RuPaul's Drag Race 2-6 "Rocker Chicks"

In which Raven's delusions of awesomeness actually work in her favor, Tatianna finds an outfit that is unflattering *and* trampy, Sahara pirouettes one too many times, RuPaul, Merle, and Santino's idea of dressing like a rocker is biker/rookie S&M bitch gear, Tyra doesn't know any musicians who have not previously been associated in some way with Beyoncé, and Jujubee chokes, hard. Which is especially bad, considering that this is a singing challenge this week.

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Why Do I Watch This? Recap – RuPaul’s Drag Race 2-6 “Rocker Chicks” or “Choking On A Jujubee”




Alarms. The queens roll out of their hotel beds, iron their inappropriate undies, and file into the workroom, where Jessica sings Morgan’s parting lipstick message. It’s only slightly better than Lazy Entitled Self-Deluded Good-For-Nothing Tyra’s singing, which is a little tragic. Jujubee then asks why Morgan’s message is written in two different shades of lipstick, and Raven goes on this spiel about how Morgan was “colorful and deep…and her lipstick ran out.” Heh. See, if Raven busted that sense of humor out a little more, without needing to rag on the queens he’s so very obviously jealous of (*cough* Tatianna *cough*) he’d be sooooo much more likable. Raven then wipes the message away and interviews that he’s sorry his friend is gone, but he now feels like he can focus on himself winning the competition more instead of wasting time exchanging advantages with Morgan. Or something to that effect.



Sahara then interviews that two times in the bottom is enough for him, while Tyra passive-aggressively talking heads that he supposedly doesn’t “hold grudges against anyone.” Tyra does add, though, that he feels like Tatianna still hates his ass. Yeah, that’s probably because you’re lying out your Beyoncé-imitating ass about the grudge thing and your cuss is still hateful. Shut up, Tyra. Meanwhile, Tatianna interviews that he doesn’t regret calling Tyra out at all because he needed to learn how to act right.



Jujubee proceeds to detail how he was tucked so hard during the last runway presentation that he got a genital blister and was scared that he had an STD. Thanks so much for that fabulous image, Juju – between that and your potentially having had scabies, you’re going on a total PR extravaganza lately. Thankfully She Mail then arrives before he can get any further into the story of his cock cyst, and Max Headroom!RuPaul drops a lot of rock song titles as hints. Raven proceeds to edify the other queens – who are probably not so much with the rock ‘n roll, if Sahara or Tyra is any indication – that their next challenge must have something to do with rock. He posits that they might have to make rock ‘n roll themed costumes, while Tyra thinks that they might have to form a rock band amongst themselves. Or rather, everyone else will form a rock band, while Tyra dresses up as Beyoncé again and gives the others the Destiny’s Child treatment. Come on now. We all know how she do.



RuGunn then enters dressed in black leather and a biker cap, which doesn’t make him look so much rock ‘n roll as it makes him look like a Hell’s Angels poseur or a rookie S&M enthusiast. The Hunky Naked Minions also wheel in a cart full of wigs on mannequin heads, and RuGunn explains that a great drag queen is always “pushing it to the limit” like a rock star. However, a queen’s hair must always be pristine no matter what limits she’s pushing, and therefore the queens’ mini-challenge is for them to style fucking expensive-ass Wig Pro wigs into “the biggest, baddest rocker chick hair this side of Tina Turner.” You know, before all the Buddhism took root for her in the ‘90s and forced her out of her spiky wig phase.



So the queens make a mad dash for the $1000 wigs, notably without the challenge supply roller derby shit that went on before Tyra and Tatianna threw down. However, Jujubee is heard cursing and calling the other girls “shady bitches”, and Raven voiceovers that events at the supply cart were like “vultures fighting over a dead animal in the middle of the desert.” Yeah, not exactly the best simile to use when you’re the only one with a bird appellation and look the most like an actual vulture, Raven. Meanwhile, Tatianna interviews that the 30 minutes allotted for the mini-challenge isn’t really enough for him to do great hair, as this is not Shear Genius. Elsewhere, Jujubee hunts down his teasing comb and interviews that he desperately wants to win this challenge, as he’s the only one who hasn’t won anything yet. And Jessica, by the way. Raven reveals that he has no fucking idea how to style hair, which is probably why he’s bald most of the time, and just decides to start cutting for the hell of it. Well that’ll be a fucking meth-addled train wreck. Elsewhere, Pandopher says that he’s trying to “think outside the box” as he creates some sort of acute-angled clown hair, which Raven interviews “looks like Cindy Lou Who from Dr. Seuss.” Snerk. Once again, he’d be so much more entertaining if his humor wasn’t so obviously compensating for his own jealousy.



