In which we learn why Sonique had such a discontented stinkface for most of her stay, Mystique is out of her goddamned mind, Shangela went and turned it out while still using corn as an accessory, Morgan is only a poseur whore and don't you dare say anything different, Sahara is living mo' money mo' problems, Jessica is under $5 on the right day at Denny's, Pandora is even nice to her worst enemies, Tatianna finally gets her own raging flamethrower bitch moment, Raven surprises no one by not giving a damn, and Tyra basically won because RuPaul has transcended all logic and common sense to achieve a higher plane of existence where you don't have to stand up to bullies and walking a runway on your knees, jumping up without support, and crying behind a veil means that you are qualified to be the next drag superstar. BULLSHIT!
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Why Do I Watch This? Recap – “RuPaul’s Drag Race: Reunited!” or “Your Explanation For Why That Bidouche Tyra Sanchez Won Still Doesn’t Make Any Damn Sense”
Tracking into the studio, RuPaul kicks the customary reunion show off wearing that weird Groucho Marx mustache he’s taken to affecting when appearing as guy!RuPaul and says that the secret to the success of this show is “magic.” He then uses some video tricks to illustrate his point, but I’m more inclined to believe he struck a bargain with Satan for continued success for Drag Race that cost him his sanity and allowed motherfucking Tyra Sanchez to win.
Anyway, RuMarx brings out this year’s competing queens in order of elimination, and in small groups. First out are thus Shangela Laquifa Wadley, Nicole. Paige. Motherfucking. Snakes. On A. Motherfucking. Plane. Brooks. From. Atlanta. Georgia., Mystique Summers Madison, Sonique, and Morgan McSkullhead. RuMarx speaks to Shangela, who still looks 40 in drag, first, and points out that she still has corn hanging from her hand. Shangela proudly displays the silver spray-painted ear attached to her left wrist and explains that she has invented the “Gaga-inspired cornsage” since her elimination. Ha! Reminding everyone that Shangela had only been doing drag for a few months when she appeared on the show, he asks her if she might have been “too green” for the competition. Shangela replies in the negative, saying that she came at the contest with everything she had and was in it to win, and points to the still fucking amazing first LSFYL as evidence of that.
However, Shangela adds that she took the judges’ comments to heart and continued her drag education after she was eliminated, and went on to win the “Miss California Entertainer” pageant later this year. She then brings out her own pageant crown to show off proudly, and I must say it’s actually a little prettier than the Drag Race crown. RuMarx says that she’s snatching trophies and corn, and Shangela says that her next snatching target is “a husband, Hallelu!” See, when it was both her and Sahara yipping out the “Hallelu!”s in that first Untucked episode, that shit got on my last nerve – probably because they said it after every other sentence out of their mouths. But when it’s just Shangela (or just Sahara, for that matter) and it’s kept to a minimum, it’s infinitely more charming. But then again, a lot of what Shangela and Sahara did together, other than the LSFYL, was fucking obnoxious and loud and ridiculously sorority girly, even for a couple of drag queens.
RuMarx next addresses Nicole. Paige. Brooks., who is dressed like one of the Real fake Housewives, and reminds everyone that she also has a son, just like Tyra. Only she didn’t mention him in every other sentence to garner judge and audience sympathy, because that would just be spineless and contemptible. TYRA. RuMarx asks if her son has been able to see the show, and NPBFAG says that he saw the RuDoll mini-challenge and was excited to see “Dada” on TV, but he hasn’t seen him dressed up as NPBFAG yet. She adds that there are pictures of her as NPBFAG all over their house, but her son doesn’t recognize the fake lady as his dad and doesn’t know who she is. This is a little worrying, since from what we saw of NPBFAG’s son he’s not a small child anymore, but she says that he is only 4, so perhaps I’m expecting too much in the way of cognitive reasoning there.
RuMarx then says that NPBFAG “didn’t last as long as some people expected,” and asks if she had any particular frustrations with the competition. She admits that it felt like “one big sorority” with the other queens on the show, and that she was very surprised to watch it afterwards and hear some of the shit Raven spewed behind everyone’s backs. Morgan, for her part, is surprised that NPBFAG was surprised that Raven was such an enormous bitch, saying that she thought the infamous drag cassowary was “very upfront, like [her].” Which is only natural, because they were both assy cows – Raven just acted that way more often and for a longer period of time. Nevertheless, Morgan says that she didn’t think Raven talked behind peoples’ backs, leading NPBFAG to fix her with this total “Were you watching the same show as the rest of us?” look.
Assuring the queens that this will be explored when Raven shows up, RuMarx turns to Mystique and asks her if she received any support from the “plus-size” community because of the show. She replies that a lot of people have indeed thanked her for showing on national TV that big can be beautiful in its own way, and that they don’t have to “conform to society’s thoughts.” Cut To: anorexic Morgan McSkullfucker, sucking a lemon. Snerk. RuMarx then asks her about the perception that she gave up during the “Country Queens” challenge, to which Sonique nods in agreement. Mystique proceeds to spin this patently ridiculous story of Mexican gangs getting all riled up while the show was on, and being afraid for her mother who works in Mexico being kidnapped, to which Shangela gives this incredulous “WTF?” look, while Sonique and NPBFAG kind of shake their heads and Morgan visibly bites her tongue. I have to say, the original story of wearing an urban/mall country look to “not offend the Texans with stereotypes” was infinitely more believable. Because, well, seriously? “I was afraid my mother would be kidnapped by Mexican gangs for something I did on a drag reality TV contest”?
Okay, let’s just break this down for a minute. So if there’s any chance at all that Mystique is actually telling the truth, that would mean that somewhere in Mexico, there is some kind of drug cartel whose members and/or leaders are 1) very proud of the archetypal image of the cowboy, 2)are aware that Logo exists, 3) get Logo as part of their cable TV package and/or watch its programming online, 4) know that RuPaul’s Drag Race exists and watch it religiously, 5) aware of who Mystique is, 6) aware of who Mystique’s mother is and where she worked, and 7) were so invested in and preoccupied with Mystique’s performance on the show that they would be willing and able to kidnap her mother if she dishonored the archetypal image of the cowboy by wearing a stereotypical country look for the runway challenge on the show.
