattered by having to dress up as a man, if looking a little like an Iraq war veteran. Tatianna, like Tyra, just looks like he’s taking his prom photo because he’s so young. Then it’s Pandopher’s turn, and he has also gone for the Civil War Union soldier uniform complete with matching hat. The photographer asks what inspired his choice of outfit, and Pandopher explains that he’s created the character of “a police officer.” I never thought of also creating a character for this part of the challenge, which will probably really work in Pandopher’s favor at judging. He interviews that he feels more like “a drag king” than an actual guy and has to try very hard not to laugh in his photos.
Lastly, Jujubee is a third one who looks like he’s taking his prom photo and is the gay you took to prom who totally came out of the closet on fire. And it was pink fire.
Afterwards, the queens remove their “male makeup” and resume working on their dresses. Jujubee takes the opportunity to poll the room on their opinions of marriage, and Raven declares that he won’t get married because he’s “a bitter bitch.” And grass is green and the sky is blue, apparently. Morgan, however, says that he wants to marry his gay husband, at which point we cut to a picture of the couple in question. A point to Morgan, because his partner is really cute, which I suppose makes up for Morgan’s skeletal death rictus face. Mismaaaaaaatch~! He interviews that he genuinely would love to marry his partner one day, and that gay marriage “is our right to be equal.” He says that it’s not a luxury, but “a need” and a fundamental right. Word, Skullhead. Word. In the workroom, he says that the fact that gay people are not currently allowed to marry is “a kick in the ass” to him, eliciting understanding nods from most of the other queens.
And then there’s Tyra, who screws literally everything up by loudly, shrilly, and tone-deafly singing along with Beyoncé’s “Halo” on his iPod while he works. Morgan then asks, first without Tyra’s knowledge and then with him fully listening, whether or not Tyra’s singing could be considered attempted murder. If nothing else, it’s certainly animal cruelty, and I dearly wish that PETA would come by and throw red paint on him right now, and throw him down on the ground and start kicking him until he stops moving, or whatever other messed up things PETA does. Jujubee, meanwhile, adds over Tyra’s screeching that he also wants to get married. Tatianna asks if Sahara’s family would “be supportive” if he had a gay wedding, and Sahara brings up his mother’s ministry and difficulty in coming to terms with his homosexuality again. He does give her the benefit of the doubt and says that she would probably support him in the end, hypothetically, and interviews that she’s on her way to “accepting and loving” him as a gay man.
Sahara in turn asks if Tatianna’s family would come to his gay wedding, and he barely gets to reply in the negative before Tyra’s incessant yipping takes over the audio track again. He then starts lassoing a length of organza over his head, and Tatianna interviews (complete with WTF face) that Tyra is starting to work his last nerve. Tyra, for his part, declares that he was “in [his] own world” and not paying attention to any of the other queens – you know, other than his obvious efforts to sabotage their work on their wedding dresses with his “Halo” dance number, complete with ballet and stripper moves. Tatianna and Jujubee agree that Tyra is being obnoxious and probably trying to sabotage them all, and Juju voiceovers that the bidouche is “self-absorbed [and] rude.”
Finally dramatic strings climb to a fever pitch as Tatianna interviews (we don’t actually get to see this conversation/confrontation) that he asked Tyra to stop because he was getting on all their nerves. Tyra interviews in turn that he kept on “singing” because “[Tatianna] didn’t ask politely” and he’s five years old and a complete cuntbasket. Surprise, surprise. Tatianna, take it from someone who grew up in the ghetto: this is the point where you tear the earrings out of the bitch’s ears, snatch off her weave, and beat her over the head with the sewing machine until she’s not a problem anymore.
The following day, the queens file into the workroom and Tyra notably goes off by himself while everyone else (even Team Resident Evil) clusters together. Tatianna interviews that Tyra “is a complete and utter bitch” (duh), that everyone is sick of him (yup), that his “diva attitude” doesn’t correlate with his career or talent level (pretty much), and that he can just generally suck it. Tati, Pandopher, and Jujubee have formed a mini-alliance of their own at the vanities and commiserate about how much Tyra needs to get the fuck out, with Tatianna muttering that “people’s attitudes” are getting to be too much and Jujubee agreeing that “the next drag superstar [shouldn’t be] a little bitch.” Tyra, for his part, interviews that he resents being talked about as if he isn’t there, and that people need to say shit to his face. Which I’m sure would happen if everyone else didn’t already know how little Tyra actually listens to anyone or has consideration for anyone else. Out loud in the workroom, though, Jujubee finishes by simply blurting “Whatever, pig.” I don’t know why that’s funny, but it is.