After half an hour, RuGunn returns to judge the fucked-over $1000 wigs, starting with Tyra. Tyra’s mannequin head looks an awful lot like Beyoncé, to no one’s surprise. Jesus Christ, if he hadn’t been wearing what he himself identified as Rihanna hair in the first episode, you’d think Beyoncé was his only reference for anything. He interviews that he loves his “Sasha Fierce” hair and calls all the other wigs “trashy”, presumably because they are not Sasha Fierce hair. Bitch, even the real Beyoncé is over Sasha Fierce now; shut the fuck up, Tyra. Raven says that he tried to go with a Joan Jett/Pat Benatar hybrid, resulting in just a large messy head of black hair that RuGunn calls “conservative” and “a rocker mom.” Once again, Raven is livid that she didn’t win just by virtue of showing up today, which might actually be more hilarious than any of her cracks thus far.



Tatianna’s brown and sickly red wig is full of pieces of trash, cigarette butts, and bits of linoleum, as his mannequin allegedly just wrapped up a show with her fictional band “ThunderExpletiveDeleted” and got trashed at a hotel room party. RuGunn takes one look at it and the fucked up makeup the mannequin head has on and says that she needs to go into rehab. Sahara says that his only rock ‘n roll reference is Pat Benatar, so he gave his wig “an asymmetrical bob” with green streaks and a solid green straight shank of hair down the back, with a few crimped locks on the right hand side. It’s probably the most precision hairstyle in the room, but not very wild or rock-ish, so it’s probably not going to win. Pandopher then unveils his blonde avant-garde clown hair with neon gold streaks. Apparently the mannequin is supposed to be the infamous “Mustang Sally” and the poofy crown is in the shape of a guitar, complete with strings attached to two hairpins. Tyra interviews that he thought it looked like a mess and “three Halloween jack-o-lanterns” piled on top of each other, because it is *so* not Sasha Fierce. Douche.



Jessica comes out with a very billowy ‘80s style that is tinted red and green and hangs heavily on the left, which RuGunn says is like “RuPaul does Cyndi Lauper.’ Jessica says that he was inspired by the cartoon Jem, which is absolutely fucking awesome, and says that Ru could easily wear this tomorrow. RuGunn diplomatically says that he will consider it and that he appreciates that someone thought to give him a “backup” wig. To be fair, I could easily see him wearing it – or fucking Tyra, since it is a little Sasha Fierce. Finally, Jujubee has created a blue dragon lady with crazy streaks of metallic purple and electric blue and blue party streamers tangled in the hair, along with a ‘70s Ja’net Du Bois updo scarf, a blue tiara, and a cherry hanging out of the mannequin’s mouth. Jujubee explains that his mannequin “puts everything on to go shopping for deli meats,” and RuGunn asks him when exactly he lost control of the wig. Jujubee replies that it probably happened right after he got it.



At length, Pandopher’s guitar-headed Mustang Sally is declared the winner, forcing an obviously bitter Tyra and Raven to suck it. RuGunn then explains that the queens’ main challenge will be to transform themselves into “hot rocker chicks,” saying that they need to turn their CUNT up to 11 in order to win this one. Additionally, the queens will also be singing Ru’s song “Ladyboy” on the runway, and Tatianna immediately interviews that he wants nothing to do with this Fake Lady Rock Star shiznit. RuGunn says that he has brought in Terri Nunn of Berlin (the “Take My Breath Away” band) to coach the queens on vocals and performance, causing Raven to queen out so hard. He talking heads that he is all about Terri Nunn – probably because she always looks like she’s 10 seconds away from sneering too. Pandopher is then told that his reward for winning the mini-challenge is an additional 10 minutes during his session with Terri Nunn, after which RuGunn calls for engines and winning, with a corna thrown in for good measure – and perhaps also in memory of Morgan, who probably would have loved this challenge until the judges ripped her a new one for airing out her cooch on stage again. Skankwhore.



