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Why Do I Watch This? Recap – Rookie Blue 1-2 “Mercury Retrograde” or “Martyr McSuepants And The Bad Guys Who Also Suck”
Fade up on “Joe’s Cleaners”, wherein ANDY MCNALLY (BOOSH! SHAZOO!) is picking up her uniform, which she apparently had to have cleaned after her nonplussing first day. Apparently her dad never told her that you can’t have the stench of failure dry cleaned away. Suddenly a woman outside yells for the police, and as per the dry cleaner’s suggestion, McSuepants drops her Starbuck’s and her uniform to head out and try to be helpful. I wonder if there’s such a thing as an “Idiot Sue”?
Not The Bus To Sherway Gardens. McSuepants has apparently caught a squad car ride to the precinct courtesy of Officer Alopecia, and brought the perp she dropped her coffee and dry cleaning for as well. She tells him that it was lucky they ran into Alopecia, otherwise she would have made him walk all the way to holding. In the meantime, the discontented Alopecia tells her to get her shit out of his black & white, which is not your fucking Manhattan taxi, Miss Sarah Jessica Parker Goes To The Police Academy. McSuepants then attempts (in a manner I suppose is intended to be charmingly hapless) to juggle the aforementioned shit and the perp while also reaching into her backpack for her ID in order to open the door. Eventually Alopecia is forced to take the perp off her hands, apologizing that she’s a rookie and therefore cannot actually juggle dry cleaning, coffee, and a petty criminal while also fetching a swipe card out of a bag. Apparently when you’ve been on the force as long as Alopecia has, you grow more hands – or perhaps that’s just how evolution compensated him for the loss of his hairline. La Perp grumbles that he can totally tell how green McSuepants is, at which point Alopecia does a 180° and points out that the green-ass rookie just caught him. Oh, Alopecia…you and your conditional apathy. Yeah, that’s gonna be charming for a whole season.
As McSuepants and Alopecia drag La Perp into booking, they run into the piglet’s nemesis from the last episode, Sam(Ass) Swarek, the crappiest undercover cop in Canada. She notices that he is in uniform today, and swarthy Swarek exposits that he’s no longer part of the undercover squad thanks to her. And also thanks to his complete failure to evade capture by a dumbass green rookie, much like La Perp, and the nearly equal stupidity of his friend Detective BJ. But mostly we’re to believe it’s McSuepants’ fault, because lest we forget Swarek is a dick. Anyway, Swarthy Dick and La Perp get to talking and discover that they both actually met McSuepants in the same way, leading Swarthy Dick to ask her if this one isn’t also an undercover cop as well. That would of course be statistically impossible, as the law of averages precludes McSuepants from running into two equally incompetent UC guys who could be caught by a five-year-old child wielding a toy fishing rod.
Cut To: the equipment locker room, wherein the Piglets are loading and strapping on their sidearms. Former hooker Nash is also reading everyone’s horoscopes and thereby plugging the episode title, citing that this installment of the show will feature side-splitting hijinks such as “communication breakdown[s], crossed paths, [and] nothing [going] as planned” because Mercury is allegedly in retrograde. McSuepants pleads with Nash The Gash to stop jinxing her with the daily horoscope, especially in light of how she supposedly ruined Swarthy Dick’s life even though he was the one who got caught and is friends with an idiot blabbermouth. Ephramstein, meanwhile, is still totally dickriding her because she collared La Perp on her second day on top of solving a homicide on her first. Peck, on the other hand, chides her for not being in uniform, with still EARNEST Diaz noting that it’s frowned upon to go chasing after criminals if you’re not on shift and in uniform. Nash then says that Peck must be a Capricorn because she’s such a raging bitch, even for a vampire. Ephramstein then chimes in that he’s an awesome Leo, which gets him overexcited while loading his weapon, causing it to discharge into the firing can and scaring all the Piglets to death. Diaz just points out that he going to have to fill out sooooo much paperwork for that stunt, which means that he’s probably a Virgo – the pussy of the Zodiac.
Briefing Room. Off the sound advance, Detective Whitney is briefing the division on some guy named “Don Reaney Jr.” when Swarthy Dick walks in to thunderous applause, causing McSuepants to try and shrink down into her seat, and possibly the floor. Staff Sergeant Boyko then calls everyone back to order and takes over the briefing, expositing that Reaney Jr. escaped custody during a prison transfer and is now at large right inside their own little corner of the city. As such, he informs the Piglets that contributing to his recapture would totally “make [their] bones” – whatever that means, in its misguided erectile-referencing way. Ephramstein is then assigned to work with Alopecia for the day (leading Alopecia to reveal that he’s totally made his own bone for everyone’s ex-jailbait boyfriend), while Vampira goes off with Dated Noelle and McSuepants ends up with Swarthy Dick. DUN! Everyone in the room “Ooh”s at this like they’re actually a bunch of 13-year-olds and not the thin blue line of law and order, and Boyko tells McSuepants to be gentle since it’s Swarthy Dick’s first day back. Wow, she sees him in his underpants once in the locker room and now even their boss thinks they’re doing it. And of course, they probably will be in the span of two or three more episodes, but come on, Boyko. McSuepants is the Mary Sue; Nash is the slutbag ho. The commanding officer then closes by telling everyone again to serve, protect, “and watch your partner’s back.” So if this turns out to be as contrivedly prophetic as it was last time, someone’s coming back with an ass wound tonight. The 15th Division is led by Foreshadowing – who knew?