Bitch. What. The fuck. Even in my most unhinged, divorced-from-reality moments, I have NEVER come up with such a patently insane rationalization for anything I have ever done in my life. And believe me, I have made a fool of myself and done a hell of a lot worse than turning out a half-assed country look on a drag reality TV contest on a network that an infinitesimal amount of people pay attention to. Wherever the hell Mystique is getting her 2-pieces and biscuits from, she needs to find another damn Popeye’s already. Because clearly, the restaurant she frequents is also cooking meth in the kitchen and mixing up their supplies of shiznastica (which is also a more awesome drag name than Nicole Paige Brooks or Morgan McMichaels, by the way) with their Cajun spices!
Anyway, RuMarx asks if Mystique’s mother is a drug mule. Snerk. The other queens titter as Mystique vehemently replies in the negative, and so RuMarx asks that she explain her half-assed country look then. Morgan chimes in that the pants she wore on the runway were the worst part about it, and Mystique returns to her original excuse of wanting to show off “up-to-date country.” Shangela then demands a time-out and mentions that she, as a native Texan, knows that Mystique’s look (or the “stereotypical” look she was allegedly trying to avoid, for that matter) does not apply to every woman in Texas, and neither does how she applies her makeup. And I, as a non-native but 25-year resident of Texas, know that Mystique is really just full of shit on this issue. I mean, I’m sure that somewhere in this absolute mess there is a rational and logical reason for Mystique’s excuse for a country look, but it can’t possibly be so awful as to require that asinine Mexican drug cartel kidnapping story to cover it up.
Anyway again, RuMarx tells Mystique that if nothing else she looks beautiful tonight, before turning to Sonique. He says that the elimination between her and Morgan was tremendously close to call, and in truth it was the best LSFYL this year after Shangela and Sahara’s. He then asks her if she thinks he made the right decision, and Sonique (who is wearing Gwen Stefani hair and an orange early Madonna-inspired dress) can only say that she felt “prepared” at the time. She goes on to say that she’s been able to learn so much about herself and “[her] drag” during this whole process and that the competition felt like being “in a dream.” RuMarx questions whether it was “a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare” – a prompt which is kind of wasted on Sonique, rather than say, Tyra – leading Sonique to tell him that her mind was “always somewhere else,” and that she feels that people didn’t really get a chance to see the real Sonique.
RuMarx then says that he’s been told that Sonique has something to share with everyone. Sonique says that it’s “very personal” and visibly struggles to get words out before eventually walking off into the wings of the set. Morgan quickly runs after her to check on her, and even Nicole. Paige. Brooks. looks ready to leave her seat to help. Instead, though, RuMarx himself goes over to Morgan and Sonique, and Sonique is in tears telling Morgan that she knows “they don’t understand” and “that’s the reason [she’s] been so unhappy.” The three of them continue to converse in quasi-private – mostly because they are all still miked and still on camera, so everyone can totally see and hear this – as Sonique tells RuMarx that she hasn’t been happy for a long time and only recently found out why.
At length, Sonique admits that she’s really “a woman” rather than “a boy who dresses up,” and to her immense credit Morgan gives her a really big smile and claps for her. She says that she feels that “the only thing [she’s] done right” is see a doctor and begin the process of gender transitioning. RuMarx tells her that that’s excellent and asks her if she’s ready to rejoin the group so that they can all talk about it. So Morgan leads Sonique back, talking about how she’s “destroyed” her makeup, while Mystique hands NPBFAG and Shangela tissues out of her own fake bosom because they’ve all overheard and are tearing up. I probably shouldn’t be as amused by this tableau as I am, given what a serious subject this is for Sonique, but it is morbidly funny, especially with Mystique passing out her cleavage Kleenex.
Once RuMarx has confirmed that Sonique feels secure enough to share, she confesses that she’s always felt like “there wasn’t something right” and that she could “never be `boy’ enough” because she’s really always been a girl. Even after becoming a drag queen, she felt like it wasn’t enough, and says that she’s never been happier than she is now, on hormone therapy and transitioning to become a woman. RuMarx acknowledges that the general public doesn’t know the difference between drag queens and transgender individuals, and Sonique explains that most transwomen do not do drag and live full-time as women. Meanwhile, drag queens have and actively use the option to get out of drag and live as a man, and Sonique reveals that she “dreads” taking off her makeup after a performance is over. RuMarx tells her that he is happy and proud that she’s coming to terms with who she really is, and that even though he and the rest of the girls are simply drag queens at the end of the day, they support her, and the other queens applaud.
RuMarx then says that he hears Morgan is transitioning from being a man to being “a butch man,” leading her to reply “absolutely” in a voice almost as deep as Tyra’s. La Supermodel then brings up the shrill, maniacal catfight Morgan and Mystique had during the first episode of Untucked, and Morgan explains (if that’s what you want to call it) that as a man, she is unwilling to let other people “disrespect” her. However, she also says that the fight really did get ridiculously out of hand, and tells Mystique that she does in fact think that she’s “an amazing entertainer.” Mystique says that the feeling is mutual and suggests they “make out later,” leading Morgan to gag quietly. Mystique then elaborates that she and Morgan have had the chance to sort out their differences since that blowup, and they both say that they don’t hate each other or can’t be friends just because of that one incident, and the fact that people who’ve seen the show think otherwise is just part of the “magic” of reality TV that RuMarx mentioned earlier. Bitchy, bitchy magic.
Jumping off of that point, RuMarx then asks all the queens if there’s anyone they haven’t been in touch with since the show ended. Morgan says that she hasn’t spoken to Tatianna and is a little hacked off about some of the things she said about her in her interviews, particularly the parts about her being “a whore” and “needing to be knocked off [her] high horse.” Because the truth often stings, of course. She blames Tatianna’s commentaries on “her own insecurities,” and alleges that she “never said a bad word about [her].” She just called her the weakest queen in the competition alongside Raven. In any event, RuMarx says that they will all have the chance to speak with Tatianna after the commercial break.
