Wednesday, May 5, 2010

RuPaul's Drag Race 2-11 "The Grand Finale"

In which SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!

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Why Do I Watch This? Recap – RuPaul’s Drag Race 2-11 “The Grand Finale” or “The Next Drag Superstar Is In Fact A Lazy Entitled Self-Deluded Good-For-Nothing Beyoncé-Wannabe”




Jewelry, Makeup, And Dozens Of Cartoons Of The Supermodel Of The World Who Appears To Have Lost Her Damn Mind By Allowing Fucking Raven And Tyra To Get This Far In The Competition. The final three queens walk into the workroom crowing about being the final three, and Jujubee takes a gander at Tatianna’s parting lipstick message. He interviews that he saw a lot of potential in Miss Tati, but she “just kind of stopped” in the last challenge. Tyra and Raven then force him to clean off Tatianna’s mirror because he out lip-synched her and because he’s the only one in the room who was friends with her.



Raven then asks how it felt to have to LSFYL three times, and Jujubee replies that he was certain that he was the one going home. They both then quote Juju's fake book title noting that he’s “still here.” Tyra chimes in that if Jujubee had gone home instead of Tatianna, there would have been “no competition” except for him and Raven. Ordinarily I would have had to concede Tyra’s point, but given what is now apparent about how the alleged Next Drag Superstar is crowned on this show, I wonder.



After squeeing some more about making it this far, Raven rehashes how he nearly went home twice, while Jujubee reflects on his three stints in the bottom. Tyra then butts in to say that he thought he was going home “that week when all my bridesmaids fucking jumped on me.” After entertaining a brief moment of composure and a look that screams “Bitch, who you callin’ your bridesmaid?” Jujubee explains that he told Tyra’s bitch ass to get some manners because he did not actually want him to be eliminated while still clueless about how goddamned stupid he was acting. Tyra then points out that he said those things in front of RuKlum-Seal and the panel, “Which made [them] think a completely different thing about [him].” Well, duh, motherfucker – that was the point! Up until that point all the judges ever saw was a pretty, glamorous drag queen that they loved, and they needed to see the reality of what a fucking underhanded, shady assrag you are! Cash that reality check already, dumbass!



Diplomatically, Jujubee just offers that now the judges see how Tyra has “grown” (from being an obvious saboteur into a much stealthier one who resorts to kiss-of-death striped dresses, fake twisted ankles, and parading his son around for sympathy, that is) and that he actually did him a favor. The sad thing is that since Tyra now has a one in three chance of clinching this, Juju is probably right about that. The last She Mail alert then goes off, and Max Headroom!RuPaul drops “shoulder pads”, “Dynasty”, and “The Real Housewives” franchise as clues to the final challenge.



Then, same as last year, Santino (whom I now spit on) and Merle enter the workroom via RuGunn’s stairs to deliver the instructions for the queens’ last challenge. Jujubee talking heads that he was wondering what the fuck these two chuckleheads were doing here, as Santino explains that La Supermodel is currently preparing for the final challenge herself. He then tells the queens that, again just like last year, they will be guest-starring in a RuPaul music video – that being “Jealous Of My Boogie”, in which they will stage a cinematic catfight. Merle adds that choreographer Ryan Heffington returns this season to teach the queens how to “fight-dance,” and Santino says that they will also each be filmed doing a dramatic reading with RuPaul directed by idiotically named and costumed Mathoo Andersen, who is apparently also a director in addition to being Ru’s personal makeup guru. I’m starting to think RuPaul was able to increase the budget for the show so much this season by just handing out jobs to members of her posse. Maybe we will end up seeing her personal tucker on the final judging panel after all.



Anyway, Merle says that a third component of the final challenge will be to consult with the surprisingly hilarious Robert Verdi (because like Bravo, Logo is hardly afraid of shameless cross-promotion) to create two looks inspired by “’80s power bitch fashion.” Santino totally cue-cards that the queens must show the judges all of their CUNT for this one, and Merle tells them to start their engines. However, the fashionistas make their exit by commanding the queens not to fuck up rather than wishing for the best woman to win. Because quite frankly the best woman got sent home two episodes ago, and Entertainment Weekly knows it. Raven and Jujubee proceed to squee about being in one of RuPaul’s videos, while Tyra just smiles and silently bashes La Supermodel because she’s not Beyoncé.



Later on the main stage, that hairy drag queen-wannabe Ryan Heffington greets the queens while dressed in a homemade Cabaret costume consisting of a mesh tank top, garter belts, and a black sequined skort. If I remember correctly, he also had that fucked up ‘80s crimped topknot ponytail last year too. In any case, the Cabaret Troll interviews that the choreography he will be teaching the queens is based on the campy catfights of dramas past, a la Dynasty, and says that they will have to vamp their little hearts out. He proceeds to instruct them in sashaying down the catwalk even more flamboyantly than before, and Raven talking-heads that the Troll is very “high-octane.” Jujubee likewise interviews that the Cabaret Troll is “the tiniest little fiercest little white man in the world.”