Later, Jessica is rehearsing “Ladyboy” via a portable CD player, and while he can apparently carry a tune he’s sounding a lot like his Disco Critter self. Tatianna asks if he’s ever sung live before, and Jessica reveals that he used to be in a band called “Rebeldia” (not to be confused with the Mexican soap opera band RBD). He also says that his main aspiration is to be a drag singer, and that if he only gets to win one challenge he wants it to be this one. Jujubee vehemently agrees, and interviews that he’s heard all the other queens sing and is confident that he can beat them vocally. We then hear Juju doing a few bars of the song, and though he says that he can simply “hold a note,” he is being extremely modest. Tatianna, conversely, is still freaking out about the challenge and his potential inability to perform well. He posits that he might actually just shit himself onstage, and Jujubee helpfully offers that that would be pretty “rock” in and of itself. Or at least, it would be a little Alice Cooper on a bender.



Makeup and Converse All-Stars. Pandopher reminds us all of the challenge to create rocker outfits and sing live, and quietly freaks out in the interview room. Meanwhile, Raven still has not stopped queening out over meeting Terri Nunn, while Tyra is vocally thankful that he has immunity this week. Meanwhile, the rest of America…feels the opposite about that. Raven asks if he can sing at all, and Tyra says that his caterwauling that caused three queens to turn against him was his actual singing. Goddamn, I wish he didn’t have immunity. Tyra adds that he hopes the judges don’t tell him “to shut the fuck up,” while Tatianna just has this look on his face that says that if the judges don’t say it, he just might do it for them. Oh Miss Tati, you already tried that and he’s still here and talking. Just hit him over the head with the sewing machine until he stops moving already!



Elsewhere, Jujubee seeks to rewrite the lyrics on their lyric handouts so that they’re more tempo-friendly for him, and interviews that he is extremely confident that he’s going to turn it out in this challenge. I’d almost agree, except that I know those are always famous last words. As Tyra is testing out a skirt that appears to have been made from an elementary school gym parachute, RuGunn returns to see how everyone is attempting to make it work. He stops by Tyra first, and the lazy entitled self-deluded good-for-nothing little $2 t-bitch skankwhoreslut tells him that he doesn’t really know very much about old school rock, and is therefore shooting for a more “futuristic rock” look. RuGunn asks him if he’s ever seen Tina Turner in the ‘80s, probably around the time of Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome, but Tyra says that the only reason he even knows about Tina Turner is because she once performed with – you guessed it – Beyoncé. RuGunn wears a long-suffering expression in response, and Tyra just giggles as if his ignorance of anything that doesn’t involve Mrs. Jay-Z is cute.



RuGunn then gets the hell away from that trying mess and heads over to Raven. He says that he has a feeling that being a rocker chick isn’t going to be much of a stretch for the resident bitch-bird, and Raven agrees. RuGunn then clarifies that Raven doesn’t sing at all, but Raven assures him that he can make up for it with a super-rocking stage presence and being able to say “fuck it.” Unfortunately that’s kind of been Raven’s strategy this whole time, saying “fuck it” and expecting to win just because he and his allegedly perfect makeup and delusions about looking 22 chose to enter the competition, so there’s probably a really good chance that he’ll actually be praised for this shit on the runway. RuGunn then asks who Raven thinks is his biggest competition now, and Raven singles out Jujubee (at least for this challenge), admitting that Juju can sing really well. RuGunn urges him to “step it up” today and exchanges cornas before departing.



Moving on to Jessica, RuGunn admires all the chains he’s attaching to his bustier and asks if he sings. Jessica replies that he’s not the best “in the world” (perhaps simply meaning in this room; after all, he’s already heard Tyra howling, so that should give him a bit more confidence), but believes that he can compensate with “energy” and “attitude”. RuGunn then points out the long blonde wig Jessica intends to use, as he’s been told that the Puerto Rican queen has “a signature move” that utilizes it. Jessica confirms that crazy hair flips are a thing he does (first seen in the “Starrbootylicious” challenge), and RuGunn titters with anticipation.



Next up is Sahara, who says that while he does sing, rock ‘n roll is not his genre. RuGunn reminds him that he’s been in the bottom two twice now, and asks what he plans to do to stay out of there this time. Sahara replies that it’s a matter of “overcoming himself” and “letting it out”, and interviews that he’s never been a very confident person and has a big fear of disappointing people. Also, he doesn’t know how to throw the corna. Wherever she is, Morgan McSkullfucker McMichaels is eating her heart out right now.



At Tatianna’s station, RuGunn learns that he was once in “chorus” in high school, but often cheated by lip-synching and hiding within the group. He explains that because he was picked on and made fun of a lot, he grew up very self-conscious and could never bring himself to do anything but lip-synch or sing very softly. Tatianna then interviews that kids started picking on him for being gay in the 1st grade, and was suspended for fighting countless times. In real-time, RuGunn advises him to learn to ignore the negative voice in his head that says he can’t do X, and train himself to hear an opposing voice that says yes he can. He says that he wants to see Tatianna “go for it” today. Afterwards, Tatianna talking heads that he thinks La Supermodel wants to see that he can bring something to the table other than physical beauty, and says that it wants to make him succeed and make RuPaul proud of him.



