RuPaul's Drag Race 2-9 "The Diva Awards"

In which there is a dearth of Thundering Drumbeats And Silences, Tyra resorts to manufacturing an entire dress in order to play with people's minds, Tatianna contracts Shannel Syndrome because Raven is a diseased carrier (surprise, surprise), Merle Ginsberg is fucking hallucinating during the runway presentations now, and for the bargain price of $3.99, you too can own Jujubee's soul!

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Why Do I Watch This? Recap – RuPaul’s Drag Race 2-9 “The Diva Awards” or “Triumph Of The Bitches”




Makeup, Shoes, Wigs, And Lest We Forget – Shoes. The queens enter the workroom and lament the empty feeling it has without “other contestants”. Translation: RUPAUL YOU CRAZY BITCH, YOU KICKED PANDORA BOXX OFF THE SHOW!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOOOOOOOUUUUUU?!!!!? Jujubee then asks everyone if they thought he should have gone home instead, and Tatianna says that he thought Pandora was better during the LSFYL and attracted more attention. As much as I disagree with allowing Pandora to get kicked off in lieu of, shall we say, Tyra, Tati is unfortunately wrong. Sucky as it is to admit it, Jujubee is a much better LSFYL performer than poor Pandora.



Raven then continues to alienate viewers by reiterating that he didn’t see Pandora as “a star,” while he does see star quality in Jujubee. That fucking cunt Tyra then adds that Pandora’s runway presentations should have put her in the bottom “a long time ago.” Go die in a fire, Tyra. Tatianna interviews that Raven’s opinion of who is and is not a star is bullshit, and that he probably thinks that he’s the biggest star of all – which Tatianna helpfully points out is an equal load of bullshit. The sad thing is, the more this show goes on and on, the less likely I think it is that RuPaul will ever call Raven or Tyra out on their obvious behavioral shortcomings, even though she really has a moral obligation to as “the nice drag queen next door” she’s built herself up to be all these years.



Anyway, that skankwhore Raven then says that they’ve been in this competition for so long that he misses “[his] friends.” Bitch, please – we all know you have no friends. No one can stand you. Jujubee chimes in that he would talk to his drag mother at 10AM every day, and hasn’t had the chance to do that since the queens were sequestered by the competition. Raven then contrivedly asks if Juju talks to his drag mother more than his real mother, leading Juju to reveal that his mother abandoned him. DUN! Jujubee elaborates in an interview that after his father died, his mother found a new man six months later and abandoned him and his two younger sisters to fend for themselves. That is 10 kinds of fucked up and inexcusable. As a result, Juju has infinitely more respect and gratitude for (what I assume is) his drag mother, “Charisma Geneva Jackson [unintelligible]”.



She Mail then arrives, and Max Headroom!RuPaul drops a couple of clues about awards, awards shows, and acceptance speeches. RuGunn then walks in and notes that a true diva would never be caught alive or dead in the same dress as someone else. Thus, this week’s mini-challenge will be for the queens to customize identical dresses and make them their own, without cutting or gluing anything onto the garments. The Hunky Naked Minions then wheel in four Little Black Dresses on forms and a rack of what appear to be denim skorts with Native American print belts, and RuGunn leaves the queens to get to work.



As it turns out, the rack of Indian-belted denim skorts is a rack of accessories and spare blue glittery fabric, and the queens take gaudy-ass belts, chains, feathers, and costume jewelry off it to accessorize themselves. The real fun comes when they all try to squeeze into their dresses, as Raven notes that they all seem to be the same size – and none of them are the right ones. Jujubee declares that he feels like a cross- dresser, which is apparently different from feeling like a drag queen and perhaps a pejorative. Whatever, ladyboys; a man in a dress is a man in a dress as far as I can tell. Raven giggles in a talking head that Jujubee is trying to “buff makeup” to try and cover his stubble, as they cannot get themselves into proper drag makeup in what’s left of the 30 minutes allotted for the mini-challenge. She and Tyra proceed to laugh out loud at Jujubee’s attempts to put on makeup with the time crunch, with Raven advising that she should add her fake eyelashes and Tyra insisting that he has “fish face” and doesn’t need anything but a wig. If Tyra means that he has the face of a moray eel, then we are in total agreement for once. Juju, for his part, replies that Tyra looks like “trout”. Snerk. Tatianna, who is going for a Rihanna wig similar to Tyra’s , just winds up looking like a member of Fall Out Boy.



When RuGunn returns, he jokingly asks if “En Vogue” got back together and marvels at Jujubee’s makeup and padding job. He reveals that he wore leggings because he didn’t have enough time to hide his pad lines, as well as to give his dress a more “R&B” feel. RuGunn compliments how the look elongates Juju’s diminutive frame. He then comments that Raven’s decision to use all black accessories and a black wig make him look like he’s being buried. If only. I mean “a spy” – RuGunn says he looks like a spy. Raven explains that he was going for “dark sophistication” (yet again) and explains that he ended up with “scrunch boots” because his footwear actually came up too high. RuGunn says that a queen needs pointedly long legs like his own in order to pull off scrunch boots properly.