As time goes on, Raven appears to be having issues learning the choreography, which the Troll interviews could be an issue, while Tyra once again affects his immobilized bored learning pose. He then has the nerve to yawn, and the Cabaret Troll calls him “very monotone with [his] attitude” and tells him to go bigger on the stage and not to fake it. Oh how funny – he doesn’t know that faking it is how Tyra has won so much shit in this competition. Everyone then switches gears to the choreography of the catfight itself, with the queens being taught how to theatrically slap each other and snatch each other’s wigs off. Jujubee talking heads that he hopes those other two bitches don’t gouge out his eyes – remember that; it will be important later – and says that they were really schooled in how to make their pretend fight look real. The Cabaret Troll interviews that Jujubee’s acting seemed to be the strongest of the three, while Raven interviews that he got really nervous because he was the only one not “nailing it.”



The final three then return to the workroom armed with what I presume are pink copies of their dramatic script, and Jujubee squees about how fierce he feels. He asks the others if they ever thought that they would grow up to be in one of RuPaul’s videos, and they reply that they certainly did not. Juju then says that he would never have guessed it either, as like all Asians he spent his childhood believing that he’d grow up to be a doctor. Believe me, that is a universal truth for us. They spend the rest of the time running lines with each other, coaching each other on their delivery, practicing slapping each other, rehearsing their choreography again, and getting ready to have “lunch” with RuPaul. Oh I hope she serves them Tic Tacs again.



Tyra is the first up to sit at table with RuPaul, and sure enough she serves up orange Tic Tacs from a crystal platter filled with the mints using salad tongs. Snerk. So much of this finale is conceptually identical to last year, but that shit is still funny. La Supermodel proceeds to ask Tyra what the hardest part of the competition has been for him. The bidouche replies that he’s found it hard to stay focused (on coming up with new ways to undercut the other queens and not get caught) and “not worry so much” about his son. He goes on to say that he prays constantly for his son and cries, because he feels that “God is listening.” I realize that that was probably meant to sound very religious and spiritual on Tyra’s part and it very well might be, but it also came out sounding terrifically conceited. “God is listening to my prayers, and so I weep for myself. With one arm thrown over my face in a perfect theatrical swoon.”



Anysnooch, Tyra says that he held “it” in for a long time, and as a result he became really angry with the world. RuPaul Yodas that anger is usually a symptom of fear and asks him what he’s been so afraid of, and Tyra says that he fears losing his son. And the ridiculous amounts of sympathy he’s gotten from the judges for trotting him out at convenient moments like this, I’m sure. He talking heads that he wants to be a better father to Jeremiah, and in real-time tells RuPaul that he’s been kicked out of his parents’ house, and had to live and try to raise his son on his own. Winning this competition would therefore give him the opportunity to make “a fresh start” and help him set up a better life for his child. And really, at this point I wouldn’t question Tyra’s sincerity half as much if his face actually looked like he meant any of it, instead of wearing this cultist-like expression that is simultaneously glazed and inquisitive about whether or not RuPaul is buying it. He finishes by interviewing that he has come to see Ru as his drag mother, which must be fabulous for his actual drag mother to hear. But more on that later.



Workroom. The amusing Robert Verdi has come to see Jujubee first to pick out his ‘80s power bitch clothes, and Juju interviews that he was really handsome and smelled good. I realize that you probably always want to have people say those things about you, rather than the opposite, but it always strikes me as an odd thing to say when the first compliment out of someone’s mouth is about how you smell. I certainly don’t take a big whiff of someone when I first meet them; it strikes me as such a weirdly doglike thing to do. And, great – now I’m going to run around the rest of the week with mental images of Jujubee sniffing people’s butts. Robert Verdi asks if Juju is familiar with any of the “dramatic, fabulous women of the ‘80s” he’s supposed to be channeling, and Jujubee (born in 1984) admits that he is not. Robert Verdi, whose birth year is a lot further in the past than 1984, swears and examines Jujubee’s first choice of a hard pink skirt overwrought with appliqués and a matching fur jacket. He tells the queen that the look is “more Ringling Bros. than ‘80s”, and Juju talking heads that he feels completely lost right now.



Next up at the Tic Tac Smorgasbord is Raven, whom RuPaul asks about being sequestered the way the queens have been throughout the competition. Raven replies that while he speaks to his father several times a month, he’s never gone this long without being able to speak to his mother (God bless her for being able to put up with such an atrocious twat, because if his sainted description of her has any truth to it, I don’t think he learned how to be such an intolerable bitchstick from her). RuPaul clarifies that his parents are not together, leading Raven to reveal that they divorced when he was seven. La Supermodel shares that her parents also split up when she was seven, and she thinks that’s what led to her becoming an entertainer. Raven, for his part, has come to see his mother as his “golden Oscar statue” as a result of his parents’ separation. I’m sure that was meant as some sort of compliment to Mama Raven, but all it does is present a visual of Raven’s mother gathering dust on his mantle and being trotted out for visitors every now and then. Raven elaborates that seeing what the divorce did to his mother made him swear never to do that to anyone in his life. However, he has also found himself playing his mother’s role in his romantic relationships, being hurt and left by people he cared very deeply about. Oh, if only I was an actual psychologist instead of just an armchair psychologist – I could have a field day in papers writing about what a headcase Raven is.