Pandopher then interviews that the queens will be taking the bride halves of their wedding photos today, and in the workroom Jessica says that he feels uncomfortable because he isn’t using his normal style of makeup. Since his normal style of makeup doesn’t do much to conceal that he’s a man in a dress, I would think that would be a good thing. Meanwhile at Team Bird Carcass, Raven and Morgan predict that Sahara will be in the bottom two, because as Morgan interviews Sahara turned her original wedding dress into a ballet costume for “a Swan Lake look.” He says that Sahara will be spending most of her runway time en pointe, which he says is “a tough call” – though to his credit, he adds that he hopes it works out for her. In the workroom, Sahara says that she plans to walk the runway “like a fairy princess.” How is that any different from Sahara on any other day of the week?
Meanwhile, Tyra is having a super difficult time getting into her dress and accessories, and Jujubee interviews that the other queens know that she needs help and are pointedly ignoring her. It’s not the most mature way to handle the situation, certainly, but it’s still kind of awesome. Specifically, Tyra is hot gluing some last minute odds and ends on her gown and swearing like a sailor the whole time. Jujubee just goes on to say that Tyra hasn’t been helping her or anyone else, so forget sticking their necks out for her. Tyra proceeds to burn herself several times with the hot glue gun, and Juju just quietly calls her a “stupid bitch” and says that she can keep burning herself. On top of paying Tyra back for her atrocious attitude, Jujubee interviews that it’s just fucking stupid to be hot gluing appliqués to your skin in the first place.
So after all the fake nails, eyelashes, nail polish, padded falsies, etc. are in place, we head to the runway, where RuKlum-Seal makes her grand entrance in a rather matronly pink gown with long lavender bows and a blonde updo wig. She greets the panel, noting that Merle also looks dressed for a spring wedding and that Mathoo is now dressed like a 1920s gangster pirate. It wasn’t enough to be dressed in a period costume and have a stupidified name – now he has to *mix* his period costumes. Christ, what an ass. Martha Wash seems just tickled to be here, which is always a plus. RuKlum-Seal explains the bridal and groom…ish?...aspects of the main challenge to the judges, and then calls for engines and winning.
First out is Sahara in her wedding tutu, and she really does tiptoe down the runway. She voiceovers that she’s dreamed of having a Swan Lake wedding ever since she was a little ladyboy, and the panel throws out really mixed comments about her gown; it’s hard to tell whether they actually like it or are being sarcastic. Once again, I blame that assdouche Mathoo.
Next comes Morgan, whose skirt is simultaneously barely cooch-high and also a donut made of fabric. RuKlum-Seal says that she looks like the Guns N’ Roses video for “November Rain” and very “Pam Anderson”. If she means Pam Anderson in the role of Judy Jetson, I would agree. Morgan interviews that she tried to start off very traditionally bridal and then throw in “some sass, like a supermodel”, which apparently means picking her teeth. Merle and RuKlum-Seal concur that her donut skirt is an homage to the “Lacroix poof”, and Ru snarks that it provides “cushion for the pushin’.” Ew, as if looking at Morgan didn’t make me want to bathe enough as it is.
Tyra then hits the runway with a ginormous, allergy-inducing bouquet. She then ditches it to reveal a shortened, frilly gown that makes her look like ‘80s Madonna, with a white floral appliqué glued onto the stocking of her right leg. RuKlum-Seal says that she looks like “Daddy’s little girl, and he’s paying for everything.” Yeah, Tyra *would* be that sort of stupid spoiled little $2 t-bitch skankwhoreslut trust fund brat, wouldn’t she?
Raven scampers down the runway to excitedly show her ring off to the judges. She looks like Paris Hilton’s brunette older sister in her bubble-skirted gown decorated with many tiny blue bows, giving it a very Alice In Wonderland feel. She voiceovers that she felt “very cute” in her dress and “like a cupcake,” and I suppose she does deserve some credit for being able to act bubbly and adorable on the runway while being such a dour bitch the rest of the time.
