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Why Do I Watch This? Recap – Rookie Blue Episode 1-1 “Fresh Paint” or “Andy McSuePants And The Futile Quest To Not Make Her The Next Meredith Grey”
Travelogue in on a city that no one wants to admit is Toronto. At a cop bar (judging from the painfully obvious squad cars parked out front) called “The Black Penny” a horde of aggressive uniformed officers are handcuffing a group of attractive twentysomethings who could not possibly look more like the cast of a fledgling TV show if they tried and pinning them to the bar proper. Introductions are made via a helpful cop with a receding hairline behind the bar: our heroes are “Chris Diaz” (a swarthy, square-headed bohunk type), “Traci Nash” (the token black, and a girl to boot, played by Enuka Okuma, quasi-famously of Sue Thomas, FBEye), “Gail Peck” (a bleached blonde with shock white skin and overly red lipstick who looks like she took a wrong turn looking for a vampire show), “Dov Epstein” (played by Gregory “Ephram Brown” Smith, who lets out an impromptu “What the hell?!?” most likely directed at his patently ridiculous character name), and “Andy McNally” (played by serial showkiller Missy Peregrym). If that went by too quickly for you, perhaps you might take comfort in that you will definitely remember Andy McNally’s name by the end of the night – probably because someone mentions it in every other line.
Anyway, Officer Alopecia behind the bar reads the cast their fake rights, which include the right to shut the fuck up about their less than stellar names and that means you Ephram, “remain calm”, and escape their handcuffs by any means necessary. The entire bar and some of the core cast members w00t with joy as Alopecia declares that the first rookie (or so the cast have been named) out of his or her cuffs drinks for free, courtesy of the other four who aren’t so lucky. With that, the cast rookies are turned loose. Diaz starts trying to pick his handcuffs apart with a fork, which I suppose is no mean feat since he’s doing it from behind. That didn’t entirely sound right. McNally uses her marked flexibility to wriggle her hands around her legs and in front of her before using one of her earrings as a makeshift lockpick. Errant vampire Peck goes up to an acquaintance in the crowd and demands the extra key that she knows her brother has on him. Cheap bitch. Hearing Person Nash and Ephramstein decide to stand back to back and pick each other’s cuffs.
Eventually, though, that cheap bitch vampire Peck and her spare key unlock first, to mixed reviews from the other four rookies. Officer Alopecia then sets out a round of shots for them and calls for cheers from the greenhorns of “15 Division [sic]”. Later, the piglets are uncuffed and at their own table as Nash brings over a fresh pitcher, and everyone’s former jailbait boyfriend Ephramstein gripes about their massive impending tab. He and Diaz then tell McNally that she was robbed by the “cheater” vampiress, who is enjoying her free drinks in a nearby alcove. McNally good-naturedly (or passive-aggressively, as is more likely) says that they were allowed “any means necessary” and shrugs it off, even though that undead cunt did practically cheat by having a perhaps pre-arranged spare key in the crowd. Diaz then declares that he loves being a cop and their entire precinct, which means he’s either a lightweight who’s already completely smashed or a naïve slab of beef whose job is just to stand around and be big and pretty. Nash points out that he doesn’t even know any of the other cops, but Diaz insists that they’re all brothers and sisters of the shield, which the others are good-natured and/or wasted enough to agree with. McNally and Nash then suggest that they refer to each other by their proper title of “officers,” which just makes them a bunch of boring and stupid drunks, really.
The next morning covers how each of the piglets comes to work at the 15th. I mean, the “15”. That is just never going to sit well with me. You’re not supposed to refer to a police precinct in the same way you would a commuter train. Although the idea of a police station called “the L” actually does sound a little cooler, now that I think about it. Peck, who is apparently one of those punk bitch vampires who doesn’t combust in sunlight, has an older white-shirted uniform ferry her in a slick SUV. Diaz, meanwhile, manages in a beat-up wood-paneled station wagon, and heaven knows where he actually found one of those that still manages to run this long after 1989. He also crosses himself and prays before getting out of the car, because that whole spiel about brotherhood and love at the bar and the fucking station wagon just didn’t cover how EARNEST he is. Next thing you know he’ll be downing a glass of whole milk while everyone else is having coffee or something. Nash, who is apparently trying very hard to contrast her Sue Thomas role, finishes giving a guy a BJ in his T-bird and then tongues him thoroughly before walking into the station in a hooker dress. In case you haven’t already noticed, Nash is apparently the resident ho, and this show kind of takes after its Canadian predecessor Queer As Folk, in that it thinks subtlety is for the weak.