He then turns to Tatianna, who has purple and blue feathers on as a brooch, matching purple and blue hoop earrings, and silver pumps. Tyra interviews that Tati may have “overaccessorized,” even though Tati is wearing the least amount of crap of any of them, while Raven predictably calls her “a ¢99 store mess”. Honestly Tatianna looks like a 10-year-old who thinks Claire’s is the height of fashion more than anything else; her look is pedestrian, but not hideous. Finally, Tyra is shown in a collection of simple silver chains and a handmade clutch purse made from either silver fabric or duct tape and snakeskin wrapped around a piece of cardboard. RuGunn says that he could take the outfit from lunch to “the funeral to the wake to the after-party, and then on to the club.” Tyra also adds that he would go on to pick up “the children” after the club, because far be it from him to pass up an opportunity to kiss up to RuPaul.



In the end, RuGunn declares that Tyra’s understated, classy, and apparently multi-occasion dress is the winner, after which he informs all the queens that they’ve been nominated for “the Diva Awards.” The queens squee with delight as RuGunn elaborates that their main challenge will be to showcase “awards show realness” by creating three different looks for three different Diva Awards ceremonies. These include “a hot teen queen” look for the Teen Diva Awards, “Washington, DC-style executive realness” for the Diva DC Press Awards, and a red carpet look for the Diva Hollywood Extravaganza Awards. The Hunky Naked Minions then wheel out sponsored clothing, accessories, fabrics, and notions for the queens to use, and RuGunn leaves them to their engines and winning.



Tyra immediately gravitates toward a bolt of lime green fur and grabs it and every other swatch of day-glo fur from the pile, and it totally looks like he’s just come back from hunting and skinning an entire herd of Muppets. Jessica Wild would be horrified. Raven, meanwhile, interviews that he’s worried about what the other queens are going to turn out at this point, given that the judges are now looking for their absolute best. Except for Tatianna, of course, because Raven is still gnawing away at that bit and refuses to just admit that he LIKE-likes him and ask him out on a fucking date already from fear of rejection. Which is understandable, because Raven is the sort of person who gets rejected by and from everything.



Sewing. After Raven rehashes the parameters of the main challenge, Tatianna comes over to look at this gauzy woven sequined hoodie that Jujubee has on his dress form. Tati says that he wore something like that in high school, and Jujubee says that he did as well. Tatianna then realizes that Jujubee wore his sequined gauzy hoodie “as a boy,” leading Juju to snit that not everyone went to school dressed as a fake girl. Jujubee subsequently interviews that Tatianna seems to think that he’s an actual girl, and that he thinks drag queens should “culture [themselves].” I don’t see how the former is an issue, given that Sonique actually is a transgender individual, and while the latter definitely is one of Tatianna’s weak points, I don’t see how they relate to one another.



Anyway, after musing that he should perhaps just pull an Olsen Twins and wear “30 things at once”, Jujubee goes over to the dark side – the closest thing to which is Raven, in this case – and says that if he goes home this week and Raven wins, he would be okay with that. Raven replies that he wants to win this challenge, but then Raven thinks he should win every challenge, so nothing new there. Jujubee sputters that he would simply like to win a challenge, and tells Raven that they should attempt to be “number 1 and number 2” between themselves. Given that this isn’t a Survivor-type show, isn’t it a bit late and out of place to try and be making alliances? Jujubee must be losing his goddamned mind from Killer Fatigue™ or something.



Nonetheless, Raven interviews that he would like to take Jujubee to the final three and says that they will do everything they can to help each other. Way to sell your soul to Satan’s least favorite minion, Juju. Jujubee talking heads that RuPaul is always talking about having CUNT, and he thinks that he has CUNT and that Raven of course is a cunt. Meanwhile, Tyra and Tatianna have a few of the letters – U and N and C, U, and maybe a little bit of T, respectively – but not the full proverbial package.



Tyra then reveals that he has actually learned nothing from Halogate and starts singing again, this time to “Jealous Of My Boogie.” Perhaps he thought everyone was angry with him for using a song that had not been licensed by this show, rather than believing that he was committing outright sabotage. Jujubee then tells him to “keep on singing” and that he should totally use the “beautiful voice” God gave him. Having at least the grace and sensibility to be embarrassed by this, Tyra shuts up and apologizes, but also tsks that Jujubee is “trying to read [him].” AND HE DID. Snap, snap.



More civilly, Jujubee mentions that Tyra is missing his son’s “first day,” and Tyra says that he’s sad about it and hopes that Jeremiah’s mother will take pictures. He explains via talking head that today is his son’s first day of preschool, and he’s missing it on top of not being able to see him for 9 weeks because of the competition. Oh, for the love of – preschool? You’re boo-hooing because you’re missing your kid’s first day of fucking preschool? Come back crying when you miss his fucking high school graduation – until then, get the fuck over yourself. When we get back to reality – or at least, the reality where Jujubee and Tatianna live and those freaks Raven and Tyra do their best to get along in this strange foreign universe – Tyra is complimenting himself on the purple fur buttcape attached to a gold minidress he has on his dress form. I reiterate: here’s reality, and here’s the freakish Lovecraftian dimension full of Cthulhu-like alien nightmares where Tyra’s brain comes from.