When we return, RuMarx brings out Sahara Davenport, Jessica Wild, Pandora Boxx, and Tatianna and shills his Champion album on iTunes again. Some more. Honestly I would have considered buying it before this season left such a vomitous taste in my mouth and spoiled the music forever. Sahara (dressed in an over-bedazzled translucent blue outfit with one sleeve made out of thick blue fur) is the first to be interviewed, and RuMarx asks if her minister mother has become any more supportive of her since the show ended. Sahara says that her mother texted her before a gig to say that she was watching the show and thought she looked fabulous. She originally thought that her mother would “cuss [her] the fuck out” when she called back, but she simply told her how proud she was of her instead. RuMarx asks if it would be fair to infer from this that Drag Race does indeed bring families together, and Sahara says that it at least works for “Christian black families.”
La Supermodel then asks what the reaction is when the queens meet fans who’ve seen the show, and Sahara says that young boys Facebook her all the time asking how to come out. She admits that she didn’t ask to be put in such a serious position when she agreed to do the show, saying that she mostly just wanted to “increase [her] booking fee.” Since then, however, she’s realized that she actually has the ability and the opportunity to reach out to young gays, and says that all the queens have some responsibility to the LGBT community and the world to help people when they can. RuMarx concurs.
He then turns to Jessica, in a simple and elegant one-sleeved black-and-translucent gown, and asks about her limited English proficiency. Jessica says that she was terrified when she was told that she got on the show because she “[doesn’t] speak English,” but resolved not to let that stop her. RuMarx assures her that her accent is “absolutely charming,” which I think is a bit of a disservice. Perhaps she’s just been edited to death on this show, but Jessica’s ability to communicate in English was pretty damn good from what I saw. Sure there were times when her accent was a little difficult to understand, like with Kathy Najimy directing, but that’s not a language issue per se. Nor is not knowing what a golden shower is – knowledge of which is still hardly compulsory for educational completion in this or any other country, JACKIE COLLINS. God, she was such an uncharacteristic bastard about that on this show.
Anysnooch, Jessica admits that there were times that she had no idea what was going on and simply smiled and nodded to cover it, often during the judges’ individual critiques. Snerk. I’m sure that Pandora might have been doing the same thing when being addressed by that tool Santino towards the end. RuMarx then asks what the “wildest” thing she’s had written to her is, and Jessica says that a mother wrote her that her son wanted to be a drag queen, and that he was only 10. Yikes. Sahara and Tatianna, among others, burst out laughing a little, as Jessica continues that this mother also said that by watching her on TV, she learned that her son is that much more special and that she needs to love him all the more. She says that by being on the show and telling people about how much her own mother loves her, she’s taught people that they need to love and support their family members no matter what because “we are specials [sic].” For example, Jessica Wild is $3.99 at Denny’s every Tuesday and Thursday. Okay, that might have been one of her infamous language issues right there, but you have to admit – that’s tiny. Practically insignificant. I’ve heard native-born children in this country use infinitely more incomprehensible excuses for English than that.
RuMarx then turns to Pandora, who is dressed in an awesome literal drag race-inspired outfit decorated with road patterns and black and white checks, with a plastic monster truck tire for a hat and bracelets made out of Hot Wheels cars. And if Santino dares to walk by, she can deploy hidden launchers in her bracelets and shoot the Hot Wheels at him. La Supermodel mentions that Entertainment Weekly, along with a significant majority of the audience, was tremendously displeased with her elimination, and that he once dubbed her the Susan Lucci of the competition, always coming close to winning but not actually making it. He then asks if she hates him, and Pandora reveals (in jest, of course) that she totally keyed his car after getting kicked off. She admits that she’s over any negativity she may have had, however, and RuMarx turns to the topic of the past suicide attempts she admitted she made in the show. He asks what reaction she’s gotten as a result, and Pandora answers that she’s received a lot of online contact from people who’ve gone through the exact same thing in their lives. She makes note of one message, though, about someone who watched the show was convinced not to take their own life by hearing her story, and says that she burst into tears when she read that.
RuMarx reiterates that they do have a surprising amount of “power” over people as queens and as people doing this show, and then asks about the relationship with her ill father which she also mentioned. Pandora explains that her father always accepted his homosexuality but wasn’t as comfortable with her being a drag queen. She adds, however, that one week before her father passed away, he called her to say that he’d seen Drag Race and that he was “[her] number one fan.” She and Sonique both start to tear up as she says that she waited her whole life to get that phone call. The other queens are equally moved as RuMarx says that it’s wonderful that this happened for Pandora, and that so many people are still waiting to hear that kind of love and acceptance. He concludes by asking if she has anything to say to those out there who are still waiting, and Pandora says that they should know that they’re already good enough and perfect they way they are, and that it’s up to them to affirm their own lives. Shangela and Sonique are well in tears now, as Pandora says that that’s what helped her to keep living, and that it was “amazing” to have that moment with her dad before he died. RuMarx thanks Pandora for “[keeping] us laughing” and says that that’s worth “a billion dollars.” Naturally, Pandora mentions that actually receiving a billion dollars for that wouldn’t hurt, as several of the other queens giggle and applaud, because screwed over is still screwed over.
Tatianna (in a shiny turquoise cocktail dress that, while a significant step up in class from most of her Drag Race wardrobe, would still give Michael Kors the fits) is told by RuMarx that she was very “controversial” on the show, as Morgan McSkullfucker once again sucks a lemon in her seat. La Supermodel brings up how Tati was “pretty beat up” by the other queens, and Tati says that there were a lot of times that she would just cry in her hotel room because she didn’t want to give anyone the satisfaction of seeing all that shit get to her. RAVEN. RuMarx asks if it really affected her that much, and Tatianna replies in the affirmative, saying that after the show she didn’t want to be around other drag queens for a good long time. He then asks her why she couldn’t manage during the shade-throwing mini-challenge, but was still so critical in her interviews, using clips of her calling out Morgan, Sonique, and Raven as examples. Well let’s see…could it be because those were the very three queens who seriously gunned for her in the first place? Come now, RuMarx. If some asshole runs up to you and whacks you in the shins with a lead pipe, do you really think it’s going to be hard for you to hurl expletives (at the very least) at them, while not being able to cuss out people who haven’t antagonized you quite as easily? Good Christ, I had no idea that “if you start shit, expect to be shat on in return, probably by the person you just shat on yourself” was such a difficult concept for people to understand. That, or there are just a lot more retarded people running around than I imagined.