Anyway, RuPaul advises Raven that “expectations lead to resentments,” and that it’s better to allow people in a relationship to just be themselves. Raven then interviews that he really enjoyed being able to chat with La Supermodel and have it be “about [him]” rather than shop talk about being a drag queen. Again, I get what Raven is saying and it’s completely normal for people to want to talk about themselves when it comes to personality introspection like this, but it still just sounds so douchey coming out of him. Because when it comes to Raven, everything is about Raven – specifically how much better Raven is than pretty much anyone he meets, so much so that everyone else in the world should just stop living and be done with it. Raven ends the lunch by taking his single Tic Tac with him as a doggie bag, to RuPaul’s endless amusement.



The Robert Verdi Workroom. The amusing monkey is now working with Tyra and asks what her personality is like. Tyra proceeds to describe his character as “sophisticated and glamorous,” and Robert Verdi advises him that as an “’80s vixen”-to-be, he needs to make sure that his looks incorporate the appropriate sharp shoulders, minimalist waistlines, and “some bling.” His words, however, appear to be going in one of Tyra’s ears and out the other, as the bidouche interviews that he has little to no idea what the ‘80s were all about since he was born in 1988. Wisely, Robert Verdi tells Tyra to do some research in preparing his looks, because RuPaul “draws inspiration from the most incredible women in history” and will be expecting him to be able to do the same.



Finally, Jujubee joins RuPaul for Tic Tacs, and has two pellets while Ru (who is on a diet) only takes one. She proceeds to grill him about his three stints in the bottom two, and Jujubee compares it to being on the proverbial bottom of life while growing up. It’s kind of a clumsy transition, but this is the time to woo RuPaul with your most visceral sob story after all, so it’s not like I can fault Juju for heading straight for the heart of the matter. He tells RuPaul that as a child he would answer to “faggot” because he didn’t think there was any way for him to stop the name-calling until he was much older. La Supermodel then asks what he thinks his late father would say about his performance thus far, and Juju says that he would undoubtedly tell him to “go for it” and would be so thrilled to see Jujubee become a star. He then talking heads that he let out things in his conversation with RuPaul that he really never talks about with anyone, and that it was incredibly liberating to have her listen to him pouring his guts out.



Finally again, Raven meets with Robert Verdi, who asks if he, like his fellow competitors, is also totally clueless about the ‘80s. Being 30, Raven is able to successfully reference the Carringtons of Dynasty as a challenge guideline, and the amusing fashion monkey is visibly relieved. He tells Raven that being the oldest one left in the competition, he might have a significant advantage over Jujubee and Tyra because he is more “in tune” with the decade in question. Raven interviews that if one wants to have “longevity” as a drag queen, “you need to know a little bit about everything.” Like things that don’t necessarily involve Beyoncé. TYRA!



Gluing, Strapping, And Spraying. Sometime later, the queens have gotten into the first of their ‘80s vixen looks, with Raven dressed as Lady Gaga in a silver and black Dynasty-inspired sleeveless dress, Jujubee in an outfit completely made of sequins with various blocks of color and looking like Lark Voorhies in Saved By The Bell, and Tyra in an electrum sequined dress with Diana Ross hair. Raven loses her shit laughing as Juju practices working her doubled shoulder pads, while Tyra questions polishing her nails. And scene.



Cut To: The Makeshift Dramatic Set, where RuPaul (in a lavender parachute jumpsuit) is preparing herself in front of a mirror while her makeup bitch-cum hack director Mathoo Andersen bellows that it’s time to “make movies.” Raven is out first, and appears to require a lot of direction from Mathoo and hasn’t memorized her lines completely. Eventually, the scene proceeds with Raven confronting Ru in some sort of backstage scenario. RuPaul informs Raven that it’s “against the rules” for them to meet before the show like this, prompting Raven to hiss about how she’s had it with all of the rules, the challenges, and the fucking show itself. Mathoo calls cut and advises Raven to put more “rollercoaster” in her delivery, which is a lot more astute direction that I would have given him credit for. Raven manages to put one large hill in her rollercoaster, and then demands “What about Raven?!?



Mathoo interviews that Raven didn’t really wow him at first, but admits that she took direction well and ended her session much better than she began it. The real-time filming of the dramatic sequence then resumes, with a replay montage of RuPaul bitch-slapping Raven. Pause, rewind, play. Pause, rewind, play. Pause, rewind, slow-forward. It’s totally fun to watch, but we all know that Tyra is the one who desperately needs to be bitch-slapped by La Supermodel, so watching it happen to Raven is more of a consolation prize really.



Speaking of which, Tyra then takes her turn in front of Mathoo’s camera, and immediately the makeup bitch/hack director doesn’t care for her monotone delivery. He instructs her to be “more seductive,” which is a strange thing to ask of a scene that isn’t intended to be about ki-ki and makes me think twice about how perceptive a director Mathoo is. We then cut to the “What about Tyra?!?” portion of the scene and the first glorious bitch-slap, and Tyra is blinking far too much. It’s like she’s using her eyelids to deliver a subliminal message to RuPaul in Morse Code, telling her “Pick. Tyra. Pick. Tyra. Pick. Tyra,” over and over again. This does not bode well.