Elsewhere, Tatianna is getting a complex from staring at the lavender swatch draped around his dress form, and interviews that he spent “most of the morning” planning out his silhouette and other garment details, while Raven is busy sewing and Jujubee is at least constructing a garment. He adds that one should never waste time thinking, even though that’s exactly what he just did. And also, one should waste a *little* time thinking, otherwise you end up walking the runway with corn hanging from your hand and being a boring Lady Gaga.



Back at Tyra’s station, the lazy good-for-nothing Beyoncé-wannabe complains about the green feathers his work has sent flying everywhere, and even Raven is starting to feel allergic. The nasty drag cassowary interviews that Tyra’s dead Muppet dress looks like a train wreck waiting to happen, and Jujubee suspects in his talking head that he thinks Tyra might just be making it to throw everyone off his scent. I honestly wouldn’t put it past him – completely misdirect everyone from the actual work he intends to turn out and also sabotage them with fur and feather allergies. Tyra is nothing if not a low, conniving douchebag who will resort to cheap shots and borderline cheating in order to win.



Meanwhile, Tatianna has draping issues, and interviews that he’s never made a gown before. Quelle surprise. As such, he stuffs the bust of his ersatz dress with silver fabric to both give it cleavage volume and to create a boob-top decoration, explaining that while it will allegedly look “expensive”, the garment consists of three pieces of fabric hot glued together. To drive the point home, Jujubee looks over while Tati is working and gives him this total “WTF?” look. And now I know that Tyra’s Muppet dress is a fake-out, because they’ve all but telegraphed that Tatianna is going home this week.



RuGunn then returns to check in, and makes his first stop at Tyra’s station. Tyra reveals that his fake-out Muppet dress is (lie) his red carpet look, alleging that he wants to “stand out.” Staying away from the Muppet-furred elephant in the room, RuGunn asks about Tyra’s confidence and if he believes that he is the queen to beat. Naturally Tyra replies in the affirmative, saying that he has “challenged himself” in each round of the competition. Apparently in the new verbage, “to challenge yourself” means “to come up with new and inventive cheap tricks to trip up your competition without leaving any identifiable evidence that you’ve sabotaged your way to the win.” Eventually, though, RuGunn points out that the fact that the Muppet gown is making everyone allergic, including Tyra, might be “a red flag” to do something else. If nothing else, Ru advises him to vacuum the garment before he wears it.



RuGunn moves on to Raven, who reveals that he’s debating over a dark green suit and his red Old, Broke, & Mofugly outfit for his executive look. La Supermodel asks him what his idea of a “DC Press Awards” look is, and Raven replies that it would probably be something that his idol Sarah Palin would wear. A thundering SFX drumbeat then sounds, as a hush falls over the workroom – or at least it would if I had anything to say about it – as RuGunn asks if he’s serious about that. If Raven is actually a supporter of Sarah Palin, it really would explain so much about him. Semi-fortunately, Raven admits that he was just making a bad joke, and RuGunn advises that he needs to show the judges “everything [he’s] learned about [himself]” in this competition in this challenge. Raven just nods and gives Ru the same look that Morena Baccarin wears while playing the evil alien queen on V, because the only thing Raven has “learned” is that Raven thinks that Raven is the shit. And also perhaps because Raven regularly swallows live gerbils.



At Jujubee’s station, RuGunn takes in the length of sequined red fabric Juju has draped around a little black dress on his mannequin and calls it “understated.” He assures La Supermodel that he is going to “Juju it up,” and RuGunn reminds him that he wants to avoid a third stint in the bottom two and that the stakes are higher than ever now. They both agree that Jujubee needs to “Stay down, stay hood, and stay here.”



Finally, RuGunn heads over to Tatianna, who is “pondering” a black outfit with a white lace cravat and the black and lavender gown with the silver boob ruffle from earlier. RuGunn pegs the latter as his Teen Diva Awards outfit, but Tati reveals that it is actually his red carpet look. Thundering Drumbeat And Silence. RuGunn questions the “cha-cha” that is the silver boob ruffle, pointing out that Santino will probably lambaste him for it. Tatianna offers that he’s never worn anything like this before, but RuGunn says that that’s not really an excuse to go through with it either, after which we get a real Thundering Drumbeat And Silence. Still, Tatianna insists that he thinks it’s a good idea because the panel has never seen, and thus never commented, on it, and RuGunn patiently reminds him that he is going to be scrutinized more than ever at this judgment. Tati, who appears to be both shutting down to outside opinions and far too optimistic, just replies that he sees this challenge as having three different chances to wow the judges with his looks. RuGunn simply reminds him that “these bitches are coming for [him],” and he needs to pull some magical shit out of his ass if he wants to make the final three. Yep, forget Tyra’s fake-out Muppet dress – Tatianna’s going home.