Pandopher is putting together a rather psychedelic hot orange and black sequined number, and RuGunn says that it will look great for dancing. Then follows an impromptu booty-shaking lesson, which I suppose every white guy could use at least once in their lives, after which RuGunn reminds him that he’s been asked to “push it more” throughout the competition. Pandopher agrees that he has to reach particularly hard in this challenge because he’s not a singer, and says that trying to become a rocker chick is very much outside of his drag comfort zone. Nonetheless, he says he’s willing and able to go there, and RuGunn leaves him to it.



Finally, RuGunn approaches Jujubee and tells him that the other queens are gunning for him because he’s allegedly the best singer in the room. Once again Juju modestly says that he can “hold a note,” at which point RuGunn reminds him that he has yet to win any sort of challenge, perhaps hinting that the time for restraint is over. Jujubee reiterates that he really wants to win this challenge, and interviews that RuGunn pushing him reminds him a lot of his relationship with his late father. Intercut with RuGunn saying that Jujubee has the chance to step out of the shadow of the other girls, Juju talking heads that his father passed away when he was 15, and that event is the reason he became a performer. In both his interview and real-time, he says that he’s going to ace this one.



RuGunn then announces that the queens will be getting to meet and work with Terri Nunn shortly, who will be on the judging panel tomorrow along with Henry Rollins, who has come a long way from when I saw him jump around and yell in only a pair of shorts on Saturday Night Live. Nonetheless, I’ve been seeing the preview of him on this show for a week now and I still have no fucking idea how RuPaul managed to rope him into this. I can only imagine a drunken, mistaken escapade with RuPaul at some point in the past that is now forcing Henry Rollins to do La Supermodel’s bidding or else. Tatianna and Raven are elated to meet him, calling him “[ever] so manly” and revealing that he harbors a huge crush on him and his “huge hands,” respectively. I’m not entirely sure what that says about what does it for Raven, but I know it disturbs me.



Terri Nunn. Jujubee heads out to the main stage for his vocal coaching session with Berlin’s frontwoman, who looks like a very young Joni Mitchell with two-toned hair. Privately Juju is queening out (though not nearly as much as Raven), but he manages to kick his brassy voice into gear and hit most of “Ladyboy” without problems. He does flub the words at one point, and though Terri Nunn tells him to keep going with his performance, she mentions afterwards that he needs to study the lyrics harder. She then asks him how he relates to the song, and Jujubee says that he thinks it’s about hitting the town with his girlfriends and having a good time. Terri Nunn agrees and says that he shouldn’t overthink it, but rather be in the moment as if he was on a serious E bender or something. Once again, Jujubee interviews that he is hella confident in his performance, barring actually breaking a leg prior to runway. Seriously, y’all – famous last words.



Tyra shyly tells Terri Nunn that he’s nervous and that he can’t sing, but Terri says it’s okay as long as he “gets the feeling across.” Tyra proceeds to stand stock-still and talk the lyrics like he’s Johnny Cash or some shit, and Terri Nunn interviews that Tyra was never able to get past how uncomfortable he felt. In real-time she reminds him that he’s going to be performing, and can’t just stand there as if he were in a recording studio. Part of me dearly hopes that he tries that whole “I learn by watching and standing still while everyone else participates” bullshit on her. Sadly, Terri just advises him that he needs to show a “connection” to the song and the performance, and Tyra smiles and nods while ignoring her because she isn’t Beyoncé. Bidouche.



Then it’s Raven’s turn, and Terri Nunn interviews that she thought he was cute. Whatever does it for you honey, but ick. Raven is also insecure about actually singing, and Terri tells him that he just has to “feel it” and make the audience feel it. To his credit, Raven isn’t awful vocally and has the most put-together choreography thus far (consisting of slithering across the stage, among other things, because a day will never really go by without Raven being a skanky ho). He interviews that Terri “loved” him, which she did, as she tells him that she wishes he was straight. She then reminds him that despite their little mutual love fest in rehearsal she is going to be judging his (stank) ass, and Raven promises to leave it hanging out for her. Terri Nunn thinks that’s hilarious – probably because she also thinks Raven is kidding. Remember this. Raven then returns to the workroom and crows (no pun intended) about how much more Terri loved him than he loved her, causing Sahara and Jujubee to be all “Well la-dee-freakin’-dah!” in response.