Anysnooch, Mathoo cuts again after the first bitch-slap and tells Tyra that she should act more “hurt” when she experiences RuPaul’s mighty pimp hand. However, his thick English accent makes her mishear him as wanting her to act more “hood”. The misunderstanding is quickly cleared up without any embarrassing incidents, but it does make Mathoo and Ru think twice about actually playing the scene more “hood”-like. Subsequently, Tyra weaves her neck around in her next take as she demands to know “What about me?” La Supermodel then slaps her and weaves her own neck around as she tells Tyra that she “betta pull yo’self togetha.” Tyra just tosses her enormous wig and says that Ru is “just jealous of [her] boogie.” In response, RuPaul just cackles as she does, because the “hood” take is entertaining enough to make her break character. Then she turns right around and slaps Tyra down again, revealing that that was all part of the scene. Mathoo giggles with delight.



Okay, I admit that that idea had some merit. But I too grew up in the ‘hood, and I have to say they were seriously downplaying it. What should have happened was:



TYRA [weaving her neck on every syllable]: Heifer!



RUPAUL [weaving her neck on every syllable]: What ‘chu call me, bitch?



TYRA: I got sumpin’ to say to you, Miss Thang.



RUPAUL: You betta back on up, little girl; this ain’t right, you seein’ me befo’ the show.



TYRA [getting all up in her grille]: Well fuck that! Because, bitch, I am sick of yo’ rules, I am sick of yo’ challenges, and I am damn sick of this whole show!



[RuPaul bitch-slaps Tyra, knocking her down. Briefly stunned, Tyra gets back up and weaves her face back into Ru’s grille.]



TYRA: We all been knowin’…that you are just jealous. Of my. Boogie.



[RuPaul pulls a face and then tells Tyra to talk to the hand.]



RUPAUL [psshes]: Oh hell to the naw!



[RuPaul then backhands Tyra across the room before pulling a Glock out of her waistband and capping her ass with three shots, holding the gun in horizontal Hollywood shooting fashion. After several more beats to catch her breath, she then puts the gun back into her waistband and starts to walk away. However, she quickly turns back, runs over, and bitch-slaps Tyra’s body one last time.]



And scene. Because that is how it happens in the ghetto. Just be thankful I left out the part where Ru would snatch Tyra’s weave off her head and rip her earrings out of her ears, and Ru’s entourage would drive past Tyra’s body in a car jumping on hydraulics to riddle her with AK-47s before tossing a child’s shoe onto the corpse to let folks know exactly which gang was responsible.



Innyway, Jujubee is the last to film, and Mathoo greets her as a “gorgeous little shoulder-padded monster.” I don’t know why, other than it came out of Mathoo’s mouth and just about everything he says or does is patently ridiculous, but that didn’t sound right. Then again, I have an ongoing problem with white guys talking to other people as if they were addressing a pet instead of a human being. Jujubee talking heads that he majored in theatre and is totally confident about his potential performance. Of course, he said much the same thing about his ability to sing, and we all know how that turned out. DO NOT fuck this up, Juju – you’re the only decent one left! If you don’t win, the whole season is shit and Raven will be right!



In any case, Jujubee not only makes the most dramatic entrance, but totally (though inadvertently) threatens RuPaul with her fake nails and goes into complete Sally Field mode, breaking down into hysterical crying as she demands “What about me? WHAT ABOUT JUJUBEE?!!!?” Then Ru bitch-slaps her, albeit with visible reluctance because her scene partner is clearly overdoing her patheticness here, and Juju crumples sobbing on the ground like a battered housewife in a Lifetime movie. Mathoo bursts out laughing behind the camera, and interviews that Jujubee absolutely brought it. Although now I'm a little disappointed that Juju wasn't in a wire harness so that when she got bitch-slapped, she could be yanked backwards through a breakaway wall to make it look like RuPaul had super strength. She's Asian - wire work would be appropriate. Anyway, she proceeds to howl that Ru is jealous of her boogie, and Mathoo voiceovers that she’s “a drag clown.” Firstly , I am reminded once again that so much of what has happened on this show has been a waste since Pandora left. And secondly, I’m not sure how beneficial it is at this point in the competition for Juju to have inherited the moniker of “drag clown.”



At length, Mathoo asks Jujubee to do one more take, presumably playing a little less touched in the head this time (but not by much). This leads to Juju’s own bitch-slapping montage, in the spirit of fairness to the other two hated queens, though RuPaul still visibly hesitates before displaying how strong her pimp hand is.



Workroom. The queens return from filming to change into their dancing outfits, and Jujubee interviews that they will now be shooting the “dance routine” for the “Jealous Of My Boogie” video. Raven and Jujubee both don black catsuits (with Raven’s being sleeveless), and Juju squees that she feels like Lucy Liu. She also adds to her interview that while she and Raven were dressed and ready fairly quickly, the Tytrannysaurus had to go through every damn piece in her wardrobe while complaining about the provided clothing (from which they must construct their dance routine looks, apparently) not being in her size. Raven talking heads that Tyra is full of shit because there were plenty of pieces that fit her, and Tyra is only slightly taller than she is.