Afterwards, RuGunn announces to all the queens (as Jujubee links arms with Tyra and Raven, leaving Tatianna by himself, which should really qualify as a fucking spoiler alert as well as notice that Juju has sold his soul to run with the nasty bitches) that the judging panel for this challenge will include Marissa Jaret Winokur (a.k.a. the fat chick from the stage version of Hairspray that’s been going around forever) and celebrity train wreck Tatum O’Neal. He cites the two actresses’ extensive experience with real awards shows and the red carpet as their qualifications for critiquing (as Raven puts it) “how [they] maintain [themselves] at an awards show.” RuGunn also adds that the queens will be required to perform an opening number for the ceremony with pre-assigned outfits and music. Tyra, as winner of the mini-challenge, is then put in charge of the performance, with all the queens having to come up with their choreography as a group. Thundering Drumbeat And Silence.



Raven visibly bites his tongue to keep from swearing and Tatianna swears out loud as an elated Tyra asks if he’s really in charge of the other queens. RuGunn corrects him and reiterates that he’s in charge of the performance, while Jujubee just grins from ear to ear and gives Tyra a little hug because he really has sold his soul today. Tyra interviews that he hates group work because he’s a self-absorbed ass and any sabotage done here would also hurt his image in front of the judges, but resolves to work hard because he doesn’t want to give anyone else the chance to sabotage him and put him in the bottom two. RuGunn leaves the queens with the warning to have dripping CUNT on the main stage tomorrow, and fake-acceptance speech-weeps that they cannot afford to fuck this up.



Afterwards, Jujubee quickly asks Tyra what song they’re supposed to be performing to, but Tyra reveals that he wasn’t told. Thundering Drumbeat And Silence. Raven talking heads that the last time Tyra was involved in a group assignment, he was utterly useless and a complete albatross around the other queens’ necks, and says that if he even tries to screw this shit up, he will whip out his Special Forces knife and open that bitch’s turkey neck up himself. Or he just says that Tyra in a group (and in charge of the group, no less) is “a recipe for disaster.” You know. Whatever.



D-I-V-A. The queens prance out onto the main stage in their boy clothes and high heels, where they find the aforementioned letters cast two feet high and in sparkly gold foam rubber. Tatianna interviews that he’s not happy about having to participate in the group opening dance number because it takes away time he desperately needs to get his shit together. Oh, loca, you’ve come down with an awful case of Shannel Syndrome; all the time in the world couldn’t save you, even if Jujubee hadn’t sold his soul to get in with Tyra and Raven.



Raven immediately usurps control from Tyra and begins to choreograph the number, although he does check in with Tyra every so often to see whether or not he approves of his decisions. Tatianna and Jujubee look pointedly at Tyra for direction, but all Tyra can offer is “Um…” Raven interviews that Tyra was being about as useful as a sunroof on a space shuttle, and the few instructions he did give the other queens made no sense. Tatianna talking heads that Tyra’s excuse for choreography basically amounted to a lot of posing and spinning, with a finale that consisted of stacking the foam letters. In the actual rehearsal, Tyra fails to keep track of who lip-synchs what part of the song, and about the only thing he does successfully is push someone out of the way so he can pose trying to look cute in the middle. Which figures. Tati interviews that it was one big hot tranny mess, and is more than likely hoping that it’s enough to knock that silly ho into the bottom two tomorrow.



Alarms. The queens haul themselves out of bed the next day (with yet another lingering shot of Raven’s ass, which is still not at all appealing) and into the workroom, where Tyra takes advantage of being the first one in to slam the door in the other queens’ faces. He then opens it back up and says he was just “playin’”, to which Jujubee responds by repossessing a small part of his soul and calling Tyra “fucking shady.” Everyone proceeds to get into makeup, with Raven and Jujubee commiserating over their iffy final looks. Tyra tries on his Muppet gown and pretends to have second thoughts about the big fake-out, attempting to fake-gussy it up with a black leather corset.



Later, Jujube resells what’s left of his soul by bringing up the impending top three. He says that he will be there, as do Tyra and Tatianna. As expected, Raven and Tyra titter amongst themselves at Tatianna’s claim, and Raven proudly crows about how he was in the bottom two twice but came back to win two challenges. Jujubee then grouses that they have all won at least one challenge except him, and interviews that he really does not want to be in the bottom again, since the last person he saw LSFYL three times, Sahara Davenport, struck out on the third and got sent home.



Raven then reasserts himself as self-appointed alpha bitch by asking who everyone thinks is going to be in the final three. Jujubee again offers that he should be, leading Raven to demand that he name all three queens. Juju snaps back that Raven should go first if she wants to hear that kind of smacktalk, and Raven predictably names himself, Juju, and Tyra. He cites that Tyra has shown “consistency” (in sabotage and punk-ass moves), Jujubee brings “a sense of energy,” and he himself has mastered the art of turning into a completely different person to get the judges to rule in his favor, while Tatianna has yet to do any of that. Raven then turns to Tatianna and poses the same question, to which Tati replies that he just hopes he’s in the final three and that is all.



