In which the queens are forced to be hustlers rather than divas, but not hustlers. Because a diva is the female version of a hustler, except when a ho is the female version of a hustler. It's RuPaul's fault for mixing her gay slang with her hip-hop slang at an inopportune time, okay?
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Why Do I Watch This? Recap – RuPaul’s Drag Race 2-2 “Starrbootylicious” or “Does Anyone Really Enjoy Being Called A Tranny Chaser?”
We begin with all the queens getting up, grooming themselves, and slipping on their various fashion color and print briefs. Yeah, that would probably be a lot sexier if we didn’t know that these guys were a bunch of girly raging bitches. It rather defeats the purpose of admiring one’s drag look when the camera focuses on what a huge package they have.
Everyone then heads into the workroom for the second day of competition. Tatianna interviews that walking back into the workroom is “a little weird” now with Shangela gone. As much as that squealing little hoochie got on my last nerve, she did leave a lovely “Love you all! Turn it out…” message in lipstick on the mirror at her vanity station. Raven hands Sahara a lace handkerchief, calling it “Shangela’s face”, which I’m guessing is a very roundabout and slightly haggish way of complimenting Sahara on wiping the proverbial floor with Shangela’s face during that epic LSFYL. Sahara interviews that he wants to start the next round “with a clean slate” and try to forget about sending her shrieky bourghetto soul sister home. Tyra, however, makes it a point to wipe off Shangela’s lipstick epitaph and take the station for himself, saying that they “don’t need this anymore.” Sahara gives her this total “You assy bitch” look, but remains otherwise silent. And by the way, get used to this kind of crap coming up with Tyra – it’s going to be kind of a theme today.
The She Mail siren goes off as RuPaul appears on the plasma screen to check in and deliver clues about the next challenge. Said alert comes with several weather-related quips, and the Supermodel Of The World finishes by saying that “somebody in here is gon’ make it rain.” The queens are left unanimously still clueless.
RuGunn then enters the workroom and announces that this week, the Racers are going to “streetwalk a mile in [his/er] shoes.” The Naked Minions then roll in a cart covered with a dark purple cloth, and RuGunn says that this week’s mini-challenge involves a makeover that will “turn a lady into a tramp.” Said lady turns out to be RuPaul herself, by way of the fabulous surprise that is RuPaul's own doll, otherwise known as “Mini-Ru”, complete with predictable Dr. Evil pinky pose on the life-size Ru’s part. There are, however, only six RuPaul dolls available for the queens to work with, meaning that they will have to pair up with one queen doing the mini-challenge alone due to their uneven numbers.
Most of the Racers end up pairing up according to geography and/or established relationships; as a result the teams consist of Sonique and Nicole. Paige. Brooks. (both) From. Atlanta. Georgia., Raven and Morgan (both uppity fugly wrecks), Sahara and Pandopher (both from NY), Tyra and Jujubee, Jessica and Tatianna, and Mystique by himself because of her shiny new reputation as a self-righteous mess. Mystique isn’t really bothered anyway, and RuGunn says that they have 30 minutes to make over their RuPaul dolls with the assistance of a small pile of fabric and doll accessories. He leaves the Racers to turn their dolls into “six bad girls that work hard for the money”.
Several of the pairs of queens make a dash for the dolls, while several of the smarter ones dive for the materials and doll accessories pile. Wisely (and perhaps a bit evilly) Tyra snatches up the lion’s share of the extra materials on purpose for himself and Jujubee, leaving everyone else with “a handful of scraps”, as Tatianna interviews. I have to admit, like many gays I did my share of playing with dolls when I probably shouldn’t have during my childhood, so this looks like it would be loads of fun. Sahara and Pandopher seem to share that view, as they quickly start giggling about giving their RuDoll hooker broken heels. Tyra’s style sensibilities appear to be a little too tame as she vetoes hooker heels in favor of fierce boots and purses matching shoes, and Jujubee interviews that his insistence on using mostly his ideas didn’t help their efforts any.
Nicole. Paige. Brooks. From. Atlanta. Georgia. takes the opportunity to have a more non sequitur interview about how, like Tyra, he has a son and is taking a first-time sabbatical away from him to be in the Race. NPBFAG’s son is named “Lucas” and is currently 3 ½ years old and appears to be at least half black. Perhaps he adopted, which is considerably less disturbing than Tyra having been with a woman and possibly even being straight.
When the 30 minutes (and most of Jujubee’s supply of glitter) have been used up, RuGunn returns for the Ru-hooker-Doll presentations. First up is Mystique’s doll “Shaquanda (the brokedown stripper)”. She has a black leather jacket, a shredded black leotard that only barely covers one leg, and a tribal tattoo encircling her naked thigh. Mystique also demonstrates that Shaquanda’s ass is hanging out (much like Shannel from last year) and her leotard is only a thong strap in the back, to provide easy access and show off her rose anal tattoo.
Tatianna and Jessica have come up with “Wild Whore” (undoubtedly ESL Jessica came up with that name), whose costume comes straight out of the 80s with a denim skirt and legwarmers. About the only concession they seem to have made to the hooker theme is to have one of her boobs hanging out.