Ephramstein is apparently a transplant from Portland or something, as he takes a 1950s-era bicycle to work. The show would also have us believe that he is the consummate gentleman of the group, as he quickly offers to shoulder HoNash’s giant wheeled Strawberry Shortcake duffel-purse for her on their way in. Last but certainly not least, if for no other reason that she gets to do a voiceover, McNally is apparently late and desperately not trying to let it show as she breaks out of a run and into a shifty walk into the precinct. Our tardy heroine exposits that the piglets have spent months training to shoot and fight and stunt-drive, only to have their elders tell them that they don’t know anything. Well of course they do; how else do you think elders keep their power and relevance with young people other than by making them think that they’re infantile and helpless? You have to fight old people for that shit; go all Dinosaurs and chuck their asses off a cliff into a tar pit, bitch! It’s called initiative.
We then cut to the morning squad meeting, where the camera pans over each of the now uniformed piglets as McNally says that everything that got them this far doesn’t matter anymore. Breezing through the academy (Diaz), connections (VamPeck), intimate knowledge of the ho stroll – I mean, being “hip to the streets (HoNash), or being able to “shoot a paper target from a mile away” (which may or may not actually refer to Ephramstein, who in this case would probably being a ticking time bomb of dangerous psychopathy) count for nothing on the actual job. The division’s staff sergeant tells the piglets as much, and closes his welcome address by telling them to “serve, protect, and don’t screw up.” Guess what’s bound to happen throughout this episode now, and more than likely before the first commercial break? That’s right, subtlety is for the weak!
The Piglets then track-trek down the hall, variously nervous and confident about their first day. Diaz, who is naïve but confident and EARNEST, declares that he has nothing to worry about thanks to his 3 months of academy training, and McNally adds that they’re just supposed to ride around in squad cars all day and follow their superiors’ instructions if anything gets hairy. Nash The Gash, however, is nevertheless afraid for her life, which is understandable since she’s just out of the transition from hooker to cop. With that, the three little pigs head out into the squad car lot to meet their training officers. EARNEST Diaz is immediately stuck with a gruff black cop who doesn’t have time for his shiny happy jibba-jabba. Ho ho ho like you didn’t see that coming from 36 blocks away like a fucking giant Macy’s Parade balloon. Subtlety! Weak!!! Nash gets all matchy-matched up with an older black female officer, who dubs her a skank- I mean, “Jenny From The Block” and informs her that the Strawberry Shortcake duffel-purse isn’t getting anywhere near her squad car. “Jenny From The Block”? Why not just rubber stamp “copyright 2002” in the corner of the screen? Finally, McNally gets partnered with Officer Alopecia from the bar, who just can’t get enough of saying her name since he allegedly doesn’t remember it from last night. I don’t even think Harry Potter gets this much name-dropping in his own shit.
On the street, Alopecia tells ANDY MCNALLY (because that is pretty much what it is like whenever you hear this chick’s name on this show; for maximum effect, I think they should just flash it on the screen every time in big neon letters and a 1960s Batman “BANG!” or “POW!” balloon) that new cops stand out like “fresh paint”, because they look and sound new. McNally says that it’s probably because they are new – ba-dum-pssh – and Alopecia says that that’s why they’re having “The Talk”. Said Talk is to inform such obvious tenderfoots like McNally that they should avoid embarrassing their training officer, do as they say and not as they do, and make sure their radios are worn on the correct side of their uniforms. A call from a nearby location then goes out on the radio, which McNally points out as they drive past. However, Alopecia waves the area off as “a hole” that she should avoid, saying that “Noelle” (Nash’s trainer) can handle it while they go for coffee and continue The Talk. And everyone can now cross off Jadedly Apathetic Elder Policeman on their Cliché Bingo cards.
Unfortunately for Alopecia, the dispatcher identifies his car as the closest unit to the crime scene, and he reluctantly allows a gleeful McNally to confirm that they’re going in. One U-ey and a sharp left later, the pair park outside a Cosbyesque apartment building, where a stout black woman with a little girl snits that she’s been waiting 15 minutes for the cops. Maybe it’s just my ghetto upbringing talking, but 15 minutes actually sounds like pretty good time to me; Houston PD easily took 20+ back in the late 90s. Alopecia proves relatively civil to the girl, but comes off as a bit of an ignorant dumbass as her mother complains about a possible fight disturbance in apartment 202 and the officer asks about the possibility of pit bulls. The little girl asks if she can see McNally’s gun, as children are wont to do, and the piglet politely tells her that it’s much too dangerous.