Later, McSuepants is waiting for Swarthy Dick to stop bitching about her to Noelle and Alopecia when Vampira comes running up with two cups of Not!Starbucks on a tray. Noelle promptly accuses her of “kissing [her] ass” and says that she’s not going easy on the undead bitchling just because her parents are “white shirts.” Vampira keeps her eyes downcast and assures her that she’s just here to “listen and learn,” and Noelle (apparently satisfied) snatches one of the coffees and strides away, spilling the second all over the bloodsucking Piglet. Inability to properly make fun of Nash without bringing in a Jennifer Lopez non sequitur aside, the female TO seems to have decided that she’s going to be the biggest bitch on the show now. Vampira – who of course, cannot be killed by having liquid spilled on her, no matter how scalding, as she is not the Wicked Witch of the West – just follows after her, as perplexed about this weird game of Top Bitch she’s wandered into as I am. Detective Whitney then leans out of the doorway of the room he’s in to ask McSuepants if she thinks she’s being punished by having to pal around with Swarthy Dick all day. She diplomatically replies in the negative, but Whitney assures her that the “hairball” will answer to him if he screws with her. Then he totally flirts with her again before getting back to a phone call, and McSuepants is left terribly perplexed, as she thought it was all but a done deal that she would be fooling around with Swarthy Dick.
Later still in the squad car yard, Swarthy Dick briefs McSuepants on how she’s supposed to back him up, wait for his okay to move, and respect his rules since they’ll be in his squad car. He then adds that his biggest rule is that he resents her more than his parents, so he won’t be going easy on her. In response, El Sue asserts that he’s not even her type and that she “doesn’t date cops”. She’ll fuck cops, more than likely, but dating is out of the question. McSuepants then suggests they look for Reaney “around Gerrard and Jarvis,” as it is allegedly THE place for drugs and other criminal sundries which someone fresh out of prison might want. Swarthy Dick pretends to consider it for nearly 2 seconds before declaring that they’ll be following one of his leads instead. McSuepants folds obediently, because while she is the lead Piglet and a Mary Sue, the 15th Division is based out of Toronto by way of Afghanistan, and young women who step out of line get force-fed grenades and shit by the old abusive men. That’s probably not the manner in which the showrunners actually wanted to portray the relationship between the female Piglets and their TOs, but tough titties, that’s what they ended up with.
One street travelogue later, we catch up with Ephramstein (who is still totally half-cocked and raring to pump anyone who looks at him funny full of lead) and Alopecia, who is currently hovering on the side of more apathetic. Boybait questions his TO’s disinclination to share his near-psychotic enthusiasm for killing, and is told that they’re just here to look for “a weedy guy in a striped hoodie” who comes by this location every day. Alopecia then asks the Piglet what he notices, if anything, and he shortly pinpoints their target talking to two other guys by a water feature. The senior officer explains that Weedy Hoodie is a “known associate of Don Reaney Jr,” and tells his trainee that cons always check in with their dealers. He then instructs Ephramstein to go over and bring Weedy Hoodie back to the squad car without using his gun, reasoning that their suspect probably isn’t armed. And even if he is, and Boybait winds up with that foreshadowed ass wound from earlier, it just gives the two of them more of an opportunity to enter into a sadistic hurt-comfort fantasy, provided Alopecia’s conditional apathy swings the right way at the right time.
Ever game, Ephramstein marches right out and over to Weedy Hoodie and his friends. However, he barely gets out more than an “Excuse me, sir,” before Weedy Hoodie bolts down the street, forcing the Piglet to chase after him. Eventually Woodie decides to make use of the skateboard he’s carrying and grinds his way down a back alley and away from Ephramstein, only to execute an unplanned flip over the hood of Alopecia’s squad car when the TO arrives to cut off his escape. The senior cop irately says that he wanted the trainee to bring Woodie to him and not the other way round, as he slaps the cuffs onto the perp. Ephramstein points out between gasps that their guy did make the disobliging decision to take off in the opposite direction, and Alopecia merely sniffs that he shouldn’t have let him flee in the first place. He says that when you “do it right” the perps don’t run, and then berates the Piglet for not paying for the sandwich he was eating when he sent him off after Woodie and Woodie himself for skateboarding without a helmet. This is ABC, after all; Disney insists that at least one of the anvillicious deliveries on all of its shows has to be youth health/safety-related.
Asiantown. Amidst Vietnamese and Chinese signage, Swarthy Dick and McSuepants’ car pulls into a heavily graffiti’d alley. Therein, SwarDick directs his Piglet down the alley to a red metal door bearing a red gang tag. He sends her inside the building and up to the third floor to arrest one “Emily Starling,” and McSuepants balks at having to do such a thing by herself. SwarDick just tells her to man up since she’s “5-0” (a term that flies completely over her head) and adds that their suspect is wanted for “failure to pay child support” by the family courts. El Sue hems and haws some more, reiterating that they ought to be looking for Reaney, but SwarDick assures her that Emily Starling can lead them to him. He then presents her with a signed arrest warrant, which finally forces McSuepants out of the car and into the building.