After the clips, RuMarx asks Tatianna if she thinks it’s okay to say things behind people’s backs rather than to their faces. First of all, I can’t believe he’s asking this question to her rather than to Raven, who is the queen of saying even more shit behind people’s backs than the shit she actually says face-to-face. And secondly, you’ve had Kathy Griffin on this show, Ru – she will tell you on any day that talking about people behind their backs rather than saying things to their faces is good manners. Otherwise people would be arrested for beating and killing each other even more often than they are now. I realize that it’s empowering and attractive, in its own way, to be so blinded by your own ego that you feel totally unafraid to say shit about people to their faces like Raven, but always remember – if you act like that in the presence of even one bigger nutjob than you with a gun, you’re dead. And you never know who’s a nutjob with a gun, or a bomb, or piano wire, or worse. In any case, Tatianna says that she wasn’t trying to present herself as “nice” to people’s faces and then “cut ‘em” behind their backs, and tried to treat people as she would want to be treated.
Morgan is about 10 seconds away from an apoplectic fit as she goes on to say that if someone “comes at [her] wrong,” however, she won’t hesitate to fire right back. Sonique then asks when she said or did anything to Tatianna to make her speak ill of her, and says that she “never was that way to [her]”. Uh, how about when you called Mystique (who was Tatianna's friend)'s elimination the result of her own negativity and alleged "bad karma", and said that she was never a real contender? Or later in the same episode, when you said that Tatianna’s own look was “tired”? I don’t care how selective these bitches’ memories are, I can do this all night for every single damn one of them. Unfortunately, the editors are currently opposed to Tatianna, who is next shown saying that “no one said every single thing that they thought to that person” during the show. Even Raven, for all her bullying, saved her bitching about Tatianna for other people (who probably didn’t care in the first place) and simply tried to passive-aggressively intimidate her in person. And Tatianna freely admits that her best efforts at defending herself were behind the scenes along with her criticisms, which weakens her position in its own way.
Then Morgan, who to her immense credit seems to have calmed herself considerably before speaking, says that while she does think Tatianna is truly beautiful and envies her legs, she feels that she “totally slung [her]” by calling her a whore. Never mind that Morgan walked in the first day of competition dressed like a truckstop hooker, and had a nasty habit of airing out her man-cooch in public, sometimes with a folding fan that she bequeathed to Raven after being eliminated. Nevertheless, between that style and those behaviors, coupled with Morgan’s propensity to belch at the top of her lungs and putting shortening in her crotch, Tatianna would probably have been more accurate to call her “trash” rather than just a whore. In any case, Tati duhs that she didn’t mean that Morgan literally sells herself on the street for cash. She just meant that Morgan dressed and often acted like one, to the point where the difference to a casual observer might no longer be apparent.
RuMarx then puts forth that the biggest criticism Tatianna got from her detractors is that she got by on her looks – which is probably not entirely unfair to say, given how far Ru took fucking Tyra on her looks – and asks how it’s made her feel. Naturally, Tati is irritated and says that she’s “more than a face” and “has thoughts” – and contrary to Raven’s assertions and pretty much everything we ever saw on the show, precious few of these thoughts actually involve Britney Spears. (Meanwhile, why Raven never gave Tyra any shit for her Beyoncé obsession, which did make it into the show several times and was noticed by several people, queens and judges alike, I will never know, other than assuming that Raven was just insanely biased.) Tatianna says that she felt like RuMarx “saw that [she] was progressing,” while her haters just “chopped her down” to being all about her looks and the Season 2 equivalent of Rebecca Glasscock. She says that just because her look is more “realistic” than a lot of other queens (which in fairness it is, and a lot of her detractors are undoubtedly just jealous) does not make her less of a drag queen. “As long as I have a dick between my legs and a wig on my head, I’m a drag queen,” she declares, and even Morgan shouts out a “Trust!” to that.
RuMarx reiterates that the judging criteria has always been about who has the most CUNT, and diplomatically says that it’s almost unfair to compare each of the 12 queens to each other because they’re all so different and are all “winners” in their own way. I have my own piece to say about that as well, because this is a very different situation from last year where a lot of the queens were just needy and seeking validation and RuGunn had to set them straight. But I believe that the better opportunity to address this will be after Raven shows up. One commercial break later, RuMarx hauls out the final three: Jujubee, Raven, and that undeserving sack of twat Tyra Sanchez. He tells them that they are all “sisters” and that “win or lose, love or hate,” they are family. Once again, I’m sorely tempted to tear this shit apart, but now is not the time.
Anyhoo, he turns to Jujubee first, who is dressed in a silver sequined spiral of fabric that makes her look like a Solid Gold dancer, and asks if she’s gotten any response from the “Gaysian” community since the show ended. Juju says that she’s been called “inspiring” for coming forward and doing the show, and has gotten a lot of respect for speaking about her culture and using the Laotian language on TV. She says that her family is particularly excited to see her on TV, and RuMarx springboards off of this to ask if she’s touched base with her mother lately. Jujubee replies that she has not, and when Ru prompts her to give her mother a message should she be watching, she simply thanks her for giving her life. She elaborates that while it’s been 10 years since they last spoke, she feels that she still needs more time to get over how her mother abandoned their family. La Supermodel asks if it will take another 10 years for Juju to be ready, which is probably the only thing in questionably poor taste I’ve ever heard RuPaul say, and Juju simply says that while she feels bad about the distance and for her mother, she’s just not ready.
Moving on, RuMarx asks what is next in store for Jujubee now that she didn’t win the show. She tells him that she will keep performing as a drag queen, and that there’s just so much that she wants to do, including movies and theatre (particularly playing Angel in Rent). RuMarx tells her how confident he is that all that is going to happen for her, and says that similar opportunities have opened up for all the queens just because they made it onto the show. Asserting in a rather reverse-Sue Sylvester way that he is “just under 300 years old,” he speaks from experience and tells them all not to take having been on this show for granted and that they can get out of it only what they put into it. I have to say, the image of a 300-year-old immortal RuPaul? Doing drag on TV during the day and then running to the parking lot to fight and behead people with a sword like Highlander? It tickles me.
