RuPaul's Drag Race 2-8 "Golden Gals"

In which BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!





Why Do I Watch This? Recap – RuPaul’s Drag Race 2-8 “Golden Gals” or “How RuPaul Lost The Goodwill Of America”




ZZZZZ. The queens awaken in their hotel rooms, provide us with many more inappropriate drag queen package shots, and file into the workroom, with Raven being carried on Jujubee’s back. Jujubee responds in the voice of Alex Borstein’s Ms. Swan that he’s too heavy for this shit. He’s also far too ugly to pull off trying to be cute like this, but that’s neither here nor there. Lazy Good-For-Nothing Tyra interviews that Jessica Wild’s departure hit everyone pretty hard, because she was the only one that douchey Raven, psycho Tyra, clueless Tatianna, inconsistent Jujubee, and awesome Pandora all got along with. Jujubee reads her parting lipstick message in his best Jessica Wild voice (and given that his range of voices runs from an eerily high-pitched kitty cat to Fat Albert and everything in between, why the hell hasn’t Jujubee shown off his ability to do impressions more?), and then interviews that having had to knock Jessica out sucks, but he at least still has Tatianna to pal around with. I also thought the Halogate alliance between Juju, Tati, and Pandora had held up, but perhaps I’m wrong. That, or even Pandora’s supposed friends are giving him grief now.



Anyway, Jujubee also adds that “most people here” don’t agree with the decision to keep Tatianna in the competition over Jessica. Naturally, we then cut over to Raven loudly proclaiming that he thought Jessica would be in the final 3, and Tyra (being the other assy bitch) concurs. Raven interviews that “people” are upset over Tatianna’s continued presence – and by people, he means the choir of twatty voices that he hears in his head, because we all know that this is Raven’s shit now more than anyone else’s. Conversely, Tatianna talking heads that Raven “loves to hear her own voice,” which is really only partially true. What Raven loves is to know that he is right and the best and the surefire winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race, to the point where he conveniently forgets that anyone has ever done anything of merit. He proceeds to interrogate Tatianna about why he questioned receiving RuKlum-Seal’s Shanté last week, and Tatianna admits that he was expecting to be sent home. Raven then asks if he’s admitting that he shouldn’t be here, to which Tati clarifies that he was only surprised at the verdict. Continuing to prod for the answer he really wants, Raven says that he questioned Ru’s decision, leading Tatianna to reiterate that he was just shocked. The tool then interviews that Tatianna has “a lack of confidence” that means that he shouldn’t win.



In the workroom, Raven at least somewhat civilly advises Tatianna that “questioning [himself]” is going to make the judges think twice about his desire to win the competition. Tatianna replies that he’s tired of having to defend his confidence and his desire to be in the competition, and basically tells Raven to go shit somewhere else. I want to say that I understand where Tatianna is coming from – while he is competitive in his own way and wants to be here, he’s not as openly adversarial about it as Raven is, which is such a huge part of what makes Raven an intolerable dick. Nonetheless, that avoidance of confrontation can easily be interpreted as weakness by wannabe-alpha bitches (which Raven and indeed many drag queens are), which doesn’t do much for Tatianna’s image. It also doesn’t help that Raven has clearly made up his mind about everything where Tatianna is concerned, and is desperate to force Tatianna to echo his views out loud. But I’m sure you all got that from “intolerable dick.”



Tyra then asks for feedback on the judges, leading Pandopher to exhibit a rare moment of unabashed bitterness. He interviews that he feels like the judges have been harder on him than they have on the other queens, and is having issues with the arbitrary critiques that he’s not funny enough on day X, and not glamorous enough on day Y. Out loud, he tells the other queens that Santino is a particular thorn in his side because like Raven with Tatianna, Santino constantly hates on him and appears impossible for Pandopher to placate.



She Mail then arrives, and Max Headroom!RuPaul drops a lot of clues about youth, aging, and the future. Jujubee posits that they might have to wear fat suits, which apparently horrifies Tyra. Pandopher thinks it might have something to do with babies or old people, and Jujubee takes a second stab at it, suggesting that they might have to undergo surgery to “get [their] ovaries removed.” Normally I’m rather a fan of Jujubee’s, but right now I really just want to take him aside and slowly and carefully explain all the things that are wrong with that statement.



RuGunn then makes his grand entrance in a train engineer’s cap, and all I can think is that he looks like Ringo Starr when he was on Shining Time Station. He proceeds to explain the mini-challenge, which will be “all about [their] beautiful baby faces” in that they will be matching photos of all of the Season 2 Racers with their baby pictures. The queen who makes the most correct matches in the least amount of time will be the winner. First up is Raven, who is confronted by a large red board featuring baby and child photos of all the queens, each of which is paired with an empty box with a question mark inside. While all the other queens are sequestered behind screens, Raven takes drag queen headshots from piles around the board and fills up the ? squares. Of particular note is the baby picture of Mystique, which appears to just be the head of the adult boy Mystique Photoshopped onto a baby’s body, which makes Raven giggle. Next up is Tatianna, who interviews that he wants to win because of what a bad time he had in the bottom two last week. After him comes Tyra, then Jujubee, and finally Pandopher, who absolutely cracks up at Mystique’s baby picture.



