RuPaul's Drag Race 2-7 "Once Upon A Queen"

In which Raven almost has her perfect day at Tatianna's expense, the racism line is sorely tested with Jujubee, Pandora takes some seriously out-of-line shit from Santino and responds admirably, which is apparently the story of her life, Jessica gets craaaaaaaaaaazy drunk on Absolut Berry ASAYEEEE! and Tyra wants you to believe that she used to be a mean, arrogant bitch. The same way that Mel Gibson used to be an anti-Semite, or Scientologists used to be out of their goddamned minds. Naturally.



Why Do I Watch This? Recap – RuPaul’s Drag Race 2-7 “Once Upon A Queen” or “ASAYEEEE! Is The Sound I Make Whenever Something Good Happens For Raven Or Tyra”




Alarms. The remaining queens roll up out of bed, groom themselves, pee (thanks, Jessica), and head on into the workroom. They all take a gander at Sahara Davenport’s parting lipstick, and Jessica fake-accuses Jujubee of sending her home. Juju just stares out into the distance in a daze, because he’s currently wearing Sahara’s green-streaked asymmetrical bob wig, and the dye has seeped into his brain. Raven then asks him how it felt to finally have to LSFYL, and Jujubee says that he doesn’t want to discuss it. He interviews that he suuuuuucked in the last challenge and that he never wants to have to LSFYL again.



Raven (who is oddly civil this morning) moves on to discuss how Jujubee was in theater and musicals in high school, and asks him about his experience. Jujubee says that he had a lot of friends, and adds that he was totally out in high school because “How the hell am I gonna hide that?” Lazy Entitled Self-Deluded Good-For-Nothing Beyoncé-Wannabe Tyra, meanwhile, says that he was picked on a lot in high school, and had shit thrown at him and was called “That Gay Boy James.” Which sucks, of course, but I’m pretty sure he’d still rather be called “That Gay Boy James” than shit like “That Punk-Ass Self-Absorbed Two-Faced Bitchaholic Tytrannysaurus.” There’s a lesson to be learned there. Jessica chimes in that homophobic slurs are much worse when they’re in Spanish – which may just be because Spanish is his first language and he might not understand all the crap people call him in English – and details how he constantly had the word “pato” thrown at him. Jujubee says that the equivalent in his native language is something to the effect of “katui”, which may or may not require the speaker to use the voice of Donald Duck to say it. He says that it just sounds dirty even if you don’t know the language, and adds that his own uncle called him that. I think we can all safely say FUCK YOU, Uncle Jujubee.



Jessica interviews that everyone made fun of him for being gay while he was growing up, and tells the other queens that he was too scared of being prematurely outed to his mother to take the dance classes he wanted. Pandopher then reveals that he tried to kill himself because he didn’t understand what being gay was when he was younger, and couldn’t handle how different he felt from everyone else. Tatianna talking heads that he was shocked that the normally up and silly queen had something so dark in his past. Out loud, Pandopher says that he still feels that intense depression and despair every now and again because it never entirely disappears, but interviews that his adversity in coming to terms with his sexuality made him stronger and that he’s very happy with who he is now. Jujubee then asks for a Ru-esque “Amen,” which is probably the first time in two seasons I’ve actually felt that was valid and necessary.



She Mail then arrives to derail this intense and somewhat depressing line of conversation, and Max Headroom!RuPaul appears with a book entitled Drag Fun With Dick And Jane. After reading out of the book, she declares that it’s “[Her] kind of fairy tale” and asks the queens what their story is. RuGunn then appears dressed like a pimp, complete with hat, and says that because drag queens take a lot of flack, they have turned insulting people “into a high art form.” To that end, this week’s mini-challenge will be for the Racers to “read” (or the more common “throw shade”) each other, and Raven instantly gets giddy because flinging around his bad attitude like a monkey hurling its own shit is just natural to him.



Tyra is up first, and promptly lies that he *doesn’t* read people, which, uh, bullshit. Especially since he’s given at least one interview stating the exact opposite. RuPimpGunn nods, saying that it’s very “Christian” of him not to do so (or at least lie about not doing so, which isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement for Christianity, my dears) but brings Tyra up to him anyway and presents him with a pair of “reading glasses.” He is instructed to go down the line of the other queens and cut their shit down. Tyra first tells Tatianna that he’s “Eminem doing drag” because of the knitted beanie he’s wearing, which is pretty fucking weak considering how much Tyra dislikes Tatianna. Sonique would have made a better comparison of Eminem doing drag, if he’d worn a little less lip gloss. At Jessica, Tyra asks if “Dumbo” is flying in. He then says that he should get down to Jujubee’s level and squats to half his height, which is probably the first funny thing he’s said so far. He also calls him “an undergrown orangutan,” which I raise an eyebrow at because calling Asians any kind of monkey is a lot like going right up to a black person and calling them a “jungle bunny” or something equivalent. Tyra finishes up by making another weak-ass crack at Pandopher’s age and asking if Raven is “going swimming, or doing drag” due to his fondness for shorts, tank tops, and flip-flops. That was just sad; shut up, Tyra.