When asked, Tyra also thinks the final three will be Raven, Jujubee, and himself, but notes that there’s always a chance that Tatianna could surprise them all. Jujubee then asks for Tatianna not to hate him because he also concurs with Raven and Tyra, and then asks Tati not to be mad at him. Jujubee has issues with throwing shade (outside of challenges, I guess), y’all. I don’t know if he’s insecure about being liked, playing the same alliance game he is with Raven, or some freakish combination of both. In any case, Tatianna interviews that “all the girls” don’t see him as serious competition, even though “a lot of the girls” who dismissed him have gone home. The former may be true, since Jujubee has basically sold his soul, but the latter basically amounts to Sonique, so I don’t know why Tati is speaking in grand, vague terms about it. In any case, Tatianna says that if you feel a certain way about someone, you should “own it”, which I’m fairly sure is in response to Jujubee’s backhanded criticisms, and says that he refuses to have his spirit “broken” by fucking Raven. Raven just giggles that he would never bring something up unless he “absolutely had to,” leading Jujubee to giggle back that he’s such an admirable stroppy bitch. You know, I don’t think Jujubee even charged more than $3.99 for his soul.



After a montage of padded asses that lasted far too long, we cut over to the main stage and RuKlum-Seal making her grand entrance in a simple black gown accessorized with a sort of pageant sash made out of red flower petals, a strand of which also accents her giant blonde wig. She greets the mainstays of the panel, allows Marissa Jaret Winokur to compliment her fake hair, and learns that Tatum O’Neal is on fire to see the queens. She reminds everyone of the queens’ challenge to put together three different knockout looks, as well as dance like monkeys for the judges’ amusement from the get-go. Engines. Winning.



The queens then prance out holding their foam letters (with Jujubee carrying her A on her head, not unlike Mystique’s first runway, which is probably an omen all things considered) and dressed in matching pearl-colored short leotards with gold lame belts and accents. They proceed to lip-synch this song about how DIVA stands for “discipline, [various ambiguous things], vision, and attitude” while side-stepping, doing all the turning and posing Tatianna referenced earlier, and kicklining. Tyra’s lip-synch is several beats late, Raven is doing okay, Tatianna is waggling her Whitney Houston Sassy Black Woman fingers around way too much, and Jujubee looks like an Asian film that’s been badly dubbed into English. She really needs to stop swallowing her fake words when she lip-synchs; Debbie Reynolds was right, it’s not cool. Jujubee also steps to the left at one point when the other girls step to the right; it’s not a very big mistake and she recovers quickly, but the misstep is not lost on Tyra.



Afterwards, RuKlum-Seal announces that it is time for the Teen Diva Awards. Out first is Tatianna, once again sporting a Xanadu headband and wearing a zebra-print minidress which Merle thinks could be very “BCBG”. She voiceovers that she’s really trying to sell herself as a “hot teen actress,” a lot of whom probably do end up selling themselves, and her smile is obnoxiously big.



Raven then hits the runway in a muted pink dress with an organza skirt and a red wig. She interviews that she feels “cute and fun” and bounced down the catwalk, and RuKlum-Seal and Merle graciously call her look “teen Chanel”. I say “graciously” because even if it is the Teen Diva Awards and the dress is meant for a younger girl, Raven looks like a withered fortysomething cougar who’s trying way too hard, rather like one of those Real Housewives harpies complete with the unflattering plastic surgery and sense of entitlement. RuKlum-Seal then asks Raven for advice on how to lose 3 lbs., to which Raven classily replies by sticking a finger down her throat. As much as I question Tatianna’s taste level regarding clothes, I question Raven’s taste level regarding behavior – though really, not as much as I did that undoubtedly crab-infested Morgan McMichaels.



Jujubee walks out looking like a young rapper chick, wearing her flyaway blonde wig under a black hoodie top with sparkly stretch pants and very blingy gold chain belts. RuKlum-Seal declares that she looks ready for the “BET Teen Awards” and that Jujubee must be from Baldwin Hills. It’s infinitely less obvious than Raven, but Jujubee also looks a bit too old to be a convincing teenage girl, though I think that with Juju it’s a makeup issue rather than an actual overabundance of years and bad plastic surgery. Jujubee voiceovers that she feels really “comfortable” with her hip-hop look and is trying to channel Mary J. Blige, who was also not a teenager when she came onto the scene. Once again, bad omen, though considering that Jujubee sold her soul it’s hardly surprising at this point.



Finally, Tyra emerges in a lovely short indigo dress, accented with a single jeweled brooch and an afro-mohawk hybrid wig. RuKlum-Seal calls her “Solange Knowles” (which I dearly hope is a stab at Tyra not even being close to Beyoncé), and Tyra voiceovers that her look makes her feel 16 again.