Jessica approaches rehearsal with probably the second best voice in the competition and a really severe, “I’m here, so fuck you” stage presence that is really the opposite of his usual persona. Terri Nunn interviews that she was impressed by his natural “communication” skills onstage, as well as his rocker kicks. Jessica, meanwhile, talking heads that he’s much less confidence in his voice than in his ability to compensate with pelvic thrusts and the like, saying that it’s what Jessica Wild is all about.



Pandopher *looks* like a bit of a rocker in boy form, bless him, mostly due to his Converse sneakers I think. However his performance is a bit stiff, though like Raven he appears to have a good bit of choreography worked out already, and he gets noticeably off-key several times. He interviews that he knows he has to make up for having a weak voice with “rock star attitude”, and Terri Nunn interviews that she knows it, but thinks that his confident stage presence will successfully overshadow his singing. She then w00ts as he caps off his rehearsal performance by kicking over the mike stand. Pandopher is already on my list of queens to root for, but I will love him forever if he just went and broke a guitar over Tyra’s head and/or threw Raven offstage as a forced stage-dive.



Sahara can’t even seem to get started in rehearsal, and interviews that he’s incredibly nervous because rock and black people generally don’t mix. He says the closest reference he has is some experience in musical theater. Unfortunately Sahara Davenport is no Adam Lambert, and when he tries for the rocker yell from the beginning of “Jump” or "Won't Get Fooled Again", he just winds up yowling like a horny alley cat. Terri Nunn is visibly disturbed watching him, and while she says that he has great “softness” and “vulnerability”, it’s pretty obvious that he doesn’t know the song completely and is just trying to get through it. She tells him to forget about how self-conscious he is and just go with what he’s feeling. Which would probably be good advice if what Sahara was feeling wasn’t overwhelming insecurity right now.



Tatianna wasn’t kidding when he said that he was someone who lip-synched in choir or sang inaudibly, as he performs “Ladyboy” in rehearsal as if he’s afraid being whipped if he sing-speaks above a whisper. After only a few bars he says that he can’t go on, and Terri Nunn cuts off the music and asks him what went wrong. Tatianna says that he’s just really uncomfortable, and Terri interviews that he was “really in his head” and couldn’t get out of it. In rehearsal, she trades places with him and gets up onstage to show him his own painfully shy poetry reading performance. She says that it’s like he’s up on the stage just hoping it will be over ASAP, and Tatianna confesses that that’s exactly how he feels. Terri talking heads that it seems like Tatianna has decided that he just can’t do it and has preemptively given up, and tells him out loud (perhaps on more than one level) that the vibe he’s giving off is that he really just doesn’t want to be here.



Back in the workroom, Tatianna tells the others that his session with Terri Nunn was awful and that he couldn’t even get through the song. Raven interviews that all they have to do is “two verses and three choruses” of one song – even though most songs tend to consist entirely of two verses and three choruses – and that Tatianna should just get over it. It really leaves a bad taste in my mouth to admit that Raven is right for once, although it’s a lot better than having to admit that Lazy Entitled Self-Deluded Good-For-Nothing Tyra is right about something. Tatianna hopes that he’ll be able to approach the challenge better tomorrow when he’s in drag, and Raven talking heads that Tati seems to be getting that he’s “the weakest one here” now. Don’t push it, you drag queen ostrich – you’re not *that* right.



Wigs And Makeup. The queens file into the workroom the following day armed with specialized rocker chick wigs for the challenge, and proceed to get into drag. Raven asks about everyone’s nerves, and Sahara says that he’s having a hard time following Terri Nunn’s advice to “just let go”. Jujubee says that it would have helped if they’d gone bungee jumping beforehand, and Raven agrees that it might be easier to go skydiving than sing live in front of people. Sahara adds that being judged on your singing doesn’t help either, at which point Jujubee jokingly imagines that they’d probably be judged on how well they skydive too.



Sahara then interviews that rock ‘n roll is about having a sense of “abandonment,” and it’s the opposite of him because he’s “afraid to be messy.” He reveals that there was a time when he was “messy”, and it was a dark time when he first came out and dealt with his problems through ketamine. His drag mother and his friends eventually pulled him back from the proverbial edge, but he’s clearly wary of approaching that side of himself again. Yeah, while I sympathize, there’s a big-ass gap between rocking out for a reality TV competition challenge and acting out Party Monster. That’s like Mystique thinking that dressing like a country cliché would offend people in Texas. Bitch, you’re on RuPaul’s fucking Drag Race – ain’t nothing that serious. Unclench!