Shots then go off inside the building – and again that’s a bit heavy-handed coming right off that “guns are dangerous” line, but it’s infinitely less ham-fisted than Diaz’ EARNESTNESS or ANDY MCNALLY being the clear heroine of this show – and Alopecia radios for backup before dragging McNally inside with guns drawn. He tells her to cover him and not to shoot him in the back as they make their way upstairs and handle curious civilians, being very careful not to aim McNally’s gun at them. The piglet asks if they shouldn’t wait for their backup to arrive what with the shots fired, but Alopecia (who apparently suddenly now cares) says that he can’t afford to sit around with kids in the building. So it’s only *adult* poor ethnic people in slums that Alopecia doesn’t care about? That’s…better?
Nash and Noelle 2002 roll up outside the complex, and the ho piglet asks whether she should leave her gun in or out. Noelle ’02 gives her another Withering Stare, and they go in with guns drawn, as they are Backup and that’s kind of what they’re there for. On the second floor, Alopecia and McNally burst into the apartment in question and corral a trashy-looking blonde leaning over a young girl on the floor. Trashy Blonde yells that “they’re gone” and points them to the next room, where Alopecia finds a dead gunshot victim slumped in a recliner. Meanwhile, McNally attends to the deathly still teenage girl on the floor and tells her TO that she isn’t breathing and could have possibly ODed on something. Despite his previous affection for children, Alopecia is too skittish to do anything about it, leaving McNally to start CPR on her. In the meantime, the senior officer tells Trashy Blonde, whose name is “Sadie” that she’s supposed to be in jail instead of at this crime scene as he handcuffs her, leading her to sob that she’s on probation. McNally continues to CPR the girl into the commercial break.
The 15, Which Is Not The Bus To Sherway Gardens. Ephramstein and Vampira are on desk duty, since it would seem that the division can only put three piglets on the street at a time. Everyone’s ex-jailbait boyfriend is not pleased with this development, because he is the resident action junkie, while Vampira could not care less and is busy taking a call. The staff sergeant then appears, and Officer Boybait asks him if he’s allowed to take his gun home at night. The staff sergeant tells him to fill out a take-home form, hand it in to him, and he’ll let him know, and the tremendously enthused Boybait runs off to do just that. Meanwhile, the staff sergeant is all, “Not a chance in hell, my little domestic terrorist in the making.” Someone then radios for a “PW” (meaning a policewoman, for all of us uninitiated folk) to come down to the booking station, heaping yet another disappointment upon Boybait. Vampira heads off and is presented with a lady charged with stealing drugs from a hospital nurses’ station, and the bloodsucking piglet is instructed to search her and put her in holding. Vampira is uncomfortable, but the senior officer just shrugs and says that he can’t do it because of his penis.
So Vampira gloves up and takes the accused’s info down on a clipboard. Said accused – who is handcuffed to a handicap bar on the wall and has an oddly deep voice for such a pretty lady – says that her name is “Tabby Barnes” and is innocent. The savvy Vampira is all, “That’s what they all say,” and checks her for injuries or current medications. Basso Tabby rattles off an extensive list of hormones in response to the latter query and explains that she is an MTF transsexual. After a brief moment of discomfort, Vampira gets a sly look in her eyes and says that she needs a moment. Cut To: Vampira arguing with Boybait Ephramstein over which of them is more suited to perform the search on Misster Tabby, who again tells them that she’s transgendered and not “a man.” Boybait stupidly asks for a slow and detailed explanation of that, which in this day and age is not rocket science and can easily be explained and understood by most 12-year-olds. Of course, the last thing Noelle 2002 apparently saw on MTV was J Lo plugging her This Is Me…Then album, so maybe this show is set in some sort of antiquated and more ignorant time period.
Eventually the staff sergeant shows up again, wondering what the fuck is taking these two idiot piglets so long to do a routine search. Boybait less-than-adorably presents their situation to him, and the staff sergeant asks for Misster Tabby’s wallet. Upon reading her driver’s license, which still lists her as “Tabor Barnes” and a male, he summarily hands the rubber gloves to Boybait. Tabby just shrugs and says that she hasn’t updated her ID yet, while the evil Vampira squees with delight. Oh, Ephramstein – I miss your Everwood days already, when I could swear you weren’t nearly this much of a boorish pig...let.
Cosby Crime Scene. The paramedics arrive, along with Diaz and his TO, who assigns him to tape off the area. The EARNEST piglet asks if he shouldn’t take witness statements from the evacuated residents first, leading his TO to state that he should fucking tape off the crime scene and then “sit on” his radio already. Diaz proceeds to mourn the latest of his popped idealism bubbles. Suck it, dumbass. Upstairs, Alopecia grumbles that Noelle 2002, Nash, and the paramedics sure took their sweet time, and Nash quickly apologizes that they were looking for the shooter of the vic in the recliner. N’02 quickly tells her piglet to shut it before repeating the exact same thing, I guess just because she can. Okay, I get that Diaz’ TO is surly as a form of counterpoint, and Alopecia is arbitrarily racist, but I have no idea what N’02’s problem is with Nash. Did Jennifer Lopez take her man or something? Or maybe it was just a prostitute who looked like Jennifer Lopez? Or in Nash’s case, a black prostitute who maybe vaguely looked like a really dark-skinned Jennifer Lopez if you squint and drank a bunch of cough syrup? I suppose my point is shut up, N’02; don’t be hatin’.