Tatianna is next, and interviews that he really doesn’t want to do this. Sure enough, after asking Tyra to smile and then quickly taking it back and asking Jessica if he “picks up satellite” with his wingnut ears, Tatianna shuts down and says that he can’t do it. RuPimpGunn tells him to “dig deep,” but Tati interviews that he couldn’t really think of anything to say because it’s “not [his] scene” to be an insulting bitch. Which is odd, because we know from Halogate that he’s got the fire for it, and also because it doesn’t take a whole fucking lot to show up that piss-poor attempt that Tyra put out. Raven totally take the opportunity to interview that Tatianna “runs her mouth about people, but doesn’t talk when she absolutely has to,” and how fucked up it is that Tatianna is even still in the competition at this point. Have some perspective, my dear drag emu; not everyone has a gift for being a rude, classless douchebag to other people. The world can only stand so many yous and Ann Coulters.



Next comes Jessica, who after flipping his imaginary wig hair informs Tyra that if he thinks his ears are big, he’s welcome to check out his cock. Then he calls Tatianna “fat,” which gets everyone helplessly giggling because it’s not exactly the most vicious insult and it makes it look like Jessica doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. He tells Jujubee to “go back to Shine-a-town [sic],” calls Pandopher “a gringa puerca” (a fat white girl who tries to dress sexily but can’t), and tells Raven that he just thinks he’s “the top model,” but that when he sees his face he “[Spanish Expletives Deleted].” Due to either clever editing or Raven actually knowing Spanish cuss words, Raven busts out laughing in response.



Jujubee interviews that he’s totally comfortable reading a bitch and will “read you to filth.” He asks Tyra if his barbecue was canceled, because “[his] grille is fucked up.” Tatianna is told that he’s not as soft as he thinks because of “the hairs on [his] chinny-chin-chin.” He calls Jessica a puerca right back and says in his own language that “he has a dog face and his body is HUGE!” Juju slips a little when he tells Pandopher that he needs to consider getting a tan, but recovers awesomely when he says that although Raven considers himself “legendary” he’s nothing but “leg and dairy,” with “dairy” implying that Raven has a giant gut. RuPimpGunn howls with laughter, even more so than usual.



Pandopher puts up the hood of his sweatshirt along with donning the reading glasses, and then says that if Tyra is America’s Sweetheart, “America needs a heart transplant.” When he puts his ear to Tatianna’s, he only hears the ocean. Bazinga. He tells Jessica that his drag clothes “look like a donkey fucked a piñata and threw up.” Jujubee allegedly has an asshole that gapes so wide, one could “go spelunking in there.” And finally, he says that Raven is such “a frosty bitch” than penguins circle his pole constantly. Oh, you go, Pandopher.



Finally Raven gets up and says that Tyra has “a grille that could put Black & Decker out of business.” He says that everyone thinks Tatianna is pretty, and agrees that he has “a beautiful face…for radio.” Jessica is told that if he’s going to call him a top model, he can bend over and take it from this top model. He then tells Jujubee that he should know a thing or two about doing manicures and pedicures – again, bordering on outright racism here – and tells him to fix his “hooves.” And lastly, Pandopher is told that he looks like he’s going through the change. Wow, that was pretty fucking weak too, especially considering that it came from Raven, who up until this point has easily and constantly spit out shit so vile it must have come from a starving African child dying of dysentery.



At length, RuPimpGunn declares that Jujubee is the winner of the shade-throwing contest, which means that Pandopher was totally robbed, possibly because he didn’t use an exotic language. Juju talking heads that he’s elated to have finally won something here. Afterwards, Ru brings in “Absolut Vodka’s image czar” Jeffrey Moran, because he has to, along with the Hunky Naked Minions, who are using giant ABSOLUT VODKA signs to cover up that they might very well be fully naked today. The man in charge of product placement announces that Absolut is debuting a new flavor, “Berry Açaí,” and that they will be using the queens to promote it. RuPimpGunn adds that as he’s written two books including the lifestyle guide he's currently shilling, this week’s main challenge will require the queens to write autobiographies highlighting their life experiences. They will then work with two photographers named “Idris and Tony” to shoot cover photos for their books. And so…will they have to get hammered on Berry Açaí Absolut Vodka while they write, and the most coherent manuscript wins? That almost sounds like it would be worth watching. Engines. Winning.



Writing. The queens are all scribbling in notebooks with cheap-ass black Bic pens, which makes for some seriously riveting reality TV. Screw RuPaul’s Drag Race – RuPaul’s School For Penmanship is the sleeper hit of 2010. Jujubee then walks in wearing an enormous feathered turban made of yarn, which pretty much stops the entire room. Tyra is the first to get all “WTF?” and Jujubee explains that this “thinking hat” gets his creativity flowing. It also looks like something Whoopi Goldberg would have worn during her stint on Star Trek, but I suppose that’s neither here nor there. Pandopher uses his interview to remind us all that the queens are being asked to write their own books this week and then shoot cover photos for them.



Jujubee – who appears to be the only lefty in the room; go lefties! – talking heads that this challenge is way different than anything they’ve been asked to do before, and is their chance to “let people know who [they] are.” Tyra then announces that he wants to dedicate his book to Beyoncé. Tyra, Beyoncé called; she wants you to know that she doesn’t give a shit and that you need to stop making her look bad before she sends you to that alternate dimension where she sent those three other Destiny’s Child members we’ve never heard from again. Meanwhile, Tatianna doesn’t know how to spell “successful,” which probably doesn’t bode well for him this week.