Pandopher and Sahara’s creation is “Shafreefra Awl” (misspelled as “Shafreeforal” in the actual show) and is wearing a white tube top and booty shorts with ripped pink tights. Her shoes don’t match (her purse, nor each other), she’s missing several teeth, and sports a nasty black eye. That’s a fucking riot; these bitches killed this challenge. Upon closer inspection, the team shows RuGunn that Shafreefra has “had a bit of a rough night,” as evidenced by her bandaged hand and missing shoe, with one broken-off heel still clutched in her good hand.
Sonique and NPBFAG present the thoroughly uninspired “Cynthia” for RuGunn’s approval. She looks much like Lil’ Kim as a Jem doll, with boots and a skanky dress in a combination of zebra and lion print, with one boob hanging out. NPBFAG explains that she’s modeled after “the baddest bitch [they] know” – NPBFAG’s drag mother, one “Shawna Brooks”. With such a dull name and a middling style that is currently battling Wild Whore’s for most boring, I’m almost as underwhelmed by Shawna Brooks as I am by her witchy-looking drag daughter.
Tyra and Jujubee have created “Cherry”, a country and western type hooker (which is odd, given that the RuDoll is black). She’s wearing denim Daisy Duks ripped up nearly to the crotch, glittering pink cowboy boots, a belly-tied white T-shirt, and a white midriff jacket trimmed with pink fur. To their credit, they did think enough to black out one of Cherry’s teeth and give her an exposed thong in the back like Shaquanda.
Lastly, Morgan and Raven bring out “Lady Mayhem”, a dominatrix-inspired hooker doll that looks like nothing less than an updated version of Tina Turner in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. Their doll is visibly minimalist, clearly showing that they were deprived of materials by Tyra, Nevertheless, the pair has done awesome work in creating mesh garter belts and a bustier from what was probably a 3 X 5 piece of black tulle. RuGunn also marvels at the tiny thong they created for Lady Mayhem out of part of a sequin string.
In the end, RuGunn gives the mini-challenge win to Shafreefra Awl, and thus to Sahara and Pandopher. It was an awesome hooker doll, but part of me seriously wanted to give it to Morgan/Raven’s Lady Mayhem for sheer ingenuity and craft with next to no materials.
RuGunn then outlines that the main challenge is inspired by his/er movie Starrbooty, in which RuPaul plays a secret agent/supermodel who goes undercover as a prostitute, hence all the emphasis this week on being a ho. According to RuGunn, however, s/he plays an undercover “hustler”, and “a diva is a female version of a hustler.” This is honestly confusing and sends out severe mixed signals, since RuGunn is obviously using the hip-hop subculture definition of “hustler”, and the gay subculture uses the same word to describe something completely different. Regardless, while RuPaul’s movie character does play the female version of a (gay culture) hustler and more than likely self-identifies as a diva, neither the movie nor her role in it have anything to do with the hip-hop culture definition of the word. In any case, the queens must use both brains and beauty to “make it rain” by competing as two rival teams of burlesque dancers, with judgment based on both their individual merits and effective teamwork.
As winners of the mini-challenge, Sahara and Pandopher are named team captains and must choose which of the queens they want to work with. Pandopher selects Morgan, Sonique, Raven, and Tatianna for his team, while Sahara chooses Jessica, Jujubee, Tyra, and Mystique. Nicole. Paige. Brooks. From. Atlanta. Georgia. Is. The last. One. Standing. and Pandopher is stuck with him. NPBFAG interviews that he was surprised to be picked last (over even Mystique, who gave his own passive-aggressive interview about being one of the last two queens recruited), but Raven explains in his own talking head that no one really wanted NPBFAG because he’s awkward and fugly – severe detriments when the challenge is supposed to be “a sexy contest.” Much as I dislike agreeing with Raven, NPBFAG really does look like a queen who would be known more for being funny than being glamorous and/or sexy. Tyra, for his part, interviews that he really wanted to be on Pandopher’s team with “all the tall, skinny pretty bitches.” And NPBFAG, of course.
With the teams set, RuGunn says that they are responsible for creating their burlesque looks as a team, and then sends them off one team at a time to get poledancing lessons from a couple of hos who are actually women. After going at the cart of provided fabrics like hungry wolves, both teams start planning out their costumes. Tyra immediately gets bossy and insists on having each queen in a different look, while Sahara prefers that they go for a team look using only one print. Sahara interviews that Tyra was “being difficult”, and Tyra’s visibly passive-aggressive attitude towards him and belittling of his decisions certainly isn’t painting the picture any differently. Even Mystique tells Tyra to shut the fuck up, and Tyra loudly asks Pandopher if he doesn’t like him and says how much he really wanted to be on his team. Wow, Tyra’s a complete cunt. To his credit, Pandopher remains eternally disarming even though he probably had the calculated good sense not to let Tyra’s stank attitude anywhere near his team. Sahara also interviews about how much he regrets picking “Satan’s baby” to be on his team.
Later, both teams head to the main stage where two stripper poles have been set up. “Anne Marie” and “Blue”, two skanks who are reportedly from “United Pole Artists” then instruct the queens on some basic moves using the pole, including swinging around on it and sliding down it with your ankles pointed at Jesus and your vage (or in the queens’ case, their mussies) aired out for everyone to stare at in slow-motion. Tatianna interviews that he did not care for having that much “vagina in [his] face”, and several of the queens pull faces, as they normally do not prefer to be this whorish. Jujubee expresses apprehension at having to squat and shake his ass, as his waggle reportedly does not wiggle.