At the same time, one of the paramedics finds that Floor Girl is breathing again and asks what happened, leading McNally to report her apparently successful CPR efforts. In response, the paramedic is all, “Ew, cooties!” Like, what the fuck are you a paramedic for if you have a prohibiting fear of cooties? Word of advice, people – don’t ever ask for EMS in Toronto unless you’ve had your circle-circle-dot-dots, it would seem. The medic then revives Floor Girl properly with a shot to the throat (perhaps of the aforementioned circle-circle-dot-dot variety) as Alopecia exposits that according to Trashy Blonde Sadie, the gunshot vic in the next room is a drug dealer who came into the apartment with a greasy-looking guy with dark hair and a black T-shirt, whom the police are now searching for. N’02 then dispatches McNally and Nash to secure the perimeter and ensure that no one enters or leaves, with Alopecia warning them not to get lost.
Once outside, McNally tells her hoey friend that they should start from the top floor and work their way down, with guns drawn in case they run into greasy black T-shirt man, who is currently their prime shooting suspect. The two piglets then make their way up the stairs, lying about how neither of them are scared; once they reach the third floor, Nash searches a corner apartment while McNally busts her way into another unit two doors down. Therein, she finds a muscley fratboy-looking smartass whose T-shirts are a size too small on him and a young Tommy Chong impersonator in a hat. She tells them to put their hands up and not to move, but Young Tommy Chong is the only one who complies, as the fratboy-looking smartass escapes out the window. McNally ineffectually tells him to stop several times, while Fratboy Ass continues to pointedly ignore her and even comes back to rescue Young Tommy Chong. McNally is forced to chase them down the fire escape by herself, as Nash cannot hear her from the other apartment, with FratAss taunting her inability to restrain them.
So McNally takes off in pursuit of Young Tommy Chong and FratAss, radioing for backup that doesn’t come and reporting that FratAss matches the description Alopecia got of the suspected shooter. In the process, she nearly gets run over by a nonplussed homicide detective in a sedan (who turns out to be Whitney from fucking Smallville; come on who else is playing Spot The Canadian Character Actor at this point?), come to investigate the shooting. Back on the top floor, Nash realizes that she’s lost her partner and hears a noise coming from a nearby, seemingly empty apartment. With a sigh, she draws her weapon and swears that she will whip out her hooker knife and cut a bitch if this turns out to be some kind of police hazing stunt. She then screams “POLICE, DON’T MOVE!” and tears open a closet in the apartment, revealing a terrified young boy. And scene.
On the ground, McNally slinks down a back alley in pursuit of her suspects, still desperately calling for imaginary backup, and finds FratAss and Young Tommy Chong conversing calmly around the corner. Once again she draws her gun on them, and once again Young Tommy Chong is the only one even remotely concerned about getting capped in the ass by the po-po. She props them up against the nearby chain link fence to collar them properly, only to have FratAss break off into a run. Fortunately, McNally manages to tackle him to the sidewalk while keeping Young Tommy Chong frightened enough to cling to the fence. The winded FratAss tells her that she really shouldn’t do this, but the righteously indignant McNally just cuffs him and order him to respect her authoritah already. She charges him with resisting arrest, fleeing the scene, and after a quick pat-down adds possession to the list when she finds a small packet of various recreational drugs. Or possibly Cracker Barrel Store candy – you can never tell these days. She then flips FratAss over and asks where he hid his gun, only for FratAss to slowly and carefully tell her that he doesn’t have one because he’s “on the job.” Of course, this means nothing to McNally, who proceeds to arrest his smarmy ass. She then proudly escorts both him and Young Tommy Chong to the squad car, distributing her one set of handcuffs between them.
Later, a decidedly smug McNally is loitering by the squad car, with the impending sense that this is all about to go very, very wrong for her getting closer and closer with each passing second. Eventually Alopecia comes back out of the apartment building and points out that having your radio turned off tends to inhibit one’s desire to get in touch with one’s TO. McNally then shows off the pair of perps she caught, taking great pains to note that FratAss matches the description of their shooter. Alopecia is not nearly as impressed as she would have liked, and says that they should drive the suspects back to “the barn”. He and FratAss then catch each other’s eyes in the rearview mirror, and immediately everyone (with the blatant exception of McNally, of course) knows that something isn’t quite right. Nonetheless, the TO holds his tongue – very badly – and allows McNally to continue basking in her alleged awesomeness.