We then change over to the Diva D.C. Press Awards, and for all of Raven’s talk about Sarah Palin with RuGunn, it is Tatianna who winds up looking like that ridiculous crazy teabagging heifer. She is wearing the black frock with the white lace cravat we saw earlier, along with glasses and an auburn updo wig, and the resemblance is eerie and uncanny. RuKlum-Seal makes the obligatory joke about Tatianna being able to see Russia from her house, as the queen goes into a very recognizable Sarah Palin pose at one point. I suppose if Raven really detests Britney Spears as much as she claims to, this is what she must have felt like when she saw Tatianna during “Snatch Game.” Tatianna then pretends to get a call on her cell phone, which RuKlum-Seal dubs over as her telling Rush Limbaugh that he’s a fat fuck. Yeah, can’t argue there.



Raven walks out in the dark green skirt and suit she displayed earlier, which looks very blue-black under the runway lights, along with a pearl necklace, glasses, and a blonde wig that makes her look like a young Hilary Clinton. RuKlum-Seal says that she’s “Leslie Stahl” (which is mean, because the real Leslie Stahl has a much softer face than Raven), and Raven voiceovers that she’s trying to exude as much power as Satan will give her. Sort of. RuKlum-Seal declares that she must be about to meet someone for lunch at the Watergate. Trust Raven to be the one involved in a political scandal.



Jujubee hits the catwalk in gray slacks, a peach satin blouse, glasses, and a Kate Gosselin wig. She then proceeds to take a fake call on her cell phone that makes her very angry, which totally makes her look like Margaret Cho’s mother who she’s always making fun of. RuKlum-Seal kindly wonders if she’s supposed to be “a lawyer,” while Tatum O’Neal thinks that the infuriating call was from Juju’s fake husband, and Merle adds that he probably told her to stop buying “all that Escada”. Jujubee voiceovers that she’s trying to channel “a fierce executive” who refuses to wear skirts and “wears the pants in the family.” Meanwhile, she’s really channeling every middle-aged Filipina woman my mother has ever met. La Supermodel says that she’s very “Nancy Pelosi” except that her forehead and her ass can still move.



Like Jujubee, Tyra is also not really dressed like much of a Washington power player, so much as she’s dressed like a silly ho who has to wear something resembling business attire if she wants to keep her secretarial job fucking the boss. She’s wearing her Rihanna hair with earrings that are far too gaudy and a black pantsuit with a sleeveless top. Nonetheless, RuKlum-Seal says that Michelle Obama should “eat her heart out,” because RuKlum-Seal has a special kind of cataracts that choose not to see Tyra’s poor behavior and bag of dirty tricks. Tyra voiceovers that the judges have never seen her in pants, so this is a “nice and elegant” change for her – you know, if she didn’t totally look like someone’s slutty secretary who is being a fucking bitch and stealing someone’s man in Waiting To Exhale.



We then cut to this albino Humpty Dumpty-looking queen who identifies himself as James St. James and has apparently been roped into Joan Rivers duty on RuPaul’s fake red carpet. Calling himself an “author, nightlife dinosaur, and red carpet perennial,” St. James introduces the Diva Hollywood Extravaganza portion of the fake awards show, and interviews the queens in a split-screen between his fake red carpet and the runway. As Tatianna hits the catwalk in her lingerie-looking sparkly black gown with a lengthy diaphanous train, an actual skirt that is once again tastelessly short, and the silver boob ruffle, JSJ asks her to speak about her outfit. Tati interviews that she wanted to show off her legs again, since they’re arguably her best feature, but wanted to still be “cute” and not “too much.” Oh, Tatianna, if only Jennifer Love Hewitt and her love of dresses that look like nightgowns were judging this contest. RuKlum-Seal just wonders if she’s wearing panties, noting that no modern Hollywood starlet does.



Raven walks out in her dark lady/Cher costume and hair again, just with a different black gown that doesn’t have a plunging neckline. JSJ calls her “the spitting image of Anjelica Huston” (hopefully as she appeared in full prosthetic makeup in The Witches, which would make me love James St. James just a little bit) and asks her to describe her “en-som-bluh.” Raven explains that her dress is by “Vivian Wallace” (your guess is as good as mine) and that while she lost a few beads during her walk, she hopes that at least one of the other queens will trip on them. Ha, joke’s on you, Raven! Tatianna has already walked! NYAH! RuKlum-Seal gasps that the beading on her gown is gorgeous and that she wants that dress for herself, and calls her look “very Angelina Jolie.” Pssh, screw that – Raven looks like the fucking Octomom, if anything.



Jujubee hits the runway in a dress made entirely of the red sequined fabric she showed us earlier, complete with matching veil and a ton of gold jewelry, leading RuKlum-Seal to totally peg her look as that of a Bollywood actress. She tells JSJ that she feels several synonyms of beautiful tonight, and La Supermodel snerks that Juju isn’t just dressed for the red carpet, but is also “wearing it.” Uh, when was the last time you saw a sequined silk red carpet, RuPaul? Jujubee wasn’t exactly wearing a dark red version of Tyra’s Muppet fake-out dress, last I checked.