Tyra, meanwhile, interviews that she had “so much to choose from” that she had trouble picking out an outfit that would “top” everything that she’s worn so far. Excuses, excuses. In the end, she tells Raven that “they didn’t have clothes that fit” her, and now she doesn’t feel pretty. Can we bring RuPaul back in to bitch-slap her one more time, please? Or pistol-whip her with that Glock I suggested?



Stage. Cabaret Troll Ryan Heffington and Mathoo are both behind the camera as the queens circle each other and dance out onto the runway to the music. Raven appears to be just half a beat behind during the synchronized portions of the dance. The staged catfight then begins, and Tyra (who has finally settled on a black cocktail dress with fishnets) interviews that they were instructed to “make it real” and she is striving to do so. She cites that “in a real fight” one would not hold back to save an opponent’s pretty face, which she uses to justify how she goes about snatching Raven’s wig off. Twice. Jujubee points this out in her own talking head, while Tyra huffs that her wig “was pinned on right” because she knew they would be doing this scene for the video and therefore it’s Raven’s fault that her wig got snatched off her head twice.



And then the queens get to a point where Raven is being pinned to the floor on her stomach, with Jujubee above her and Tyra bearing down on Jujubee. Tyra proceeds to push Juju’s face into Raven’s heels (which are kicking up from the floor) and gets Juju jabbed in the eye by a stiletto. Mathoo stops rolling so that Tyra and Raven can examine Jujubee, and he offers to wait until she’s okay. However, Jujubee says that as long as she looks fine, she’s willing to keep going. Raven then complains about having makeup sideswiped off her face, while Tyra just giggles that she and Juju “got they ass whupped” by her. And it is at this point that I have no fucking idea why RuPaul doesn’t stride in and declare Jujubee the winner and disqualify Tyra for trying to play off unnecessary roughness. Once again, this is one of those “Oh hell to the naw!” moments that require Tyra to be bitch-slapped and pistol-whipped across the room. Because in the real ghetto, wherein Tyra would be having these real fights she’s trying to justify her shit with, a bitch like Tyra would get shanked for what she just did.



Afterwards, the queens return to the workroom, and Jujubee reveals that her eyelid actually has a cut that is swelling up and bruising because of Tyra’s shenanigans. With the aid of cover-up and antibacterial ointment, however, she is good to go again and changes into a pink kimono dress and go-go thigh-high boots for the next scene. Raven, however, tells her that it looks more ‘70s than ‘80s, and reiterates that both Jujubee and Tyra don’t know enough about the decade or Dynasty. For her part, Raven dons a very Nina Flowers-esque curly mohawk wig with a metallic bustier and a black and gold sequined bolero jacket, claiming that she is trying to channel “Kelly LeBrock, Lisa Lisa [& Cult Jam, who provided the hair], and Teena Marie.”



Jujubee (who has settled on a silver quilted jacket with an enormous black belt and a blonde modern era Whitney Houston wig) talking heads that ‘80s fashion is “tacky, [with] huge-ass shoulder pads, big, unruly, ugly hair, really tiny waists, and fat asses.” I don’t know that most of that is necessarily ‘80s fashion so much as it is puerca fashion, so this really just feels more like Juju straying towards that dangerous borderline of fucking it up again. Meanwhile, that bitchmonster Tyra has augmented a purple cocktail dress with a dark bolero jacket with a bow motif and a strawberry wig that has been teased to death, voiceovering that she’s chosen to channel the ‘80s with “big hair, chandelier earrings, and Lite-Brite colors.” Of course, she has neglected to wear anything in the way of Lite-Brite colors, so I don’t see how that voiceover is anything but a shot in her foot. Jujubee says that she looks like she’s off to the prom.



When the queens get back in front of Mathoo’s camera, Jujubee has added her enormous pink fur stole (from the non-Robert Verdi-approved circus outfit) to her ensemble. Also, Mathoo informs them that they will be “sharing the same space” in front of vanity mirrors in this scene, and instructs them to each write “NO” in lipstick on the mirrors to mimic the lyrics of the song. The makeup bitch-cum-hack director then starts rolling, with the queens dusting themselves with makeup brushes in front of the mirror. Raven interviews that he was trying to do his best Michelle Pfeiffer impression, while Tyra interviews that she should win the competition because she has “worked so much harder [at sabotaging and fighting the other contestants. Did I mention I have a son?]” For her part, Jujubee talking heads that she just tried to have fun and was reminded of singing into a hairbrush in the mirror as a child. “Every boy in America sings in front of the mirror to RuPaul; you didn’t know that?” she says. Hee.



Makeup And Bling. The final three return to the workroom the next day for the final day of the competition. Raven and Jujubee vacillate between being nervous and having totally expected to make it at least this far, and then imagine what it would be like to win while doing their makeup. Jujubee says that a win would “gag” a lot of people who didn’t believe in him – a byproduct of winning that greatly interests Raven. Of course. The ornery drag emu bitches that people have called him “boring” because he doesn’t sing or dance, but maintains that he is still “fierce at what [he does],” so they can all suck it. Firstly, I have called Raven many things throughout this season, but one word I would never use to describe him is “boring.” “Awful,” maybe, but certainly never boring. And second, how awesome is it, really, when your special talent is to be fierce at being a nasty psycho bitch? Unless you are also a misanthropic piece of human filth with severe behavioral problems that need to be whipped out of you with a switch by a large elderly black woman, that is not a talent and definitely not something for other people to admire and emulate about you. Shut up, Raven.