Meanwhile, Diaz’ TO hands Trashy Blonde Sadie over to him and orders him to take her witness’ statement, while Nash delivers her found boy to Noelle 2002 and points out that he couldn’t possibly be a resident of the building because his shoes are too expensive. N’02 just shrugs and calls child services, a.k.a. “children’s aid”, as Nash tries to get the boy (whose name is “Joe”) to tell her what he’s doing here. However, Joe insists that he promised someone that he wouldn’t, although he does admit that he was playing a game where “you’re supposed to stay in the closet until he comes and finds you.” Nash is justifiably creeped out. And I have no doubt that it takes a lot to do that to a working girl.
Outside, Diaz is attempting to get information about their suspect from Sadie, but the raggedy skank refuses to give him anything until she gets a deal that keeps her out of trouble, Diaz’s recitation of the Criminal Code be damned. Tossing his EARNEST ass aside, Sadie calls his TO, “Frank”, over because this pie-eyed yokel is completely clueless. Or because she “can’t make a deal with a rookie.” You know. Whatever. Jaded Frank agrees to cut her loose if she gives them something useful, and the trashy blonde says that the one who shot “Mink” the drug dealer was some angry kid with brown hair and an orange T-shirt. But she adds that she was in the next room when the gun went off, so she doesn’t know exactly how the shooting went down. Diaz protests that they’re not properly following his precious Criminal Code, but Jaded Frank just platitudes that one has to “give a little to get a little,” which the piglet was being completely inept about. Diaz proceeds to die just a little more inside, as the TO tells Sadie that she’ll be fine as long as she gives them her statement.
Not The Bus To Sherway Gardens. Alopecia and McNally take their perps to be processed, and the TO makes a point of sticking the piglet with Young Tommy Chong while he drags FratAss away. He tells McNally that he will take FratAss to a holding cell, despite her Diaz-like protestations about booking him first, when they run into Ephramstein, who says that he can take both perps the rest of the way. Alopecia tells him to back off, but the detective that drove Nash to work that morning (and whom she totally blew as a thank you) suddenly appears and addresses FratAss as “Sam”, hugging him and welcoming him back from his stint in the “drug squad.” DUN! McNally and Young Tommy Chong are Shocked and Alopecia cringes, while Detective BJ tries and fails to preserve FratAss’s cover. Young Tommy Chong angrily realizes that FratAss is an undercover cop, while BJ, FratAss, and Alopecia argue about whose fault this is. Eventually, though, FratAss blames neither of them and pins this whole mess squarely on McNally for arresting him in the first place as Alopecia sets him free, and the now very much un-proud piglet is left to wallow in the drippy, uncomfortable sensation of all that egg on her face. Once again, I’m sure all of this would have had much more of an impact if we hadn’t seen it coming at the top of the fucking episode.
Staff Sergeant’s Office. Detective BJ begs forgiveness for blowing SamAss’ cover, while SamAss points out that he was standing there in cuffs and dressed like a punk, which is normally a big clue to anyone in the know that he was still undercover. Unfortunately Nash apparently sucked out BJ’s brain that morning along with his load, so that didn’t happen. SamAss then blames Alopecia for letting his rookie run around unsupervised, leading Alopecia to argue that they needed every set of hands they had to cover the apartment building. McNally, for her part, says that it was all her fault (except that it was totally that dumbass BJ’s), and offers that SamAss did match the suspect description they were given. SamAss snarls that he told her that she was making a mistake, to which McNally duhs that all criminals say things like that, and that he should have just told her he was undercover. SamAss duhs back that being undercover in the first place precludes things like that, especially since he was with Young Tommy Chong, who is allegedly the chattiest snitch in town. He continues to harangue “Bambi” about how she cost him 8 months of work and squatting in holes and being anally raped by vengeful hookers (possibly even Nash once upon a time) with strap-ons while helpless in a K-hole or whatever the fuck happens to a poor, put-upon undercover narc because she was trying to be a hero. Then he storms out of the office, figuratively flipping her off as he goes.
Okay, I can understand how pissed he might be since his operation went all verkakte on him, but still…I think we just saw the police equivalent of a diva losing her shit. And it just makes me even angrier than I usually am, because I was kind of all set to enjoy McNally’s pratfall here while the show sets her up to be an infinitely more relatable and less Mary Sue-ish Meredith Grey. But SamAss? Seriously making it hard to see this as even largely her fault. Detective BJ’s blatant idiocy aside, if SamAss was so fucking dedicated to his undercover role, how did his stupid ass get caught by such an allegedly lowly and incompetent rookie in the first place? Shut up, SamAss.