The moment then arrives for RuMarx to talk to Raven, once again in a bob wig and a black tube cocktail dress, how she managed to go from being in the bottom two twice to being the runner-up. Raven, who appears to have gotten some creepy pale green contacts and some serious Botox because her face is all kinds of frozen, says that she just owned up to fucking up whenever she put out a substandard performance, like her Ronald McDonald/Joker country chicken. Once again, she says that she was focused on developing “a southern accent” and didn’t realize until she heard Jessica’s “chicken voice” that she should have gone that route instead. She calls herself “a fucking airhead” in the process, and the irony of that is not at all lost on Tatianna.
Speaking of which, RuMarx next addresses how “not shy” and “liberal” Raven was with her words during the competition, complete with clips of her bashing Nicole. Paige. Brooks. Etc., Tatianna, Tatianna, Tatianna, Tatianna, Tatianna, Tatianna, Tatianna, Tatianna, and lest we forget, somebody named Tatianna. La Supermodel then asks Tati for her input on this situation, and she says that she thinks her feelings “are easily explained” and calls Raven simply jealous. She says that she’s insecure (which causes Raven to drop her smirk and become very serious, and even to nod along) and has a sick need to put other people down, and admits to having “very negative feelings” towards her since the show ended. Once again, Tatianna admits that she was guilty of saying things behind people’s backs as well, but says that Raven crossed some serious lines when she did it. She points out the things Raven said about NPBFAG, saying that Nicole “probably thought she made a friend” in Raven, leading the drag penguin (as one calls a bird whose face is frozen) to argue that they are not discussing her right now, but rather Tatianna herself. I don’t know if I’m more insulted or disappointed that Raven is resorting to such paltry misdirection to try and get Tatianna off her back.
As it happens, NPBFAG pipes up that she did in fact think that Raven was her friend, and says that she was “gagged” by what a bitch she turned out to be. Raven attempts to address this, but Tatianna commands her to shut up because she is not finished having her say. Now, I will be the first person to say that allowing Tatianna, who was bullied and smacktalked about by Raven for most of this competition, to have her proverbial day in court is par for the course – anyone who’s ever sat through a reunion show for a Bravo program knows that this is just how it goes. However, since NPBFAG was also maligned (perhaps even more deeply, because I doubt that Tatianna was ever under the impression that Raven liked her), she also deserved more than a moment to address her beef with Raven. So I can see how people might have seen this bit and thought Tatianna was incredibly rude. Her timing was less than ideal, absolutely, and she should have given the floor back to Nicole until she had said her piece. However, there is also the argument that the less opportunity Raven is given to bullshit some excuse for her behavior, the better.
In any case, Tatianna thunders (rightly) that Raven has gotten “every opportunity to say what she wants about [her],” and that now it’s her turn. She points out that she never said anything “hurtful” about Raven, nor did she say anything that wasn’t plainly true, citing that she said that Raven “runs her mouth” because she does. And she definitely did not take cheap shots like calling people “fat”, “airhead”, or “dumb”, or say that someone is “nothing”, or that the judges were “living for someone that is nothing” – all of which Raven has been caught on tape saying, without retaliating against something negatively said about her first. Raven responds by arguing that she was simply asked for her opinion by the producers and she gave it, and says that she’s “sorry if it sounded shitty”. Tati, however, doesn’t believe she’s at all sincere and tells her to can the “empty apologies.”
Tatianna says that the only thing she ever really heard from Raven during the competition was “You’re gorgeous”, and Raven admits to that. However, Tatianna again says that (contrary to Raven’s “opinions”) she is more than just a pretty face, and NPBFAG just calls Raven’s behavior “malicious…gay faggotry” and says that she expected better out of the queens in this competition. Insulted, Raven volleys back that they were making a TV show that was not “an episode of 7th Heaven,” arguing that a certain level of cattiness was to be expected. NPBFAG counters that “they were all smiling in [her] face at one point,” but Raven spits that she never “smiled in [Nicole’s] face” and that they never hung out or were friends. Wow. She couldn’t even do Nicole the courtesy of apologizing for being a two-faced bitch, even though she did it for Tatianna, and even if it wasn’t sincere. That’s…messed up.
Innyway, Raven concludes that all the queens, even her BFF Morgan, can call her a bitch all they like, but she doesn’t care. Well CLEARLY, otherwise she wouldn’t have run her bitch mouth in the first place. Tatianna says as much and says that that is exactly Raven’s problem (to which Raven sneers that it’s not a “problem”), and calls her “the one who is [about] face value.” She tells Raven that she’s beautiful on the outside, but “[her] insides are dark and nasty” and that she does not fucking like her at all. Raven counters that Tatianna could be bitchy herself, as she is being right now, but Tati counter-counters that on her worst day she was never as malicious as Raven. To be honest, none of the queens were ever as malicious as Raven, except possibly for Tyra because she resorted to sabotage and physical violence.
Tatianna says that the people she talked smack about – Sonique, Morgan, and Raven herself – deserved it at the time, and her judgment was clouded by anger (the former of which can all be proven on tape), but she never deserved the attacks Raven hurled at her. Raven then attempts to turn the argument back on Tatianna, asking if it’s okay for her to say things like “I pity you for the face you have,” but not for Raven to say anything similar. Try again, Raven; that was Tatianna defending Mystique after Sonique and Morgan rubbed salt in her wounds post-elimination. Granted, that wasn’t directly addressed to Tatianna and Mystique clearly has her own issues, but Tatianna still never attacked Morgan, Sonique, or anyone else for nothing or just because she was having a bad day or didn't get the feedback she wanted from the judges. Can you say the same, O Dark & Nasty Insided One?