So the queens continue to corset themselves up, and Raven contemplates using the fan that Morgan used to air out her mussy. Jessica then breaks the zipper on her costume, and interviews that she’s prone to 11th hour accidents like this and nothing ever comes easy for her as a result. Tyra helps her keep her corset together with duct tape, though Jessica is seen walking away with the roll of tape still hanging from the back of her dress. I’m actually starting to wonder if she couldn’t get away with claiming that the tape roll is an intentional accessory. It’s rock ‘n roll – fuck it!



Tatianna has elected to pack herself into a pair of black leather stretch pants with an external rhinestone-studded bikini, and it is not at all flattering. Her normally svelte figure is totally muffin-topping over the waistband of the pants, making it almost look like Tatianna is once again referencing Britney Spears the way that Tyra keeps doing Beyoncé, except that Beyoncé never really had a fat phase. Meanwhile, Jujubee runs through her scales and reiterates that everyone thinks she’s the one to beat today, saying that she might run into problems if she doesn’t perform up to the judges’ expectations of her.



Runway. RuKlum-Seal makes her grand entrance in a black gown that is all ruffles from the waist down and all feathers from the waist up, complete with black opera gloves and a giant blonde quasi-mohawk. She points out that even Santino and Merle have worn their best rocker clothes (or at least, biker bitch clothes, as they seem to have the same sense of rocker style as RuGunn earlier) for this challenge, and flirts with Henry Rollins (who is surprisingly giddy) and trades compliments with Terri Nunn. RuKlum-Seal reminds the panel of the queens’ challenge to become rocker chicks and sing live. Engines. Winning.



A band is then packed onto the crossbar section of the catwalk, with either side of the runway packed with audience members for the performances. Jessica is up first, with her chained bustier and a seriously teased platinum blonde wig. Once again she appears to be very angry with the crowd, but lightens the mood when she starts riding the mike stand like a stick horse. She interviews that she really does love to perform in front of people, and graces everyone onstage with her windmilling hair flip move. RuKlum-Seal says that it’s turned into “the Headbangers’ Ball,” and Terri Nunn is loving it.



Pandora does a total diva entrance, gesturing for the audience to give it up, whipping off a black sequined poncho-cape into the crowd, and basically making everyone wait 5 minutes before she actually starts her performance. The panel loves her attitude, and she interviews that she’s totally putting it out there to make up for her voice. In practice, Pandora does a lot of talking to the crowd (“put your hands together,” telling everyone to scream, etc.) and does her fair share of prancing across the stage, which appears to turn into the Running Man by accident at one point.



Sahara tries her rocker yell again and once again winds up caterwauling, terrifying Henry Rollins in the process. She appears to have taken a cue from Tyra’s last win and has put together an outfit that is very ‘80s Madonna, sans wedding dress. In her interview, she says that she tried to “channel [her] inner rock goddess,” but comes off as more of a country line dancer in practice, and also admits that she flubbed part of a verse, which does not go unnoticed by Terri Nunn.



Skinnyfat Tatianna appears to have overcome whatever blocks she had the day before, and is totally shaking it and doing a fair job vocally as well. She interviews that she even surprised herself, considering how off her game she was in rehearsal, and manages to get the crowd to spell out her name in a little call-and-response jag.



Raven then struts out in a wig that has been colored to look like Terri Nunn’s own two-tone hair, with a skirt that is approximately three inches long in front and nonexistent in the back. Oh, Terri – you only thought she was joking about letting her ass hang out. Nevertheless, Terri Nunn still loves her, even when she flashes her man-cooch, and Raven interviews that he totally embraced the “fun, carefree, `fuck you’ energy” of being a rock star, which is unsurprising because Raven is the Fuck You Queen. Onstage, he tells Danny Bonaduce and Eddie Murphy that they could not afford his “ladygirl [sic]” ass even if he actually was a tranny hooker. Merle, RuKlum-Seal, and Terri Nunn go absolutely nuts over it.



Lazy Entitled Self-Deluded Good-For-Nothing Beyoncé-Wannabe Tyra spends most of her performance twirling around in her elementary school gym parachute skirt and rapping the lyrics, noticeably out of breath. She even flat-out copies some contortionist microphone poses that Beyoncé has done and does part of the “Single Ladies” dance and alleges that it is “[her, meaning Beyoncé’s] version of rock.” RuKlum-Seal is entertained, but Henry Rollins and Terri Nunn are much less impressed. And at the end Tyra throws in a split-jump, presumably because even though she has immunity, she fucked up.