Jessica’s gown is very reminiscent of her “Gone With The Window” curtain outfit, with giant floral ruffles on one shoulder and forming the skirt. Mathoo is pleased that she took some of his advice with her makeup, and Merle and RuKlum-Seal agree that she looks so much better here. Truthfully she really does look more like an actual woman this time, if a woman who is getting married at age 40. Jessica voiceovers that the deviation from her normal makeup seems to have worked, and RuKlum-Seal tells the other judges that “their” daughter has grown up and is getting married. Since Jessica has strong mommy issues, I’m not really sure how wise it is to be putting yourself in that role.
Tatianna’s dress immediately distracts the judges with a large “keyhole” cut in the front that looks like an arrow pointed straight at her cooter. She voiceovers that she liked and hated the dress at the same time, but is proud of what she was able to accomplish with it. Once again she looks very much like a young Raquel Welch, and Mathoo says that “her implants took.” How classy, you raging douchebag.
Pandora is a very hippie bride in a gown that is all crimps and ripples of organza. Santino says that she looks “romantic,” which is probably the nicest thing he’s ever said about any of her outfits, and Pandora herself voiceovers that she wanted to look “demure.” Sure enough, Merle says that she has “very innocent eyes,” and RuKlum-Seal notes that Pandora also took Mathoo’s makeup advice. The pirate gangster douchebag says that she looks like “a gorgeous endive salad – crisp and delicious.” Well at least he didn’t compliment her fucking implants.
Jujubee’s is very pageanty in her dress, which has something of a swinging bustle around her hips. She voiceovers that she purposefully walked the runway very slowly so that she could show off the “elegance” of her gown. Merle marvels at her construction and draping, while RuKlum-Seal admires her crystal necklace and the strings of pearls draped down her back.
With the runways over, RuKlum-Seal proceeds to critique the wedding photos. In Jujubee’s photo, she notes that the bride doesn’t seem all that into the groom, which is probably because they look like brother and sister getting married. I think this whole “play the bride and the groom” deal just hit a big-ass snag. Merle says that even though there’s a man in the picture, it still seems to be all about lady Jujubee, and Mathoo adds something stupid and useless and inane that I will not deign to repeat here.
Jessica’s photo also looks like two opposite-sex siblings getting married, which now that I think about it is one of the biggest reasons to advocate homosexuality that I can think of. Upon closer inspection, it looks like boy Jessica (who is in his early 20s) is marrying his 40-ish mother, which is even more ewwy than the thought of two opposite-sex siblings marrying and doing the dirty-dirty. Nevertheless, Martha Wash thinks the couple is really cute, but hates the shoulder flower ruffle on Jessica’s wedding dress. Merle agrees that all the “big, layers, and ruffles” are obscuring Jessica herself, and says that they just need to see more Jessica and less everything else.
Pandora’s photo, thankfully, looks much less like two blood relatives tying the knot. Hilariously, the groom looks terrified out of his mind at the prospect of marriage, and Pandora explains that he had the option of either going to jail or getting married…which doesn’t generally happen to police officers, so I’m thinking her backstory got a little muddled somewhere. Martha Wash doesn’t seem to care for it, unfortunately, and says that given the same choice she might choose to do time. Santino is still surprisingly entertained by Pandora’s efforts, though, and Merle adores her organza gown.
Tyra’s photo is also humorous like Pandora’s, but more unintentionally so; it looks like boy Tyra is trying to go to the prom but somehow got roped into marrying Lazy Entitled Self-Deluded Good-For-Nothing Tyra along the way, and boy Tyra looks every bit as petrified at that prospect as he should be. RuKlum-Seal says that it looks like R. Kelly is marrying Donna Summer, which immediately makes me wonder how much Donna Summer enjoys being urinated on. Martha Wash adores Tyra because she’s so pretty. Ru then asks why her bouquet is so big, and Tyra explains that it was made from the funeral flowers for her last husband, whom she probably killed with her obnoxious personality disorder. Tatianna is visibly sick as Santino also heaps praise on Tyra, and even the normally serene Pandora gives her the stink-eye as Merle goes nuts over the appliqués hot glued to her leg and wrists. Jujubee just looks like she wants to vomit all over Tyra.
Tatianna’s photo is very sweet and composed, but like Jessica’s and Tyra’s combined it appears that boy Tati is posing for a prom photo and somehow wound up marrying Raquel Welch instead. Santino tells her that she’s lucky to have immunity, as he hates her dress. Merle concurs, and stupid Mathoo is also consulted for his equally negative (if inconsequential) opinion.