At length, Raven apologizes (as best she can and perhaps as best as Tatianna will let her) for hurting Tatianna’s feelings, but stands by everything she said. Because once again, she doesn’t really give a fuck, which is unquestionably its own problem. Tatianna, who appeared tired and frustrated at this point, can accept that. However, RuMarx then steps in and says that “we are overly sensitive” and that “feelings are not facts.” Referencing Season 1’s reunion show, he says that this is the same situation (which it isn’t) and that “things are gonna be said” because that’s how these shows work. He says that the queens cannot let these things hurt their feelings, and points out that Raven is “more seasoned” and has a thicker skin.
*record scratch*
And here is where I have to address that crock of shit. Now I know that RuPaul is playing diplomat and moderator here, and it’s his job, in a way, to make sure that everyone can get along. And he is correct, to a point, that one can’t afford to let one’s feelings be easily injured in this world. However, there’s a fine but clearly visible line between having a thick skin and being a doormat. The fact is, on the show, Raven was a bully. If Tatianna had not stood up for herself even as much as she did – and remember that she did most of it behind the scenes and was pretty passive-aggressive about it in person – Raven (and maybe Morgan as well, and Sonique) would have walked all over her. That’s what happens when you don’t stand up to a bully. So no, RuPaul; if you think that Tatianna is being overly sensitive in her response to Raven’s behavior, you are sorely mistaken.
Were the Season 1 queens overly sensitive to the judges’ critiques? Yes, because they were clearly looking for validation. Several of them just wanted to be told how fabulous they were, without realizing that they were going to be judged and rated on how they could perform on this show. But Tatianna and Nicole are not looking for Raven or anyone else to tell them that they’re pretty – they’re looking for common decency. And let’s face it, Raven did not show them that. Raven competed aggressively from day one, but trying very hard to win a competition is not an excuse for attacking someone’s self-worth or value or being two-faced.
Was Nicole Paige Brooks obnoxious in the first Untucked? God, yes. Was she disturbingly attracted to Raven? Sure, I saw that. But the proper, mature way to respond to that is to say, “I didn’t feel X about you and I’m sorry if I led you to believe otherwise.” Not to say “We never hung out and we weren’t friends” and just leave it at that. You throw in the apology for clarification and because it’s fucking common courtesy. And as for Tatianna, that was jealousy to the point of insanity, plain and simple, coupled with Raven’s convenient interpretation of events; there’s nothing more to it or validating about that.
Again, I understand that RuPaul is, at least in part, trying to get everyone to simmer down. But don’t even begin to try and tell me that Raven is the more mature one in this situation because her skin is allegedly thicker than Tatianna’s, or that Raven’s fallacious issues with Tati are in any way acceptable. I’ve said a lot of shit about RuPaul’s questionable judging this season, but what I find most questionable right now is his reasoning in handling this situation. I think RuPaul has been liked and admired as RuPaul for so long and gotten so into this Zen master/sage role so much that he’s completely forgotten what it’s like to have a Raven in one’s life. You do not take that kind of shit lying down. You’re certainly not required to go on the heated rant that Tatianna just did, but you nevertheless fucking stand up for yourself. Anything less, like letting Raven simply get away with her behavior, is like Jujubee’s anecdote of answering to “faggot.” And in this case, I have to conclude that RuPaul hasn’t been proverbially called a faggot in so long that he’s forgotten how to do anything but ignore it and wait for it to go away.
So as I now break my soapbox down to make a doghouse for newborn puppies, RuMarx says that Raven has acquired a lot of (probably equally emotionally stunted) fans despite her substandard social skills, and asks her if she would have done anything differently. Raven admits (or maybe just lies) that she would have kept her mouth shut more and/or phrased herself better, saying that she doesn’t speak “eloquently.” RuMarx disagrees, further proving my point that he’s completely divorced from reality on this issue, and Raven amends that she speaks like “a lady trucker.” A lady trucker who can’t stand other ladies who happen to be prettier than her. Raven says that she would have liked to be “a lot softer” with her talking heads, quoting Pandora that “the next drag superstar needs to be not such a wretched cunt.” Trust and Hallelu to that, bitch. Hallelust? Trullelu?
RuMarx then turns to Tatianna and points out that Raven has apologized – if that’s what you want to call it – but she still appears to be “holding on to it” and asks her why. Because they were some fucking wretched cunt things to say and you don’t get over that shit with one fake apology in 30 seconds, you clotpole! That response would not be human! Jesus H. Christ, I cannot believe I want to haul RuPaul’s ass back to Kindergarten and reteach the Supermodel Of The World – who has written a self-help book – how the fundamentals of acceptable behavior work. They show fucking public service commercials about how easy it is to mentally damage people with slambooks and Internet bullying on bloody MTV every day now, for crying out loud.
At any rate, Tatianna cops to being “sensitive” and admits that the crap Raven said about her did bother her. She adds that she had never really had many drag queens friends, traveled by herself, or been away from her family for such a long period of time before, and basically found the experience of the show to have played with her head and her expectations a little. Raven, in turn, confesses that she really should not have been so “vocal” about Tatianna and apologizes to her directly and in a way that carries at least a tangible sliver of sincerity, for the first time during this broadcast. That, or Raven is just working the amazing acting chops that got her through the “Golden Gals” challenge. And with that in mind, how exactly did she lose to frickin’ Tyra again? RuMarx then demands that the two queens hug it out, because once again, completely divorced from reality on this, and Raven and Tatianna comply with all the sincerity of feeling of a rapper truce.
Finally, RuMarx gets to Tyra, who is wearing a two-tone lopsided beehive wig and what looks like the funeral dress of Endora from Bewitched. He says that “some people” – you know, like most of the audience who ever watched this show – think that her victory was “controversial,” as we cut to Sahara and Raven sucking lemons. RuMarx also adds that the criticisms against Tyra were some of the harshest, and included such memorable epithets as “lazy bitch,” “immature,” “mannerless,” and “Satan’s baby,” and asks how she feels about them. Tyra replies that as she watched the show, she realized that at the time she deserved every single bad word said about her by the other queens, and says that all she can do is apologize to Sahara, Tatianna, Jujubee, Pandora, and everyone else if she hurt their feelings or upset them. Because apparently being brought up on at least two assault charges would be out of the question and unfair. She says that she can only try to be a better person in the future, which while very self-helpy and all, is still a fucking cop-out.