Bullpen. Ephramstein is trying to entertain Joe Trapped-In-The-Closet with magic tricks while Nash calls someone about an expensive high-end key on a rabbit’s foot that she found on the kid’s person. Unfortunately Boybait is all kinds of clumsy and accidentally hurls his trick coin across the bullpen, while whoever’s on the other line with Nash doesn’t believe she’s the police in spite of Caller ID. Diaz (who has now died approximately 37% on the inside) then brings in Trashy Blonde Sadie so that Vampira can search her and give her coffee in the event that she needs to crap out any heroin balloons, or so his TO advised him. And now the nimrod has died approximately 41% on the inside.
At length, Nash w00ts in triumph over finally locating an address for Closet Joe, perhaps by promising unimaginably filthy sexual favors to whoever was giving her a hard time over the phone. Hey, you can take the ho off the stroll… In the locker room, however, SamAss is still losing his shit and beating up on his locker. Again, I observe: this clown is the Naomi Campbell of the Canadian police. Before this episode is over, we’re probably going to see him throw a box of donuts at McNally’s head or something. Speaking of the Meredith Grey, McNally then shows up to tell the police diva that while she’s sorry about whatever part she played in this debacle, she’s not about to entertain his little Mel Gibson tantrum any longer. SamAss takes this about as well as you’d expect an unstable bitch to, and McNally continues that she doesn’t think it’s fair to put this all on her when she didn’t know “the secret handshake.” She says that if it’s any consolation to his bratty ass she’ll probably be fired over this (which, yeah right; not when this show might as well be named McNally!), but until then she still has a murder to solve and a shooter to find, and she could use whatever information he might have if he’d care to stop kicking and holding his breath on the floor long enough to help. And now I’m half expecting an icicle to fall from the ceiling and stab SamAss in the head, because it’s one thing for me as a recapper to call a character out on his shit, but having ANDY MCNALLY (WHACK! ZOOM!) do it is just a little presumptuous.
Fortunately, SamAss decides to be just a little mature – eventually – and tells McNally that the dead drug dealer, “Mink Barker”, had any number of people who’d want him dead, mostly for dealing a series of bad drugs that have resulted in 7 ODs in the past week alone. McNally then asks about the greasy guy the vic came in with, once again offering that it sounded a lot like SamAss looked. SamAss grumbles that it’s just gel and says that Barker’s partner “Mike Kowalcek” didn’t carry a gun, so he’s not the one they’re looking for. He then peels off his shirt, which isn’t exactly as disarming as it was probably intended to be since SamAss is decently cut but hairy as a motherfucker; if he really wanted to look like a filthy criminal, he should have gone with an outfit that showed that mess off more. He asks McNally about the aforementioned kid in an orange T-shirt, which she doesn’t know about, and tells her that he looked out the window of his apartment when the shots rang out and saw two kids running down the fire escape. He says that one of the kids ran into an empty building near where McNally “tackled [him and] tried to kiss [him],” and notes that it would be an excellent place to get rid of a gun. Then he takes off his pants, which is infinitely more effective and disarming, both on the audience and the piglet.
McNally shakes her head, allegedly because of the assertion that she tried to kiss SamAss, and asks why he didn’t chase after this kid if he saw that he had a gun. The crappiest undercover cop in the precinct replies that doing those kinds of cop-related things would have blown his cover, although probably not nearly as much as fucking Detective BJ and his astounding lack of awareness of his surroundings and propensity for hugs. He then sends McNally away and hits the showers, leaving her to find Officer Alopecia in the squad car yard and relay SamAss’ information. She insists on visiting the abandoned building he told her about, and while Alopecia is understandably reluctant to have anything more to do with her, he tosses her the keys and says fuck it. I still haven’t figured out if Alopecia’s selective apathy is a convenient plot device, or a result of the writers being as apathetic about him as he selectively is about everything.
Back in the bullpen, Ephramstein spell-checks Diaz’s report as the nimrod laments that he didn’t know they were allowed to make deals with the criminal scum. Constable Benton Fraser would never have stood for such misbehavior! Officer Boybait offers that finding out that “Homicide trumps all” is a learning experience. Meanwhile, Nash joins them and delivers the infinitely more pertinent information that it takes 15 to pee with their bulletproof vests and utility belts on. She then asks the boys to point her to Joe Trapped-In-The-Closet, who is currently being retrieved from Noelle 2002 by a strange man. The sluttiest piglet hurries over to investigate and overhears the man(ostensibly Joe’s father) telling N’02 that their female babysitter was responsible for trapping him in the closet, and that he left 10 messages trying to reach her. Nash then points out that the boy told them that a “he” was supposed to find him, as a game he plays with his dad. Closet Dad, who upon closer inspection looks just a little like a cokehead (but not by much, as I suppose the entire makeup budget for this show was used up by Vampira), starts to get a little shifty as Nash says that it’s some game leaving an 8-year-old alone in a crack house right after someone gets shot there.