Sahara’s portrait involves almost equal ballet posing from both the bride and the groom, though boy Sahara is just butch enough to make his positioning look natural, if a little dramatic. She explains about her lifelong dream of a “fairy tale, Swan Lake wedding”, and Martha Wash says that she loved her runway but isn’t so hot on the dress. Santino agrees, saying that it doesn’t look good when Sahara isn’t en pointe because of her huge manly feet in her toe shoes, and because her wedding tutu isn’t very well-made.
In Raven’s picture, boy Raven seems perfectly normal (if somewhat clueless), while girl Raven is whooping it up like she’s just won the lottery. The judging panel thinks that boy Raven looks much older than girl Raven, and Raven explains that the groom is supposed to be “36” and the bride is “going on 16”, which doesn’t exactly sit well with Martha Wash. While she and RuKlum-Seal call her “jailbait”, Santino says that he loves the turquoise bow accents on her dress and says that it looks the most expensive out of all the queens’. This earns the evil eye from Tyra, who prides herself on looking the most expensive even if she does act like a common $2 t-bitch skankwhoreslut. Merle adds that the dress is very “fluffy” and girly, but Raven still seems like she has an edge to her. Ever the classy one, Raven replies that her edge is under her skirt. Morgan must be fucking contagious after repeated exposure.
Speaking of the cadaver, her photo of a lesbian rocker and Pamela Judy Anderson Jetson doesn’t go over very well with either Martha Wash or Mathoo. Santino calls her bridal look “costume” and says that he doesn’t care for the shape of it. RuKlum-Seal then comments that white pumps are totally something that hookers wear, but to her Morgan is at her best when looking like a hooker.
At length, RuKlum-Seal then tells the queens that she needs “their” help in judging them tonight, and asks if there’s anything the judges aren’t seeing while they’re on the runway that they should know about. Tyra immediately goes all deer-in-the-headlights, as Jujubee and Pandora frankly turn to Tatianna, who announces that Tyra “is a complete bitch.” Mathoo is shocked (not that anyone cares) as she goes on to detail Tyra’s superiority complex and delusions about being “America’s sweetheart.” Pandora then chimes in that the face of Tyra that the judges see is completely different than what the other queens have to deal with, and she and Tatianna both explain about Tyra’s squalling attempt at sabotage to the tune of her secret identity, Beyoncé.
In her own defense, Tyra asserts that Tatianna was threatening her to “shut the fuck up or I’ll make you shut up,” and says that Tatianna is always talking about other people behind their backs instead of saying it to their faces. Tatianna just laughs because she knows that Tyra is just trying to bullshit her way out, and advises Tyra that she plays a piss-poor victim given her attempts at sabotage and her inability to show consideration unless people “ask her nicely.” Tyra protests that she wasn’t doing anything to make anyone “upset or unfocused,” (to which Tatianna spits “Bullshit!”) but says that she might consider it in the future so that Tatianna can turn out another awful dress, which makes Morgan titter with delight.
RuKlum-Seal asks Tyra if she thinks this is just an isolated incident about her alleged musical sabotage or a symptom of some deeper underlying issue, and Tyra says that the other queens are “testing” her, which is pissing her off. She then asks Morgan if she thinks that she’s a bitch, and Morgan answers that she just thinks Tyra “has a goal,” because Morgan too is a rude, classless bitch. Tyra poses the same question to Raven, who also doesn’t think Tyra’s so bad because she herself is a thundering bitch. However when Tyra asks Sahara, Sahara honestly replies that Tyra is “selfish” and often. Jujubee adds that Tyra “needs manners,” leading Tyra to spit that she’s only saying that because Tyra has never complimented her. Jujubee gives her an incredulous look and says that she doesn’t need to hear a damn thing from Tyra, and reiterates that she needs to learn some manners “so you won’t look so damn stupid.”
RuKlum-Seal diplomatically proclaims that they will now “move beyond” this issue, but notes that it is a challenge for everyone to overcome and that it will be taken into account. She expresses her wishes for the Racers to be “queens” in every sense when it comes to matters such as these, and then dismisses them so that the judges can deliberate. Santino comes out in favor of Jujubee, saying that he’s definitely a fan, but Merle remarks that her dress “drowned her out” this week. RuKlum-Seal is unsure of whether or not Jujubee has “turned up the fire” enough, as she told her to do last week. Ru and Martha Wash are at odds over Jessica’s dress, which Santino calls “very Quinceañera” and “pretty bad.”