Once she reaches the door, however, McSuepants finds it locked, apparently forcing her to call her father, who is currently people-watching at some café. When McSueDad picks up, his daughter asks him when she might have “authority to enter”. McSueDad rattles off several instances of probable cause and expresses surprise that she’s actually asking him for help, wondering why her TO isn’t answering these questions. McSuepants then tells him that her TO is Swarthy Dick, and her father concludes that he’d be okay with her just kicking the door down and busting in. With that, El Sue rams into the door with her shoulder only to injure it badly, and her dad advises her to pick the lock. He asks if she needs to be talked through that as well, but McSuepants says that he taught her how to pick a lock when she was 12 years old and that she can take it from here. She then hangs up and gets to work with a set of lockpicks from her utility belt, eventually popping the door open.
Not The Bus To Sherway Gardens. Diaz and Nash are on desk duty today, and Diaz EARNESTLY wonders why his chair is so high. Probably because everyone else in the precinct isn’t 7 feet tall, dumbass. He then starts to readjust his office furniture while complaining about his absent-minded girlfriend “Denise,” and Nash is surprised that they’re still together. Having a new john every few hours will do that to you. Speaking of johns, Detective BJ (whose given name is “Barber”) then walks up to the desk and tells the Piglets that word of Reaney’s escape has reached the media, so they’re going to be fielding countless tips on him from the public. He advises that most of these will naturally be crap, but he still wants them to keep him notified. Diaz then asks how they’re supposed to be able to tell crap tips from good ones, but BJ is too busy pulling Nash away for a $5 nooner. Left to his own devices, Diaz takes the opportunity to switch his allegedly defective chair with Nash’s. Although he’s still totally dying on the inside, EARNESTLY, by approximately 13%.
Asiantown. McSuepants ever so slowly makes her way up to the third floor of the building and announces her presence at the door of an office nestled within labyrinthine corridors filled with warehouse crap. Upon finding a woman at a desk who is presumably Emily Starling, she says that she’s come with a warrant for her arrest. Starling protests that she’s contesting her traffic ticket in court, and McSuepants says that this warrant is for her failure to pay child support. Starling, however, tells her that she doesn’t even have kids, at which point two Thug Extras appear behind the Piglet to menace her. El Sue is determined to make her collar, though, and flashes her warrant at the Thug Extras , but Starling explains that they don’t speak English. They briefly converse in Chinese while McSuepants take the warrant out of its envelope, only to find that Swarthy Dick has just given her a menu for a Chinese takeout place. Quickly covering her ass, El Sue puts the warrant away, cuffs Starling, and marches her through the Thug Extras and downstairs.
In the alley, Swarthy Dick is polishing off an apple when McSuepants returns with Starling, who immediately starts hurling furious invectives at the senior officer. She then asks what he’s doing in uniform, leading him to regale us with yet another retelling of how he was the shittiest undercover cop ever and got his ass caught by the same rookie he’s now handling, and yet it’s somehow the rookie’s fault. He also adds that “Pedro” the Tommy Chong-shaped snitch was with him when it all went down, and Starling concludes that now everyone will have found out about his secret identity as a Swarthy Dick with a badge. SwarDick then says that they need to get her “disappeared” and tells McSuepants to stick her in the back so they can leave. The Piglet obliges (though not before Starling gets a vicious kick in at the squad car) and then demands to know why she was set up with a fake warrant. “It’s only fake if they look,” the TO blithely replies, leading El Sue to hiss and rasp about following the rules and in particular his rules. SwarDick cheerfully tells her that he doesn’t have any rules, which she really should have gotten when McSueDad told her he’d be okay with her busting her way into a building with or without probable cause, and McSuepants huffs indignantly into the commercial break.
Not The Bus To Sherway Gardens. Detective BJ and Nash the Gash are enjoying their $5 nooner in one of the interrogation observation rooms, and BJ says that his oversexed dick was missing the opportunity to stick it inside her last night. Nash tells “Jerry” that even former hos have to go and do other things once in a while, and he claims to understand that their arrangement is strictly one of convenience fucking. Nash laughs and tells him that he’s cute when he’s talking about hooking up and friends-with-benefits and basically trying to sound younger than he is – which would be a lot more believable in and of itself if Enuka Okuma wasn’t 34 herself. BJ just says that he loves how he gets to nail her without putting in any actual relationship effort. Yeah, it’s charming couples like these that reaffirm my stance against friends-with-benefits time and again; all it does is turn people into lazy, ill-mannered jackoffs. Come to think of it, that’s probably why Detective BJ was so fucking stupid as to blow Swarthy Dick’s cover; all the free sex with Nash has made his brain leak out through his vas deferens, and everything’s now just sprayed all over her uterus or whatever.
Anyway, the light in the interrogation room proper then comes on, causing Nash to panic, but BJ points out that Staff Sergeant Boyko has just come in to do crossword puzzles and slack off in private. He also says that they’re hidden by the one-way mirror, and while Nash is amused (especially as Boyko checks his gut in the mirror) she declares their tryst over for now and tells him to leave the room first to avoid suspicion. When she eventually catches up with him in the hallway afterwards, BJ presents her with the gift of a new hooker knife in a ring box. Nash tells him that it’s “bad luck” to give someone a knife, not to mention bad taste considering once again that she became a cop so that she could stop being a prostitute, but BJ says that a cop can never be too heavily armed. He then directs her attention to the inscription on the knife’s folding blade, which reads “You so fine [sic]”. Wow, not only did he actually give an ex-hooker a hooker knife, he engraved it with 20-year-old slang. Stay classy, BJ.