Afterwards, RuConductor reveals the correct matchups. The gender-indistinguishable child with big curly red hair is Nicole. Paige. Brooks. From. Atlanta. Georgia (a chant which all the remaining queens still know by heart). The little brown-haired boy with a bowl-ish cut is Morgan McZombieskank. The skinny black teenager is Sahara Davenport, which is weird because her childhood photo is considerably more butch than she is now. Another little boy-girl sporting a towel-turban turns out to be Raven, proving that his face was not always set in a bitchface. A little boy with a baseball and a tiny afro is Shangela. The blond boy next to Shangela is Sonique, and RuConductor takes a moment to point out the My Little Buddy he’s holding out of frame (which Tyra mistakes for Chucky). An unidentifiably ethnic baby striking a pose in a shortie onesie is Tatianna. The chubby baby who looks like Alfred Hitchcock is Pandora. Another rotund toddler (who is as flabby below the neck as baby Pandora was above) who is naked in the bathtub turns out to be Jessica Wild. The little Asian kid in a parka is of course Jujubee, before the intense bronzer treatments. The little black boy with a giant long head, a basketball, and an Arsenio Hall lopsided flattop is Tyra. Finally, RuConductor points out the Photoshopped image of Mystique and explains that they had to use it because all of her baby pictures were destroyed in a fire. Well that put a huge damper on an otherwise fun mini-challenge.



At length, RuConductor reveals that Tyra got 12 correct matches in 57 seconds. Jujubee got 10 right in 1 minute 33 seconds. Pandopher got all 12 right in 1 minute 24 seconds. Raven got all 12 right in 1 minute 6 seconds. And Tatianna got 12 right in 51 seconds, making him the winner and leaving Raven visibly and predictably pissed. RuConductor then moves on to the main challenge, and brings in five older men, a couple of whom are clearly gay, and the rest questionably so. They introduce themselves as “Michael,” a prissy writer, “Edward” a “displaced mortgage accountant” who looks like he might be a secret freak, “Don” a former teacher and the stoutest man in the room, “Dustin” an ex-ballroom dance instructor with one squinty eye who looks like a riddled old pirate, and “Steven” a real estate brokerage owner who likes wearing Spandex cycling clothes when he’s nowhere near a bicycle. RuConductor says that today’s gays are lucky to live in such an “open” and “honest” time (the increasing prevalence of right wing extremist homophobic nutsacks notwithstanding), and they have Michael/Edward/Don/Dustin/Steven’s generation to thank for it. In return, the queens will be asked this week to turn them into their “drag mothers”, and RuConductor adds that the judges will be on the lookout to see the elder queens’ resemblance to their drag daughters.



As the winner of the mini-challenge, Tatianna gets to select his future drag mother first and then pair each of the other queens up with a codger of their own. He eventually selects Prissy Michael for himself, and Raven interviews that he knew Tatianna would totally pick “the pretty one.” Shut up, Raven. The squawking harpy also talking heads that he knows that Tatianna is going to stick him with either One-Eyed Dustin or Inappropriate Spandex Steven. Bet he’s regretting being such an out-and-out bitch to him now. Tatianna proceeds to pair up Fat Edward with Jujubee (at Juju’s request, on the grounds that Juju is “[his] girl”; once again, no love for Pandopher?), Secret Freak Don with Pandopher, One-Eyed Dustin with Tyra, and Inappropriate Spandex Steven with Raven. Tati interviews that he did consciously leave Raven for last, while Raven bitches about getting the oldster with a full George Carlin beard and swears bloody vengeance, promising to turn her out. It would be like a day without orange juice, wouldn’t it, you miserable drag ostrich? RuConductor leaves them with the warning to make sure that CUNT “runs in the family”, and also engines and winning.



Tyra starts sketching out designs with his one-eyed pirate drag mother, while Jujubee attempts to teach his old bag how to walk. Meanwhile, Inappropriate Spandex Steven tells Raven how he used to do a very primitive sort of genderfuck drag involving wearing dresses and combat boots. That’s not really so much drag as it is a rock concert outfit, but whatever. Raven interviews that he sees “a fierce diva” in Steven, and passive-aggressively thanks Tatianna for pairing them up. Oh for fuck’s sakes – you know, if I didn’t know better, I’d swear that Raven is fucking pulling Tatianna’s pigtails because he’s five years old and he actually like-likes him. Just ask the bitch out already, Raven, and shut the fuck up!



Elsewhere, Prissy Michael is telling Tatianna that spike heels are not orthopedically sound options for him, and Tatianna interviews that his geriatric challenge partner has a debilitating limp that will interfere with any sort of runway walk. Prissy clearly has issues just trying to stand up and walk around the workroom in heels, and Tati talking heads that he’s probably going to get second-guessed yet again for this. Sure enough, Jujubee whispers to Raven that Tatianna’s geezer can’t walk in heels, which predictably delights the vitriolic twat. Tatianna once again says that Raven can just suck it, as Prissy Michael continues to be Lady Complainer.