RuPimpGunn then returns for his proverbial Sniff ‘N Sneer™ moment and checks in with Tyra first. He calls him “Miss Jane Pittman”, being that he’s the last black queen writing (even though the association with effing Tyra is probably a gross insult to Ernest J. Gaines), and Tyra tells him that the title he’s selected for his book is “The Woman In Me.” Eh, I’d rather he title his book “Me In A Woman” and explain how the fuck he ended up with a kid. RPG asks what the tone of the book will be like, and La Tytrannysaurus says that he wants to tell the serious story of how his feminine side “helped [him] get back…to loving and understanding people, and allowing people to love me back.” Aw, that’s sweet…or at least it would be if it wasn’t only half true. We’ve been knowing that Tyra is all about having people love him, but Tyra loving and understanding other people? Pull the other one, bitch. Tyra interviews about his rather checkered past, saying that he used to be “out on the streets,” which is where he somehow ended up having his poor son who now has to grow up with his punk bitch ass for a father. RPG goes on to discuss his book cover, and when Tyra admits that he hasn’t had much chance to think about it, Ru advises him to just make sure that he “owns” it.



Raven is next, and his book title will apparently be “Young, Broke, And Fabulous.” Once again, I would have opted for “Mofugly, Lice-Riddled, And Rotting On The Inside,” but that’s just me being real about Miss Bird Caca. La Birdcrap goes on to say that his favorite chapter thus far is about his most productive long-term relationship, which has of course been with himself – because Morgan had an infinitely hotter boyfriend, and no one else can stand him. Rimshot! RuPimpGunn advises him to keep his target audience for the book in mind. In the same vein, I would advise him to market the book to someone completely different, as the crotchety diseased whores who would naturally identify with his real life story probably wouldn’t care enough to buy the book. Steal it, maybe. But not buy.



Next comes Jessica, who tells RuPimpGunn that his book is going to be kind of a celebutard vanity story in the vein of Nicole Richie’s book, where the main character is a blatantly obvious Mary Sue who gets everything she wants. More specifically, he says that his book is about a young kid who daydreams a lot, and in the end all his dreams come true. RPG says that the concept is very broad, and that he should make sure that his readers know that the book is about Jessica Wild. He also tells Jessica that it should have “a gorgeous cover” and a humorous title. Jessica interviews that he’s really sweating in this challenge because he tends to think in Spanish and must write in English, which makes his process take twice as long as the fluent English speaking queens.



At Tatianna’s station, RuPimpGunn learns that his book will be titled “Tati: From Teen Queen To Drag Superstar,” which presumes a bit much, in the way that I’m more used to Raven or Tyra presuming a bit much. Predictably, Tatianna wants to tell the story of doing drag as a young teenager, coming out in the 5th grade, and basically coming out the womb putting on makeup. It sounds like the drag version of Totally Joe. RPG asks how he intends to express this story in his book cover, and Tatianna says that he would like to appear “on a big huge stage.” Questionable. He talking heads that he thinks people could learn something from his story, and that he might have a bit more experience than a certain flea-bitten cassowary of a drag queen gives him credit for.



Afterwards, RuPimpGunn heads over to Pandopher, who is already hitting rubric points with his book title, “Out Of The Boxx.” He explains that it is about how he discovered himself by dressing up as other people (presumably women) and overcoming personal adversity, and reveals his multiple suicide attempts to RPG. Ru asks what his turning point was in life, and Pandopher says that he benefited a lot from discovering theatre and subsequently drag, and meeting other people like him and realizing that it was okay to be himself. RPG then asks if it would be accurate to say that drag saved his life, which Pandopher admits it did, and says that this story is a real contrast to his normal image as The Funny One and “the Goldie Hawn of the group.” He says that it adds a lot of depth to his character, and Pandopher agrees that a lot of people who are overtly funny develop their sense of humor to fight off dark experiences in their lives.



Finally, Jujubee also snags some early points with his title of “Memoirs Of A Gay-Sha: Jujubee’s Journey, And I’m Still Here.” RuPimpGunn loves it, and Juju interviews that he’s targeting his book to gay Asians. He feels that as a gay Asian male, people tend to see you as “a woman who was born into the wrong body” rather than a man of Asian extraction who happens to be gay, and he wants to dispel that line of thinking. He tells RPG that he will be highlighting what it was like to grow up Asian and gay, the loss of his father, and “[his] move across America.” In turn, Ru asks him how to say “fierce” in Laotian (which is presumably Juju’s native language and the one he insulted Jessica in earlier), to which he replies, “I would just say `Juju’.” Heh. RPG cracks the hell up.



In closing, RuPimpGunn tells all the queens that in addition to shooting their book cover photos, they will also be interviewed by “celebrity journalist Marc Malkin,” and advises that they show off as much CUNT as possible in that. He adds that one criteria of their performance will be how smoothly the queens can work plugs for both their books and the Absolute Berry ASAYEEEE! cocktails into the interview, and the more plugs the better. Then during the runway presentation, the judging panel will be joined by “best-selling authors” Jackie Collins and Gigi Levangie Grazer, the latter of which is the ex-wife of Brian Grazer and author of the book version of The Starter Wife, in case anyone else was as lost on her as I was. Jujubee squees with delight in his interview and declares that Jackie Collins “embodies what a diva is.” Yeah, I’ve seen JC on The Graham Norton Show and therefore know that she can be fairly entertaining, but I wouldn’t go so far as to agree with Juju here. I think she embodies what a trashy romance novel writer is, but that’s about it. RPG concludes by quoting “one of [his] favorite writers” and telling the queens not to fuck this shit up. …Yeah, that was less cute than it usually is.