The skeevey, lazy, ill-mannered jackoff of a detective says that she can always use it “if things go south,” leading Nash to ask if that’s why she was relegated to barn duty today. BJ admits that he did nudge Boyko that way a little, and Nash tells him that they’re not at the academy anymore and he is no longer her instructor, and that she would really appreciate it if he didn’t “sabotage” her. She then thrusts the box o’ hooker knife back at him and leaves, tossing back that the inscription is also “lame.” Well at least she recognizes that much. BJ sputters after her that “it’s a saying,” but unfortunately Nash does not yell back “Yeah, from 20 YEARS AGO!!! Were you gonna give me a Kris Kross mix tape too?!? ” Missed opportunity, yo.
Dick/Suepants Car. Emily Starling says that she has to stop by her apartment, but Swarthy Dick says that that’s the first place “Anton’s” people will look for her. McSuepants declares that he’s talking about Anton Hill, the drug dealer and child pimp he was chasing before she (and he; mostly he, but allegedly mostly she) ruined his UC gig. Starling keeps harping that she needs her stuff, and SwarDick reveals that she’s jonesing for her $900 salt and pepper shaker collection that she bought online. He tells her that she can always buy new ones when they drop her off at the bus station, and Starling argues that he promised her “5 grand” and a protected move “out west.” SwarDick says that isn’t going to happen unless she comes through on her end, and Starling says that she has something, but she’s keeping it as insurance. At length, SwarDick forbids her from returning to her apartment and tells her that they’ll figure something out before making a phone call. McSuepants anxiously demands to know what the fuck they’re doing, and the TO says that they’re “taking care of an informant” by leaving her with one of his trusted allies. Neither Starling nor McSuepants are particularly impressed with the shady hairball. And scene.
Not The Bus To Sherway Gardens. Diaz is fielding an in-person tip on Reaney from a Bit Player in an Old Navy strapless tanky whatever who is clearly flirting with him in addition to spewing crap. Then this doddering old guy who looks like John Malkovich and may or may not be a homeless drunk walks in tells Nash that he has information on Reaney. She pauses to grab a pad and a pen to indulge him, during which time he turns around for a cough-sneeze and winds up barfing all over the waiting area. After EARNESTLY covering the vomit up with a rack of pamphlets, Diaz elects to take Wino John Malkovich to the drunk tank. Nash protests that he had a tip, but Diaz declares that anyone who pukes on police pamphlets is a filthy criminal who deserves to be locked up with the key thrown away. His ignorant, naïve ass probably does come from some dry-ass county where Prohibition is still in effect, too. Nash Frets.
“161 The Boulevard Café.” Swarthy Dick’s car pulls up along the curb, and the crappiest former undercover cop in all of Canada hands the Saltshaker Snitch over to the café’s aproned proprietor. He tells her to behave and the café owner to keep up with his AA meetings. And scene.
Bitch Pissing Contest. Vampira and Supporting Top Bitch Noelle are riding along when the TO suddenly announces that she’s been shot. She quickly covers the car’s GPS and asks where they are, and the undead Piglet correctly says that they’re at “the northeast corner of Front and Cherry.” Supporting Top Bitch confirms her response and supposes that Vampira’s been playing that game since she was a child. The trainee replies in the affirmative, leading STB to say that she admired Vampira’s mother for “making superintendent,” which is no mean feat for a woman. She supposes that Mama Vampira must have been a “total workaholic” to pull it off, but Vampira laughs and says that her mother always told her that success was “90% luck [and] 10% timing.” So basically her mother got to where she is by being a lazy, yet opportunistic and more than likely underhanded cuntfarm; surprise, surprise. STB shrugs it off as well, since she’s playing a similar game, at which point the dispatcher on the radio puts out a bulletin that Reaney bought crystal meth this morning. The TO tsks and says that he’s probably tweaking right about now, hard, making him paranoid and retardedly strong. Vampira nervously asks what they should do, since that sounds an awful lot like a pissed-off Vampire Slayer to her. STB just tells her to “get the collar before anyone else,” like any good lazy-yet-opportunistic-and-underhanded cuntfarm would. Vampira is totally down with that.
Shithole. Swarthy Dick and McSuepants have come to the crappy apartment he used while he was undercover, and the ex-UC cop reveals that it took him “months” to make this place properly and believably fucked up. He then rips into the mattress with a knife while telling her how undercover work basically turns you into a dick, swarthy or otherwise. In the meantime, El Sue tries on his aviator shades and notes that he seemed lucid enough to keep one potted plant healthy, and SwarDick says that it was either that or blow his allowance on weed, booze, and Telebrands. She then finds a copy of Moby Dick on tape and asks if he considers Anton Hill his proverbial white whale, but the TO just tells her that it was the longest book he could find – another alternative to calling 1-800 numbers and buying a Slapchop out of sheer boredom. Having retrieved an impressive wad of cash from his mattress, SwarDick then answers his cell phone only to find out that the Saltshaker Snitch ran away from the café to get her insurance from her apartment. DUN! DUN! The police flee the shithole to chase after her into the commercial break.