Jujubee then asks how winning would change Tyra’s life, other than also validating a show of misbehavior that is arguably worse than Raven’s. Tyra replies that he would actually be able to afford “a place to stay” if he won, as well as get custody of his son (and has he mentioned that he’s a poor, pitiable, put-upon father lately? FEEL SORRY FOR HIM! NOW!!! RAWR!). He then explains that he’s currently sleeping on his drag mother’s living room couch, and interviews that he doesn’t dare go home without winning because he’s basically homeless and broke. Except for the ridiculous amounts of jewelry and expensive wigs and his collection of fucking opulent cocktail dresses and evening gowns. If all that shit is either borrowed and/or gifted from Tyra’s drag mother, then she must be the second richest and most successful drag queen after RuPaul herself.



In conclusion, Juju asks if the others are nervous, and both Raven and Tyra admit that they are. Jujubee, however, says that he isn’t, even though he knows that it would be normal if he was. Rather, he says that he’s simply “ready” – perhaps because he has a sneaking suspicion that at least he is about to get screwed over big time.



Runway Stage. RuKlum-Seal makes her final grand entrance of the season in a peridot evening gown that appears to be made of giant plastic sequins from the Party Store, with a matching headpiece in her side-swept blonde bouffant wig. I’m already imagining how this dress was conceived: “Who says too many sequins are a bad thing? There’s no such thing as too many sequins! In fact, the only thing better than too many sequins would be too many giant sequins! I can see it now – an entire dress made of giant sequins! RuKlum-Seal proceeds to say hi to Merle and grody-ass, completely-disconnected-from-drag-queen-reality Santino and explains that because they know the queens better than anyone except her, there will be no guest judges for the finale. Engines. Winning.



Jujubee is out first in a rather flat wig and a cocktail dress in two shades of purple with a donut skirt similar to that of Morgan McSkullhead’s [wedding dress]. She voiceovers that she was totally in love with her look, and Santino and RuKlum-Seal creep everyone the fuck out by encouraging Juju to touch herself all over onstage. I think I’m starting to see why Santino was always such a huge fan of Jujubee and horrible to Pandora; he clearly didn’t want to stick it in Pandora’s mussy. Just because this is a drag competition does not make salacious pageant judges okay, okay? Of course, Jujubee doesn’t help anything by flipping her donut up at the panel to show off her tiger-striped panties, which RuKlum-Seal quips that she seems to have had “bronzed.” Perhaps while she was aware of how much Santino has wanted to do the dirty-dirty with her all these months and how that could help her on the runway, Juju also wanted to have a chastity belt on hand just in case.



Raven has taken a cue from Cabaret Troll Ryan Heffington and turns out a tightly corseted number with hourglass ruffles at the skirt and bustline and thigh-high pleather boots, along with her short black wig. Sure enough, RuKlum-Seal calls the look “Cabaret 2010”, and Raven voiceovers that she too is in love with her look, saying that it’s exactly how she wanted to present herself.



Finally, Tyra hits the catwalk in what has to be the worst and fakest-looking wig in her entire collection, along with a sea green antique bathing costume complete with removable pink and seafoam butt cape and heels in a seriously tacky shade of key lime pie green. Seriously, it looks like this is the first thing she ever sewed herself. You see guys, it’s things like this that allow the conspiracy theorists to cry “FIX!” because what competing drag queen in their right mind would choose an outfit like this for the final challenge unless they were already assured of victory? I mean, come on – Tyra’s waitress/farm hoochie country outfit was classier than this. Hell, her *burlesque* outfit was classier than this! Sure enough, RuKlum-Seal is in love with the look, calling it “Mahogany”, while Tyra just interviews that she is still really nervous, but mindful that she has a one in three chance of winning. Santino and RuKlum-Seal declare that she belongs poolside at the Beverly Hills Hotel, and RuKlum-Seal says that she should “dive into the deep end.” I still say she should take a long walk off a short pier instead.



Afterwards, all three queens are assembled on the catwalk for individual critiques, and RuKlum-Seal asks which of them has the CUNT to be the next drag superstar. The answer is clearly Jujubee, but CUNT alone is obviously not what RuKlum-Seal is looking for, otherwise what are those other two fuckers doing here?



We are then treated to highlights from Juju’s dancing, makeup mirror lip-synch, and the one dramatic scene take in which she does not fall down like a battered woman in a Lifetime movie. The fact that they did not show her so-bad-that-it’s-hilarious falling down episodes at all is probably a good indication that they’re not setting her up for a winner’s edit. Suck! When asked, Jujubee admits that the most difficult part of the acting challenge for her was trying not to step into Ru’s light. RuKlum-Seal titters that she made a point to keep all of the queens well clear of her light. Merle, who once again gets it unlike Santino, says that in any other production Juju would have been overacting, but was right on the money for a melodramatic Dynasty-inspired slap fest. Santino then says that her purple donut dress was the wrong choice for the finale, and Merle confesses that the star-shaped costume necklace Juju is wearing cheapens the appearance of her outfit.