Fat Waistlines, Cankles, And Bearded Ladies. The queens are testing out heels and wigs on their future drag motherfathers and fitting them for their outfits. While Jujubee tries first a brown beehive and then Martha Stewart hair on Fat Edward and reminds us all of the parameters of the challenge, Inappropriate Spandex Steven unzips his inappropriate Spandex shirt to show Raven his tattooed old man chicken skin. Ick. Even worse, he also shows off how one flap of old man chicken skin has a safety pin through it with a dozen cheap plastic charms from Claire’s in the mall. He tells Raven that he brought the charms in specially for the challenge, in the hopes that Raven might want to feature them and/or put him in a low-cut dress. Clearly Inappropriate Spandex Steven dropped waaaaaay too much acid in the ‘60s and has overdone it on the medicinal marijuana today if he thinks his nasty, tattooed, leathery, saggy ass should be anywhere near a low-cut dress. To his immense credit, Raven politely thanks Steven for the offer before informing him that he will be going in a completely different direction. He declares in his interview that his drag motherfather is going to be “Sexy, conservative, fierce, confident, and beautiful” – you know, everything that Inappropriate Spandex Steven is naturally not.



Fortunately (again, perhaps due to an overdose on prescription doobies) Steven is a very good sport, and proceeds to tell Raven about his experiences in “Early gay liberation” and being both in and out for large portions of his lifetime. Raven interviews that he thinks the point of the challenge is to give props to their elders and the older gays who have fought for what few rights we’ve been able to get, while also making someone who is normally mofugly into a fierce drag queen. He then proceeds to shower Steven with respect by vehemently proclaiming that no drag motherfather of his is going to have facial hair.



Elsewhere, Secret Freak Don is getting a little less secretive about his freak, as he tells Pandopher that he’s not a “Chihuahua” but rather a “master.” He then adds that a master/slave concept for their runway presentation would also be okay with him, as long as he gets to be the master. Pandopher laughs politely in the workroom, but interviews that he’s getting a little creeped out about Don. In the workroom, Don doesn’t really help matters as he tells Pandopher that he’s “had dreams about this,” and Pandopher talking heads that he thinks Don might be hitting on him. Run, bitch! Run. Away!



At Jujubee’s station, Fat Edward doesn’t care for the beehive wig, saying that it makes him look older than he wants to. I’m sure Fat Edward would love to look like Tatianna if he could, but Jujubee only has Nyx Cosmetics at his disposal, not superpowers. Fat Edward then asks if a sequined do-rag wouldn’t make his flabby face look thinner, but Jujubee shakes his head and advises that bigger hair would really be the thing to accomplish that. Edward has his doubts after trying on Jujubee’s wigs, but the young George Takei-looking queen says to just trust him. He then interviews that he’s been doing this shit for far too long and knows that a flat wig isn’t going to do a thing to disguise a fat face. Fat Edward continues to insist on the do-rag, though, forcing Jujubee to discipline him into silence.



Prissy Michael is dramatically telling Tatianna that he knows that he can be “a challenge,” leading Tati to astutely interview that the old girl is “very theatrical.” This is the polite way of saying that he’s a delusional diva and an enormous ham. To whit, he informs Tatianna that he’s had a series of injuries and operations that have made his body look “beat up,” and it is now Tati’s job to make him look as fabulous as he thinks he is. Tatianna talking heads that it’s difficult to transform someone “older” into a fierce drag queen because their face has deflated, their bodies have gone to crap, and their skin has turned into wrinkled, saggy layers of leather and burlap. Additionally, Prissy Michael reveals that he won’t even need to shave his armpits because all of his armpit hair fell out on its own years ago. And we thought Morgan was the most corpselike queen we’d ever see.



RuConductor then walks in and checks in with Jujubee and Fat Edward first. Fat Edward’s drag name is purportedly “Contessa Touché,” which is weird because it has nothing to do with Jujubee’s name. Shouldn’t he be “Raisinette” or something? RuConductor asks what they have planned for “Contessa’s” outfit, and Jujubee replies that his drag motherfather just wants to look very elegant and not too old or too fat. Well, two out of three isn’t bad; remember, Nyx Cosmetics ≠superpowers. Jujubee interviews that the biggest challenge with his motherfather right now is building up his confidence level. That, and making him realize that he is in fact old and fat.



Raven tells RuConductor that Inappropriate Spandex Steven is going to become “Golda Lamé”, to which I have the same complaint as I did with Jujubee’s drag motherfather. Shouldn’t he be “Elephant Bird” or something remotely related to Raven? RuConductor emphasizes that Raven is the one who is going to be judged in this challenge rather than the drag motherfathers, and Raven proceeds to go on and on once again about how much he’s going to make Tatianna eat it. RuConductor just tells him to fucking bring it if he’s going to talk so much smack all the time. After interviewing that Steven would probably be a bra-burning women’s libber if he were an actual woman, Raven tells Ru that he is considering just bodily dipping him in Nair. Understandable, but Nair wouldn’t take out that gross belly piercing.



