Rookie Blue 1-2 "Mercury Retrograde"

In which even the show's foreshadowing is anvillicious, one of the supporting cast training officers battles Vampira for the title of Top Bitch, Nash gets offended when people truthfully call her a slut and give her obvious gifts like hooker knives, Ephramstein specializes in low blows in addition to being a psycho with a badge, Diaz is still a prettier and infinitely more tolerable Elizabeth Hasselbeck, McSuepants is a Martyr Sue, and the Toronto police look so good at their jobs because the criminals they deal with are equally as incompetent.

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Rookie Blue 1-1 "Fresh Paint"

Once upon a time a ho, a vampire, a himbo, your ex-jailbait boyfriend, and a Mary Sue went to the police academy, and they were each assigned rather unexceptional duties and questionably competent training officers. Except for the Mary Sue, of course, who got to save the day singlehandedly and get caught in a love triangle between a swarthy jackass and Whitney from Smallville. But I took the time to watch their TV show, and now they must all suffer my snarky ire. My name is ASLogan. I bitch-slap bad TV.

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Content: Rookie Blue

I've always had a special place in my heart for cop dramas; I blame growing up watching things like Hunter, 21 Jump Street, and most damning of all the "Mathnet" segments of Square One Television. Combine that with my abject summer boredom and my continued quest for show diversification/new material, and you might understand why I've decided to start recapping this new summer police drama, which is very nearly as anvillicious as any Power Rangers episode I've written about.

It also helps that the eponymous rookies include a ho, a vampire, a big dumb idiot who's basically there just to look pretty, a former emo/indie heartthrob turned triggerhappy budding psychopath, and a Mary Sue to lead them. Throw in the same Canadian aversion to subtlety that was rampant on Queer As Folk, and you have a show that's really just asking for it.

...And yes, there is a part of me that is hoping to see Epstein take Diaz's anal virginity while Nash decapitates Peck with her hooker knife and McNally drives a stake through her undead heart. I ain't proud.

RuPaul's Drag Race: Reunited!

In which we learn why Sonique had such a discontented stinkface for most of her stay, Mystique is out of her goddamned mind, Shangela went and turned it out while still using corn as an accessory, Morgan is only a poseur whore and don't you dare say anything different, Sahara is living mo' money mo' problems, Jessica is under $5 on the right day at Denny's, Pandora is even nice to her worst enemies, Tatianna finally gets her own raging flamethrower bitch moment, Raven surprises no one by not giving a damn, and Tyra basically won because RuPaul has transcended all logic and common sense to achieve a higher plane of existence where you don't have to stand up to bullies and walking a runway on your knees, jumping up without support, and crying behind a veil means that you are qualified to be the next drag superstar. BULLSHIT!

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RuPaul's Drag Race 2-11 "The Grand Finale"

In which SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!

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RuPaul's Drag Race 2-9 "The Diva Awards"

In which there is a dearth of Thundering Drumbeats And Silences, Tyra resorts to manufacturing an entire dress in order to play with people's minds, Tatianna contracts Shannel Syndrome because Raven is a diseased carrier (surprise, surprise), Merle Ginsberg is fucking hallucinating during the runway presentations now, and for the bargain price of $3.99, you too can own Jujubee's soul!

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RuPaul's Drag Race 2-8 "Golden Gals"

In which BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!