Last and least, Tyra struts out in a pale white-green sequined gown with an enormous curly wig dressed to the left, which is probably the best red carpet look out of all the queens tonight. Unfortunately when JSJ asks if she has a message for her fans on the fake red carpet, Tyra tells these (hypothetical) fans to “just keep dreaming, and if you can’t love yourself, how’n the hell you gonna love somebody else?” Oh, hell to the no, I know she did not just rip off RuPaul’s own catchphrase while her ass still on RuPaul’s own goddamned show. Not only should she be eliminated, she should be fucking sued. Since she obviously has yet to see that bit of blatant copyright infringement, RuKlum-Seal agrees with Merle that Tyra’s look is very “Rita Hayworth in Gilda”.



Afterwards, RuKlum-Seal has all four queens assembled on the runway’s crossbeam and says that an acceptance speech is a vital part of any awards show presentation. Therefore, she now asks that each of the queens give their Diva Awards acceptance speech to the judging panel. Tatianna blithely replies to her fake award with a simple “Thank you” and thanks her mother for her support and her genes, which makes Jujubee bust out laughing. Tati goes on to say that she “did [herself] to the fullest” and says that that is why she’s come this far in the competition, and closes with a second and third “Thank you.”



Raven goes the predictable route by fake-crying, which totally cracks the judges up because Satan is totally fixing this for her, and by thanking God. Clearly Raven has learned nothing from Kathy Griffin, which is one more reason why I think it’s appalling that Pandora Boxx isn’t here giving a fake acceptance speech. Raven also thanks RuKlum-Seal for “lighting a fire under [her] butt” and her fans (who are just as imaginary as Tyra’s).



In a similar vein, Jujubee first thanks her “Creator, King Jesus God Himself [sic]” and her dead father, but also tells her miserable no-good abandoning mother that she knows she’s out there watching, and that it’s okay and they’ll be back together again one day, which totally pulls on Tatum O’Neal’s heartstrings. She closes by expressing how glad she is to be able to share her “Diva moment” with the judges, which apparently is a tour de force as far as Santino is concerned.



Finally, Tyra gasps that she didn’t even know she was nominated, which is actually a thousand times fucking funnier than anything Raven said and cracks the judges up appropriately. She then dedicates her fake award to her son, saying that he’s her motivation for everything and telling him that his dreams can come true as long as he believes. And then she fake-cries, which is really only funny to RuKlum-Seal.



Then it’s time for individual critiques, and RuKlum-Seal asks Tatianna if she intended to look like Sarah Palin. Tati says that it wasn’t entirely intentional, but she does love that insane cow’s hair. As predicted, Santino finds the boob ruffle on her red carpet dress distasteful. Tatum O’Neal points out that her red carpet interview with James St. James (whom she says has been holding a mic and other things for a very long time) was also lacking, and that her personality came off as far too restrained. Santino agrees that she seemed “soft-spoken” and lacked confidence.



Raven explains to RuKlum-Seal that her dress is actually sheer, and that the beading serves to cover all the “naughty parts”, making it classy and tacky at the same time. She adds that the dress is actually designed for a real “biological” woman, while Raven is merely a “psychological disorder.” I mean “woman” – she says that she’s a psychological woman. Santino says that her executive look was “the first woman 4-star general,” leading RuKlum-Seal to quip about a 4-star general wearing a pearl necklace. Insert your own pearl necklace joke here. Marissa Jaret Winokur says that Raven’s “backstage” interview was the best in her opinion, calling her both “accessible” and funny, as we cut to a clip of Raven interviewing that “there are no small people – just big bitches.” Insert your own biggest bitch of all joke here. Merle then says that she turned it around on the runway and gave a very heartfelt acceptance speech, which means that she must have been watching a completely different show during the period where Raven was fake-crying and thanking her fans who don’t exist because she’s an intolerable hag. La Ginsberg adds that this display of “the whole spectrum of emotions” from Raven was echoed with the distinctly different and polished looks that she presented. Once again, Merle, I’m sorry –exactly how many different shades of “fake-ass bitch” did you just see? Because I really just saw the one…



RuKlum-Seal does not hesitate in pointing out that Jujubee missed a few steps during the fake awards show opening number, and Juju freely admits that she has “two left feet.” Marissa Jaret Winokur says that she recovered well, however, and “camped it up” so much that she became the star. However, she also says that Jujubee’s Bollywood look is “a costume” and inappropriate for the red carpet. RuKlum-Seal then addresses her acceptance speech, and Jujubee says that everyone knows that her mother is not in her life, apparently, but she still had to thank her for putting her on this earth. Tatum O’Neal says that she sympathizes, obviously, and admires that Jujubee had “the presence of mind” to be so gracious to her own deadbeat parent.