Click, Clash. It is now time for the queens to shoot the photos for their autobiography covers, and Lazy Good-For-Nothing Tyra is up first in a black evening gown with a silver sequined bodice, a black feathered stole, and an enormous afro-esque curly wig. The photographers, Tony (a Hispanic guy) and Idris (a black guy), interview that the queens are supposed to direct them during the shoot, and say that it’s not just about wearing a dress and being pretty. It’s only been 30 seconds, and already the photographers are turning their noses up at Tyra. I love it. Anyway, Tyra’s concept is supposed to be three pictures of her representing the past, present, and future, and she interviews about how “photogenic” she is. Then Photographer Tony points out that she’s sweating like a pig on set because of the lights. He and Photographer Idris talking head that she was just “melting” and that it would have been okay if she’d been promoting a workout book. Snerk.



Pandora arrives at the photo shoot in a turquoise and black Moulin Rouge burlesque outfit with fishnets, and decides that she wants to be shot popping out of a steamer trunk from the large pile of provided props in the corner. The Hunky Naked Minions are also present to act as smooth muscular set dressing as well as fetching and lifting, and Pandora elects to have them hold the trunk open and help her to emerge from it. She interviews that she’s going for a “funny” cover (although I don’t know how funny her concept still is when it’s so friggin’ literal and a bit predictable), and tells the photographers (whom she addresses as “bitches”) to “lust over [her].” The Photography Bitches giggle accordingly.



Tatianna is up next, and is dressed like a refugee from Xanadu complete with rope headband. Her cover seems to be even more unimaginative than Pandora’s, with Tati just making eyes at the camera while the Hunky Naked Minions pretend to adore her. Honestly, this is more like the cover shoot I expected out of Tyra. She interviews that she was having issues with directing the HNM while also posing for the camera, and goes so far as to call them “uncooperative.” Eventually Tatianna decides to do away with them and just have the Photography Bitches shoot only her. DUN!



Next comes Raven, dressed like a completely blitzed, botoxed-and-plastic-surgeried-to-hell Donatella Versace again. Her idea is for her to be “at a yard sale,” which allows her to make the most use of anyone as yet of the mountain of prop crap available for the photo shoot. As one might predict, La Bird Caca is subsequently photographed vamping out on a chaise lounge amidst a collection of random crap.



Jujubee (Souphanousinphone) comes to her photo shoot in a red qipao and a red plastic Devo coolie, because while she wants to dispel the alleged stereotype that gay Asian men are not women born into the wrong bodies, she is not above pandering to the clichés of Asians wearing qipao and coolies. The Photography Bitches ask what her idea for her cover is, to which Juju Khan replies, “I just wanna look good.” What follows is mostly a bunch of shots of Jujubee pouting and holding a folding fan, and the Photography Bitches interview that she didn’t really use her allotted time wisely, pointing out that the fan spent half the shoot on the floor even though it was her only prop.



Jessica Wild is dressed as Wonder Woman, only in a solid gold costume with her signature giant floral ornament over her left boob. Her first shot is of her gazing heavenward with prayer hands, which makes her look like Wonder Woman doing some weird impression of the Virgin Mary, and the Photography Bitches ask her what the fuck she’s doing. Jessica says that she’s trying to think about her dreams, but Photo-Bitch Tony explains that it’s not coming across in her shots. To rectify this, Jessica puts her prayer hands under her cheek to make it look like she’s fallen asleep. O…kay. Photo-Bitch Tony accordingly tells her to think of something else because it’s not working, and Jessica mutters that this is not her “shallenshe.” She interviews that she is actually a perfectionist, and the way her photo shoot went really frustrated her. Photo-Bitch Tony attempts to prompt her in another direction and offers the giant pile of prop shit for her perusal. He and Other Photo-Bitch Idris interview that she seemed “defeated” after her first idea didn’t pan out. Jessica does seem to be pissed off and panicking as she sorts through the props, and when directed to select objects that “pertain to [her] dreams,” she brings in the scales of justice. Fortunately, she winds up selecting a fake award statuette and using the chaise lounge instead, which manages to generate some half-decent photos.



Back in the workroom, the queens are touching up their looks for the interview portion of the challenge, and Tyra experiences a lesser wardrobe malfunction. He interviews that they had approximately 5 minutes to go from the photo shoot to the interview, and quickly buttons herself into a gold business suit accented by one of Jessica’s corsets. Likewise, Raven selects a red Oprah-like suit for herself, but still finds time to criticize Tatianna for not making a costume change between her photo shoot and her interview. Meanwhile, Jessica asks Jujubee Souphanousinphone whether she should talk about her book or being a drag queen, and Juju reminds her that they need to focus on the book and the Absolut booze.



Speaking of which, the queens then experience some serious 11th hour difficulties in pronouncing the word “Açaí,” resulting in utterances of “Aseeya” and “Ahsee” from Pandora and “Asayaii” from Tatianna and Jessica. Tatianna even winds up writing it phonetically on one arm, while even Jujubee (who is about the only queen saying it correctly) becomes confused about whether to use “Berry Açaí” or “Açaí Berry.” Honestly I think it just sounds like a foreign curse word, or something you say when you’re being tortured. ASAYEEEE!