House Of Snitch. After making fun of how he hides money in his mattress like a domestic terrorist or a paranoid schizophrenic meth head, Swarthy Dick tells McSuepants that Saltshaker Snitch is actually Anton Hill’s accountant, promoted and educated from her start as one of his 12-year-old hos. Now she allegedly wants to become a legit CPA, and SwarDick asks if the Piglet plans on squealing if he gives his mattress cash to the child whore-turned numbers gal-turned snitch. El Sue really doesn’t give that much of a shit, and with that they knock on Number Snitch’s door, only she doesn’t answer. SwarDick promptly kicks the door down, revealing that the apartment has been ransacked. He sends McSuepants to check out the next room, containing Number Snitch’s office and bedroom, also in complete disarray, leading her to ask what happened. “Nothing good,” SwarDick duhs, and the Piglet reacts appropriately with Dull Surprise. For your Emmy consideration, people.
Not The Bus To Sherway Gardens. Diaz is telling a tremendously disappointed phone-tipper that their son-in-law is probably not escaped tweeking prisoner Don Reaney Jr., and Nash’s line isn’t faring much better. Ephramstein then walks in and asks Diaz if he properly projects anything resembling fear, intimidation, or authority. The pretty-but-dumb one thinks he may still be embarrassed about his unintentional lead emission back in the weapons locker which may or may not be adorable in his eyes, leading Boybait to explain that Officer Alopecia isn’t taking him very seriously either. Pretty/Dumb admits that Boybait is a bit small, gangly, and Tiger Beat-y for a proper cop, which offends the twinky Piglet immensely. He points out that he graduated from the exact same academy as Diaz and the other Piglets, and then demonstrates his mastery of the [brachial stun] and the double ear clap, because Boybait apparently trained to be able to take down special forces-class combatants with low blow moves. Yeah, not really doing a whole lot to dispel this Dale Gribble image you’ve got going for you’re here, Ephramstein. Diaz tells him as much because the other boy Piglet is totally freaking his EARNEST ass out right now, along with Nash.
Having asserted his primal (and dangerously psychotic) dominance over the class pussy, Boybait takes off, just as Vampira walks in and totally ignores everyone, causing Nash to call her a complete piss rag. Diaz good-naturedly defends her, but Nash just pats him on the head and says he only thinks that because he’s “hot and oblivious.” She then asks if his silly-ass steady girlfriend Denise knows that he’s a blithering idiot who attracts badgefuckers like a pile of shit draws in flies, and reiterates that she has no idea what he’s doing still attached to his “small-town” girl, because monogamy is apparently like still believing in Santa Claus. Rather than point out that the only reason Nash thinks that is because all her years of renting out her vagina have screwed with her head, Diaz merely states that he’s still with Denise because he’s Catholic. Nash replies that she is also Catholic, but Diaz explains that he’s a non-fallen variety of abortion clinic-bombing kidfucker who wouldn’t “just sleep with anybody.” Offended, Nash asks if he just called her a slut, and Diaz apologizes and says that he just meant to call her “fun and easy.” You know, the truth. The fun and easy slut then leaves in a huff, because the truth still hurts even if it comes from a fucking himbo who does whatever the self-righteous child-molesting alleged rulers of all fallopian tubes and uteruses tell him.
Asiantown. As they pass by an “herbs store” that sells far more traditional Vietnamese dresses than it does herbs, McSuepants asks Swarthy Dick if Anton Hill’s people might have been the ones who turned over Number Snitch’s place. SwarDick agrees, surmising that they were probably looking for something and decided to just take Number Snitch instead. They then elect to return to the alley and the graffiti’d building with the uncooperative door, but walk in through the knockoff souvenir shop in the front this time. Inside, SwarDick asks one of the Thug Extras from before (whose name is “Dewey Ling”) where Number Snitch is, only to be told to fuck off. Thus Extra Dewey Ling then attacks him, only to be judo-flipped into a rack of kimonos and cuffed, and the TO sends McSuepants up to look for clues in Number Snitch’s office. However, all El Sue finds is that the office has been ransacked just like the apartment.
Not The Bus To Sherway Gardens. Nash brings Wino John Malkovich some coffee, because even though she no longer sits on cocks for money she’s still a people-pleaser. She then asks what he’s doing getting shitfaced in such a nice suit, while Winokovich just asks her if she can make his coffee Irish. Nash moves on to why he came down to the station in the first place, and Winokovich says that he saw the man they’re looking for, but he doesn’t want a reward. The Piglet reveals that there is no reward, but Winokovich ignores her and adds that his wife is always telling him to do the right thing. And now I’m imagining an alkie John Malkovich married to Spike Lee. Where are we on the production schedule for that show, ABC? Nash asks if the man he saw had any tattoos, and Winokovich confirms that he had “a big wiggly snake” across his face, which confounded him to no end because no one in their right mind would offer minimum wage to someone with such mofugly personal taste. The small business owners of Toronto are very are very particular when it comes to the caliber of tattooed criminals they employ.
In the bullpen, Detective BJ is going over the meth tip from earlier with Alopecia, but conclude that they still don’t know exactly where Reaney is. Nash then arrives with Winokovich’s tip, reporting that he saw Reaney enter “the Birch Leaf on Queen” an hour ago. When the senior officers press her about her source, however, she lies and tells them that it came from a “reliable neighborhood informant” who doesn’t want Reaney to know he snitched. BJ mulls it over and decides that the lead might be solid, and elects to check it out. Nash is elated. And an easy slut.