At Tyra’s station, the lazy good-for-nothing Beyoncé-wannabe tells RuConductor that he’s very nervous because he doesn’t do other people’s makeup, and doesn’t even like doing his own. So he habitually doesn’t even do his own makeup? How much fucking lazier and unqualified can this crazy bitch get? Say what you will about how green Tatianna is, but Tyra is getting up into [five months in drag and can’t do makeup or hair] territory here. One-Eyed Dustin looks accordingly worried.



Moving on, RuConductor asks Tatianna why he selected Prissy Michael to be his drag motherfather, and Tatianna reveals that as Raven predicted, it was because he was the prettiest one. RuConductor notes that Tatianna was responsible for assigning drag motherfathers to the other queens and asks what his strategy was, only to have Tatianna tell him that he didn’t have one. Ru mentions Raven’s theory that Inappropriate Spandex Steven was paired with him because he had the most unsightly hair, and says that if Tatianna had done that on purpose it would have been “really fierce.” Tatianna protests that Steven’s beard could easily be shaved, but interviews that he was indeed thinking strategically when he stuck Raven with that bearded prehistoric chicken – he’s just refraining from “announcing it to the room.” For you see, Tatianna, like Kathy Griffin, was raised right; he goes after people behind their backs, like polite people do.



Finally RuConductor checks in with Pandopher and Not So Secretly Freaky Don, a.k.a. Mrs. “Litter Boxx”. It’s kind of unfortunate that his given drag name couldn’t have been something a little more creative, but at least Pandopher is paying attention to the naming schema. Mrs. Boxx then adds that “the umbilical cord is still attached” and kind of bumps Pandopher from behind with his groin, eliciting startled laughter from the funny Dollhouse queen and prompting RuConductor to note that that’s probably “illegal in 40 of the 50 states.” I like to think that that was Ru’s way of telling Not So Secretly Freaky Don to back up off Pandopher a little, lest La Supermodel lose his considerable patience and throw his nasty ass in jail. RuConductor then asks Mrs. Boxx to demonstrate his walk, leading Don to wonder whether or not he should undress. Pandopher is scandalized (possibly for real), while RuConductor advises that Don should simply imagine that he is naked as he walks. To be fair, his walk is amateurish and unwieldy but promising, and La Supermodel leaves the pair to their work with nary a Hunky Naked Minion in sight to protect Pandopher.



RuConductor then informs all of the queens and drag motherfathers that tomorrow’s judging panel will consist of Nyx Cosmetics founder and CEO Toni Ko, Cloris Leachman (who is supplying the motherfathers with outfits from her own clothing line), and Debbie Reynolds. Raven is totally starstruck, and Jujubee interviews that Fat Edward is as well, saying that he will advise him to channel all of that excitement into their performance on the main stage. Then RuConductor adds that in addition to the normal runway presentation, the queens and their motherfathers must also perform a lip-synch duet to his song “Main Event”. Pandopher is internally panicking, for so many reasons, as RuConductor leaves them to try and not fuck up.



Dance. One-Eyed Dustin is doing a turn in heels, presumably to the tune of “Main Event” on his iPod, as Tyra tells Raven that his drag motherfather is teaching him a dance routine. Meanwhile, Prissy Michael is flexing in a leopard-print dress, weirdly, as Tatianna tells him that he needs to go home and shave everything tonight. Prissy Michael is surprised to find that he does in fact have armpit hair, and deduces along with Tatianna that it must have grown back at some point. Oy. Elsewhere, Pandopher is fitting Not So Secretly Freaky Don with a bra, while Fat Edward lies on Tyra's napping couch and practices actually singing along with “Main Event” on a CD player, presumably to get more of a first person handle on the lip synch. Jujubee whispers to Raven that he is making Fat Edward listen to the song “at least 10 times.”



In the meantime, Prissy Michael tells Tatianna that he’s started dividing up sections of the song between them to ensure that they have a balanced lip-synch duet, leading Tatianna to interview that while he appreciates how involved his motherfather is getting in this whole process, it’s still going to be Tatianna’s ass on the line at judgment time. Therefore he wants to make sure that his own “vision” comes through in their performance as well. Of course, he quickly countermands this by telling Prissy Michael that he has “no plan” when he performs by himself, leaving his motherfather (understandably and justifiably) confused. In the end, Prissy Michael suggests going along with his plan for now simply because he has one and is actually trying to coordinate, as Tatianna runs around looking for the lyrics sheet he’s lost. Across the room, Jujubee is pointing and laughing at Tatianna with Fat Edward, and interviews that Prissy Michael “looks really pissed off” with how scatterbrained Tatianna is being. Of course, Prissy Michael is also an overdramatic diva ham, so that might just be Prissy Michael de rigueur.



Stage. Jujubee is now running through his runway presentation with Fat Edward and is teaching him how to walk. Unfortunately, Fat Edward is very awkward and admits that he doesn’t feel sexy at all. Jujubee tsks that he needs to have confidence, because without it “[they’re] Tatianna.” Ouch.