Closet Dad sticks to his story but clearly wants to take Closet Joe and get the hell out of there. N’02 catches on and says that they’ll need this alleged irresponsibly sitter’s contact information to verify the story, at which point Nash sends Closet Joe over to the far side of the room and asks his father how long he’s been a junkie. Closet Dad denies it, even as N’02 discovers that the number he gave them for this sitter doesn’t work, and Nash quietly gives him hell for leaving his son in that hole all alone. Closet Dad then admits that he went back for him three times, but couldn’t get past the police barricade after the shooting. The disgusted officers then send him to apologize to Closet Joe, without even so much as cracking him across the face with a nightstick. How disappointing.
Crime Scene. McNally is relaying SamAss’ intelligence to Detective Whitney and offers that she can go and investigate the abandoned building herself. Whitney (whose proper name is “Luke Callaghan”) offers to walk her there because he’s totally hitting on her, and gives her big ups for actually collaring SamAss. He also recognizes her surname, and ANDY MCNALLY (ZONK! WHAM!) reveals that her father used to work homicide. Detective Whitney then lets it slip that he currently operates out of Not The Bus To Sherway Gardens as well, and McNally practically has an orgasm right there because she totally goes for his classically handsome ass over SamAss’ dirty bad boy qualities – at least for now. Subtlety? IT’S WEAK!
So McNally trudges over to the abandoned building, moaning over what an idiot she made of herself with Detective Whitney, and climbs in through a low window using a wooden pallet. She wanders up to an open area on the second floor, cuts her finger on some broken glass for absolutely no good reason, and then finds herself held at gunpoint by the infamous Kid In The Orange T-Shirt. DUN! DUN! KITOTS is visibly freaking out, but manages to order her to her knees with her hands in the air, and McNally asides that he’d make a good cop with such a commanding presence. And also, the loaded gun. Unless your perp is an audacious jerkwad like SamAss, I suppose, but in retrospect that’s what tasers are for.
Anyway, KITOTS commands McNally to handcuff herself, while the officer calmly asks for his name and where he found the gun. KITOTS sobs that he found the weapon in the room they’re in, and McNally tells him that she came to look for it herself. Her radio then goes off, causing KITOTS to freak out again and leaving an equally terrified McNally babbling about how she’s new and barely knows which side of her uniform to stick her radio to.
In the apartment building, Officer Alopecia finds Detective Whitney and complains that he can’t reach his piglet. Whitney says that he sent her outside to look for evidence, and Alopecia sighs that SamAss must have sent them both here on a wild goose chase to punish the piglet. Whitney just shrugs, and McNally’s TO clomps off to find her.
Back in the abandoned building, McNally gets wise and distracts the Kid In The Orange T-Shirt by asking why he shot Barker, while she discreetly grabs a piece of wire off the floor and starts picking her handcuffs. This just agitates KITOTS, who demands to know who else saw that. McNally tells him that Alopecia was there, along with Trashy Blonde Sadie (who turns out to be a prostitute; surprise, surprise) and the girl overdosing on the floor, among others. KITOTS asks what happened to the ODing girl, what little composure he has quickly deteriorating, and McNally informs him that she’s alive and in the hospital. KITOTS begins tearing up openly and starts to leave, but the piglet warns that the area is crawling with other cops, and instead asks him to stay and tell her what happened. She assures him that the authorities will go easy on him because he’s clearly not even 18, and says that she can help. She starts to stand up, but KITOTS just goes apeshit again and orders her back down on her knees.
However, McNally has successfully opened her handgun and draws her own sidearm on KITOTS in a flash, telling him that if he makes any sudden moves she’ll have to shoot him. She then starts to lose her own shit a little and rambles that according to procedure she should have shot him already and begs him to put his gun down because she really doesn’t want to have to blow a kid away on her first day on the force. Luckily, KITOTS quickly breaks down and lowers his weapon, telling McNally that the ODing girl is his 15-year-old sister. As she takes the gun from him, he says that he thought his sister had died from the overdose, and Barker refused to tell him what she took and didn’t care what happened to her. McNally deduces that he then shot the dealer, ditched the gun in the abandoned building, panicked, and ran, coming back now to cover his tracks. KITOTS sobs that he didn’t mean to kill the dealer, and the piglet does her best to calm him down as she surreptitiously cuffs him. Then there’s a lot of slow motion and obscure indie-type music as she leads him down to the squad car and an impressed Alopecia (whose name appears to be “Shaw”). And ANDY MCNALLY (ZING! BLAMMO!) saves the day! Barf.