Asiantown. McSuepants is rummaging through some props when Swarthy Dick walks in, and she tells him that she doesn’t even know what they’re looking for. SwarDick tells her that they should be searching for some sort of collection of files, and adds that the Thug Extras admitted to seeing Number Snitch half an hour ago, being escorted by men working for Anton Hill. He says that she was still alive when they left, but that could all change if/when they find what they’re turning places over for. El Sue attempts to put herself in Number Snitch’s position and asks where she would put something valuable, and the impatient TO tells her that they don’t have time for such existentialist crap and hustles her away.
Cut To: SwarDick’s squad car pulling up, with McSuepants advising that they need backup if they’re planning to confront Anton Hill in his own restaurant. SwarDick ixnays that, and tells her over her numerous protests that he never actually “carded” Number Snitch, which is apparently what they do in Canada in lieu of arresting and Mirandizing you. As such, the division isn’t responsible for her, but they are. SwarDick says that he did it to protect Snitch, since putting a confidential informant into the system is like having a fatwa called on you in Iran or something, and adds that this is only turning into a situation because he got “burned.” Yeah, I’ve seen both Burn Notice and Archer and I know being burned is not at all the same thing as being such a lousy UC that your ass gets caught by a rookie, so shut up, SwarDick. Nevertheless, McSuepants winds up willingly taking the blame for this shit yet again, and SwarDick orders her out of the car and back into the precinct (where they apparently are) to start on her paperwork. He tells her that he’s going to find Number Snitch himself and he’ll be breaking all sorts of rules to do it, which probably won’t be up a dedicated Mary Sue’s alley. So McSuepants gets out and shakes her head at SwarDick as he drives away, because he has yet to recognize that she’s a Martyr Sue and could totally have used her TO dragging her through the mud some more to garner additional sympathy. Silly Swarthy Dick.
Car Chase. Three black and whites are en route to the “Birch Leaf Tavern”, where Don Reaney Jr. is apparently waiting in room 212. Upon arrival, Vampira and Supporting Top Bitch head around to the back while Alopecia and Ephramstein go in the front door. In the rear, STB leaves Vampira amidst the trash and dumpsters with orders not to move while she goes up the back stairs. Meanwhile, Alopecia and Boybait burst into Reaney’s room with guns drawn and apparently interrupt him trying to close the deal with a hustler. I guess the guy wasn’t exactly a GURD – who knew? The balding TO manages to pin down the man-ho, but Reaney – who really does look like Hispanic/Polynesian Mike Tyson up-close – hurls himself out the window, bounces off the trash mountain below, and takes off, ignoring both Ephramstein and Vampira. STB then returns and yells at the undead bitchling for not following Non-Black Tyson, leading her to remind her that she was ordered not to move. Wah waaaaaahh. Eventually, STB radios for more hunters and posits that Non-Black Tyson is headed for “the campus,” with Vampira and Boybait both becoming very Determined.
Cut To: The Campus, where Alopecia, Ephramstein, STB, and Vampira all split up to cover the grounds. Shortly, Ephramstein radios in that he’s found Non-Black Tyson near his position behind the library. Unfortunately, Tyson sees him and takes off running, forcing Boybait to chase him down across the quad. After a brisk footrace, the Piglet corners him against a wrought-iron gate and attempts to calm the desperate criminal down by pointing out that he doesn’t look at all like a real cop and that Non-Black Tyson could probably take him. Then Boybait pops him with his still-underhanded double ear clap and woots at the “ass box” that he is a real cop and he just totally smoked him. Unfortunately Vampira then swoops in to cuff Non-Black Tyson, insisting that she “needs this more” than Ephramstein and citing her old bitch mother’s 90/10-luck/timing rule. And with that, the bloodsucking cuntbasket delivers the perp to their TOs, totally stealing Ephramstein’s collar even after he did all the actual life-endangering hard work, even if he did basically result to something only slightly more dignified than a nut shot to do it. Stake her ass now, Ephramstein! Unfortunately, though, Officer Boybait just takes a hit off of his inhaler, but hopefully plans to chain Vampira up in the basement and light her stank ass on fire later.
Not The Bus To Sherway Gardens. Nash returns to thank Wino John Malkovich and tells him that his tip panned out. Winokovich says that he was happy to help, and the fun, easy, slutty Piglet tells him that he’s free to go if he feels sober enough. Winokovich just laughs and says that he’s been sober for 20 years and only fell off the wagon today. Nash just shrugs and tells “Walter” that his wife would be proud, at which point Winokovich reveals that today was his wife’s funeral, and thus the hard-ass fall off the wagon. This of course has absolutely no impact on Nash, who is too busy calculating how much money Winokovich’s late wife must have made after servicing him for 33 years to pay attention. Monogamy – like subtlety – is for the weak! THE WEAK, I tell you!!!
Curb. Swarthy Dick pulls up, checks his sidearm, and heads inside what is apparently Toronto’s answer to Comic-Con, only trashed and a little more like a crack house for Comic-Con nerds. He manages to make it as far as a makeshift prison cell questionably tastefully decorated with Golden Age Superman prints when a gun cocks and lodges itself around his trapezius. SwarDick silently curses and turns around slowly into the commercial break. Not that I particularly give a shit at this point; if he dies now, I may not have to her Martyr McSuepants going on and on about how it’s her fault he was the crappiest undercover cop in Canada. I could deal with her going on and on about how the crappiest undercover cop in Canada got killed because she wasn’t there to save him with her Sueness, see, because at least then his ass would still be dead.