Mystique, however, appears to be an old pro at moves like “the upside-down butterfly” and crows about being “a flexible bitch” – just moments after he pissed and moaned about not being picked before “the girls who were skinny and go out there nekkid [sic].” Hypocrite much, Mystique? Sonique also shows that he can swing around a pole with the best of them, while Raven and Morgan are both masters of the spread-cooch move. Quelle surprise. Equally predictably, Nicole. Paige. Brooks. From. Atlanta. Georgia. sucks ass when his turn on the pole comes, being very gangly and awkward. In spite of this, he interviews that he is “really sexy and really sexual” as NPBFAG, and is therefore not at all worried about failing at this week’s challenge and being sent home. Famous last words.
Tyra, for his part, cannot even be bothered to try out the pole, despite the two hoochie teachers reminding him that he *must* poledance as part of the challenge. His excuse in the interviews is that he simply learns “by watching others do it,” and that he didn’t want to practice in front of the others because it would look like he was just “using someone else’s idea.” Sahara interviews that he’s seen enough reality TV competitions to know that the group leader is always the first on the chopping block if his team fails a challenge, and prays that he doesn’t get sent home just because Tyra’s a douche.
Later in the workroom, Sahara tries to gauge his team’s comfort level with their dancing, and Tyra bitches about feeling “like a whoreslut,” because he thinks he’s too good for that even if it is the week’s challenge. He interviews that poledancing is “hoish” and beneath him, and Jujubee attempts to defuse his bad attitude by saying that they should all try to remain positive. Sahara, however, makes it very clear that he needs everyone to pull together on this one.
Stage. Team Pandopher is rehearsing their choreography in their heels and guy clothes, which is just as strange a visual as it sounds. Raven criticizes Pandopher’s leadership skills in his talking head and urged Morgan to take charge of things during the rehearsal. Morgan similarly interviews that he just wanted to get things done and be mindful of the time crunch. Pandopher, for his part, admits that he “went into shutdown mode” for a while because of all the conflicting strong egos and opinions flying around, which truthfully doesn’t really bode well for his chances this week. On the stage, Morgan says that the two weakest dancers should stay in the back, and NPBFAG weakly counters that it remains to be seen who the weakest dancers are. You know. Even though one of them is clearly him. Maybe the extra weight of constantly throwing around his full drag title is what’s slowing him down.
Later Team Sahara gets in some stage time of their own, and once again Tyra doesn’t want to play with everyone else. Jujubee interviews that Tyra decided that he couldn’t be bothered to rehearse in heels, allegedly because his feet would be hurting and therefore would cause him to be an even whinier bitch than he is now. Tyra continues to whine in his interviews that he knows what’s best for him and how he learns best, which is to sulk and “put everything together in [his] head” while the rest of the team actually participates and works. “If they asked me now, `Hey girl, do the routine,’ I would do it and I would do it better than what they did in there,” he declares. Yeah, talk is cheap, Miss Lazy.
Workroom. Team Pandopher is working on their team burlesque look, and Morgan takes a bolt of day-glo zebra print fabric seemingly from Team Sahara’s side, alleging that they don’t seem to be using it. NP Motherfucking BFAG double checks to see if Team Sahara is actually not using the fabric, but Sonique and Morgan assure everyone that it’s up for grabs, pointing out the blue leopard print that’s already being cut in Team Sahara’s area. However, Team Sahara then returns from the stage and takes the day-glo zebra back. Tatianna asks if they weren’t done picking out fabrics, but Mystique replies in the negative, with goodly amounts of backtalk exchanged by both sides.
At length, though, Sahara asks whether or not the other team “needs” the day-glo zebra, and grudgingly parts with it when NP Motherfucking Snakes On This Motherfucking BFAG asserts that they do in fact need it. In the process, tension is exchanged (though quickly defused) by Jujubee and Tatianna, with the latter remarking “You think a lot, don’t you? But you think wrong all the time. You should think harder.” Wow, when did Tatianna turn into my malicious and abusive mother? Because that bullshit was straight out of Dearest Mommy Satan’s mouth, let me tell you.
Eventually RuGunn returns to appraise everyone’s work thus far, and quizzes Pandopher on how his role as team leader is coming along. Pandopher admits that it’s tough trying to wrangle “a lot of strong personalities,” and Ru titters that it’s pretty much par for the course when you’re dealing with 11 uppity bitch drag queens. Hilariously, Raven is then caught shooting this complete bitchface, as if to say “How DARE she imply that I’m a narcissistic asshat! As a narcissistic asshat, I am grossly offended!”
RuGunn then moves on to Sahara and his view as to whether or not he’s been an effective team leader. Sahara replies that he’s confident in his leadership and that his team’s end result will exemplify that. RuGunn then asks if he’s seriously okay with the fact that Tyra is currently asleep on a couch while everyone else is working. DUN! Sure enough, that indolent, off-putting rag of a hag is curled up with a blanket draped over him, and Sahara admits that Tyra is a big danger to the team’s success. He confesses, though, that he is at a loss on how to effectively deal with Tyra.