Jujubee then vamps onto the stage, but her dynamics are inconsistent and her tempo is off, so much so that you can’t even hear her singing the first few bars of the song. She interviews that she totally froze on the stage, and winds up flubbing pretty much every other word of the song. Santino, Merle, and Terri Nunn are just staring at her curiously, and even RuKlum-Seal’s normally high enthusiasm visibly wanes throughout Jujubee’s performance. She laments that she fucked up Ru’s own song in front of her, and ends her performance as if she is Paula Abdul levels of drunk off her ass. It’s an absolute train wreck.



Afterwards, all the queens are lined up onstage and RuKlum-Seal says it was the best concert she’s been to in forever. Jessica is up for critiques first, and all the judges love her, although Santino and Henry Rollins are divided on her hair (against and for, respectively). But Henry Rollins can clearly kick Santino’s ass, so the pro-hair stance wins that battle I suppose.



Jujubee is next, and RuKlum-Seal expresses dismay that she forgot her words, and Santino notes that she wasn’t even audible when she first came onstage. Henry Rollins says that her connection to the music was inconsistent, and RuKlum-Seal concludes that the judges are rather disappointed with her. Jujubee just takes all the criticism in a daze, and interviews that she feels like she even let her father’s spirit down.



Terri Nunn has become a big fan of Pandora, as has Henry Rollins, though he didn’t much care for the moments during Pandora’s performance when she was practically skipping. He says that it detracted from the great rocker attitude she projected in the beginning, but he’s not aware that Pandora is The Funny One so that’s not his fault.



RuKlum-Seal asks Sahara if she had a problem with the lyrics, and Sahara says that her issues were with breath control and trying to focus and not focus at the same time. Terri Nunn says that her nervousness from rehearsal still came across, and Merle posits that she has trouble “letting go” because of her dance training and general refined, elegant bearing, which RuKlum-Seal points out is kind of the antithesis of what they were asking for in this challenge. However, Sahara insists that she did indeed let it all out onstage in her performance, and says that she’s “a girly girl” and that she doesn’t know what else Merle wants from her. Ouch; resistance to the challenge and hyperdefensiveness of your default image are key qualities of eliminated Racers, Sahara. To whit, Merle clarifies that what she was looking for was for Sahara to go further outside of her proverbial box than she did.



Tatianna is complimented for her vast improvement from rehearsal by Terri Nunn, and Santino gives her rather backhanded feedback about continuing to ride on her looks. He says that he would like her to bring something more to the competition than her prettiness, and notably does not point out her skinnyfat muffin-top.



Raven looks like a Halloween witch dressed as a rock-themed hooker, as she’s currently being filmed in profile, but RuKlum-Seal and Terri Nunn still praise her on letting her ass hang out. Terri also adds that she’s still attracted to Raven which may make her a lesbian now. Oh honey, if you were a lesbian you could do so much better than that brokedown dodo bird-looking thing. Merle reminds Raven that the judges gave her a hard time at the beginning because they thought she was too cold and had too much attitude, but says that her snotty superiority complex and abrasive demeanor worked for her tonight. Henry Rollins agrees, saying that Raven sold him completely on being an actual rock star.



Merle diplomatically says that Lazy Entitled Self-Deluded Good-For-Nothing Beyoncé-Wannabe Tyra went for “glamour” rather than hardcore rock, but adds that it backfired on her a little. She says that Tyra seemed more concerned with her look rather than her performance, which is pretty much the unedited story of Tyra’s entire drag life. The Tytrannysaurus is visibly displeased as Henry Rollins tells her that her outfit “dominated her performance” and got in the way of any attempt to connect with the music. Tyra then smiles and tells the panel “Thank you, everyone, for your critiques [but I’m going to pretend you don’t exist in my world anymore because you didn’t praise me for being Beyoncé],” and it seems that her false civility does not go unnoticed by RuKlum-Seal, though that might simply be wishful thinking on my part.



The queens are then dismissed so that the panel can deliberate. They loved Jessica, and Merle says that she saw today why she’s made it this far in the competition. RuKlum-Seal also says that Pandora did well, and Terri Nunn says she appreciated that she “had a different attitude” than the other queens. Henry Rollins says that Pandora flipping him off at the start of her performance (which we notably did not see) was “a complete turn-on,” and even Santino has to give her props for performing in a way he didn’t think she could. Sahara did not impress RuKlum-Seal, and Terri Nunn agrees that it felt like she was “playing at being a rock star” and like Sahara was acting out the role after reading about it in a book. Henry Rollins points out that she did have moments “when she lost her considerable restraint,” but adds that she wasn’t consistent about it.