RuMarx further informs Tyra that people have actually written in and said that while she is “a fierce queen,” but her behavior “turned them off,” and asks if she has anything to say for herself. Tyra just asks that these people pray for her and for her son (Have I mentioned I have a son? He’s so little and cute, and I’m so cute too, and I was homeless before this, so pwease don’t be mad at me, I pwomise I won’t ever do it agaiiiiiin…) to have a better life and become better people. Uh, yeah. Once again, I grew up in the ghetto, and I’m familiar with how black Christians tend to give responses like this. But seriously? You fought Tatianna, sideswiped Raven’s face, and gouged out Jujubee’s eye – the only thing I am actually praying for is for your ass to be sued and your poor child to go to some loving foster parents who won’t fuck him up.
Tatianna then says that in “reconnecting” with the queens for the reunion show, she’s found that Tyra has in fact changed for the better and is not the same lazy, immature, mannerless bitch child of Satan she was on the show. I can only hope RuPaul promised Tatianna a substantial cash settlement and acting representation for doing this for both Raven *and* Tyra. RuMarx asks her what exactly has changed in Tyra, and Tati says that it’s her demeanor and that she genuinely seems to want to “integrate” now. She says that on the show, everyone would tend to hang out while Tyra would separate herself, and Raven adds that she always felt that Tyra was just really “focused” on winning. Of course, we remember that “focused” was also the euphemism for “being a lazy, immature, mannerless bitch child of Satan” that Raven and Morgan (who are also bitches) used [the first time Tyra’s behavior was found wanting.] Way to tow the bitch party line, Raven.
Tyra proceeds to tell RuMarx and everyone else her same old sob story about not having a home or a job before the competition and sleeping on her drag mother’s floor (and yet coming into the competition with some of the most expensive-looking outfits, jewelry, and wigs of all the queens), and how that she couldn’t afford not to win the competition. She also adds that her mom (whether it’s the one who kicked her out or her drag mother, she doesn’t say) taught her that if she wants something, she should pray for it, and so she went to her hotel room every night and prayed to win RuPaul’s Drag Race. And lo, God actually stepped out of the tub he normally soaks in during reality TV competitions and paid attention, because it was His child Tyra Sanchez praying, and He did see fit to answer her prayers by screwing with RuPaul’s mind and making her crown her America’s next drag superstar. Then night fell and morning came, and He saw that it was, well. Ludicrous. About the only difference between this load of crap and Mystique’s tale of American-kidnapping Mexican drug cartel drag queen enthusiasts is that Tyra brought religion into it. Bitch, make no mistake about it: God is in the tub for ALL reality TV competitions, and the prayers of the contestants thereof. Hallelust-Trullelu!
Jessica then says that Tyra is young and therefore has a greater opportunity to change from being a lunatic asshat Philistine, and says that she’s proud of her for allegedly taking the first step toward doing that. She says that she’s glad Tyra is the next drag superstar, because she sets the bar so low that it makes every other queen in the competition look that much better by comparison. Or because she genuinely believes in Tyra’s abilities. You know. Whatever. Sahara also tells Tyra that she is “a fan” and can’t argue with the fact that RuPaul lost her damn mind and gave her the crown, which means that “the bitch turned it.” RuMarx – also the product of a black Christian household – agrees with Tyra’s delusion that her prayers were answered and that people will pray for her, because that’s just the mentality they’re conditioned to have and that is what they religiously believe. Even if misbehavior is actually one of the few things religion teaches us to condemn. This is true for just about every legitimate religion practiced on Earth: if you are not being taught to act right, you’re either deliberately misinterpreting the texts, a Satanist, or both.
RuMarx then says that Tyra’s drag mother “clearly taught [her]the rules of drag,” and points to the “Here Comes The Bride” challenge where (in footage we did not get to see at all until now, not that it matters) Tyra came out on her knees and hiding behind her bouquet, and then threw her bouquet and leapt upright “without support on your feet.” Furthermore, when RuKlum-Seal called the queens back out to the stage, Tyra “had tears in [her] eyes” and had pulled her veil over her face. RuMarx says that her “pussy was on fire” that day and calls this display “fierce.”
*record scratch*
The fuck? How in the world does that even make any amount of sense as judging criteria? “She had tears in her eyes”? Jujubee cried her eyelashes off at least once and got one eye gouged out by Tyra – why didn’t she win? “She pulled her veil down over her face”? Raven ran out in that challenge excited as shit that she had a wedding ring on, and Sahara is the girliest of all of them – why didn’t they win? “She jumped onto her feet without any support”? Mystique is enormous and can do split-jumps – why didn’t she win? “She came out on her knees”? Morgan dresses and acts like a whore – why didn’t SHE win?!? OH MY GOD RUPAUL, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Ugh.
Anyway, RuMarx heaps some more asinine, reality-averse praise on Tyra for a while, leading Morgan to pull a bitchface and even Pandora to look less than sincerely congenial for a minute, and then asks Tyra how winning will change her life. Tyra promptly trots out the subject of her son for sympathy again, and says that she got custody of him and they have a place to live now. RuMarx also points out that Tyra got gigantic fake tits since the end of the show and fixed her teeth, which I’m sure is all for her poor son’s benefit as well and were also prayed for every night. And there’s my sarcasmeter blowing up again. The colossal bidouche explains that she didn’t do it because of how Jujubee read her or because of Internet comments against her, but for herself. And her SON, of course.
After that horsecrap is over, RuMarx brings out “resident biological woman” Merle Ginsberg and “always fashionable [inasmuch as junkie pimps are considered chic]” Santino Rice so that the queens can have their Raging Tatianna Moment at their expense. He asks the pair if they’ve met anyone in LA who’s “surprised” them as being fans of the show, and Merle says that she interviewed Johnny Weir on a red carpet and learned that he was a big Drag Race fan. Since Johnny Weir habitually competes in drag queen costumes himself, this is actually only a surprise to Merle, really.