RuGunn then starts to creep over to Tyra, and Jujubee warns that he will pitch a fit if Ru wakes him up. Fair warning, but I’m confident that RuPaul of all people is more than capable of bitch-slapping Tyra into quiescence. Thus, he gently whispers Tyra awake and asks him if he’s tired and why. Tyra interviews that he was definitely embarrassed when RuGunn woke him up, which proves that he has at least some common sense. The Supermodel Of The World asks how Tyra has time to nap while everyone else appears to be hard at work, and Tyra says that his superior sewing skills allowed him to finish his costume quickly and leave his teammates to hot-glue their outfits together. RuGunn reminds him that he will be judged on how well he works with his team and not just his individual achievements, but Tyra insists that he’s fine with everything. Twat. Left in a similar position to Sahara, Ru can only leave Tyra to go back to sleep.
As for the waking queens, RuGunn informs them that their main challenge will be performed tomorrow at the Dragonfly club, in front of an actual audience comprised only of men. I hope it’s gay men, otherwise this could get seriously questionable even for this show. The Racers seem to be universally excited, though, and Ru leaves them with the advice to get their CUNT in order. Raven interviews that he’s psyched to perform in front of a room full of men. I’m guessing that he would be less jazzed if said room full of men broke out the chains and the baseball bats upon finding out that he has a dick under his hooker dress. Seriously, I would hope it’s gay men tomorrow.
Dragonfly. The next day, the queens show up completely ho’ed out (some even more so than usual), and RuGunn (in a red short-sleeved button-down with a striped yellow tie) introduces this week’s judging panel. In addition to Santino, Merle, and himself, they are joined by Kim Coles (of Living Single fame) and “queen of burlesque” Dita Von Teese, who is very ivory and totally dressed like 1940s Lois Lane, thereby surprising me with how stunning she is here. Of course, a lot of my surprise was due to confusing her with Kat Von D and thus expecting a tattooed skank to show up instead, so my bad; I blame DVT’s prior association with Marilyn Manson for the mix-up. RuGunn tells the queens that whichever team makes the most money will be safe from elimination, with the top moneymaker from that team being the overall challenge winner.
La Supermodel then brings in “a little twist,” and explains that the teams will actually have two ways to earn money. Since only one team can be onstage at a time, the non-performing queens will be selling it on the corner. Tyra interviews that she actually hates going out in drag during the daytime, which furthers my suspicion that she isn’t gay – or at least, that she seriously ain’t right upstairs. I mean, guys don’t exactly become drag queens in order to blend in. Of course, perhaps the entire reason for the stank attitude and the laziness is that Tyra Sanchez actually fights crime at night in drag, and doesn’t want her secret identity revealed. Of course if that were true, going on national TV and entering a drag competition kind of throws a big-ass wrench into that plan. In any case, RuGunn elaborates that the street team of queens will be selling “cherry pie gift certificates” (which incidentally could also easily be a euphemism for the usual “it” that hookers offer) furnished by Cafe Audrey.
Hollywood Boulevard, presumably near Café Audrey. Team Sahara is on the street first, trying to hawk yellow gift certificates for actual cherry pie to the passersby. Although since people have to buy the coupons for $5 each, I’m not sure how they can still be called “gift certificates”. While Tyra attempts to attract business with her natural (or knowing what Tyra is really like from the prior segments of this episode, fake-ass) charm – although coyly asking people if they want to buy cherry pie is really bordering on that whole “could-easily-be-a-euphemism-for-ordinary-hoing” jag I was talking about earlier. Others like Jessica resort to more street performer-y methods like selling from on the ground in a split. Still others just resort to outright whiny begging – like Jessica once again, who moans that “[she needs] money” as if she were some starving homeless person or something. Actually strike that, I’ve never even heard an actual homeless person sound that desperate or pathetic. Jujubee interviews that sales and the accompanying mindset/behaviors are not her thing at all, and “Bueller?”s at least once during a period of no customers. Snerk.
Back at Dragonfly, the judging panel hangs out in the rear of the aforementioned audience of men, whom we still do not know if they’re GBT men who are aware that they’re at a drag burlesque show or straight men who are being punked. Team Pandora takes the stage in their black and day-glo zebra print costumes and begin shaking it to this really questionable rap song (apparently also one of RuPaul’s tunes) that starts off by asking “Is some tranny chasers up in here?” Okay, I don’t care if the audience is straight or GBT men – I don’t know anyone who takes any sort of pride in being called a “tranny chaser”. Especially not actual tranny chasers. So however indirectly and no matter what the orientation of the audience, RuPaul has kind of managed to insult each and every man there from the get-go.
Anyway, Tatianna interviews that Nicole. Page. Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena. Que tu cuerpo es pa’ darle alegria y cosa buena. Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena. Hey Macarena. AY! Brooks. From. Atlanta. Georgia. consistently screwed up the choreography, although several of the girls (particularly Pandora, I’m sorry to say) also miss their cues a few times. Additionally, for all their self-hype, Morgan and Raven’s choreography is nothing to write home about and looks like old people exercises from Sit & Be Fit, only with a lot more leg-spreading. Sahara Davenport could probably kick both their asses at once. Sonique, on the other hand, impresses by throwing a couple of backflips into the mix.