Interview Studio. Pandora (who has also elected not to have a costume change) appears to be up first for this part of the challenge, and warily wanders into a small, poorly lit space with a sparkly blue curtain backdrop, an office chair, and a glass of what I presume is a Berry ASAYEEEE! cocktail. I still think it would have been more entertaining to have the queens write their autobiographies while drinking and see what screwed-up shit would come out. She interviews that when she saw only one camera in front of her in the hideaway-like shooting space, she realized that it was going to be a satellite interview with the queens unable to see Marc Malkin. Hilariously, Pandora’s realization is accompanied by a (possibly staged) look of horror right into the camera. Jujubee and Raven have similar reactions, though without the timely expression of being aghast.



So Marc Malkin (who apparently works for E! and totally looks like Noah “HRG” Bennett from Heroes) asks Raven why she thinks she should win the competition, to which Birdcrap replies that she should win because she is “[Mofugly, Lice-Riddled, And Rotting On The Inside],” nicely plugging her book straight away. Unfortunately E!HRG isn’t that great of a reporter (or at least, he’s not that great of a listener), and asks Raven what the title of her book is right after she explicitly tells him. Christ.



Jujubee answers the question of why she should win by citing her “personality, style, and great big white teeth.” Meanwhile, Jessica says that she is “unique” and continually interrupts E!HRG’s questions to moan and groan about how much she loves Berry ASAYEEEE! E!HRG asks Tatianna how often she gets hit on by straight men, which turns out to be about every 10 minutes when she’s out in drag. He also appears to be a little perplexed about her attitude, which zigzags between being self-absorbed and being a very plastically polite Entertainment Tonight talking head.



Pandora’s book plug is not quite as seamless as Raven’s, but gets the job done. Tyra continues to insist that her experiences have taught her “how to love, how to give, and celebrate” – and there still isn’t a “Bullshit!” loud enough for that – and toasts everything with her “berry…drink…from Absolut.” Back to Jujubee, E!HRG asks her “where she hides her candy”, because he’s just so classy like that, and though it looks like her patience is tried with that remark for a few seconds, she quickly says that she’s got a pretty decent Halloween stash and that “it’s not true what they say about Asians, honey.”



Raven does a fair job of promoting the Berry “Asa-eee” cocktail, though not nearly as well as she did with her book. E!HRG then asks Jessica if she always drinks while doing media, and Jessica continues to be seemingly distracted by her cocktail. She and Pandora manage to pronounce ASAYEEEE! with minimal difficulty, while Tyra settles for “Berry Absolut,” and Tatianna fails to plug the beverage before the interview ends. Whoops. She then talking heads that the only thing wrong with her satellite interview was that she failed to plug her book. And the drink, apparently. Jessica’s plug of her book makes it into her interview but is seriously awkward and gets mangled and slurred – possibly because she’s an ESL speaker, possibly because she’s drunk on Berry ASAYEEEE!



Wigs, Mirrors, Personal Photos, More Wigs, And Makeup. The queens enter the workroom the next day, and Raven asks Jujubee Souphanousinphone how his “hooves” are. In response, Juju asks Miss Bird Caca how her “leg and dairy” are. Snap. Pandopher voiceovers that he does like all the queens who are still here, but the fallout cutdown-throwing mini-challenge from the day before appears to be rearing its head this morning. Raven likewise interviews that pretty much everyone got their feelings a little hurt in that mini-challenge, and says out loud that he’s fake-sorry “that [he] spoke the truth” and offended everyone. Just be sorry that you made that weak-ass crack about Pandopher’s age and said racist shit about Jujubee needing to know something about manicures and pedicures, Birdcrap. Jujubee replies that he wasn’t offended because Raven’s insults were for shit. And also, because he thinks that everyone should be able to laugh at themselves a little. RAVEN. Birdcrap just preens and says that it’s “hard to talk shit about flawlessness.” Bitch, please – the only flawless thing about you is how your skank ass can pass an egg the size of a basketball.



Tatianna just interviews that Raven has gotten more talkative since Morgan McSkullhead was eliminated due to not having anyone else to talk to, and is now forced to talk smack about people out in the open because gabbing about how everyone else is beneath his riddled streetwalker ass is the only kind of conversation Raven knows how to make. Proving my point, Raven asks why Tatianna had issues with throwing shade the other day, and asks the others if they think she will be called out for freezing up. Tati lamely offers that he just “couldn’t stop laughing” during the contest, and talking heads that he thinks Raven is just trying to “rattle [his] cage” because he wants him eliminated. To be fair, Tatianna really is providing him with all the ammo he needs, as he reveals that he forgot to plug his book during the satellite interview. Raven subsequently calls him “an airhead” in his interview and insists that he should have been in the bottom two during “Rocker Chicks” and is totally on a downward spiral. He then caps off his shit-spitting session by trying to disclaim that it’s all “Just [his] opinion,” which is nothing but an asshole’s piss-poor attempt to avoid taking deserved heat for being a douchebag. You want to talk about downward spirals, Birdcrap? Your ability to keep your herpes from flaring up is on a fucking downward spiral. Allegedly.