Next it’s Tatianna and Prissy Michael’s turn onstage, and Prissy Michael is trying to lip-synch (perhaps for his life) but looks more like he’s trying to wave the stench of a big fart away from him. Optimistically Tatianna interviews that they seem to have “similar ideas” about how to perform the song, and that Prissy Michael’s experience working at a disco helps. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to help Prissy Michael’s dancing, which still makes him look like he’s overdone it on a box of wine. Tatianna adds that he wants to make up for his poor performance last week with this challenge and make the judges realize why they kept him in the competition. In the end, he tells Prissy Michael that he’s happy that he dances like a retarded swan.



Back in the workroom, Pandopher and Not So Secretly Freaky Don are combing through Pandopher’s wardrobe for something Santino might not despise from the get-go. He interviews that he’s not feeling very confident in this respect, and starts laying out printed floral swatches to perhaps throw something new together. NSSF Don asks if crafted outfits are part of the challenge, and Pandopher says that it’s an option but not required. He says that he wants their look to be “fun and a little over the top,” and notes in his talking head that he does need to transfer “the essence of Pandora” onto Don’s character. Therefore since Pandora is about bad fashion, so must her motherfather be. To whit, Don ends up trying on an enormous red sequined poncho that makes him look like theatre curtains.



On the stage, One-Eyed Dustin is indeed teaching Tyra a dance routine, and to Tyra’s (surprising and enormous) credit, he is attempting to physically work through it rather than [stand back and do nothing while claiming that it’s how he learns and his feet hurt in heels.] He interviews that One-Eyed Dustin wants them to cha-cha in their presentation, and he’s going along with it because he cannily wants the judges to see “a part of [his] drag mother” in him as well as the reverse. However, Dustin notes in the instruction process that he’s changed the choreography without meaning to, and Tyra talking heads that it keeps happening and threatens to eat into their rehearsal time and futz with Dustin’s learning how to dance in heels.



When it’s Raven’s turn onstage, he quizzes Inappropriate Spandex Steven about whether or not he’s ever worn pantyhose and if he can do “a running back handspring.” The answer to both questions turns out to be no, which is sad because I had really high hopes there for a second with the running back handspring. Sonique's LSFYL may not have been the best thing on the main stage that night, but it was still impressive to watch. Raven interviews that Steven has bad eyes and had issues keeping track of him on the stage, which will only get worse during the actual presentation with all of RuPaul’s motherfucking blurry spooky ghost angel lights everywhere. He then tries to teach Steven to walk the runway in heels, only for the elder aspiring queen to hit the catwalk like a chicken, complete with craning neck and pigeon toes. Raven politely calls his walk “dainty” and talking heads that his motherfather requires a lot of directions for every move he makes on the runway, and that he just hopes that he doesn’t end up falling or breaking something.



Pandopher and Not So Secretly Freaky Don also plan to dance through their runway presentation, and Pandopher interviews that neither one of them has the lip-synch for “Main Event” down. Due to time constraints he is choosing to focus on their choreography, and attempts to work with Don’s natural gifts by suggesting he “do something dirty” during their posing pauses. Don responds by lifting up the skirt he’s rehearsing in and flashing the imaginary judging panel. Classy.



Back in the workroom again, Raven is attempting to curtail Inappropriate Spandex Steven’s excess body hair, and decides to shave him then and there. Steven jokes that Raven is setting up a beauty salon right on the set, as the strangely civil drag cassowary gets busy with the electric clippers. After having most of his face, head, and arms shaved, Steven winds up looking a lot like Miguel Ferrer. Later, he tells Not So Secretly Freaky Don (who goes right up and starts fondling his newly shaven parts) that he’s really trying to get his lip-synch down. He then winds up mingling with One-Eyed Dustin and Prissy Michael, and Prissy Michael excuses himself to go lie down because he’s feeling “exhausted.” Elsewhere, Jujubee grumbles that “none of these bitches better die overnight,” and discusses with a giggling Raven how mortifying it would be to come into the workroom the next morning and find out that their drag motherfather kicked the bucket during the night. The sad thing is that it’s a very real possibility for Raven and Tatianna.



Feathers, Sequins, And Eyelashes. The queens and their drag motherfathers walk into the workroom the next day, and all the old people are alive and accounted for. Everyone proceeds to get into makeup and wardrobe, and when Raven asks Inappropriate Spandex Steven if he’s excited about today, Steven replies that he’ll be more excited when he knows that Raven will Shanté on to the next round. Aw, Raven so didn’t deserve that, but it was still touching. To whit, Raven interviews that it’s strange bonding with someone twice as old as he is, but he says that he actually is starting to feel quite close to Steven, which he loves because he never actually had a drag mother – only hookers.



Over at Pandopher’s vanity, the resident queen of comedy is advising Not So Secretly Freaky Don that he might want to take off his T-shirt to avoid getting makeup on it. Don subsequently takes it off to reveal the American flag-patterned bikini he is wearing underneath. Say what you will about how frail Inappropriate Spandex Steven and Prissy Michael are, but I think Pandopher got the really broken drag motherfather out of the lot. He interviews that he tried desperately to concentrate on doing Don’s makeup (while also ignoring the nasty man’s “blowing” innuendo after he puffs away excess powder) and not make eye contact with the monstrosity.