Not The Bus To Sherway Gardens. McSuepants is sulking at her desk when Nash walks in, and Diaz asks her how she knew that Wino John Malkovich’s tip was real amidst all the crap they got today. He also asks her how she convinced Detective BJ to run with it, because in all his EARNESTNESS Diaz has no idea that anyone would ever trade sexual favors for others, even after they left the life of a prostitute to become a cop. Nash merely admits that she wasn’t completely honest about where the tip came from, and her dishonesty offends Diaz as a fanatical Benton Fraserist. The slutty Piglet replies that it didn’t matter that she “bent a few rules”, because they helped catch the bad guy and “earned [their] way into the platoon.” This just leads to a really obvious and tiresome argument between the two of them about who needs to lighten up and who needs to “tighten up,” although sadly Nash does not retort that no one has ever complained that she wasn’t tight enough. Instead, she just shrugs and says that their respective lightness and alleged lack of tightness are what make “the slut and Mr. Manual” such a good team. Well if nothing else, there’s your backdoor pilot spinoff right there: The Slut & Mr. Manual. I’d watch that. Diaz protests that he never called her a slut, except that he totally did and never mind that it’s perfectly true.
Nash just ignores him and tells him about how Winokovich was married for 33 years when his wife died, and that he lost “the thing [he cared] about most in the world.” This in turn gets McSuepants’ gears a-spinnin’, until suddenly she asks to borrow Nash’s car. The ex-ho reminds her that Swarthy Dick told her to stay at the barn, but El Sue insists that she just wants to check something out. Nash naturally cannot resist her Sue powers and hands over her keys, after which McSuepants hightails it over to House Of Number Snitch, where she proceeds to turn over the collection of truly kitschy salt and pepper shakers on the mantle. Sure enough, she eventually finds a flash drive hidden inside one of them, and the triumphant Piglet says that she’s going to make Swarthy Dick eat his words. Before that, though, she calls Detective Whitney to tell him about the drive, and he informs her that a “steelkey” flash drive like that is nearly impossible to decrypt.
Cut To: Comic-Con Crack House, where Swarthy Dick is being held prisoner by a bunch of skinhead Thug Extras. His cell phone then goes off, but he just ignores it and asks the older Thug Extra scribbling on a pad – who is presumably the infamous Anton Hill – if he also moves heroin through this place, along with crack and comic books. When the fat, bald, alleged child pimp and drug smuggler declines to answer, SwarDick asks about Number Snitch, only for the schlubby kingpin to play dumb about her. The crappiest former UC cop in all of Canada says that it wouldn’t hurt anything if he just handed Number Bitch over to him, but then also threatens to bring “a hundred cops” from the (fake) Anton Hill task force down on him if he doesn’t play ball. Schlubby Kingpin isn’t buying it, however, and correctly asserts that SwarDick is all on his lonesome. SwarDick refuses to give up and insists that he can either hand over Number Bitch or get arrested, only for Schlubby Kingpin to point out that he can’t charge him with anything. Still bluffing, SwarDick threatens him with bodily harm if he’s hurt Number Snitch, and Schlubby Kingpin psshes that he’s full of shit and should just get the fuck out right now.
McSuepants then sneaks in and trains her gun on Schlubby Kingpin, lying to SwarDick that the “perimeter is secure.” SwarDick seems truly surprised to see her, and the fact that that shows alone proves that he was and is a truly shitty undercover operative. El Sue tosses him the flash drive she found at House Of Number Snitch, and now Schlubby Kingpin starts to get nervous. Picking up on that, SwarDick uses the drive to threaten him, declaring that it must contain copies of Schlubby’s money laundering records, which would give them something to charge him with. Once again he asks the half-assed crime boss to hand over Number Snitch on pain of having the flash drive turned over to the police, and this time the half-assed crime boss sends one of his Thug Extras into the back. First, however, he asks SwarDick how many copies of his files exist, and he gives his word that the only copy is the one in his hand.
The Thug Extra then returns with Number Snitch in tow, battered but alive. SwarDick asks her if the flash drive is “it”, and she confirms that it is. Schlubby Kingpin then gets into this weird abstract moment wherein he states that the tiny peripheral really doesn’t look like much, but SwarDick notes that it would make his career and validate the 8 months he spent as the crappiest undercover cop in Canada if it got to the police. In any case, though, he sends McSuepants outside with Number Snitch and reaches for his gun to leave. Before he hands it over, though, Schlubby Kingpin snarls that he’ll hunt Number Snitch down if he ever finds out that there’s another copy of his dirty laundry out there. SwarDick just retrieves his gun one more time and backs out of the room. Notably without handing over the flash drive and without any of the Thug Extras doing anything about it apart from Schlubby Kingpin’s threats. And now we know how the crappiest undercover cop in Canada nearly caught Schlubby Kingpin – Schlubby is the crappiest crime boss in Canada too. Jesus.