The panel then turns to Tyra in her embarrassingly fake wig and home-sewn bathing costume, and takes a gander at footage of her snatching off Raven’s wig and a decidedly non-hood take of the dramatic bitch-slap. RuKlum-Seal then addresses the fight, but says that Tyra was simply “rough” and that she couldn’t take her eyes off of her while she was blatantly injuring Jujubee and Raven. Tyra reiterates her excuse that real girl fights don’t involve people holding back. Bitch, if you were in a real fight your ass would be in traction, so don’t try and trot out that “I was trying to be real” bullshit to cover up that you don’t know how to act right. To what little credit she has left, RuKlum-Seal points out that Tyra snatched Raven’s wig off, leading Tyra to whine that she “didn’t do it intentionally.” “You didn’t do it intentionally TWICE?” RuKlum-Seal pointedly asks, but the bidouche just giggles into her hands. Santino then says that he thinks her look is “stunning” and he loves it, proving once and for all that is a tool with no taste whatsoever. RuKlum-Seal closes by asking if Tyra will let her son watch this show, and Tyra tells her that she will but only when she’s there and she can explain to him why daddy was such a rude, classless beeyotch. And also so that she can explain to Jeremiah what she does for a living. You know. Whatever.



Finally we see Raven dancing onstage dressed like a drag version of Natasha from The Rocky & Bullwinkle Show, spanking Jujubee and Tyra after getting her wig snatched off (twice!), being Kelisa-Lisa LeBrock in the makeup mirror, and dressing up as Dynasty!Lady Gaga and getting bitch-slapped by RuPaul. If nothing else, Ru looked like she enjoyed bitch-slapping Raven more than either of the other girls. Ordinarily I’d call that fitting, but Tyra crossed physical boundaries and turned out a shitty runway outfit, which is several orders of magnitude more slap-worthy than almost everything that has come out of Raven’s mouth during this whole competition. Anyway, RuKlum-Seal asks what Raven found hardest about the acting challenge, and Raven admits that it was difficult to have to look at Ru up close and not be starstruck. Merle adores her look because it’s the opposite of the pinkish expectations one normally has for ruffles and organza. However, Santino says that she was overshadowed by Tyra a lot during the staged fight scene that Tyra decided shouldn’t be staged at all. Raven replies (in an effort to make a point, I would hope) that she didn’t want to actually hurt anyone, and getting any more physical in that situation would have been going overboard. TYRA. Santino then turns around and tells Raven that her ‘80s look was perfect and a masterful send-up of Kelly LeBrock.



RuKlum-Seal then dismisses the queens so that the panel can deliberate. She says that Jujubee definitely has “star quality,” but Merle argues that she seemed a little like “a tourist” in comparison to Raven and Tyra, saying that her fashion and beauty “iconography” isn’t up to par with theirs. La Supermodel reminds them that Juju aced the fake book challenge and calls her the “most intelligent of all the girls,” but Merle says that Tyra is “incredibly intelligent” as well.



Now by itself and without explanation, that makes Merle Ginsberg sounds like she took a triple dose of whatever illegal substances Santino is hooked on and has been giving RuPaul during this entire competition to favor fucking Tyra, and has thus left her more completely divorced from reality than either of the other two judges. However, I suspect that in this context Merle is equating “savviness” with a kind of intelligence, and if nothing else Tyra is extremely savvy – what else can you call someone who can manipulate panel after panel of judges with her beauty and sob stories about her son and get away with physical violence, sabotage, and wearing shit during the final runway presentation by giggling it off?



RuKlum-Seal then turns to the topic of Tyra and says that she is “not polished” and very “hood” and “street”, but says that she is in love with her having mastered such “old-school tricks” on the runway. If you mean how Tyra has mastered putting up a front when it comes time to face the judges’ panel and tripping up the other queens whenever she thinks she can get away with it, then sure, that’s a fair observation. La Supermodel also adores Tyra’s willingness to snatch wigs, calling it an assertion of her star power. Barf. Santino says that he loves abrasive egotists who think they’re the shit and force it upon everyone they can, because he’s the same kind of jackass, and says that both Tyra and Raven fit that bill. God I wish I could set him on fire. Not lethally, but just ignite one of his stupid hats and dangle a fire extinguisher on a string and make him run around for it.



Finally, Merle calls Raven’s bitchy personality “interesting and complex,” while Santino admires that she’s been able to become such a runway chameleon. RuKlum-Seal calls her the most fashion-forward of the girls, and all three judges agree that she has undeniable star quality. However, Ru admits that she has yet to make a final decision, and calls the queens back so that she can have one last LSFYL to make up her mind.



When the queens return to the runway, and RuKlum-Seal wishes them all the best in their future careers. Raven interviews that it feels like she’s up at judges’ table with a shotgun and is ready to pick off two of them and declare the last one the winner. If that didn’t mean that Jujubee had a one in three chance of being blown to Hell, I’d almost demand that be how this year’s winner should be crowned. RuKlum-Seal tells Jujubee that she is “the [only] light” of this competition and an undeniable star, but not the winner. Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Juju is then told to Sashay Away, and voiceovers that she’s just disappointed and not bitter. Back in the workroom, she says that she’s proud of what she’s done and that she’ll have her turn at the top.