At Tatianna’s station, Prissy Michael is (perhaps justifiably) stunned to learn that Tatianna doesn’t know who Oscar Wilde is. Jujubee is equally scandalized, as Fat Edward decrees that Tatianna “is no homosexual.” To be fair, Wilde isn’t really covered in the American public school educational curriculum. Nonetheless, it probably wouldn’t hurt Tatianna to surf through Wikipedia once in a while, if for no other reason than to deprive Raven of easy ammunition. Prissy Michael airily tells them that they are here “to educate the young,” and proceeds to do so, telling Tatianna that there is “a pantheon” of gay icons that he needs to know about – or at least, so the gay cognoscenti would have you believe. Personally, I’m sure in 5000 years of human history Tatianna is not the first gay man to go 21 years without knowing who Oscar Wilde was. Nonetheless, Fat Edward checks to see if Tatianna at least knows who Harvey Milk was, especially given the recent film, and Tatianna replies in the affirmative. However, Jujubee winds up getting in a little tiff with both Prissy Michael and Fat Edward because the conversation is making it difficult to do Edward’s makeup.



Afterwards, Tatianna interviews that his biggest concern is the time necessary to get both himself and “Annalisha” (so Prissy Michael is drag-named) ready for the runway. Meanwhile, Tyra is just now realizing that One-Eyed Dustin has the saggy body of an old man. In this context, I’m pretty sure that trumps Tatianna not knowing who Oscar Wilde was. In any event, Tyra winds up corseting Dustin with duct tape to give him “the hips that she needed and that she deserved,” as Dustin cracks that he’s afraid Tyra might entomb him afterwards.



Runway. RuKlum-Seal hits the catwalk with a horizontal blonde wig and a feathery purple gown that looks like it was made from the pelt of a particularly large Muppet. Once again, I don’t see how it’s okay for her to wear that and have Santino ragging on Pandora’s style. La Supermodel greets the judging panel, and Cloris Leachman appears to be on the verge of laughing hysterically at this whole predicament, Debbie Reynolds is infinitely more poised and prepared for a room full of drag queens, and Toni Ko is a cutie who looks like Kristi Yamaguchi in a lot of pink. RuKlum-Seal reminds everyone of the challenge to transform fugly old men into somewhat less fugly old drag queens, and then it’s all engines and winning.



Raven is out first in her Cher wig and a black sequined leotard ensemble, with Golda Lamé in a simple dress made out of the same black sequined fabric, a similar wig, and a scarf in a lovely shade of turquoise. Once again, I’m having issues with the disconnected names, so we’re just going to refer to Raven’s drag motherfather as “Tara Dactyl”. Tara Dactyl still walks like a chicken and wound up looking like a little old gypsy woman, but her huge smile makes up for a lot of it.



Pandora hits the runway in a red and black Moulin Rouge outfit, with Litter Boxx looking like Debbie Reynolds herself in a blonde wig and dressed as Mama Rose. As RuKlum-Seal introduces “The Boxx family” to the panel, Debbie Reynolds inquires if one or more of them will be showing their boxes off later, scandalizing Cloris Leachman. Pandora interviews that she was going for a “showgirl today/showgirl yesterday” vibe for them, as she and her drag motherfather (who I’m renaming “Elektra Complex” for several reasons) do various turns of one queen hogging the stage and vamping for the judges while the other one reprimands her, and vice-versa.



Next up is Jujubee and Contessa Touché, who had wound up looking like present-day Liza Minnelli in an enormous sequined muumuu and Jujubee’s short platinum blonde wig, while Juju herself looks like a young working girl version of Joan Rivers. Contessa, or more appropriately, “Jawbreaka,” has very bad makeup that makes her look like a Russian babushka out of Chernobyl or something, but Jujubee interviews that she looks fabulous and is totally feeling it.



Tatianna does her best to disguise Annalisha’s limp as she walks her down the runway, but to little avail. The queens’ outfits are constructed from matching fabrics, with Tati in a gunmetal cocktail dress with a leopard belt and Catherine The Jank (so named because it continues the Russian theme and it amuses me to imagine that Prissy Michael became frail after attempting to initiate sex with a horse) in a longer leopard dress with a gunmetal shawl sweater. As Raven sort of predicted, Catherine The Jank does appear to be the most realistically feminine of the old queens, which makes it that much weirder when she flirts with Cloris Leachman.



Going one step further than Tatianna, Tyra and her drag motherfather “Big Tyra” – how imaginative, you dink – walk out in identical outfits and near-identical wigs, with Big Tyra bearing a blonde afro. Leave it to that lazy, entitled, self-deluded, good-for-nothing Beyoncé-wannabe to have the gall to literally name her drag motherfather after herself. One-Eyed Dustin is no longer one-eyed in drag, although she does basically look like an emaciated Phyllis Diller. Tyra interviews that The Other Tina Knowles (for who else would Tyra actually want for his drag motherfather?) has the right attitude, walk, and smile on the runway, leaving out the part where if she hadn’t, Tyra would have totally cut that bitch. Come on now. We all know how she do.