Runway. RuKlum-Seal walks out in a pale green gown accented with a wide white belt and matching headband on her red bouffant wig, looking strangely like Vanessa Williams. She greets the full-to-capacity judging panel, quipping about co-writing a novel called Queen Takes Queen with Gigi Qaddafi Danger or whatever her name is and giggling about how Jackie Collins’ latest title is called Poor Little Bitch Girl. I suppose I might be tittering too if I hadn’t known about that 3 years ago when she dropped it on Graham Norton’s show. Then again, RuKlum-Seal appears to be a lot more easily entertained than most people. Absolut ball and chain Jeffrey Moran is also here, and La Supermodel plugs her book again and reminds everyone of how the queens had to “pitch” their autobiographies, shoot photos for their book covers, and drop various plugs in a satellite interview. On the main stage, they have been asked to walk as if “dressed for a book launch party.” Engines. Winning.



Tyra emerges in a beehive and a lumpy body stocking of a gown with fur-trimmed sleeves. Deedee Jalopy Badger or whatever says that she stole J-Lo’s ass, and RuKlum-Seal adds that Tyra isn’t about to give it back. Given that the color and silhouette of her gown is so crappy, Tyra turns things up by playing to convertible fashion once again, shortening her gown into a skirt, producing a wide black belt that was apparently being used to form her cleavage, and removing the fur lining of her sleeves to create a more spring-summery look. The entire judging panel cheers at the transformation, and RuKlum-Seal calls Tyra the “poor little bitch girl.” Which…yeah, that kind of sums it up, really. Also, I’d call her convertible outfits the sartorial equivalent of the split-jump, except that Tyra is currently the only one doing it.



Jujubee opts for her straight wig and a light blue sequined gown that hooks around her neck. Bebe Zahara Stranger calls her a “finisher wife” rather than a Starter Wife, and Miss Souphanousinphone voiceovers that she always makes a point to make eye contact with each and every judge on the panel, calling it “the opposite of shade; the `Hey HEY Hey!’ look.”



Tatianna walks out in her own straight wig and a calf-length, long-sleeved prison-striped dress with a cleavage keyhole that might have been fashionable 25 years ago. She looks like she belongs in a Robert Palmer video. RuKlum-Seal makes the obvious prison jokes, while Merle says that you shouldn’t wear horizontal stripes “unless you’re Tatianna.” Tati voiceovers that she knows that her look is going in “a different direction than the other girls,” but thinks that she does look good. At least, if she wants to convey that she’s addicted to love, she looks good.



Pandora hits the runway in a green asymmetrical leopard-print gown with her left sleeve connected to a cuff on her right wrist by a rear-mounted sash. RuKlum-Seal says that she’s “full of surprises”, and Pandora voiceovers that she was trying to hit “glamour, but…still with an element of fun.” Cece Malarkey Felcher says that she looks like “if Courtney Love looked like a woman,” which Merle wholeheartedly agrees with.



Jessica Wild, like Tatianna, is wearing a tremendously dated outfit in the form of a sequined shift dress with wing sleeves, which only emphasizes how incredibly old she looks in drag. Almost as if to prove my point, Jackie Collins declares that she totally looks like her heroine Lucky Santangelo (born in 1950) of the eponymous novel series. Nonetheless, Jessica voiceovers that today “is [her] party” and that she loves the dress she’s wearing.



Finally, Raven walks out in a gold lamé gown with bracers and a chain across her cleavage, sporting a wiry blonde afro wig. Bitch looks like a fucking disco clown. RuKlum-Seal is astonished, saying that it’s “so not Raven,” while Miss Bird Caca herself voiceovers that she was going for “super glam” and feels like she should be “in Greek mythology and they should write a story about [her].” Oh honey, they did, and didn’t you hear? Medusa is one of the most recognizable monsters in all of human history. You really *are* legendary! AND leg and dairy, you miserable boycunt.



Afterwards, the panel first critiques Tyra in her pudding-filled pantyhose bag of a dress. Her book cover looks more like a DVD, her full finished title is far too long (The Woman In Me: A Guide To Letting Go Of The Past, Accepting The Present, And Looking Forward To A Better Future by “[That Lazy Entitled Self-Deluded Good-For-Nothing Beyoncé-Wannabe]”), and her triptych of pictures really doesn’t convey anything about the past, present, or future. It’s just Bored Tyra, Peeing Tyra, and Tipsy Tyra. La Tytrannysaurus explains to the judges that her book is about how she used to (used to?) hold grudges and how she was (was?) “A very, very mean, arrogant bitch.” So if we are to believe that crock of shit, her book must only cover the last two weeks of her life in this competition, then. RuKlum-Seal moves on to her satellite interview, and notes that Tyra stumbled over the word ASAYEEEE! (or “Asahi”, as she initially says it during this five minutes). Tyra replies that she decided to err on the side of caution by avoiding the difficult name altogether, but Jeffrey Moran says that her sponsors would have been incredibly disappointed with her had this been a real ad campaign. Jackie Collins doesn’t care for her book/DVD cover, which Leelee Chattahoochee Ginger calls “busy” but also offers that she liked how seriously Tyra took her book’s concept. You know. Even though she’s fucking lying through her unkempt teeth about not being a mean arrogant bitch anymore.