And then this show became completely irrelevant and unpalatable to watch, so that’s it. The End! Or, you know, that’s how this recap would end if I didn’t have the completionist work ethic that I have. Raven and Tyra must now Lip Synch For Their Lives to “Jealous Of My Boogie” in order to decide the winner, and Tyra interviews that she’s nervous as hell because she’s never had to LSFYL before. Raven, meanwhile, weaves her neck around in her talking head and says that she’s ready to win this shit. The fact that I’ve actually been put in the position of rooting for Raven is just travesty icing on this nasty-ass travesty cake.



So Raven starts dancing around while Tyra just spins around with her stupid cape. Tyra then proceeds to make goo-goo eyes at the judges and bend over backwards, while Raven bends the opposite way to show off her ass. After getting back up, Tyra gets off the stage and goes right up to the judges’ table to make goo-goo eyes at them, which will probably net her the fucking crown the way this shit is going. Finally the song reaches its breakdown point, and Raven drops onto her back while Tyra continues to show no originality whatsoever and does a Fucking Split-Jump.



In the end, Lazy Entitled Self-Deluded Good-For-Nothing Beyoncé-Wannabe motherfucking Tyra is declared the winner. BuuuuuuuuuuulllllllllSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT. Tyra responds by collapsing onstage and sobbing, and Raven asks for a medic because the bidouche (is probably overdoing it even more than she has already by fucking acting like she) can’t breathe. Tyra’s fake-ass wig falls off as she rolls onto her back and clutches at her head, while RuKlum-Seal asks if she needs water or a paper bag. Tyra interviews (with a big smile on her face that makes her story completely unbelievable) that she had an “out-of-body experience and forgot to breathe.”



Eventually, though, Tyra gets her wig back on and returns to normal, with no show of having received any medical attention whatsoever, so I call bullshit even harder than I did the first time. Bitch, you already won – you don’t need to be fake to garner sympathy anymore! RuKlum-Seal tells Raven that she is “unforgettable” and then to Sashay Away. Raven says that she’s proud to have come in second out of 12 people, and that she’s off to do I don’t give a shit. La Supermodel then pins the Drag Race crown to Tyra’s wig, making it look even more fake than it did in the first place, and Merle and Santino are the only people in the world clapping right now. Tyra proceeds to take her victory walk and interview about how this will change her and her son’s lives, and now I’ve really had it with this shit and don’t give a damn anymore. RuKlum-Seal, you made some wrong damn choices and have disappointed the world beyond measure. Congratulations – you fucked it up! ASAYEEEE!

2 comments:

  1. Honestly, all three final runway looks were really disappointing. I just don't know why poor Juju was the only one to get called on it (or rather, I do, but wish I didn't). Still, for all Raven's ranting in Untucked about Tatianna's penchant for tube dresses.... *giggle*

    I was actually surprised by Tyra's lipsynch. Not by the kissing up (which is simply Tyra's MO by this point), but just by the fact that it didn't entirely suck. Especially given that, in two prior challenges that required any kind of performance talent beyond runway modeling (Snatch Game and Rocker Chicks), she bombed (Disco Shortenin' Commercial doesn't count because all she did there was have a deep voice and pretend to sleep, which is really just her being herself.)

    Of course, that line of thought got me to thinking: isn't it really, REALLY lucky for her that she bombed so badly on weeks she HAPPENED to have immunity? Or did she deliberately give a poor showing so as to appear less threatening? (We know she'd go there: she admitted in the Reunion that she had never had any intention of wearing the Muppet Hide Dress.) So now I have this image in my head of Tyra not as lazy and undeserving, but as some sort of cunning, calculating queen, who arranged to win the race in a massive Xanatos Gambit.

    I have GOT to find a better hobby. Or at least the next show where Jessica and/or Pandora are playing near me.

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  2. Honestly, all three final runway looks were really disappointing. I just don't know why poor Juju was the only one to get called on it (or rather, I do, but wish I didn't).

    Eh, I saw both Jujubee's and Raven's final looks as very typical Jujubee and Raven. Tyra, on the other hand, had a penchant for wearing fairly expensive-looking and extravagant outfits for most of the competition, and her antique bathing costume was nothing like that. But of course, I can cry bullshit till I'm blue in the face for all the good it would do. :/

    Of course, that line of thought got me to thinking: isn't it really, REALLY lucky for her that she bombed so badly on weeks she HAPPENED to have immunity? ...So now I have this image in my head of Tyra not as lazy and undeserving, but as some sort of cunning, calculating queen, who arranged to win the race in a massive Xanatos Gambit.


    Please - Tyra wouldn't even know what a gambit was, let alone Xanatos. It has nothing to do with Beyoncé, after all.

    I believe that Tyra is both lazy and undeserving *and* cunning and calculating. As you said, kissing up is her MO, and whatever time she spent not sabotaging people in the workroom was spent giving the judging panel exactly what they wanted. She's not conventionally intelligent at all, judging from what we saw on the show and how she expresses herself, but she definitely knows how to manipulate the people in charge to get what she wants.

    Not necessarily in a Xanatos-esque puppeteer methodology, mind, but rather in the sort of "Aren't I cute? Yes I am, now give me what I want" childish and simplistic manipulation that comes with having grown up with a pretty face.

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