RuKlum-Seal then announces that it’s time for the queens’ and motherfathers’ lip-synch duets. What follows is a montage of all the performances, during which Tatianna shoves a terrified Catherine The Jank down the runway in a wheelchair. Snerk. She interviews that having “a little trick up your sleeve” is always important on the main stage, especially with such a small number of queens left. Pandora does an intentionally clumsy tango with Elektra Complex and interviews that they’re both very funny and campy, and that she thinks she’s giving the judges what they want. Foreshadowing then descends from the ceiling on a trapeze disguised as the moon with a set piece and proceeds to do her own lip-synch to Annie Lennox’s “No More I Love Yous,” complete with skag drag queens (Thanks, Inappropriate Spandex Steven!) in baby doll dresses with handlebar moustaches and male ballerinas in pastel tutus.



Tyra’s and The Other Tina Knowles’ cha-cha goes off without a hitch. Meanwhile, Jawbreaka whips off her sequined muumuu to reveal another outfit consisting of pants, a striped shirt, and a sequined scarf underneath, but that’s about it. She spends most of the rest of the performance just standing next to Jujubee like a big lump, which is largely why I renamed her Jawbreaka – she’s a big fat hard thing that’ll make you choke. Jujubee interviews that Jawbreaka “froze” onstage – like mother, like daughter – even after all their rehearsals, and says that she knew it looked “messy”. Tara Dactyl is just kind of bobbing in place while Raven dances and lip-synchs around her, and Raven interviews that she could see her getting tired and probably not lasting physically through the entire performance. As a result, she picks her up and carries her offstage at the end of their number, alleging that she would also do this for her actual mother. Of course, the fact that it elicits thunderous applause from the sympathetic judges doesn’t hurt either, which leads me to believe that that move was probably equal parts genuine and orchestrated on Raven’s part. Cloris Leachman then asks if someone will carry her away when it’s time for her to leave, and RuKlum-Seal assures her that the Hunky Naked Minions are more than capable and available if she needs them.



Later, the queens are lined up on the runway for individual critiques, with their drag motherfathers thoughtfully on stools alongside them. Raven and Tara Dactyl are up first, and RuKlum-Seal notes that Raven is wearing the exact same makeup scheme as Tara. Santino compliments how they managed to coordinate without being 1-to-1 matchy, while Debbie Reynolds liked their lip-synching but doesn’t think much of Tara’s bobbing-up-and-down style of dancing. At RuKlum-Seal’s prompting, Raven then thanks the judges for allowing her the opportunity to work with Tara Dactyl, and thanks her for all the work she did for gay rights and gay liberation. The panel applauds again, and RuKlum-Seal adds that it is because of people like Tara that shows like Drag Race are even possible. Which, while true, still doesn’t convince me that Raven’s attitude in this episode is completely genuine. Quite frankly, she’s far too much of a bitter pill and an obvious, aggressive game player for anyone to believe that.



Pandora shows off how Elektra Complex has gas, and Bobbi Adler notes that Elektra bears quite a resemblance to her. Merle adored their routine of alternately “giving [the judges] attitude” and pulling each other back in embarrassment, and even Santino agrees with her assessment. Beverly Ann Stickle asks if Elektra has been drinking, causing the panel to erupt with laughter and Elektra to give her the evil eye. Don’t make Miss Elektra Complex replace you with Charlotte Rae, Cloris Leachman!



Jujubee jokes (I hope) that she was trying to go for “the natural look” with Jawbreaka, and Toni Ko speaks up and says that she wished Jawbreaka had had a longer wig. Beverly Ann also notes that Jujubee’s mouth was open very wide on all of the words of the lip-synch, which made it look overwrought. Merle adds that Jawbreaka’s lip-synch sucked.



Tatianna describes how he turned Catherine The Jank from Prissy Michael into the drag version of Diane Von Fürstenberg (whose daughter coincidentally is named Tatiana), and Toni Ko says that she would have preferred a brighter colored lipstick for Catherine. Merle concurs, saying that older ladies don’t wear dark brown lipstick “unless they’re Judy Davis.” Bobbi Adler, meanwhile, loved their lip-synch performance with “the walker” (which simply has a built-in seat, making it look like a wheelchair), and Santino thought that Catherine The Jank was a great actress during the number, as did Beverly Ann.



Tyra appears to have no qualms about having named The Other Tina Knowles after herself, because she’s a bidouche. Santino says that he enjoys seeing the giant afro on Tina as well as their identical outfits, while Merle says that she thought Tyra went a little overboard on Tina’s makeup. RuKlum-Seal then turns to Bobbi Adler to critique the queens’ dance number, and Mother Adler says that she enjoyed their choreography but is on the fence about Tina’s afro.