Not The Bus To Sherway Gardens. Later, Officer Alopecia exposits that he called the hospital and learned that the ODing girl did in fact pull through, and McNally says that he should pass the word along to the Kid In The Orange T-Shirt. Alopecia then reveals that McNally’s father was his training officer back in the day, and says that he heard he “hit a rough patch” a while back, but never lost his respect for him. He tells her that his whole spiel about fresh paint rookie cops was something that the elder McNally told him, and then the entire conversation turns into a really big and ambiguous non sequitur that loses whatever sense the scene started out with. I suppose what the writers were going for is that Alopecia is trying to say that McNally didn’t have such an awful first day after all and that her dad would be proud. Or he could be saying that McNally Senior is to blame for all the older cops treating rookies like complete jackasses. I was never very good with this kind of metaphorical decoding shit. Anyway, someone dropped the fucking ball amidst all the touchy-feelyness they tried to cram into that scene. Alopecia then hands McNally off to Detective Whitney, who remarks on the day she’s had and basically continues to belabor the obvious.
The Black Penny. Having come full circle now – seriously, the reason there are no more Looney Tunes cartoons around is because all the anvils have been commandeered by TV shows like this – Detective BJ and SamAss are commiserating at the bar when Nash comes in wearing her ho clothes again. BJ quickly sidles up to her and offers to drive her home and let her handle his gearshift on the way, because even with her newness to the job and her hoochie wardrobe, *he* is the stupidest, skankiest character on this show. However, Nash blows him off instead; insert irony here. McNally then walks in and thanks SamAss for his help, offering to buy him a drink by way of apology. Unfortunately, SamAss just tells her that her bungling arrest cost him the collar on an even bigger drug dealer/child pimp and declines her offer. Stay classy, SamAss.
McNally then joins her fellow piglets at their own table and huffs that in a way, SamAss should take getting arrested as a compliment to his undercover work. Ephramstein says that SamAss can go fuck himself because ANDY MCNALLY (ZORK! KABLAM!) collared the Kid In The Orange T-Shirt all on her own and bagged the murder weapon that closed a homicide investigation. Nash then good-naturedly mocks McNally’s notion that they’d be doing nothing but warming passenger seats today, as the piglets all raise their glasses to each other into another slow-motion musical montage, with SamAss casting pointed eyes at ANDY MCNALLY (ZOWIE! SPLOOTA!) when her back is turned.
Afterwards, Nash is walking home and counting down the seconds to her arrival over her cell phone as she reaches her front door. Once inside, she passes an older black lady asleep on the couch and enters her 5-year-old son’s room as the countdown hits zero, rushing over to sweep him up in hugs and kisses. At least, I think it’s a son; the room is colored for a boy and has a couple of boy-ish toys decorating it, but they’ve cast a really sexually ambiguous child here. Hmm…a hooker turned cop raising a hermaphrodite child as a single mother; THERE’S a character straight out of left field. I say go with it!
Back at the Black Penny, McNally seems to have lingered almost until closing time, which is quite a feat for someone who presumably works the day shift at a high-pressure, life-risking job. It’s all for a good cause, however, as she’s come to visit McNally Senior, who is hanging out by the delivery entrance. Papa McNally (played by veteran Canadian character actor Peter MacNeill, alias Detective Horvath from Queer As Folk and Major Matthew “Hawk” Masterson of Staff sergeant Power and the Soldiers of the Future, among countless others) asks how her first day went, and Piglet McNally offers that it was a mixed bag. After showing some concern about her injured hand (seriously, why the fuck would you just randomly nick your finger on broken glass? DIAZ is supposed to be the nimrod!), McNally Senior says that the first day is always the best, when everything is new and “the whole world smells like fresh paint, and you’ve been sent to keep it that way.” Yeah…that is NOT the message that carried when Alopecia said it. Maybe Alopecia is schizophrenic, and that’s why he’s selectively apathetic, misreads metaphors, and fumbles overemotional scenes?
McNally Junior echoes that the fresh paint metaphor came to her just a little differently, but her father ignores it and says that she’ll be fine because she’s “the real deal,” while he’s “a catastrophe.” Then he hands over his old badge to her, which has apparently become a family heirloom rather than turned in with his old gun they way everyone else does. I’m starting to think McNally Senior was drummed off the force for stealing office supplies. He tells his daughter that she should always remember that she’s ANDY MCNALLY (KAPOW! BIFF!) and she’s “gonna be great.” ANDY MCNALLY! (WHAMMO! YAZOO!) just grins into the fade to black. And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to succumb to the massive brain damage I sustained from trying to navigate this entirely too anvillicious showxylalalgsglsjhgwlhsgvsggggggvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
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