RuMarx then asks Merle what stood out in terms of fashion this season, and Merle immediately says that she loved Tyra’s looks, which were very “Paris runway” and “Christian Dior” allegedly, and asks how she pulled it off. You know. Considering that she was supposed to be practically homeless and trying to support a child? Answer: Tyra is a lying douchenozzle – also not a surprise to anyone. Santino concurs, saying that hot-gluing things to one’s body is exactly what one does in a reality TV competition, and that it speaks to a competitor’s “dedication and passion”. Of course, Santino is also a nasty reality TV bitch, so he doesn’t really get to talk with any credibility here.
Speaking of which, RuMarx turns to the subject of how Santino was completely inept and (at least once) totally out of line when judging Pandora’s looks, and now Pandora really isn’t bothering to fake being cheery or happy to be here. La Supermodel asks her how she felt being critiqued like that, and Pandora says that she really had a hard time dealing with it. She elaborates that when “Here Comes The Bride” came around, she broke down crying in her hotel room because she didn’t know how to placate fucking Santino, and that even though she felt like she was trying to incorporate the judges’ critiques, being told “I don’t like your style” is kind of a deal-breaker. Santino in turn asks if Pandora thought that she had “the best personal style” and was “the most fashionable” every challenge – except that being a drag queen isn’t about any of that, and THIS IS NOT PROJECT RUNWAY OR AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL. And if you’re judging the competition under the illusion that it is – which both Santino and RuPaul have clearly done this year – then you’re doing an immense disservice to drag queens, and I don’t know why anyone other than drag queen models should apply for this show. In response, Pandora duhs that her style isn’t the most fashionable because that’s not what she does as a drag queen, and concludes that a stylist can always be hired, while a “personality facelift”, which several of the other queens desperately need, is harder to come by. Snap.
Left without a leg to stand on, Santino offers that the outfit Pandora is wearing today is “amazing, funny, young, stylish, and hip,” but that a lot of her looks during the competition looked like a “rehabbed pageant gown” or “weren’t up to [her] personality”. RuMarx agrees that it’s about “knowing yourself” and presenting it on the stage. You know. Even though he was guilty of wearing day-glo Muppet gowns and dresses made of sequins as big a baby’s head. Shut up, RuMarx, and shut the fuck up, Santino. Pandora gracefully says that if nothing else, she’s learned “not to second-guess [herself],” saying that for every one of her outfits that was slammed on the runway, she had had a different outfit in mind first and then decided against it. RuMarx then asks her, in fairness, to critique Santino’s current look, which as usual is a lot of drab colors and a stupid hat. Pandora breezily answers that she “loves `homeless chic’,” which pretty much gets universal laughs in the studio, even though Pandora was ridiculously nice. I mean, there was nary a word about how Santino is probably the definitive authority on what a crack whore would look like, since he totally looks like the Pinto-driving john who would roll on up to the projects to pick one up every Friday night.
RuMarx then goes back into diplomatic Zen master sage mode again and suggests that all the queens let out a primal scream directed at the judges’ panel in order to move past their anger, no matter how justifiable. The queens respond by pulling out buckets of fried cow brains and bull’s testicles and hurling them at RuMarx and Santino while letting out said primal screams. Pandora also fires those Hot Wheels launchers built into her outfit that I mentioned earlier, pelting them with really hard die-cast toy cars as well. Merle, meanwhile, was smart enough to run for cover with the Hunky Naked Minions beforehand.
…Okay, that doesn’t happen, but wouldn’t it be just a little awesome if it did?
In the end, RuMarx thanks the queens for “taking drag out of the closet and into the hearts of America,” even though he then totally pissed all over it by crowning Tyra Sanchez the winner because he’s lost his damn mind. All the other queens the fake-clap for that lying, two-faced, undeserving, lazy, good-for-nothing sack of mannerless, rude, classless bidouche as RuMarx reminds the audience that Tyra can be seen headlining the Drag Race Tour, where she will undoubtedly bore the audience to tears by walking up and down a runway stage for 15 minutes, because fashion shows are not entertainment, and if nothing else a good drag queen must be entertaining. La Supermodel also urges the audience to “Google, Facebook, and Tweet” at the other queens and see them in person, which is infinitely more likely than Tyra killing on tour. Well, Tyra may of course attempt to beat one or more people to death on tour, she’s obviously capable of that, but she probably won’t get any standing ovations for that. Unless the person she happens to be beating is, like, Ann Coulter or something, I guess.
Anyway, RuMarx says that the votes from the fans on the RDR website for “the most congenial” queen, or alternatively “the least shady.” Naturally, because this is really a Fan Favorite award, this year’s “Fabulous Las Vegas Miss Congeniality” is Pandora Boxx, who purportedly won “by a landslide.” Pandora does her best to act surprised – which is not very, honestly, but I’m willing to wank that Santino took a lot of the shiny happy wind out of her niceness sails – as La Supermodel puts a “MISS CONGENIALITY” sash around her and says that she’s won a 3-day, 2-night trip with airfare to see Cher in Las Vegas. Hmm. I could have sworn that Miss Congeniality was a (less than the grand prize, but still) cash prize when Nina won it, but that might just be the Bravo formula talking. Pandora then goes into Sally Field mode, fake-weeping “You like me, you really like me!” and I have to say, Jujubee's was better. After all, it involved falling down like a beaten housewife. Maybe it would have been more effective if Pandora had had an out-of-body experience and forgotten to breathe, with her wig coming off and shit. Damn, I think that’s the third sarcasmeter I’ve destroyed today.
So after inviting drag queens all across America to apply for Drag Race Season 3 – but, you know, only if you’re also a glamorous runway model who can come out on your knees and then jump up without support and cry behind a wedding veil, with one leg and hypoglycemia who’s battling colorectal cancer and is the sole financial supporter for a house full of orphaned leper children, or whatever the crazy nonsensical fucking bullshit – RuMarx forces all the queens to lip-synch to a remix of “Main Event” so that he can shill his disgraced album some more. It is only made palatable by Morgan and Sonique doing side-by-side cartwheels (revealing that Sonique isn’t wearing underwear – classy), Shangela once again expertly dropping it, Mystique fake-choking Morgan, and Raven fellating Shangela’s cornsage.
…Eh, fuck this shit. I need chimichangas.
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