Each team member then gets the opportunity to do a solo routine using the stripper pole so that the guys in the audience can toss bills at them; presumably this is how they will actually make money during the challenge. Sonique is up first and once again works it. She interviews that “it rained on [her] a few times,” and that she likes to be wet. Ew.
Pandora may not be very good with group numbers, but solo she definitely knows how to shake and gyrate to her advantage. She interviews, however, that she is deathly nervous onstage and that her heart felt like it was going to bust out of her boobs, which were going to bust out of her top.
Raven’s solo basically consists of her just laying and lolling about the stage like she has the flu or something. She interviews that she thought she had crawled around for a lot of money, but after realized after actually counting it that it was only enough “to buy a nice dinner at the Sizzler.” I confess – that tickled me.
Streetwalkers. Team Sahara has taken to chanting “cherry pie” while holding up a posterboard sign like they were holding a fundraising carwash or something. Tatianna throws a few high kicks in with her charms to sell coupons. Jujubee squees with delight when two ladies buy $20 worth of coupons from her. Then she helps Tyra wrap herself around a traffic light to get attention and advises her to “think soprano when [she talks],” because her usual monotone retarded-sounding drone is a real disadvantage to her drag beauty. The young George Takei queen admits in her interview, though, that for a fussy entitled bitch Tyra sure puts on one hell of a nice girl show, as is evidenced by her drawing a chorus of whistles from a passing liner bus.
Meanwhile, Mystique is quietly fuming about how she dislikes looking like “a $2 whore” and how her grandmother would not approve. You know. Even though she prides herself on being able to fellate a stripper pole with her man-piche. Though I suppose it’s worth noting that even being of two minds about this challenge, Mystique is still less dysfunctional than Tyra.
Sometime later, a woman offers to give Jujubee, Mystique, and Tyra $20 if they dance for her, and they oblige. However, Sahara then jumps in and does a split and winds up taking the $20 bill herself. Jujubee interviews that she did not take kindly to Sahara “stealing a sale” from her.
Back onstage, Morgan uses a fan to spread the delicate fragrance of her mussy, because if anyone here excels at being a $2 whoreslut it’s fucking Morgan McMichaels. Tatianna isn’t even half as skanky, but manages to rake in the bills as well during her solo, though she interviews that she did feel like she threw herself in the gutter.
Last to perform is Nicole. Paige. This is the song that never ends. Yes it goes on and on my friends. Brooks. From. Atlanta. Georgia. who wags her ass in slow-motion and trots across the stage like a giant chicken. She interviews that she was nervous to perform in front of a burlesque icon like Dita Von Teese, who appears to at once be severely critical and bored with her solo. Ouch.
Afterwards, it’s Team Pandora’s turn to walk the streets selling their cherry pies, and if possible Morgan looks even more like a cheap hooker here than she did farting out of her boy-cooch on the stripper pole. Nicole. Paige. Oh. My. God. Becky. Look. At her. Butt. Paige. Brooks. From. Atlanta. Georgia. is seriously loud and showing off just how Halloween witchy she can look, with her teeth practically leaping out of her mouth to bite at people like a goblin shark on the Discovery Channel, though she does remind the people on the street that Audrey is just down there and so a piece of pie would be good right about now. Tatianna interviews that Raven was having a Tyra episode of being inactive and useless of her own, while Sonique was driving away customers with her bad attitude, alleging that one man is wasting her time. Morgan yet again tries to sell her cherry pie gift certificate a little too literally, and possibly with a side order of the black plague/syphilis combo that has transformed her into an emaciated corpse. She even goes so far as to hump Raven’s ass in order to try and attract customers.
Dragonfly. Team Sahara now takes the stage, and their choreography consists of a lot of fake cleavage shaking and running around in a circle like they have no fucking idea what’s going on, a move that I believe was stolen straight out of the “Halo/Walking On Sunshine” performance from Glee. Perhaps because Mystique is so front and center in their routine, Dita Von Teese and Santino are rolling in the aisles, and Jujubee notes how amazing it was that they were actually able to get a reaction out of the normally stoic DVT. Tyra interviews that all of “our [sic]” arguing and bitching finally paid off, although just to set the record straight Tyra is *not* visibly dancing any better than her teammates and is at one point facing the opposite direction from everyone else.
Then it’s time for solos, and Jessica dives into giving herself whiplash at the stripper pole. Unfortunately, however, she still totally looks like a boy in a wig and a dress. She also does a split, which I sense is rapidly becoming a theme this season.
Mystique naturally does more cleavage and booty-shaking, complete with yet another split jump that totally causes another minor Jurassic Park approaching T-rex earthquake. RuGunn appears amazed by this…even though everyone and their drag mother has been doing splits throughout the past two episodes.