Jujubee is up next, and her final title is "Memoirs Of A GAY!sha: Jujubee’s Journey I’m Still Here [sic]” and she decided to forego the red plastic Devo coolie in her cover photo. Miss Souphanousinphone says that she wanted to show people that it is possible to emerge from difficulties in life and turn negatives into positives or some such self-help BS. Jackie Collins praises her title, and Merle says that referencing “another great book” was a smart move. On her satellite interview, Fifi Jabougie Waiter declares that she knows “a lot of Hollywood moguls” who would enjoy being Juju Khan’s tranny chasers, apparently because she declared that she has an excess of “candy”. I’m sorry, was that supposed to be a compliment? To anyone?



RuKlum-Seal calls Tatianna’s runway look “not jailbreak, but jailbait,” which, again, I have no idea if it’s supposed to be a compliment or a veiled insult. The cover of her book, Tati: From Teen Queen To Superstar, consists basically of Tatianna raising the roof in her Xanadu outfit, making her look like the drag version of [The Secrets Of Isis] or something. Tati proceeds to outline her story about being a 14-year-old drag queen again, causing Raven to visibly sulk with boredom, not that I can blame her when it comes to this story since Tatianna tells it in almost every episode. Weewee Givenchy Freezer says that the inspiring young queen Tatianna is describing was not at all present in her runway walk, and questions her self-confidence. Santino then adds that her dress would be okay if it were “three stripes shorter,” leading Tatianna to say that she’s given up trying to figure out what’s too short or too long on the runway. The other queens visibly balk, as she probably could have phrased her frustration better (not that Santino deserves much consideration anyway), and Santino merely offers that the full length of the dress makes her look like Morticia Addams. During her satellite interview, it does seem like Tatianna is preoccupied with her beauty and appeal to straight men – even though E!HRG did specifically ask about it – and Jackie Collins points out that she didn’t get her ASAYEEEE! plug or her book into the conversation. She then adds that that might have been fortunate because she isn’t dazzled by Tatianna’s title, and Jeffrey Moran says that her flubbed ASAYEEEE! product placement would have gotten her a talking to had this been an actual campaign.



Pandora’s book, Out Of The Boxx: How Drag Saved My Life, turned out much better than anticipated, with a wonderfully bewildered look on the queen’s face as the Hunky Naked Minions help her out of the steamer trunk. RuKlum-Seal is amused that the HNM were featured, and Pandora elaborates about her story of gaining self-confidence from doing drag. Then Santino comes in again and says that her green leopard dress isn’t glamorous, forcing Pandora to defend it as “funny glamour.” Santino replies that if she wants to look like “a coke whore,” she needs to “take the joke even further,” and even Tatianna and Raven appear sympathetically offended by that. Jeffrey Moran criticizes her for leaving “Absolut” out of her drink plug in her interview, glossing over her mastery of ASAYEEEE!, and RuKlum-Seal concludes by asking if Pandora has anything “to say for [herself.]” Pandora simply replies that her book is available both online and in stores, cracking the judging panel up. Oh, you go, honey. Especially in the face of Santino’s ugly jabs, that was enormously classy.



The Photography Bitches appear to have generously Photoshopped in a set of velvet ropes and a green and yellow print into Jessica’s book cover and gold wrapping paper dress, respectively, although she still looks like Wonder Woman rescued a fake Oscar. Her final title is simply Jessica Wild: Dreams Of A Golden Child, and Santino says that it looks like a book “a 9-year-old girl would buy” and isn’t sophisticated. The judges move on to her spazzy satellite interview where she may or may not have actually gotten drunk on Absolut Berry ASAYEEEE! and Santino goes on to say that it was in “train wreck territory.” RuKlum-Seal adds that her pronunciation made it sound like “Dreams Of A Golden Shower” at certain points, and Jessica (when asked) replies that she doesn’t know what a golden shower is. Sweetie, I say call yourself fucking lucky in that respect; that’s something you just want to un-learn when you find out about it, like what happens in the “2 Girls, 1 Cup” video. Nevertheless, Jackie Collins calls her “naïve” because of her lack of raunchy knowledge, because apparently Jackie Collins would get along fabulously with R. Kelly. Shut up, Jackie Collins – you were way nicer to have on TV when you were with Graham Norton. Meanwhile, Kiki Shadoobie Wanker calls Jessica’s interview “so bad that [she] wouldn’t change a thing,” and while RuKlum-Seal notes that the ASAYEEEE! was mentioned a lot, Jeffrey Moran calls her advertising “too sloppy” and says that she would have been fired in the car afterwards.



Finally, RuKlum-Seal says that she adores Raven’s afro, because she does have a great deal of affection for Blaxploitation kitsch, even if Raven unintentionally made fun of it even more than usual by turning up looking like Bozo joined the Mod Squad. Miss Bird Caca deadpans that her wig started out straight, but became a victim of intense humidity, which cracks up the judges. Her final book title is [Mofugly, Lice-Riddled, And Rotting On The Inside]: The Pursuit Of Finding Your Inner Trust Fund, and features Donatella Versace in a pair of Pumas and holding up a $2 pair of pumps while surrounded by an old radio, a tacky golden bust, and an antique blue telephone on a Photoshopped lawn. Raven says that she’s come from “so many broken things,” including but not limited to a broken family, a broken home, and broken relationships, which does a lot to explain why she’s so motherfucking broken in the head. Her book plugs during the satellite interview impress Jackie Collins (even if in retrospect she did end up looking like the poor man’s Amanda Lepore), and ZZ Bukkake Tractor calls her “sultry” and says that she could probably teach her how to be “more of a woman.” In a surprising show of graciousness (or possibly sucking up), Raven tells her that he would benefit more from taking womanly lessons from her, seeing as he’s “a man in a dress.” In any case, she successfully charms the panel.