Outside, SwarDick catches up with McSuepants and Number Snitch, who confirms that she’s none the worse for wear. He then asks if the flash drive contains the actual money laundering files, and Number Snitch says that they were. He asks McSuepants if she was able to copy the drive first, but she tells him that they couldn’t decrypt it. Number Snitch is then asked the same question – which is patently just a little stupid, considering that it’s her flash drive – and merely states that if she does have an extra copy (as if she doesn’t, dipshits), it’s her insurance “for when [she disappears.]” That’s assuming, of course, that she doesn’t just take back the flash drive that SwarDick didn’t even hand over in the first place. Lord. At any rate, the cops deposit Number Snitch back in the squad car, and Martyr McSuepants apologizes with questionable sincerity about disobeying his orders to stay at the barn. Seriously, that is my favorite new word for a police station; it could only have been better if they’d called it “the wallow” instead. Fortunately and predictably, SwarDick just says that breaking rules and disobeying orders means that El Sue was just “acting like a cop.” Yeah, a cop cliché from 25 years ago, when no one knew that Mel Gibson was a freaking nutcase. Way to whip out a beaten, dead horse and pass it off as something new by surrounding it with nubile young livestock, show. I realize that I just let that metaphor really get away from me and go to a truly weird fucking place, but it still applies. McSuepants just basks in the afterglow of having successfully martyred herself for her favorite cause once again.
House Of Number Snitch. McSuepants is helping Number Snitch pack while Swarthy Dick hands over his mattress stash to her. Number Snitch tells him they were “a good team” before it all went south – more fodder for El Sue the martyr, yay! – and hugs him goodbye, after which he and McSuepants fight over who gets to carry her hard suitcase. Eventually SwarDick takes the case while Number Snitch says a misty goodbye to her place, during which she is notably too traumatized to even look at her precious salt and pepper shakers.
The Black Penny. Vampira is shamelessly hitting on Swarthy Dick, going on about how alone and helpless she felt when she stole Non-Black Tyson’s arrest from Ephramstein, who is sorely tempted to upend his pitcher on her when he walks by but wusses out of going through with it. Instead he bitches about her to the other Piglets, which probably doesn’t do a lot to raise their estimation of him as someone who projects authoritah. Nash and Diaz summarily tell him to get over it, and the topic of conversation switches to whether or not women are actually more attracted to the male Piglets when they’re in uniform. Ephramstein is all, “DUH,” after which Detective BJ walks in and Diaz is once again forced to apologize for correctly labeling Nash a filthy whore who lets her former academy instructors-turned-superiors piss on her and shit in return for favors. He says that he really just meant to call her a “free spirit,” which is still just a really big euphemism for being a dirty slut, but Nash seems to be okay with that.
With that, Nash heads over to drag BJ into the men’s room and sit on his dick again, but not before McSuepants returns her car keys and tells her that she politely refilled her gas tank. The free-spirited hoochie is thrilled and says that the horoscope about misunderstandings and other assorted hijinks must have been wrong. El Sue disagrees, because the foreshadowing on this show is nothing if not anvillicious and pathetic in its attempts to be subtle and surprising, but it just gives her more opportunities to be a martyr so who really gives a fuck? This conclusion frees up Nash to go and hit up Detective BJ for business again, only to receive a lukewarm response to her appearance. Undeterred, the fun and easy one asks if he still has that hooker knife with the outdated slang inscription, which she now accepts with a little more proper gratitude. She also tells him that the “no-strings” part of their ho/trick relationship is now off, and she would like to go out to dinner with him. BJ is so shocked that she has to leave for a bit so he can think it over. Hos are complicated, y’all – think twice about whether or not shit like this is worth it before you decide to be all Officer Save-A-Insert The Obvious Here like BJ.
Of course, this show would not be this show if we did not close with McSuepants at the center of everything yet again, as we cut back to her ogling Swarthy Dick’s ass over her beer stein as he walks out. El Sue proceeds to chase him out into the parking lot and asks him how (if at all) he knows that Schlubby Kingpin isn’t going to chase Number Snitch “out west,” a.k.a. “Kelowna.” SwarDick then reveals that he lied when he told her that Number Snitch was headed to Kelowna, not necessarily because he thought McSuepants might snitch herself, but simply to keep the number of people in the know to a minimum. El Sue then says that she can’t believe he gave up his whole case for her, and SwarDick says that the flash drive may have simply been a bluff, as Number Snitch is “smart that way.” McSuepants then asks if he was scared when he was alone with Schlubby Kingpin and his men, and he admits that he was. When he asks the same of her, however, she replies that she wasn’t afraid at all because she knew that Schlubby and his gang were just as incompetent at their jobs as SwarDick is at his, because THEY DIDN’T EVEN TAKE THE FUCKING FLASH DRIVE. Or that knowing SwarDick was there with her just gave her confidence. You know. Whatever.
At length, SwarDick offers to drive McSuepants home, and then they nearly kiss, but McSuepants pulls away and says that she doesn’t want to be the one who fucks her TO during her first week on the force. After all, it’s bad enough that Vampira and Noelle have their crazy Top Bitch competition going on, and El Sue isn’t nearly enough of a cunt as to blatantly steal Nash’s role as the precinct ho away from her in the same way. SwarDick recovers quickly and reiterates that she isn’t his type anyway, and they both agree to “disregard.” Meanwhile, this works out perfectly for Vampira, who is still totally hunting SwarDick for his hirsute bad boy blood and lurking around the corner watching them. Creeeeeepyyyyy~! With that, SwarDick drives away, Vampira returns to the shadows from whence her bitch ass came, and McSuepants leans against a car and stares up at the heavens, because a martyr Sue’s life is just soooooo hard! Yecchh.
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