Streetwalkers. Pandora, obviously feeling a bit awkward, has resorted to carnival barking, while Sonique jumps onto a traffic light and urges people to buy their coupons and “try something new”, which I cannot stress enough is probably seriously confusing people as to what the queens are actually trying to sell. Pandora interviews that most of the people were just running away from them, supposedly out of fear of the “t-girls”. Which, let’s face it – most of the drag queens you will ever meet are fugly and scary. But in this case, I blame Morgan and Raven. And, of course, Nicole. Paige. Brooks. From. Atlanta. Georgia., whom people probably think is the witch-queen from Snow White giving out poisoned apples.
Jujubee admits in her interview that she can’t dance, so her solo basically consisted of her shaking her boobs a little, miming vomiting, and…showing the audience how she applies makeup. O…kay.
For all her insistence on not using other people’s ideas, Tyra’s solo is just her swinging around on the stripper pole, flashing her cooch, and doing another goddamned split. Sahara, at least, throws some breakdancing rolls on the stage in between her mussy-flashing, and also puts some original spin on her split by doing it upside-down and as part of a headstand. She interviews that her strategy was to “demand money from the men,” and while she says that it worked, I’m fairly certain her killer dancing also had something to do with it.
Elimination Day. The queens walk into the workroom exhausted from their previous days’ efforts of selling various “it”s on the street and humping stripper poles and more motherfucking splits. Sahara interviews that neither of the teams knew how well or poorly the other one did, and that everyone is anxious to see who’s in the bottom. Some minor drama then occurs when Nicole. Etc. finds that her 8 x 10 photo of her drag mother, the probably equally un-fabulous Shawna Brooks, is missing from her station. We don’t hear anything more about this, but Mystique is wearing this total look of “Why the hell would anyone want a picture of your drag mother? We don’t want to catch whatever disease you got from her that makes you suck.”
Eventually NPBFAG chooses to focus on a little framed photo of his son instead. While getting into makeup Sonique asks if he intends to let his son watch this show, and NPBFAG thinks that he might allow it in another two or three years when Lucas is a little older. He adds that he just hopes there will be an episode that is appropriate enough to show the boy, and that he wants him to be proud of his father and that he will be able to brag about him being “a drag superstar.” I suppose that at its core, being a drag queen is a lot like being an ordinary actor in, say, a sci-fi production; you get heavily made up and you play a role – although several of these $2 t-bitch skankwhoresluts seem to be really method about it and don’t quite leave their roles behind at the end of the day. Nevertheless, I don’t see a lot of little boys shouting from the proverbial rooftops that their dad is a drag queen, let alone NPBFAG’s (since this challenge really showed off his weaknesses as an aspiring drag superstar) or Tyra’s (since daddy turned out to be such a lazy punkass passive-aggressive bitch).
Meanwhile at Pandora’s and Jujubee’s stations, Pandora reveals that his father is currently battling cancer, and Jujubee admits that his father passed away from cancer. Pandora interviews that his father was just diagnosed and is on chemo, but that his family doesn’t really know his definite prognosis, Jujubee tells him that when his father was dying, he was worried about how his family would take care of themselves after his passing. He says that it is definitely sad, but tells Pandora that he should take the opportunity to make sure his father knows how much he loves him while he still has time. Then they quickly change the subject to avoid making their makeup run.
Everyone finishes getting ready, putting on their fake eyelashes and (in Morgan’s case) trying on a Marilyn Monroe wig that really flatters her and detracts from her corpselike visage. Raven interviews that everyone is still nervous and anxious about the results of the challenge.
Cut To: the main stage, where RuKlum-Seal makes her grand entrance in a black and gold sequin gown and red wig, worn one challenge too late to fit in with Kathy Griffin et al. She greets the judging panel, once again including Kim Coles and Dita Von Teese (now dressed in a black flapper outfit), and reminds everyone of the burlesque challenge to dance for tips and “hustle” cherry pie. Gift certificates, that is. She also reveals that the Racers will be wearing their “high-class” drag looks for the runway presentation, and then calls for engines and women winning.
Sonique seems to have preempted Morgan in the attempt to channel Marilyn Monroe, in a translucent black spaghetti strap gown with a solid black bustier and matching black silk flower ornament in her blonde updo wig.
Jessica Wild emerges in a midnight blue sequined gown, opera gloves, and matching hat layered with a multitude of ruffled lace, which I’m told is actually extremely beloved and thought of as the epitome of high-class by Puerto Rican women. RuKlum-Seal thinks it looks like a costume out of Wicked or The Wizard Of Oz, and wonders if Jessica is a good witch or a bad witch. Kim Coles likens it to a “couture toilet paper cozy.” Heh.
Raven walks the runway in Cher hair and a black gown with a plunging neckline to the navel. RuKlum-Seal and Kim Coles agree that she looks like a man-stealing beeyotch, and Raven interviews that she knows she looked “fierce.” I wonder if she also knows how much she looked like Donatella Versace after a merciless beating. Kim Coles does dub her “Cher 2010” though.
Sahara Davenport comes out in a Diana Ross wig and a lovely blue one-shoulder gown studded with many little sparkly bits. The panel recognizes the allusion, and Sahara even treats them to a “Stop (In The Name Of Love)” pose at the end of the runway that makes everyone giggle. RuKlum-Seal says that Bob Mackie would be proud of her.