The queens are then dismissed so that the judges can deliberate. Merle commends Raven showing her “sweet side” with Tara Dactyl, and Debbie Reynolds says that she felt their “kinship.” Santino says that Elektra Complex seemed to steal the show from Pandora, which Merle agrees with, while Bobbi Adler commends Elektra for playing such a strong character. RuKlum-Seal turns to Cloris Leachman and notes that Jujubee’s lip-synch was all “peas and carrots” to perhaps disguise not knowing the actual lyrics, and Cloris says that it was too exaggerated to be believable. Toni Ko says that Jujubee and Jawbreaka were both “beautiful and exotic,” but Jawbreaka’s hair was ass.



With Tatianna and Catherine The Jank, Beverly Ann only noticed the walker/wheelchair and that their outfits were nice, and Merle says that she thought Catherine’s dress was more attractive and flattering. Santino admits that Tatianna seems to have redeemed herself this week. Cloris Leachman is another one who is overcome by Lazy Good-For-Nothing Tyra’s beauty, and holds up an index card to rate her a 10. Gag me. Merle seconds her critique about The Other Tina Knowles’ makeup being overworked, but Debbie Reynolds agrees that the pair was a 10. Oh, Bobbi Adler and Beverly Ann Stickle, don’t make me beat y’all.



RuKlum-Seal then summons the queens back for judgment, and declares that at this point it’s not about “who’s the worst, but who’s the best of the best,” which probably means something awful and objectionable is about to go down. Sure enough, Tyra is safe; strike one. Tatianna is redeemed from last week and is also safe, giving Raven yet another bitchface. Pandora is told that she was “outperformed” and is in the bottom two; strike fucking two. She interviews that she really thought she was campy and fun and gave it everything she had, and this feels like “a kick in the balls.” Seriously; the judges went from all-around praising her efforts in the challenge to this “outperformed” jag in the span of five minutes. This is kind of bullshit, especially since Pandora was stuck with the crazy broken old person and managed to turn out an equally funny drag motherfather. Why didn’t she fucking win this challenge?



The answer comes in the form of Raven, who allegedly gave her motherfather “the most dramatic makeover” and carrying Tara Dactyl’s frail ass offstage and basically making RuKlum-Seal all verklempt. She is named the winner; strike motherfucking three, this is a load of horsecrap. Tatianna and Jujubee are visibly displeased, because they know just as well as I do that Raven half-planned to make RuKlum-Seal all verklempt. Raven and Tara Dactyl are awarded a 4-day vacation at a Palm Springs hotel/spa, and Raven interviews that it was amazing to win. But more importantly! It was amazing to “know” that Tatianna was eating her heart out. Everything is about Tatianna with this chick! Seriously, bitch, stop pulling fucking pigtails, ask Tatianna out already, and shut! The fuck! UP!!! Raven and Tyra then titter in their evil, but Tatianna mostly just looks bored out of her mind and puzzled. Rather than piss herself over Raven the way Raven would like to believe, she’s probably just struggling to remember everything Catherine The Jank told her about Oscar Wilde.



By process of elimination and because Jawbreaka sucked, Jujubee is also in the bottom two and must Lip Synch For Her Life against Pandora. Oh, suuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Either way we lose someone…who isn’t Raven or Tyra. Boooooooooooooo. And since Pandora’s never LSFYLed, I don’t like her chances against Jujubee either. Son of a bitch.



So Juju and Pandora LSFYL to the tune of Debbie Gibson’s “Shake Your Love,” which is just rubbing salt in the wound because I love Debbie Gibson, and now this song will be forever tainted by the loss of one of the awesome queens left in this competition with the power to vanquish Raven and Tyra. Pandora interviews that it sucks to have to battle Jujubee for her place in the competition, but she really wants to prove to the judges that she belongs here. Jujubee voiceovers that she feels the same way. Unfortunately, Pandora’s nominal jiggling and robot dance is a hard sell in the face of Jujubee’s ratchety movements and keyboard miming during the instrumental bridge, and Raven interviews that she doesn’t “see a star” in Pandora’s performance.



Sure enough, RuKlum-Seal winds up agreeing with Raven’s assessment once more and tells Jujubee to Shanté and Stay, while Pandora must Sashay Away. GODDAMMIT, NOT PANDORA! ASAYEEEE!!!Pandora attempts to salvage things by taking a pratfall on her way out, but at this point it’s just tragic. Backstage, she interviews that she felt like the judges were always harder on her than on everyone else, which is understandable and justified. SANTINO. She says that she wanted to win, but “what [she] brought here wasn’t what they were looking for.” Oh honey, now *I’m* getting all verklempt – and independent of Raven’s machinations, for the record. She caps her exit off with a Kathy Griffin-esque “Fuck ‘em!” which at the time I thought cheapened her departure, but in retrospect feels more deserved than ever. If Jujubee doesn’t win this damn show now, and somehow, God forbid, Raven or Tyra do, my ire will be apocalyptic and terrifying.



There are of course, parting words from RuKlum-Seal and stuff involving the remaining queens and their drag motherfathers. But whatever – fuck you, RuPaul’s Drag Race! Fuck all y’all! YOU KICKED OFF PANDORA BOXX! YOU BASTARDS!!!