Terri enjoyed Tatianna’s look and thought she was a more original breed of rocker, but Santino thinks that she needs to step it up more. RuKlum-Seal also praises Raven, and Henry Rollins says that he thought her “nonviolent confrontation” – read, “assholeitis” – was a real plus. Merle says that her guts “always win the day” and says that it took balls to wear Terri Nunn hair in front of Terri Nunn. Terri is ready to call it right now and says that the two real rock stars tonight were Jessica and Raven. However, RuKlum-Seal reminds everyone that they still need to judge Tyra, and Santino says that she should be damn grateful that she has immunity this week. Merle flat-out says that she did “a weak Beyoncé imitation,” (Yes!!!) and Henry Rollins adds that her parachute-skirt twirling was ridiculous and that even if she doesn’t actually like rock music, she was supposed to convince the judges otherwise and failed. Finally, RuKlum-Seal says that Jujubee “shocked [them] all,” and Merle and Santino agree that they expected her to win this challenge, or at least do really well. In reality, Santino calls her performance “watching someone do karaoke really badly,” and Terri Nunn says that not knowing the words made it look like she just didn’t care.



RuKlum-Seal then summons the queens back for judgment, and tells Tyra that she is safe because of her thrice-damned immunity, and that stroppy cow knows it but still has the gall to be offended. Jessica, Pandora, and Raven are the top three, and Jessica is declared the winner. Pandora interviews that she’s upset because once again she’s come close to winning a challenge but lost out to someone else. Jessica’s prize is a $1000 shopping spree (though we are not told where), but RuKlum-Seal declares that she will not receive immunity next week, as immunity has been removed from the competition from here on out. Jessica interviews that it figures she would finally win a main challenge and not get immunity, while Raven talking heads that no more immunity sucks but will also make the competition fiercer.



Pandora is dubbed “the Susan Lucci of this competition” and declared safe, along with Raven. RuKlum-Seal says that Jujubee turned out to be “[her] own worst enemy” and is in the bottom two. Jujubee interviews that she can tell that Ru is disappointed with her, and that she let both her and herself down. Tatianna, whom RuKlum-Seal says “channeled her inner Britney” to bounce back from last week, is safe. Therefore Sahara is also in the bottom two, and interviews that she’s going to ignore her panic about being in the bottom and fight for her spot.



Jujubee and Sahara must now Lip Synch For Their Lives, to the tune of Alannah Myles’ “Black Velvet”. Jujubee chooses to run with the drunken whore affectation she used for her runway presentation, lolling her head around and flopping on the floor with her legs spread, and voiceovers that she really is trying to impress RuKlum-Seal. Meanwhile Sahara goes into high kicks, pirouettes, and country line dancing, and voiceovers that she adores Jujubee but isn’t about to give up without a fight. Raven interviews that Sahara’s ballerina style has jack shit to do with the song and is a patently awful strategy tonight. In the same vein, Pandora interviews that Sahara is clinging to the dancer chops that have kept her in the competition before, but Jujubee’s impression of an inebriated hooker crawling on the floor does more to “[capture] the essence of the song.” Sahara then finishes with a split (though not a split-jump), which sort of signals that she knows she’s in trouble and is desperate.



In the end, Jujubee is told to Shanté, while Sahara must Jeté Away. I mean, “Sashay Away.” Silly me. Jujubee immediately bursts into tears, voiceovering that she’s shocked and overwhelmed by the verdict. RuKlum-Seal notes that the competition is such now that she must say goodbye “to [her] best girls,” which I dearly hope is a jab at bloody Tyra and her stinking final immunity. I know RuPaul is probably one of the most diplomatic people in the world, but even she has to be tired of that bidouche by now. As she exits, Sahara says that she’s “heartbroken” because she didn’t win and admits that she may have gotten in her own way at times, but is confident that she still has big things ahead of her. We are then left with footage of the remaining queens playing with the Beyoncé wannabe’s parachute-skirt, because as I said, it’s pure elementary school gym class fun. In fact, this may be the silver lining in keeping Tyra around for another week: in the hopes that her next outfit might be made of dodgeballs, which the others can then lob at her fool head. Fingers crossed, yo.