Pandora Boxx is wearing a yellow and black printed dress with high leg cuts and a blonde wig with black tips. She interviews that she likes her look because it is “different” than what the other queens went for, and Dita Von Teese says that she looks like a woman who came out Los Angeles to be an actress/model. If she meant that Pandora looks like a woman who came out to LA to be an actress/model in 1965, then I would agree. I’m rooting for Pandora, but her look tonight is hopelessly dated, and not in the charming period revival way that DVT is. It just looks like no one bothered to tell Pandora that 45 years have passed since Samantha Stevens’ fashion sense on Bewitched was in vogue.
Continuing with the dated theme, Jujubee appears in a long, straight black wig and an unflattering pink number that looks like it came straight out of Dynasty. She interviews, however, that her intent was to look like “Eartha Kitt.” You know. If Eartha Kitt ever slapped Linda Evans and tackled her into a water fountain.
NicolePaigePrincessAngelinaContessaLouisaFrancescaBananaFannaBoBescatheThirdBrooksFrom-AtlantaGeorgia is wearing a black gown with very ornate straps and tendrils of long black fringe hanging off of the waist, as well as a straight black wig. DVT says that she looks like “Courtney Cox,” which I immediately wanted to disagree with, but I suppose is valid if you squint a little. She interviews that she looked like “a real girl [and] a model on the runway,” and offers her services for anyone seeking actual fashion models.
RuKlum-Seal declares that Mystique’s “pussy is on fire” when she walks out dressed like Nell Carter going to the Tony Awards, God rest. She interviews that she’s “a gown bitch,” but really fucks up her presentation by lashing her tongue at the judging panel at one end of the runway. La Supermodel declares that she could “eat Beyonce in one swallow” and quotes Dreamgirls on Mystique’s way back up the catwalk. Once again, like the “tranny chaser” conversation from earlier, I’m not really sure how complimentary it is to tell someone that they could eat Beyonce in one swallow.
Morgan McMichaels has also chosen to deviate from the evening gown look, and walks out in a very business/day ensemble: black and white checked jacket and skirt ensemble with a simple black top and red lace stitching across the leg cut in her skirt. She compliments the look with a very Joan Collins-y brunette wig, and RuKlum-Seal says that she looks like she’s been summoned from the “secretarial pool.” Her walk has definitely improved from last episode, but it’s still much too fast.
The entire judging panel is in awe of Tyra Sanchez’ simple tight black evening gown adorned with an enormous crocheted rhinestone pectoral necklace and what Kim Coles refers to adoringly as a “nappy pompadour” wig. To her credit, she is every bit as beautiful outside as she is an assy cow turd inside.
Last but not least, Tatianna hits the runway in a violet gown and a dark wig sporting an elegant forelock, and RuKlum-Seal calls her “Tatianna Von Furstenberg Zeta-Jones”. Take note, Nicole Etc. and Morgan – THAT is a good drag name. She also adds that she looks like she belongs in a Galliano show, and Tatianna interviews that she was going for “Rihanna going to prom”, especially with her wig. Oh, to be a kid again and think that prom is the height of elegance.
Afterwards, RuKlum-Seal lines up all the queens on the runway to reveal the results of the main challenge. Team Sahara is the winning team, which sucks because now there’s no chance of sending Tyra’s bitch ass home today. Sahara herself is declared the overall winner, and Tyra is visibly unhappy with this verdict, so I suppose there is some justice after all. RuKlum-Seal adds that Sahara has won a $1500 gift certificate from sequinqueen.com (apparently the Internet’s prime source for anything gaudy as all get out, including organza ruffled coats) as well as immunity in next week’s challenge. Team Sahara is then dismissed so that Team Pandora can get ripped a new one.
Pandora is up first, and Santino says that her runway look is not as fabulous as he would have liked. Kim Coles agrees, and says the black bands at her waist and bust line looked like duct tape at first. Pandora is visibly uncomfortable, but does her best to smile through it.
RuKlum-Seal compliments Sonique in “making it rain” on the stage, but takes her to task for her attitude while selling the coupons on the street. Sonique at first seems shocked, but eventually owns up to being rude to “one or two people”. She blames it on the time pressures of the challenge and asserts that Ru herself would have done the same in her position. La Supermodel, however, replies that she does “sassy” but not “bitchy”.
NicolePaigeBrooksFromUnitedStatesCanadaMexicoPanamaHaitiJamaicaPeruRepublicDominican-CubaCarribeanGreenlandElSalvadortooAtlantaGeorgia is complimented for her realness by Dita Von Teese, though she advises her not to overuse her “Megan Fox tongue”-wagging move. Santino says that if she had been good she could have come off as “a young Janice Dickinson,” but her burlesque performance was more like “drunken Janice Dickinson.” Hee. RuKlum-Seal absolutely cracks up at this, as does Morgan (though I hate to see that dead bitch as anything resembling happy here). NPBFAG is terribly vexed by her results.
Moving on, RuKlum-Seal calls Tatianna “a vision in purple” and asks how she thought her “hustler game” turned out today. Tatianna says that it seemed like everything went well, and DVT reveals that one of the men in the audience asked for Tatianna’s name afterwards, which did not happen with any of the other queens. NPBFAG looks as though she’s been kicked in the nuts at this.