Finally, RuKlum-Seal compliments Tyra on managing to save her knockout red carpet dress until now, and asks if there were any other runways where she considered using the “ice-green” gown. Tyra admits that she was tempted in almost every runway, but says that she believed that when it was time “it would call [her] name.” $10 says the dress is also named “Beyoncé”. Santino says that Tyra was impressive all-around this week and admires her Teen Diva plum cocktail dress, saying that she “knows how to wear clothes.” Yeah, great quality for a model, but questionable requirement for a drag queen. This isn’t fucking America’s Next Top Model, Santino. If I didn’t already suspect his judgment from his inability to get Pandora, I sure as hell would now. Marissa Jaret Winokur also loved her teen look, while Merle loved her acceptance speech (not knowing that among other cheap ploys, Tyra is probably also willing to shill out her son if it will get her a win) and says that she has displayed enormous “growth.” Yeah, growth as the Dick Dastardly of RuPaul’s Drag Race.



The queens are then dismissed to get sloshed while the panel deliberates. RuKlum-Seal says that Tatianna feels “unfinished” and so does her red carpet dress. Santino calls it “too slutty and obvious”, and Tatum O’Neal says that while Tati is “gorgeous,” she doesn’t exhibit the same personality and character as the other queens. RuKlum-Seal offers that Jujubee has an “intellect” that feels “beyond” any of the other queens, but says that her performance-oriented character comes off as a bit “one-dimensional.” However, Marissa Jaret Winokur is like “Oh hell no” in response to that, saying that Jujubee’s only real mistake in this challenge was her Bollywood dress and questioning whether that’s enough to be sent home for.



Tatum O’Neal says that she was “drawn” to Raven, because she seems like someone “who’s worked very hard and who gets it.” If she means that Raven looks like a tranny hooker who’s been ridden up and down the Vegas strip and has gotten at least one social disease, I concur. Merle says that she’s become a bigger fan of Raven over time and that she continues to show the judges more layers of her bitchiness – I mean, “personality” – which basically only amounts to bitchiness, really – as the show goes on. However, Santino points out that while he loves Raven’s “hard edge,” it’s also her biggest weakness. Lastly, Tatum O’Neal loves everything about Tyra except her giveaway manly voice, and Merle reiterates how much she has grown, saying that her acceptance speech was “funnier and softer” than anything else she’s done before. Oh Merle – fake is fake. I know Santino is a lost cause, but don’t make us have to replace your ass too.



RuKlum-Seal then summons the queens back to the main stage, and says that based on CUNT alone, Raven is safe and therefore in the final three. Raven interviews that she appreciates being safe, but she really should have won, which is no different from everything she’s ever said after any main challenge that she did not win. Tyra is declared the winner of the challenge, and is awarded a feature photo spread in Paper magazine. FUCK, WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO FIGURATIVELY KILL THIS BITCH?!!!? WHY. WON’T. YOU. (FIGURATIVELY.) DIE?!!!!!?!?!? Much like Raven, Tyra interviews that she isn’t satisfied with being in the final three and that her goal is to win. And if that happens, I hope a flaming bus crashes into fucking LOGO’s headquarters.



By process of elimination, this leaves Tatianna and Jujubee in the bottom two and thus Lip-Synching For Their Lives. Juju interviews that she is deeply disappointed to be in this position again, while Tatianna says that she isn’t surprised to be here and is just “trying to pull this out.” The song the ladies receive is “Something He Can Feel” by Aretha Franklin, and Jujubee promptly sheds all her jewelry like she’s about to actually get into a physical fight. Tatianna talking heads that she had lyrical issues, saying that the way Aretha sings the song makes it difficult to lip-synch to. The hell? Listen to the song a couple dozen times, learn the words, and just fucking work your jaw a lot like Whitney Houston does – it’s really not that hard. To be fair, both Tati and Juju each have their own set of problems, with Tatianna being several beats behind the lip-synch the way Tyra was earlier and looking poorly dubbed as a result, while Jujubee is once again swallowing her words so that it looks like she’s trying to lip-synch in a wind tunnel.



However, Jujubee falls on the ground and starts flailing about when Aretha hits her runs and high notes, so she winds up Shantéing and Staying for the final three. Well at least she didn’t sell her soul for $3.99 for nothing. RuKlum-Seal then tells Tatianna that she made the competition “Fun, fresh, and young,” and parrots her “Thank you” from her acceptance speech right back at her as a result, with the exact same inflection. It is unintentionally hilarious, and made even more so when Tatianna says “Thank you” right back. RuKlum-Seal then says “Thank you,” a second time, leading Tatianna to say “Thank you” again as well. This goes on twice more, once from each of them, before La Supermodel puts a definite end to it by telling Tati to Sashay Away. As she does so, she takes one last parting shot at Santino by displaying that the underdress of her red carpet gown is “short as hell.” Heh.



Back in the workroom, Tatianna takes a moment to address the people who “didn’t think [she] was `drag enough,’” and says that her being naturally beautiful doesn’t make her any less of a drag queen. She adds that it seemed like some people – RAVEN – were bothered that she didn’t require “pounds of makeup” to be pretty, but that’s her/their problem, and notes that she ended up being one of the top queens of this competition. The final three are then left to do their “Jealous Of My Boogie” line dance for the judges again, but it doesn’t really matter because Jujubee sold her soul, Tyra is still a filthy saboteur who has no honor, and Raven can go back to choking on dicks in a gutter. Your soulless $3.99 ass better win this thing, bitch!