Martha Wash also says that Pandora “dissolved” into her dress, but Merle loves that she created “a whole new persona” for her bride. Mathoo calls her “blah”, because he would have probably dressed her in a flapper costume with Roman gladiator armor over it. Shut the fuck up, Mathoo. On the subject of Tyra “Boom-Boom” Sanchez, RuKlum-Seal calls her a “showgirl” and the one your eyes immediately go to. Martha Wash agrees that she was the prettiest one, but Santino notes that everyone seems to hate her, and even dumbass Mathoo says that he doesn’t detect a whole lot of “warmth” from her. Merle says that Tyra’s attitude “sucks” and goes so far as to say that she would kick her out of the competition right now if she could.
RuKlum-Seals says that Tatianna would probably be in the bottom two if she didn’t have immunity, and the rest of the panel concurs. That would have been a fucking shame, especially with Tyra’s evil having been brought to light. On the subject of Sahara, none of the judges cared for her wedding tutu, and RuKlum-Seal declares that it didn’t have “enough tulle.” She says that in drag you must exaggerate, and Merle quips that Sahara came up “a little dry.” The whole panel agrees that Raven was their second standout of the night, and Mathoo gushes over her “Elle Bride blue shoes.” Finally, RuKlum-Seal admits that she didn’t care for Morgan’s dress, and Mathoo admits that the donut skirt was a tough sell. Merle notes that Morgan “doesn’t really do serious fashion,” but Mathoo offers that her makeup did improve while still retaining her signature look. Well of course she did – it’s hard to bounce back from being an emaciated walking dead body.
RuKlum-Seal then summons the queens back for final judgment, and says that while she knows that things are tense behind the scenes, she “will not tolerate problems” amongst them. She tells them that they are all in this together and that they need to act like it. Based on the merits of the challenge alone, Jujubee and Jessica are safe. Tyra is declared the winner and bursts into tears of relief, as she interviews that she thought for sure that Ru would put her in the bottom two for her antics. That being said, RuKlum-Seal does not look or sound at all pleased to award Tyra this time, and warns her not to lower the standards of the competition. The bidouche wins immunity next week – SHIT! – as well as a 5-night vacation at the Hyatt Palm Springs.
Tatianna is told that without her immunity she would have been in trouble, but is declared safe. Sahara is in the bottom two. Pandora and Raven are safe, and Raven is livid in her interview that she did not win the challenge, and everyone knows that it should have been her at the fucking Hyatt. Honestly I’m inclined to agree, but perhaps RuKlum-Seal really likes ‘80s Madonna. By process of elimination Morgan is in the bottom two with Sahara, and laughs, confusing RuKlum-Seal. Morgan says that it’s just a nervous habit of hers and doesn’t mean anything.
So Morgan and Sahara must now Lip Synch For Their Lives, to a song of Martha Wash’s that I had never heard of before tonight (but is awesome nonetheless) called “Carry On.” RuKlum-Seal explains that this song got her through her late mother’s ill-fated bout with cancer and is accordingly near and dear to her, and its message of hope and perseverance is “[her] anthem.” So they best not fuck this up. Sahara goes for a hyper-literal dance extravaganza featuring pop-locking bendiness during the lyrics “never let your spirit bend,” at least two split jumps with one launching clear off the stage, dancing on her knees, and a lot of being en pointe. Morgan, meanwhile…does not perform nearly as well as she did for Stacy Q’s “Two Of Hearts,” and pretty much just makes grand gestures and spins around a lot.
In the end, Sahara gets to Shanté and Morgan is sent to Sashay Away, which is totally the opposite prediction I made from the preview for next week. Ordinarily I’d be excited that that walking dead creature finally got Bruce Campbelled, but knowing that Lazy Entitled Self-Deluded Good-For-Nothing Tyra has immunity and can’t be eliminated next week is a really downer. Raven is completely shocked and dismayed, and interviews that she couldn’t even look up as Morgan left. Morgan, to her immense credit, manages to smile through it all and calls her mother to let her know she’s coming home the instant she gets off the runway. She alleges that she’s not bitter, angry, or disappointed (as she goes fake apeshit on a dress form) and asserts that she never really cared what anyone thought of her before, and isn’t about to worry about what a vicious macabre $2 t-bitch skankwhoreslut she was now. She says that she loves herself and that’s all that matters – though I suppose the cute boyfriend doesn’t exactly hurt.
Next…drag-clad queens singing. And fucked-up-voiced Tyra has immunity. DAMN!!
No comments:
Post a Comment