As for Raven, RuKlum-Seal notes that she didn’t exactly rake in the dough during her solo, and Raven admits that she performed below expectations. Ru asks what she would have done differently, and Raven says that she would have just laid out at the edge of the stage and allowed the men to throw money at her. So her alternative strategy would have been to do less? Yet again I am convinced that Raven is severely overrating herself. DVT says that she gives off a very femme fatale vibe and that she wouldn’t leave Raven in the same room with her own man, and Raven advises her not to, lest she “Work. It,” complete with an old school Z-snap.
RuKlum-Seal then turns to Morgan, who has immunity from winning last week’s challenge. She then asks her who she believes should be sent home this week and why, and Morgan picks Tatianna, who is allegedly “the weakest in the group”. When asked the same question, however, Tatianna singles out Morgan and accuses her of treading on her immunity. RuKlum-Seal wryly says that that answer is more appropriate for Miss America than for RuPaul’s Drag Race. To whit, RuKlum-Seal asks the same question to NPBFAG, and she gives the infinitely sassier answer of sending all the other bitches home.
Raven sides with her fugly dead sister Morgan and also says that Tatianna should go home because she thinks Tatianna is just content to be “a beautiful girl” and not America’s next drag superstar. Bitch, y’all just jealous because Tatianna is actually pretty and the two of you are melted wax and a dead body. Tatianna makes a point of informing the panel that Raven’s assessment of her is mistaken, saying that she was “a beautiful girl” back home and that she came here to be more.
Team Pandora is sent out so that the panel can deliberate. RuKlum-Seal then reveals that NPBFAG brought in the least amount of money and should therefore go home by default, with Raven as the next lowest earner. Snerk. She goes on to say that Raven seemed “out of her element,” and Dita Von Teese voices her dislike of Raven’s performance. She does say that Raven was much better on the runway, and Kim Coles adds that talking to her during the Q&A session raised her own opinion of Raven as well. RuKlum-Seal moves on to Tatianna and admits that she is “green,” but DVT says that she was the prettiest queen out there. Merle agrees, but says that Tatianna doesn’t “know how to make her disadvantages [into] her advantages” while everyone else does. I have yet to see Morgan turn looking like a festering cadaver or NPBFAG turn awkwardness and gap shark’s teeth to their advantage, but whatever Merle.
The judges move on to Sonique, and Kim Coles says that she seemed coyly regretful about throwing out so much attitude on the street. RuKlum-Seal lets drop that Pandora was one of her team’s top earners, but DVT says that she doesn’t stand out enough. Merle praises her “sassy attitude”, though. Then they get to NPBFAG, and RuKlum-Seal and Kim Coles agree that she was definitely someone who failed to stand out this week. Ru then asks for the queens to be sent back in for final judgment.
With Team Sahara lined up in the back and Team Pandora lined up in front, RuKlum-Seal delivers her verdicts. Morgan is safe, as is Sonique, whom Ru informs that “no one wants a cherry pie that bites back.” Euphemism. For actual hoing. I’m just saying. Nicole. Paige. Brooks. Brought in. The least. Amount. Of money. And is in. The bottom two. She interviews that she thought her “exuberance” would have brought in more money and kept her out of the bottom. I suppose Raven-Morganitis is catching. Pandora is safe. Tatianna is safe. And Raven earned the next lowest amount of money after NPBFAG, also putting her in the bottom two. Morgan is shocked, and Raven interviews that she lost her mind a little when she got the news.
RuKlum-Seal announces that Raven and NPBFAG must now Lip Synch For Their Lives, which they must do to the tune of En Vogue’s “My Lovin’ (You’re Never Gonna Get It)”. Raven throws a lot of attitude and personality into her miming, but NPBFAG just seems lost in her own performance world and remains largely rooted in her position onstage. Her opponent, meanwhile, grabs her crotch and points to each of her fellow queens during the breakdown, since in her opinion none of them are ever gonna get it. Raven finishes things off by dabbing the sweat off of her face with one of her own falsies, which cracks the judges up. Honestly it’s very Akashia vs. Tammie Brown 2.0, as Raven didn’t exactly blow people out of the water like Sahara did in the last LSFYL, but she kicked NPBFAG’s ass because NPBFAG basically did nothing.
Sure enough, Raven is told to Shanté and NPBFAG is told to Sashay Away, allegedly to “carry on the tradition of the Atlanta queens who came before” her. Truth be told, if NPBFAG is the shiniest current example of the tradition of the Atlanta queens, I would have to say that RuPaul must have taken all their fabulousness with her when she left. Nicole Etc. interviews afterward that she didn’t really think she’d be sent home this early, but says that she takes comfort in going home to see “[her] baby.” Sonique is left in tears onstage, and RuKlum-Seal says that there “ain’t no half-steppin’” in this contest and preaches everyone out. Bye, NicolePaigePrincessAngelinaContessaLouisaFrancescaBananaFanna-
BoBescatheThirdBrooksFromUnitedStatesCanadaMexicoPanama-
HaitiJamaicaPeruRepublicDominicanCubaCarribeanGreenland-
ElSalvadortooAtlantaGeorgia; I will so not miss having to type out and make fun of your entire crappy name and title just to make it interesting and worth my time.
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