The queens are then sent away so that the judges can deliberate. Santino jokingly praises Tyra’s title, The Woman In Me, while saying it in his (very similar to Tyra’s) negative-octave voice. Merle, who once again was all about convertible fashion herself this year, praises her lumpy pantyhose potato sack dress and appreciated that she lied through her fugly teeth in order to show them her fake vulnerability. Jackie Collins loved Jujubee’s personality, and Jeffrey Moran calls her taste level questionable but tolerable. I dearly hope that that was also a meta-stab at Jackie Collins and her love of golden showers. Skankwhore. Meanwhile, Skanky Jackie did not care for Tatianna’s look, calling it a “chain gang” outfit, and Hee Hee Salami Laser reiterates that she exuded no confidence in herself.



RuKlum-Seal says that Pandora has been a consistent “player” in the competition, but needs to take it to the proverbial next level. Santino once again pushes the line by calling her “someone who got off a Greyhound bus and became a coke whore,” and Ru says that she would definitely read that book and Nasty-Ass Jackie Collins probably would have written it. Moving on, Jackie Collins says that Jessica’s book title “wasn’t right,” and Mimi Wholahay Erasure says that her interview was unintentionally hilarious. RuKlum-Seal turns to Jeffrey Moran to discuss effective branding, and they agree that Jessica did not succeed in this area. Finally, Raven is universally praised by Jackie Collins (which together with everything else from tonight pretty much tells me everything about Jackie Collins I need to know), who declares her “[Subjectively mofugly, not infested with lice to the point where it would be a deal-breaker, and admirably decomposing on the inside.]” Nevertheless, RuKlum-Seal points out that Raven lacks vulnerability, and Jeffrey Moran says that she could have used some “restraint” in her interview, and that she almost oversold everything.



At length, the queens are summoned back, and Tyra is told that if she wants to be the next drag superstar, she must be “consistently dynamic.” Still, she is declared safe, as is Jujubee Souphanousinphone. Tatianna is placed in the bottom two for flubbing her interview and being “dressed like a referee” on the runway, leading Raven to smirk openly. Drop dead, ho. Pandora is told that the judges’ opinions were mixed on her, and that she is safe. Miss Birdcrap in her Cirque Du So Tacky outfit is then declared the winner of the challenge and is awarded a shopping spree at l.a. Eyeworks, which will hopefully do something to cover at least half of her pissy, overworked face. She interviews that it was about time she won a challenge and she relished it, because Raven is nothing if not entitled and overconfident. By process of elimination, this means that Jessica is also in the bottom two, and she interviews that she is determined to stay because she didn’t think she did a bad enough job to be eliminated.



So Jessica and Tatianna wind up Lip Synching For Their Lives, to the tune of Sister Sledge’s “He’s The Greatest Dancer.” For everyone who shares my temporal frame of reference, this is the song that provided the sampling track for Will Smith’s “Gettin’ Jiggy With It.” Honestly, I think the questionably great American public would have gotten more entertainment out of watching two drag queens LSFYLing to “Gettin’ Jiggy With It”, or any Will Smith song, really. Jessica immediately goes into jerky John Travolta finger-pointing dancing, while Tatianna favors slower and sexier movements. Jessica is also flinging her arms out and flipping up her hair whenever the lyrics go “Wow!” which is a bit much, and Raven interviews that she really is overdoing it. Sure enough, Tatianna is the only one actually lip-synching *and* dancing, and Jujubee Khan talking heads that she is “amazing” on the stage. Jackie Collins just looks intensely disturbed by it all. So you’re freaked out by lip-synching drag queens, but golden showers are commonplace for you? Hie thee to some rehab, you $5 skankwhoreslut.



In the end, Tatianna Shantés and Stays to everyone’s shock, including her own. She even asks in a tiny voice if RuKlum-Seal is “playing” with her, and voiceovers that she genuinely cannot believe it. Nevertheless, she is grateful to all the judges and hugs Jessica goodbye as she is told to Sashay Away. Raven is livid because she didn’t entirely get her way today. Oh go eat a dick, you miserable he-harridan. RuKlum-Seal calls Jessica “[her] golden child” in parting and tells her not to give up on her dreams. As she packs up in the workroom, she interviews that being on the show was one of her dreams and she made it come true. She says that she’s proud of what she accomplished on the show, and that she loves Puerto Rico.



RuKlum-Seal closes out the show with her customary preaching, although she alters her request and asks for “a Whoop-Whoop” rather than an Amen. Continuing in this vein of surprises, when “Jealous Of My Boogie” plays, the five remaining queens go into a group line dance number instead of the normal freestyling, leading all the judges to squee with delight. It really is so much fun to watch, and almost makes up for Raven rubbing so much salt in Tatianna’s wounds. Almost. Eat trash and die, you awful, horrible drag rhea.